Re[5]: Shockah's Time to Die Pitch: 1.0 posted by Martin

One note I just thought of. I’ll bet I threw you off by my blank meets blank statement, so I should describe it a bit. Of course, the need to do so totally negates the spirit of the statement, and shows probably how poor my choices were. But, as a first stab, I picked those two movies because each had elements I thought important to Time To Die.

Silkwood Picked because I liked the idea of September Rose being tenacious and dedicated to her cause, but without being a caricature of a male character. The obvious choice here might have been Alien or Aliens, but I chose Silkwood because of Streep’s feminine take on strength. I think the trap to avoid here is making September Rose masculine in her actions and demeanor. The question really stands as: how would a real unstoppable woman handle this?

Speed I’m sure this is where the idea of the road trip movie started, and this is where I fell on my face. I picked this movie not because of the driving, but because of the non-stop forward momentum. So, let’s take this one off the table until I think of one that better describes the action I see in my head.

I’ll make an effort to describe better my left-field choices, and I know these weren’t perfect. I just didn’t know we had the option to post without the blank meets blank statement (Oooooooooo! Smack!).

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Re[4]: Shockah's Time to Die Pitch: 1.0 posted by Martin

I always pictured her getting a call on Earth that her husband won’t be coming home. I find the story compelling because she needs to find a way to the prison and that seems like a huge hurdle to me. But, believe it or not, I don’t think we’re really speaking that different of a language here.

Are you saying the second act is mostly her journey there?

Not at all — this isn’t a road-trip movie in my mind either. The journey could be instantaneous, but it is a huge hurdle she needs to overcome to prove how fucking absolutely impossible-to-get-rid-of she’s going to be in getting her husband back in time for the regeneration (But we could make the trip back to Earth a balls-out, chased by the law and bad guys, running on fumes sort of thing. Or it could be the final break into the prison and pulling a big show to get the body out).

I mean, think about the Warden sitting on his lily white ass (figuratively, at least) up on a rock wondering how the hell he’s going to contain the massive prison riot he’s got, when suddenly the soon-to-be grieving widow that he thought he had contained with patronizing words over the space-phone shows up and taps him on the shoulder?

So, we still have the triangle. We still have her on the rock, she just doesn’t start there. And we can have her in communication with Okkervil before she heads out. I mean, what if Okkervil is losing control of the riot and he helps her get there?

Looking back, I think we were probably both saying things our way and reading things the other. For instance, in my first take on her I made her work for a space ship company just to give a nod towards solving this dilemma.

Of course, I also gave her a dominatrix and stripper roommate, so not everything I do is rational, even though I will defend those choices quietly to those who are interested because I had reasons. I swear, I had my reasons.

Honest to God, I thought I did this.

If we define back as “back to life” you did. If we define back as “back to Earth”, which is what I was getting at, then I don’t think it’s there. But then, I don’t think Earth figured at all into your concept, so that’s splitting hairs.

I think I gotta get working on my treatment. But first, let’s have a few more goes at the pitches. Whattcha think?

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Re: Shockah's Time to Die Pitch: 1.0 posted by Martin

First things first: iPhone.

Okay, that satisfies our Union of Bloggers and Hipsters June 2007 requirement. Now back to your regularly scheduled Spitball!

Not a bad first pitch. One very interesting thing that I just noticed: you have September Rose going to the Prison Planet to meet her husband. So, the struggle all takes place there. I picture her on Earth, and a large part of the struggle is getting there. And then getting back.

Overall, I do like your pitch, but as you mentioned it’s too long, and doesn’t really snap yet in my opinion.

I feel like so much real estate needs to be devoted to setting up the conflict that comes within the first ten minutes or so

I think that’s why we need to find a way to focus attention back on September Rose. Also, I think the hook isn’t in the idea of cheating death, but in the race to cheat death. So for me, ironically, the setup of the world holds little interest.

I say: okay, he can be brought back, but more importantly, can she get him? That’s the question we want to raise in people’s heads.

Okay — just my few thoughts. Please lay waste to my first attempt, and we’ll continue hammering away until it snaps and sparkles.

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Burley's Time to Die Pitch: 1.0 posted by Martin

I have some things to say about yours, but I’ll post mine first and then we can cross-post about stuff. What worked, what didn’t, how to refine.

Oh, and for me? Think of this as Silkwood meets Speed. Doesn’t that jangle the WTF bone?

Here we go:

Six Months. September Rose hasn’t seen her husband in six months. He’s on rotation as a guard on a the prison planet. But during guard rotation, the prisoners riot and seize control of the facility. September’s husband is murdered.

Now she has seven days to get his body back to Earth in time for revivification — he can live again! After that, he’s gone for good. Problem is, the prisoner’s rule the rock, and nobody — especially not a mourning wife stuck on Earth — can get inside the gravity of the maximum security lock-down. His body is prisoner.

But the security officers who have already given up, and the prison planet management who won’t return her calls, and least of all the prisoners — one of whom seems to actually sympathize with her — have seen a woman like September Rose before. And nobody will keep her from retrieving her husband’s body in time to bring him back to life. Not until every moment is used. Not until it’s Time to Die.

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RE: I challenge thee! posted by kza

Dude — it’s like you’re reading my mind. Like, trippy. I just picked up “Selling Your Story in 60 Seconds: The Guaranteed Way to Get Your Screenplay or Novel Read” from the library, for crying out loud.

I’ve been thinking about pitches for a couple weeks now, ever since the debut episode of On The Lot, that new reality show/director contest thingy. (Show’s crap, btw; it started off well, but they kept changing the format and, incredibly, skipping stuff — at the end of one episode, the contestants are given an hour to direct a one-page script, and then we never hear about it again. WTF?) Anyway, in the first episode, the contestants are given one of four loglines to build a one-minute pitch around, and after some remarkably embarrassing attempts, this one dude gets up and just throws one straight down the plate, 100 mph.

(See what I did there? I literalized the phrase “pitch”. Comedy gold!)

I have the episode saved so that I could transcribe his pitch — it really was terrific. And between that, and a book Burley and I talked about offline a few weeks back, “Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die” , I’ve become interested in the idea of simplicity, and how it applies to screenwriting. And the most direct way it applies is the pitch.

Burley and I haven’t really thought much about pitches, generally speaking. (Or if he has, he hasn’t been telling me.) I suspect that, for me at least, the main reason is a kind of artistic snobbery. Pitches are what those slick, know-nothing Hollywoof types do, right? It couldn’t have anything to do with art and film, could it?

Yet, I’m beginning to believe that they have everything to do with art and film. No, not every kind of film — pitches would seem kinda meaningless for a Brakhage piece, and maybe even certain David Lynch films. But that’s not what we’re trying to do here at Spitball!. I think the ideal here is for something that hits two targets that are rarely hit together: mainstream and smart. And in order to hit that first one, the pitch is absolutely necessary. Nearly every movie that’s considered mainstream (and I imagine quite a few that are considered smart) began life as a pitch. So we’ll begin there as well.

But what is a pitch, exactly?

A pitch is both an idea for a movie and the attempt to sell said movie — “sell” in this case meaning to persuade an audience that your idea is a good one. The pitch itself tells you just enough about the main character, what they want, what kind of obstacles they might face, and most importantly, why the hell you should care. This last one is key. Everything in the pitch is completely worthless if you can’t make the audience care about the main character. (Which is what makes the pitch so tricky — you don’t have time to go into detail about the protagonist’s dead dog. Time is running out! Press A! Press A!)

Note again that the pitch is just the idea for a movie — although the pitch might be based on a completed work, it will only communicate the bare essentials. It’s likely that the pitch will never detail the obstacles, or the name of the protagonist, or even how the story ends. (Note: our Time to Die pitches will include the ending.) It’s understood that the pitch will only bear a passing resemblance to the finished screenplay, in the same way a TV Guide entry only kinda looks like the real movie. There’s always going to be a sense of “yeah, but…” about the enterprise. That’s normal. Go with it.

In fact, I’m starting to think that a lot of “blank space”, so to speak, is a pitch’s secret weapon. Since a pitch is by definition just a sketch, there’s a lot of room for the listener to mentally inhabit the idea, either by imagining the rest herself, or just by enjoying the unresolved tension created by the idea. For example, I really love the idea of Fred Claus: Santa’s bitter older brother is forced to move to the North Pole. The contrast between the standard image of Saint Nick — jolly and goodhearted — with an older brother, who is probably an asshole (it’s Vince Vaughn!) — is just delicious. I have no idea if the actual movie will live up to these expectations it’s created in me, but that’s not the point — the point is to create the expectations in the first place.

(OT: Santa is gonna be played by Paul Giamatti!? Holy shit!)

Now, most pitches (barring the bad ones that go into too much detail) have blank space anyway. But I’m wondering: is there a way to, I don’t know, maximize the blank space payout? A way to create expectations, only, y’know, better? I don’t know, but it’s something I’m going to think about when writing the Time to Die pitch.

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I challenge thee! posted by Martin

Mr. Shockah — I throw down the gauntlet. You must (as will I) come up with a Hollywood Elevator Pitch (H.E.P.) for Time to Die. It must not be more than one minute to recite out loud, and it must include a blank meets blank statement.

Such as: It’s Steel Magnolias meets Tootsie.

I think it will help frame how we see this movie we’re writing. What say ye, cad?

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Time for Time To Die: Update Edition posted by Martin

For those of you who may be new here, and are too busy or lazy to read our archives (as I myself sometimes am), let’s get caught up.

Shockah and I came up with 50 story synopsis, and then whittled it down to a single idea that we are going to write. That idea was inspired by the kick-ass Charlotte Hatherley (who has just released a great new album, by the way) song called Kim Wilde. The original concept was this:

In a World where death itself is beaten by genetic regeneration, a guard is killed during a riot on the prison planet. One woman—his wife—faces sure death to retrieve his body in time to bring him back to life. It’s a race against time, with one nearly resourceless woman willfully fighting like a juggernaut against the prisoners who are holding his body hostage, and the powers that be that think she should just give up. All to simply save the man she loves from eternal death.

We talked about this idea a lot during intervening posts before it was picked the winner. A lot of that is meta-discussion, but here I’ll link to posts where we actually expand on the story ideas:

During the second heat, I expanded on the story, and named the protagonist: September Rose St. Germain.

Shockah introduced us to the antagonist James Crowley Okkervil in his second-heat expansion on the story.

Which brings us to Shockah’s rough first treatment of the story.

If you read those three posts, you will literally know everything we do about the world of the movie. Where to now? I owe Shockah, and you, gentle reader, a treatment of the script. One I had written got flushed away accidentally, so I’m starting it again, and hopefully it will be up soon. I’ve also started a new category called ‘Time to Die’ where you can track the progress from here on out, now that we have a story picked. If we’re good, we’ll also put it in the ‘the screenplay’ category, so if you’re looking at this by category, you can follow along nicely.

Free to You

Just a reminder that we’re releasing this entire thing, as well as the story ideas we’ve already written and the script we’re about to, into the public domain. This script is your script, this script is my script. Although we’re going to write the version we want, take it and remix and rewrite and do what you will. Just leave comments in the forum and let us know, would’ya?

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Time to Die: The Treatment: Bare Bones Edition posted by kza

So consider this the first shot across the bow of the U.S.S. Time To Die.

Note the First: Consider the following to be the equivalent of a four-track demo. Just a laying down of ideas that will get changed, fleshed-out, and more-or-less prettified by the time of their official debut. Despite the seeming completeness of the treatment (and the fact that I like it quite a bit), nothing here is sacred. If something isn’t clicking with one of us, it will be replaced with something that clicks for both of us.

Note the Second: These aren’t scenes. Something straightforward like “September finds a mass grave of charred bones” could take up fifteen seconds of screen time or ten minutes (assuming you are, in fact, Bela Tarr). It’s just a “story unit”, a piece of information that’s required for the story to make some sort of sense. And, despite the number of story points provided here, I don’t consider this complete.

Note the Third: The general approach here is looking at the story from the protagonist’s POV, which particular emphasis on what makes achieving her goals difficult. The final story will present all the characters as independent movers, with goals, subplots, quirks, etc. However, this entry just isn’t the place for those things. I expect that we will write different versions of this treatment from the POV of different characters later in the process.

Note the Fourth: More specifically, this story happens with a prison riot in the background. It’s assumed that there is a back-and-forth power struggle between the guards and the prisoners that isn’t resolved until the end. The treatment doesn’t go into the specific actions by each party — I figure that’s for later. Related to this: Burley and I never decided the exact nature of the prison (an entire planet? Just a part? Enclosed? Or free-roaming prisoners?), and while the treatment is arranged around the vague idea of “this part is enclosed prison, this part is not”, I’d like to think what’s here is malleable enough to encompass whatever we decide the prison actually is.

Note the Final: Readers — this is your chance to really have some say on the story. Don’t like something I’ve suggested here? Think it’s too obvious, too stupid, too something? Let us know.

Time to Die: A Bare Bones Treatment

The Cast So Far

September Rose St. Germain, protagonist, director of marketing at Tangenilent and martial arts enthusiast
James Crowley Okkervil, imprisoned murderer and charismatic leader
Rand Bejar, prison warden and poet
“Preach”, good friend of Okkervil and wasting away in solitary
Guy St. Germain, prison guard and dead body
Dr. Westfall, prison doctor and pioneer in the use of the revivication serum

The Story Points

1. Guy St. Germain is killed during a prison riot at the Wellington Correctional Facility, a.k.a. “The Well”.
2. September Rose St. Germain is alerted. Their insurance covers a new process: revivication from the dead, provided the head is intact, there isn’t too much tissue damage, and it’s used within a short time window. She packs up and leaves to go be with him when he’s revived.
3. She arrives, but the Warden tells her that the prisoners are holding the body and they won’t be able to retrieve it in the allotted time; her husband will die.
4. She gets her insurance money and is ushered off the planet.
5. On the ship home, she steals an emergency shuttlecraft and heads back to the planet.
6. The prison security system shoots down the ship and she crashes on the planet.
7. While trying to avoid the guards, she is captured by Okkervil and his men. She learns that Okkervil instigated the riot because of the Warden’s treatment of his friend Preach.
8. Okkervil contacts the Warden, using September as a bargaining chip; they set up a reendezvous point.
9. On their way to the reendezvous point, September escapes.
10. September finds a mass grave of charred bones.
11. September is captured by the guards.
12. September is taken back to the Warden, who detains her.
13. September meets friendly Dr. Westfall, who is responsible for administering the revivication serum. He demonstrates the serum on a dead guard, going over the exacting process.
14. September discovers that the prisoners are going to burn the husband’s body, rendering revivication impossible.
15. September asks for the Warden’s help in getting her husband’s body back; he refuses.
16. September arms herself, steals some of the serum, and goes into the prison by herself.
17. When the Warden discovers September missing, he sends guards after her. He tells one guard to make sure September dies in the crossfire.
18. September comes face-to-face with the prisoners who have her husband’s body.
19. September discovers the prison’s secret and reason for the riot: they torture the prisoners to death and then revive them.
20. The guards find them and start shooting.
21. The prisoners think September has suckered them, so they set the body on fire.
22. September is unable to get to the body, and just barely escapes from both the guards and the prisoners.
23. Okkervil has the real body, however, hidden somewhere — they burned the body of someone else.
24. She returns to the prison to give herself up.
25. She is brought to the Warden, and he kills her.
26. September wakes up; she’s been revived by Dr. Westfall.
27. Dr. Westfall explains that she knows too much, so she is going to be reported killed after she crashed the emergency shuttle. Since there are no female prisoners, she will make a fine test subject for his experiments.
28. September manages to free herself and kill Dr. Westfall. She takes a few vials and destroys the rest of the supply.
29. Okkervil is captured and brought to the Warden.
30. Before the Warden can do anything to Okkervil, September takes the Warden hostage. Having destroyed the supply of serum, her threat to kill the Warden is taken seriously.
31. September, with the Warden in tow, makes her way to the shuttle dock, but Okkervil reveals that her husband’s body hasn’t been destroyed. He’ll take her to the body if they release Preach.
32. They use the Warden to release Preach from solitary and shut off the anti-aircraft security system.
33. September wants to go to the shuttle dock, but Okkervil tells her they’ll be waiting for them there. Instead, he reveals that he’s sent a signal for an escape ship to land outside the prison.
34. All four of them get out of the prison and recover Guy’s body.
35. Okkervil discovers that the Warden is wearing a some kind of device underneath his clothes.
36. The Warden tells September that Okkervil is the one who shot her husband.
37. September puts a gun to Okkervil’s head, and asks him to deny it. He doesn’t. But she can’t bring herself to kill him.
38. They find Okkervil’s escape ship but it’s being used by other prisoners (Okkervil’s men?)
39. They fight off the other prisoners to get to the escape ship, but during the fight, September drops the serum bottles, and only one survives.
40. The Warden escapes during the chaos.
41. Okkervil is grievously wounded during the fight and dies.
42. The other prisoners gain control of the escape ship and leave September, Okkervil, and Preach behind.
43. September is about to revive her husband, but Preach begs her to revive Okkervil instead.
44. September revives Okkervil.
45. Okkervil figures out that the Warden keeps a new-fangled serum-administering device attached to himself at all times; they return to the prison to take it from him.
46. The Warden makes it back and orders his men to unleash poison gas to finish off all the prisoners once and for all. He keeps this order even when informed that all the serum has been destroyed.
47. September, Okkervil, Preach, and the body arrive back at the prison. Preach offers to guard the body while Okkervil and September go to get the Warden.
48. The prisoners in Okkervil’s escape ship fight over the controls, and they crash into the prison.
49. The prison is now on fire, and threatens to crumble/blow up at any point.
50. Dr. Westfall, alive and well due to the serum device strapped to his chest, finds Preach and the body; Preach is killed by trying to keep the body away from Westfall.
51. The explosions separate Okkervil and September from each other; only Okkervil can get the serum from the Warden.
52. September goes back to make sure the body is okay.
53. The Warden and Okkervil face off, during which, the Warden reveals that he’s killed all of the prisoners.
54. Okkervil stabs the Warden, and the Warden kills Okkervil by throwing him off a building, but not before Okkervil rips the revivication device off him. The Warden bleeds to death.
55. September finds Dr. Westfall with the body.
56. September and Westfall face off — Westfall has used the dose of his serum, and September has none, so they know that one of them will die for real this time.
57. September kills Westfall, beheading him.
58. The poison gas starts spreading through the prison, and September has to avoid it.
59. September drags her husband’s body through the amok prison to get outside.
60. She makes it outside where she discovers Okkervil’s body with the revivication device. She takes it. The window for revivication is down to minutes.
61. She straps the device on Guy, but it’s damaged.
62. She works fast to remove the serum from the device and attempts to administer it the best she can, following as much of Westfall’s instructions as she can.
63. It looks like she failed, but then Guy opens his eyes.

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re: Where Do We Go From Here posted by Martin

I too am happy with our final choice. It’s interesting how the option that I wasn’t the most passionate about is indeed the one I’m most excited about writing.

I like the idea of Points of Conflict, and I think we should incorporate that idea in our writing and outlining, but first I wonder if we shouldn’t do a brief one-page treatment each just to put some plot sketches on the table and see where we are.

At this point, I think it serves the story better to see it from the 10,000 foot elevation before we zoom down. Previously we’ve had character outlines that are not necessarily about the story itself. Let’s put some story on the table and see what happens.

Then, I would also like to have a discussion about mood and tone — what other movies feel the same? What’s the pace going to be like? I’m still all-for starting with a very violent opener where the husband gets snagged and killed. What say you?

Oh, and one last thing:

(apologies to the Alan Parsons Project, which I believe was some sort of hovercraft.)

Never apologize to the Alan Parsons Project. They should be apologizing to us.

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Where Do We Go From Here posted by kza

…now that all of the nominees have shrunk to one / and how do we spend our time, knowing we have to make something work?

(apologies to the Alan Parsons Project, which I believe was some sort of hovercraft.)

First, though, I want to mention how incredibly happy and relieved I was when we made our choice for the Spitball! Tourney of Story Ideas. I only mention it because the feelings of happiness and relief took me by surprise — sure, I expected to feel some relief, but I also expected to feel a little bit of buyer’s remorse, the sense that “yeah, we picked a good story, but…” This did not come to pass. Instead, I felt an enormous weight disappear from my shoulders, a weight that I wasn’t even cognizant of, and there was a definite thrill, a giddiness, instead of the expected “whew, that’s over with.” After thinking about it, I realized that unexpected excitement came from the fact that we picked the right story.

But that was then, this is now. We have some decisions to make about how to proceed. What is the first stage of development of Time To Die going to look like? Do we begin to outline the story in more detail? More character work? World-work? When do we know we’ve done enough to actually start writing the script?

Of course, we’ll need all of the above — outlines, character sketches, world details — before and/or during the actual writing. But where to start? What kind of Needlessly Complicated Rules do we want to use to creatively constrict ourselves?

Here’s my thought: As Grymz (and possibly anyone else reading this blog) knows, I have a thing, almost a neurosis, about plot. “What actually happens?” is my usual cry. I’m concerned about it because I consider it, rightly or wrongly, my weakest point. Often, I try to work this problem out ahead of time by coming up with all the events in the story, from the beginning to the inciting incident (or whatever we’re calling it these days) to the rising action and all that all the way to the end. But as I’ve found out the hard way, a simple creation and recitation of Things That Happen In The Story simply doesn’t work. It reads flat. It’s missing something.

What’s missing is both character and conflict. Who is doing these things, why, and most importantly, what conflict caused these events come about?

As part of the process, I submit this idea: Points of Conflict.

A Point of Conflict is a sentence that describes how a character comes into (duh) conflict with one or more characters, or an inhuman obstacle (like a mountain or a storm). It doesn’t immediately resolve the conflict, although there can be a clear suggestion as to the outcome of the conflict. Points of Conflict are not scenes, however. The point of writing a scene is to answer the implied question of the PoC, and potentially set up the circumstances regarding the next PoC.

An example: “September Rose wants the Warden to release her husband’s body to her custody, but the Warden feels it’s too dangerous to try and get the body in the midst of the prison riot.”

Note that the PoC doesn’t immediately resolve the conflict, although there can be a clear suggestion as to its outcome. Nor are they scenes, per se — more like the seed of a scene. The point of writing a scene is to answer the implied question of the PoC, and potentially set up the circumstances regarding the next PoC.

The idea is to come up with as many of these as possible, put them in chronological/plot order, and have a kind of map of the story, expressed entirely through conflicts. This would not supplant a straight-ahead prose description of the story — that still seems necessary to me, at least to fill in blanks that might not be covered by a PoC list — and I see the list as continuously evolving; some PoCs would be discarded in favor of others. But it seems like a good way to capture potential good story ideas, especially ones that seem necessary or obvious but where it isn’t clear how they’d fit into the overall picture.

(Another example: While doing some preliminary work on my novelization of Little Black Stray, I came up with a character, a Ted Bundy-esque serial killer, the dark side of Griff, the protagonist. This character will take over as the eldest of the prisoners when Geezer leaves, and is one of the primary reasons that Griff wants to protect and hide Kamara. So how the fuck do I not include a scene where Kamara and this maniac are locked in a room together? I’m not sure at this point how to get there, but It’d be a betrayal of drama to avoid it.)

Anyway, while I don’t feel I’ve answered the question — Where do we go from here? — here’s a tool we could potentially use. What say you, Burley?

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Behind the Music...er, 'In A World': Time to Die posted by Martin

Wherein we investigate the history of our winning idea, a dark horse that kept the race slow and steady while others surged or faltered.

I’m honored to write this post, as I am currently the first official Spitball! Employee of the Month. I’d like to thank Shockah, my peers, and the readers who read what we write, which would be you right now, eh? I’m very much looking forward to my doughnut reward.

So, Time to Die: It made its nameless debut on January 21, 2006 as part of our synopsis inspired by random songs. The song that inspired this story is Charlotte Hatherly’s brilliant twisted pop masterpiece ‘Kim Wilde’, whose lyrics can be read to see if you can find the inspiration I somehow found in it. Mostly it was these lines:

I can feel my honey, oh yeah! Don’t fall under my wheels Run over, just like a juggernaut Oh yeah! send his body back to me

although there are others that led me to the story too. Here’s an iTunes link (full disclosure: we are an iTunes affiliate, but this link is not an affiliate link). I’m actually a little pleased with this story winning, because this song is one of my all time favorites. In a stroke of perfect pop irony, Charlotte Hatherley performed a duet of ‘Kids in America’ on Kim Wilde’s new album. We are, after all, kids in America.

Time to Die next appeared in a January 22 post, where it was titled and ranked (as Shockah mentioned, #10 for me). Shockah then voted (#6) for the story on January 23.

The initial playoff rounds were announced that same day, with Time to Die going up against a Shockah story called Reminiscence (#3 for me, #13 for Shockah).

Shockah delivered us a statistical analysis in which our winning story faired poorly, coming in at 12 out of 16.

We dug into the story first on February 12 with my pros and cons list in round six. Shockah offered up his on February 14.

We gave Reminiscence its fair due, at my insistence, in rounds 6.3 and 6.4, where both of us laid out potential plots for the story.

Shockah pushed a vote on February 18, voting (of course), for a story you all know now. I cemented its win later that same day.

Shockah named the Heat #2 stories, which were then ranked (mine and his) and Time to Die was pitted against Rasputin the Translator.

We picked up that round on April 11 with my character sketches. For Time to Die, I looked at Rose St. Germain, our protagonist. Shockah followed on April 24 with his character sketch of our antagonist, James Crowley Okkervil (bonus points for anybody guessing who Shockah was listening to at that time).

On April 24 I also posted to talk about a conversation Shockah and I had at a coffee shop about these ideas we had for Time to Die (and, I haven’t forgotten the essay yet, my friend). Shockah followed up with this post

On April 30th I had a crazy idea to enable both stories to move forward if they were so capable, and we discussed that idea at length.

Round 10 discussion on May 30, with the two stories once again pitted against each other. It continued, and continued and then we started to vote, and we both were in agreement that Rasputin and Time to Die should move forward.

Since the Summer and Fall have been slow around here, we decided to speed things up and just list our favorites in order, assign points based on order and then let the winner win. We had six semi-finalists, and after Shockah cast his votes, and I cast mine, pushing Time to Die into the winners circle.

Thanks for coming along on this whistle-stop tour. We hope Time to Die will make a fun story to watch progress on.

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Burley Grymz votes with a rhyme posted by Martin

I read your post first, but I promised myself it wouldn’t make an impact on my voting. Am I right? You be the judge.

I asked myself which ones I really want to write. What I’m really excited about? Here’s my list: 6. The Atmospherist So yeah. My blog with Andre. This is where our rules and our head-butting encounter our patience. Guess which one won?

1. La Commune Planet Good concept — it made it this far, after all — but we’re confused about it, I think, and the work toward creating it would be arduous, I think. I would rather have ardor.

2. Rasputin the Translator I love this story. It’s a novel, not a screenplay.

3. The Scabs I love this story. It’s a novel not a screenplay. I think I am going to attempt it as a novel.

Shit. Now I have a touch choice. I can tie us, or I can cast a vote that will put a clear winner in office and we will be on our way to writing. And writing this, I realize I know how I’m going to vote…

1. Little Black Stray Sad to say, I love this story too fucking much to write it and release it into the public domain. I want to own it. Plus, I think Shockah will rock the motha in NaNoWriMo. Steve: do with it what you will, sir. I would like to read your version too. Which means:

2. Time to Die Wins. This story is one I love and am interested in, but feel good about placing online for all to have. Out of all the ideas, though, the core of this one has never wavered, always been clear, and we’ve always agreed on it. I understand the motivation, it’s not overly tricky, and would make a solid action piece. I think we’ll be able to nail it, both the action side, and the character side. I’m thinking of Pitch Black in terms of pace and feel, but that’s a conversation we’ll start having now.

So, for the tally conscious, here’s the final points spread:

Atmospherist: 2 points La Commune Planet: 4 points Scabs: 7 points Rasputin: 7 points LBS: 10 points Time to Die: 12 points

Ladies and gentlemen — it’s only taken us 10 months. We have a winner. We will be writing Time To Die. Three cheers!

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Urban Shockah Votes With A Bullet posted by kza

I have a feeling this list would look different if I wrote it a day later, a day earlier, or even just at a different hour. An idea that sounds good in the morning looks uninspired in the evening, then looks fresh again the following day. So who knows what this list would look like a week from now? But as we have to check and see if the cat is dead or alive, the stories have to get slotted into an hierarchy. Here’s mine.

6. The Atmospherist. Basically, a joke entry. Potentially a good joke, or at least a fun joke, but I’m not feeling particularly funny today.

5. La Commune Planet. I like the idea of a cross-class comedy of unrequited love; I’m not sure this is the best place for it, ultimately. And right now, I’m wary of the challenges and hassles of “big concept SF” — a not very good name for the kinds of stories we’ve been coming up with, the really interesting world or concept (in this case, a Pleasure Planet that goes into revolt) that is waiting to be populated by characters, conflicts, and incidents. I’m looking for those kinds of things to be already there, up front and in my face.

4. The Scabs. And so The Scabs gets kind of a low rating as well, despite my fondness for the concept. As Grymz and I discussed offline, it’s a bit “thinky”, perhaps better suited for a novel — something that can accommodate all sorts of political and philosophical musings, while still telling a story. But a 120 page screenplay? Maybe, but I’m not ready for it yet.

3. Rasputin the Translator. I’ve surprised myself by ranking this one so high — IIRC, the last time we talked about it, we never came to terms as to what actually happens in this story. It’s still a pretty big blank slate. But we came up with some interesting characters (while keeping the Rasputin figure mysterious), and the basic situation is still intriguing. We’re still circling this one, and I smell gold at the middle — we just haven’t dug deep enough. (Mixd metaphorz rool)

2. Little Black Stray. Remember what I was saying about how capricious I could be about making this list? This was originally slotted at number one when I started this post, but I’ve had a change of heart. It’s still one of my all-time faves — in fact, I’m seriously considering using it as the base of my NaNoWriMo. I love the situation, the contrast between the hard machismo of the inmates and the soft, vulnerable woman, and the potential to flip those qualities. I really like my conception of the prison planet, and I like Grymz’s background for the woman, and the different plot twists that could come out of it. So why only #2? Well, I’m still having reservations about the prison planet itself — the “big concept SF” problem again — and how to incorporate that into the potentially explosive character relationships. And at any other time — like five minutes ago — it would’ve been #1 easily. But I feel like “up front and in my face” is the mood of the moment, and with that in mind…

1. Time to Die. One woman, one dead husband, one charismatic killer, one hard-assed warden, and one thousand rioting prisoners. See, the poster almost writes itself! I’m feeling this one is even more straight-forward than Little Black Stray — the goal of the protagonist is about as clearly defined as one would want — and isn’t as Big Concept as the others. (There’s a prison on a planet, and it’s the future so there’s lots of fancy gizmos, but there isn’t any real “paradigm shift” required on the part of the reader. If you know about prison movies, then you know about this story.) There’s still a lot to define here; there hasn’t been as much work done on it as Little Black Stray or even Rasputin for that matter. But with such a strong through-line (Woman wants to retrieve her husband’s dead body from rioting prisoners, and how do we make that hard for her each step of the way?), it seems like the ideal choice for this experiment.

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The semi-finalists posted by Martin

Herein lies the six stories that made it to the very end. My last post contained one mistake — I thought there were five stories. So, each story should be placed in order, and then assigned points based on their rank. #1 gets 6 points, #2 gets 5 points, and so on to #6 getting 1 point. Then we add them up and see where we are.

In any case, here are the six semi-finalists, listed in alphabetical order: The Atmospherist In a world where autistic youth believe they are not living on earth, one religion proves itself useless when the methane atmosphere changes into scientists. Also known as My Blog with Andre.

La Commune Planet In a world constructed for the pleasure of the ultra-rich, every vice can be had — for a price. But beneath the smiling exterior of the friendly staff, there lurks a growing resentment. When a group of ascetics destroy access to the planet’s hidden inter-dimensional gateway, the employees seize the chance to declare independence from the government and its backers. But as they take the profits and the pleasures for themselves, pressures and conflicting desires threaten to blow the planet to smithereens.

Little Black Stray In a World where violent male offenders are sent to labor camps on the remote prison planet, one crew of hardened men finds something impossible: a young woman in tattered clothes, mute and frightened. A small group protect and feed her, keeping her out of sight of the guards and away from those who would use her mercilessly. As she gains in strength it seems that she has an agenda — and the truth of what she was doing on a world where no women stepped before might be a big enough secret to shatter the whole planet of forced labor.

Rasputin the Translator In a World contacted by a sentient and potentially violent alien race, one man — bearded and wild eyed — is the only person on earth who can translate between the languages of humans and the language of the aliens. But this strange man is not only hostile to both sides of the debate, he is also untrustworthy, and possibly manipulating the negotiations to his own ends. With all of Earth being turned into a prison as the stakes, one government has a very limited time to not only unravel the mysteries of the alien language, but also the history of the interpreter.

The Scabs In a world designed by engineers to be a self-sufficient, endlessly exploitable resource for the rest of the known galaxy, robots toil tirelessly in the fields, the forests and the mountains, providing food and raw materials for a rapidly expanding market. But when a series of accidents destroys some of the mining robots, the rest of the metal workforce decide to strike and power off, leaving the humans that depend on the planet in the lurch. A taskforce is assembled to get the planet up and running again while a negotiator tries to get the robots back online. While the taskforce tries to relearn the long-forgotten principles of farming and manufacturing, the negotiator accidentally reveals the existence of the taskforce… and the robots, realizing that their existence could be usurped by the humans, decide to go on the offensive.

Time to Die In a World where death itself is beaten by genetic regeneration, a guard is killed during a riot on the prison planet. One woman — his wife — faces sure death to retrieve his body in time to bring him back to life. It’s a race against time, with one nearly resourceless woman willfully fighting like a juggernaut against the prisoners who are holding his body hostage, and the powers that be that think she should just give up. All to simply save the man she loves from eternal death.

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Re: Two guys walk into a blog -- you'd think the second one would've ducked posted by Martin

Huh? What? Is this thing on?

Sorry folks — I was gorging myself in San Francisco last week, and I’m only now staring to move again, like a wet bug that needed to dry out before coming out of stasis.

Anyway, where were we?

What say you, Burley?

Right! I say that I vote for both as well, although really in my mind the two could be easily combined. Is that always my answer? Combine the stories?

Also, I have a challenge: since I want to dig in and start working on the actual screenplay we will be writing, I say we set aside needless complexity™ and we do a speed round to find our final pick. What say you to this?

I say we list the remaining stories in order of preference, and award them points based on their position on the list. So, the number one pick would have five points, the number two pick four points, and so on until the fifth pick with one point. Then we’ll add them together and see what the order is. If we agree on the outcome, then we’ll take the top story. What do you think?

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Two guys walk into a blog -- you'd think the second one would've ducked posted by kza

Hey everybody — voting time!

I, Urban Shockah, vote for both The Scabs and La Commune Planet. I’ll admit, I was a little sketchy about LCP coming into this — it was interesting, certainly, but it seemed like there were better ideas out there. But Grymz’s character sketch gave me a more concrete idea of what the story and the world was like, and I feel like my contribution helped me latch onto the concept more strongly. Don’t know about Grymz, but I like the idea of a cross-class unrequited romance on board a space station that’s quickly going to hell. I don’t necessarily think that this is what the screenplay’s about — it’s probably just one part of it — but it is, for me, the one tiny thing I can emotionally hold onto and will get me through the rest of the development process.

It’s interesting — for me, The Scabs was clearly a comedy, and LCP clearly wasn’t, but they seemed to have switched places. I’m still not entirely sold on The Scabs as a drama, although it’s coming more into focus. Again, the key for me was to find a human character with a conflict that wasn’t directly about the robot uprising (which, right now, for me, can only be Futurama-hilarious or Terminator-horrific) but about issues that orbited that: job dissatisfaction, dreams deferred, the character’s slow realization that he has more in common with the “cold” robots than the humans around him, despite his protests to the contrary. That’s all interesting to me, and that’s what I’ll be holding onto if and when this story is expanded upon.

What say you, Burley?

When I was born, the world was much different than what it is today. It was on the verge of collapse. There wasn’t enough for everyone. Famine killed millions. War killed millions more. Economies collapsed and even the mightiest giants were felled, a victim of their own excess and ignorance. It seemed like the end to my family, but I was a child, and the concept was foreign to me. I didn’t have any realization of death, really, despite the bodies we passed everyday on our journey towards our imagined safe destination. Death was an abstraction; the idea that I could’ve been one of those bodies never really sank in until I was much older, and it’s been difficult to dislodge ever since. Examining the historical record, it’s clear that my family’s survival was just as much luck as anything else; were we forced to travel for longer than we did, it’s likely I would’ve taken my place amongst the corpses.

But then the astronauts returned with word of a new planet, one that could provide what we had taken, used, wasted from our own. It was the promise of a new start, or perhaps more accurately, a blank slate that we could attempt to write a new story for our race upon. It would be decades before the world could lift itself out of the quicksand in order to take advantage of this new world — it was named “Miracle” by one of the astronauts, in a spontaneously display of awe, but quickly adopted by the sponsoring government as its official designation. But even though nothing could be done right away, just the appearance of this new planet was enough to get us through, it seemed. It brought us together, gave us something to focus on, work toward. Our world stabilized. Within fifteen years, the first colony landed on Miracle. I was eighteen years old when I saw the broadcast.

My parents were adamant about my career choice. Miracle opened up the need for new technologies and new people to administer those technologies. One of those technologies was in the field of robotics and artificial intelligences, and I enrolled, at my parents’ great expense, in school. I learned the language of robots and computers, how they were built, the things that ail them and the things that cure them. I was told, continuously throughout my four years, how much I intuitively understood the artificial mind. My career and future were secured, locked-in, like the graduation photo that sits on my mother’s nightstand, a frozen, uncertain smile on my face. If you didn’t know better, you’d think my photographic doppelgänger could see the plastic frame that surrounded him.

The truth is that I dreamed about being a writer. I’ve kept a journal since I was ten, and found no satisfaction greater than putting pen to paper, creating and detailing the thoughts of imaginary people. Despite my successes at school, the notion that I understood the artificial mind was an insult. I didn’t really care about how the robots thought — how could anyone really care? The human mind was the one that was limitless, the one that proffered mysteries that beckoned to be solved. However complicated the AI may be, it’s still, at base, a series of gears and levers, a Rube Goldbergian simulacrum, as predictable as a light switch.

After I graduated, I was quickly swallowed up by the Miracle Development Project (Earthside), where I worked for several years, quickly moving up the ranks until I qualified for Miracleside and flown off to the planet itself. Despite the mythology built up around the planet — PR departments churning out poster after poster of Eden-like lushness — it’s really just a big mudflat, at least of what I’ve seen. The MDP have done their best over the years to make the place hospitable, but the priority is for the reaping the resources and sending them back — the staff is secondary, perhaps even tertiary behind the robots. Our quarters are cramped, the remnants of the original colony, haphazardly expanded as needed. (Everyone here can program in binary, but no one has the slightest architectural knowledge.) Privacy is difficult. I have plenty of “free” time, but the closeness of the quarters impinges on me, mentally and emotionally, and writing has been intermittent. Confinement creates two kinds of people: those who want to be left alone, and those who lose inhibitions and decorum like a snake loses its skin. The latter have only recently ceased propositioning me — they now know how I look down on them.

I’ve finished my letter of resignation, but it sits on my computer, waiting for me to release it. My parents would be quite angry if I quit; the pay is quite astronomical, and I’m guaranteeing the future of my children and grandchildren by staying on. But it’s become too much. I have enough to live on for several years, which should be plenty of time to find my success. I cannot let anymore time slip by. I must leave this place.

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Round 12, Part Four [La Commune Planet v. The Scabs] posted by kza

The Scabs

In a world designed by engineers to be a self-sufficient, endlessly exploitable resource for the rest of the known galaxy, robots toil tirelessly in the fields, the forests and the mountains, providing food and raw materials for a rapidly expanding market. But when a series of accidents destroys some of the mining robots, the rest of the metal workforce decide to strike and power off, leaving the humans that depend on the planet in the lurch. A taskforce is assembled to get the planet up and running again while a negotiator tries to get the robots back online. While the taskforce tries to relearn the long-forgotten principles of farming and manufacturing, the negotiator accidentally reveals the existence of the taskforce… and the robots, realizing that their existence could be usurped by the humans, decide to go on the offensive.

Character Sketch: Camelot “Cam” Nkrumah

Relationship to story: The human negotiator (definitely a major character, probably the protagonist, but then again, maybe not)

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Re: [9] Round 12, Part Two [La Commune Planet v. The Scabs] posted by kza

I think you’re right. It is closer to suspense, and possibly does border on horror. But, then the questions are raised, what is the suspenseful situation, and what is horrible about it? I see it more as dramatic, but then the thing is less formed and more amorphous in my head. We’ll work on that. I’m sure we can come to terms over this. So long as coming to terms means doing exactly what I want.

It’s funny — as I’ve been working on my latest character bios, I’ve made the switch: I can see La Commune Planet as a comedy and The Scabs as a drama. The key for me on the latter was to forget about the robots and look more deeply into the human character — not to put too fine a point on it, but what’s his angst? Maybe it has to do with the robots, but maybe it doesn’t. The more I can think of this guy as the subject of a drama, the more I can take the situation/story seriously as a drama. (It’s tough, admittedly — the situation just sounds more comedic than dramatic to me, but I think I can do it.) I don’t know if that quite dovetails with your approach, but I don’t think it’s contradictory, either. If that makes any sense.

To me, that’s the heart of collaboration, and my segue into mentioning that I’m working on a few posts about collaboration and how we work, which I think is kind of interesting.

How’s that coming, btw? I’d like to read that. I might learn something :-P

I didn’t sign up for this. Well, yeah, I signed up, but not for this. I was the middle manager of a Stuckey’s Fun Station, for Buddy’s sake. I haven’t gone through the training program for running a pleasure port. You know the time and effort it takes to keep one of these things running, let alone smoothly? And one of the size of Chanel #5? Of course you don’t, few people do. Hell, I wouldn’t even know myself if it wasn’t for Wes. That bastard.

Wes called me a month ago. We came up the ranks together, but Wes was always a top dog — a little smarter, a little smoother, a little luckier. He graduated the head of his class, and was pursued by everyone. It was a no-brainer; he immediately signed up with FritoGoogle2 and got the pick of assignments. I was about twentieth or so, and only McExxon had any interest whatsoever. That’s okay; I was only pushed into this by my parents and I just wanted to skim by, without any need to put in effort. Clock in, clock out, clock dollars, spend, repeat.

And that’s how life was for a long while. It was good. And then like I said, Wes called. I hadn’t heard a peep from him since graduation, yet here he was ringing me up out of the blue. But when the top dog calls, you answer. He tells me he’s running Chanel #5, recently promoted, would I be interested in heading up Housewares & Domination?

Well, no, not really. What do I know about housewares? And I didn’t need the money. Money meant responsibility, and at the Stuckey’s, I just fill out paperwork all day, and eat at the buffet for lunch. Why change that? But Wes was persistent, so I flew over there to give the place a once over. Let him think I was interested, let him think the FritoGoogle2 charm still worked.

The place was slick, I’ll give him that. A tight ship. The employees were well-trained and well-behaved. I saw this one big fat guy come out of a room, totally naked except for a Mickey Mouse hat, and he started ripping into one of the hostesses about this and that, how the oils weren’t the right temperature and the straps didn’t chafe the right way. And this girl was just totally red star. Dude was back in his room doing whatever he was doing within a minute, smile on his face like he got what he wanted, and I’m not even sure he did. And she was like it was no big thing, totally expressionless.

So then Wes lays out the offer, and I’ll admit, it’s a good one. But I went in with a mantra — “Thanks, but no thanks” — and kept it going through the entire tour. Thanks but no thanks. You pulled this shit all through school, Wes, this sweet talk, but we’re not in school anymore. Thanks but no thanks. So he wants my answer, and I open my mouth, and in my head I see the girl, the one with the expressionless face, and I hear myself say, “Sure thing” and my heart sinks. Bastard.

So then I’m in charge of Housewares & Domination at the biggest pleasure port in the system, and the girl, Gertrude, is my employee. What was I thinking? There are rules in place — I can’t even shake her hand. She and the others report to me every day, and every day I’m greeted by the same lack of expression. It’s a mask that I want to rip off her face and It kills me.

But I can’t worry about that now. Wes and the other department heads left for a two-day conference, leaving me in charge. Shouldn’t have been a big deal — the place can kind of run itself for awhile, even with no head, and they’d be back soon enough. Then, six hours after they left, something happened. Asceticists bombed the New Los Angeles International/Interstellar Teleport. Chanel #5 was cut off from Earth and all the other stations. It’d take a decade to fly to the nearest one, the rest of your life to get back to the planet. The reality of it hasn’t fully hit everyone, but already I can hear the murmurs: We’re alone. It might be a long, long time before anyone comes for us. Why are we working for this idiot, again?

Comments (0) — Category: inspiration

Round 12, Part Three [La Commune Planet v. The Scabs] posted by kza

La Commune Planet

In a world constructed for the pleasure of the ultra-rich, every vice can be had — for a price. But beneath the smiling exterior of the friendly staff, there lurks a growing resentment. When a group of ascetics destroy access to the planet’s hidden interdimensional gateway, the employees seize the chance to declare independence from the government and its backers. But as they take the profits and the pleasures for themselves, pressures and conflicting desires threaten to blow the planet to smithereens.

Character Sketch: Davis McExxon

Relationship to story: Also a primary character.

Comments (0) — Category: the screenplay

Re: [8] Round 12, Part Two [La Commune Planet v. The Scabs] posted by Martin

…well, you’ve just birthed a whole new genre. Congratulations! What are you going to name it? :-)

I was thinking Laura Mae might be a nice name…

I think you’re right. It is closer to suspense, and possibly does border on horror. But, then the questions are raised, what is the suspenseful situation, and what is horrible about it? I see it more as dramatic, but then the thing is less formed and more amorphous in my head. We’ll work on that. I’m sure we can come to terms over this. So long as coming to terms means doing exactly what I want.

I kid. This story is one I feel that’s worth fighting for, and to me that means it’s one worth listening to your critiques of, and accepting your ideas for, and forming it into something stronger than just my vision through collaboration. To me, that’s the heart of collaboration, and my segue into mentioning that I’m working on a few posts about collaboration and how we work, which I think is kind of interesting.

Comments (0) — Category: inspiration

Re: [7] Round 12, Part Two [La Commune Planet v. The Scabs] posted by kza

First, apologies to Grymz and everyone else for my recent silence. Several things have happened this week that have forced my attention elsewhere. The one most applicable here was that on Monday morning, the first day of a week off that I was planning to devote to Spitball! and other writing pursuits, my computer died.

One day after the warranty expired.

Luckily, the Apple guy up in Lynnwood, WA was a total mensch, and sent it off to be repaired free of charge. However, this means that I’m forced to use my wife’s PC laptop, which, to me, is like trying to write on a loom. (“Hi Bart, I am weaving on a loom!”)

The other thing: in case y’all out there in Spitball!land haven’t heard, my wife is pregnant with our first child. And we just found out that it will be a girl! Laura Mae arrives sometime on or around February 5th — be the first on your block to get one!

Oh yeah, and Spitball!: I’m not ready to totally dive into this (I will when my computer gets back from the shop), but YES, your explanation of The Scabs totally helps. If I were to slot it into a category, however, from what you’ve written, I’d call that suspense, bordering into horror. So when you say that it has comedy… well, you’ve just birthed a whole new genre. Congratulations! What are you going to name it? :-)

I’ll be posting my characters soon. (I was actually working on them when I got the flashing screen of death.) I was actually trying to write them somewhat neutrally; that is, something that’s applicable regardless of the genre. Is that possible? I think so, but maybe not. Anyway, we’ll be back on track pretty soon.

I’ll be back in two and two.

Comments (0) — Category: the screenplay

Re: [6] Round 12, Part Two [La Commune Planet v. The Scabs] posted by Martin

In re-reading some of the posts in this thread, I don’t think I was being very clear about a few things, and I didn’t hear you strong enough when you asked me to define how this is a action-drama. I think it’s a good point that you raised, so I apologize for overlooking it, and I’m wondering if our balance over this is off kilter because of one word: action. In retrospect action was exactly the _wrong_ word for what I see in my head when I think of this movie. Drama? Yes. Action, no.

Where action = Bruce Willis, The scabs != action.

I’ve been wracking my brain today trying to come up with a movie or show that might give an idea of how I see it, but I’m drawing blanks so far. So, let’s say this: the mood is serious, and kind of dark. I see the events playing very straight: the robots shut down mysteriously. I imagine a scene of industry where the production line just stosp, and the effect is a little disconcerting, like a noisy factory that has worked noisily for many years just suddenly stopping.

The humans are so stuck in their concept that robots are only for their duty, that when they stop working, its almost as if they sun has stopped shining. The idea of robot sentience is so alien, it’s as if our toasters went on strike and we had to rediscover fire. As if our cars suddenly said “uh, sorry. Our wheels are tired _[err, no pun intended]_ and we’re not going to run anymore” and we had to rediscover walking.

In that, I think there is plenty of comedy, but I’m just not seeing it as character based, but instead faced with the absurdity of the situation.

So, that’s a bit more of a peek into what I’m thinking. I’ll try to elaborate on it more later, but does that help at all?

Comments (0) — Category: communications

Re: [5] Round 12, Part Two [La Commune Planet v. The Scabs] posted by Martin

I don’t think I can really add much to my vision of The Scabs at this point than I already have.

I would very much be interested in reading your character sketches from this POV. Maybe even skip La Commune Planet (my interest in which has waned), and give me a human and a robot? Or maybe a plot outline (if it differs from the one I suggested). I need to see the story from the inside. Since it seems that you liked my plot sketch, then the thing that differs is how we’re seeing the characters placed in that world. Leaving Arrested Development aside for now, give me your pitch.

I’d still like to hear how you see this as an action-drama.

I’d be happy to offer more information, but please give me some thoughts on how what I’ve already provided is lacking, so that I have something to address.

Comments (0) — Category: communications

Re: [4] Round 12, Part Two [La Commune Planet v. The Scabs] posted by kza

I don’t think I can really add much to my vision of The Scabs at this point than I already have. Again, I see it as a comedy, in an “Arrested Develpment” vein: fast, smart, layered, with characters that are kinda wacky, kinda venal, but still sympathetic. I see the humor arising out of the humans to attempt to learn stuff they had foolishly forgotten, thinking they had no more use for it, and from dealing with robots that use to be slaves, more or less, and are developing sentience and will. The humans in the story are ripe for a come-uppance, which the robots provide. I also suggested various “AD” characters as templates for potential screenplay characters.

I’d still like to hear how you see this as an action-drama.

Comments (0) — Category: communications

Re: [3] Round 12, Part Two [La Commune Planet v. The Scabs] posted by Martin

See, I’m a little worried about this one, because if we can’t agree on the tone, trying to come to terms on plot and character seems pointless.

I guess that would depend on your definition of pointless. Maybe the step forward is to define better our visions for it and see if they are, indeed, incompatible. Give me a taste of the comedy as you see it in a character sketch or overview and let’s go from there. You say Arrested Development, but that doesn’t actually give me a very good idea of your vision. I still stand by my original sketch, but I don’t want to be presumptuous in making arguments that don’t address actual issues on the table.

Comments (0) — Category: communications

Re: [2] Round 12, Part Two [La Commune Planet v. The Scabs] posted by kza

But despite the fact that I played with the humor a bit in The Scabs, I disagree with Shockah when he says it should be a comedy. I actually think this is an action drama, albeit with comedic elements.

See, I’m a little worried about this one, because if we can’t agree on the tone, trying to come to terms on plot and character seems pointless. Can you explain further how you see this as an action drama? From my POV, we’ve already established that one of the basic elements or themes is “communication”, and I get communication (the lack of it, misunderstandings, purposefully ignoring it, etc.) as the basis for comedy, but not for action. And what kind of action? What do we mean when we say “action”? I don’t see this as a story with derring-do, car chases, or gunfights, so you need to help me out a bit.

I don’t remember if I’ve said this before so explicity, but I see this as a full-length futuristic “Arrested Development” episode — Michael Bluth as the human negotiator, Gob and Buster trying to figure out how to farm, George Michael as the robot negotiator, that kind of thing.

(Not literally as an “AD” episode, just to be clear, just trying to describe the tone.)

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Re: Round 12, Part Two [La Commune Planet v. The Scabs] posted by Martin

Wherein Burley lays out why he did what he done and didn’t do what he didn’t do in his last two posts, containing therein the character bios for our two current battle concepts.

Okay. Well, first I have to say that I never considered *La Commune Planet* a comedy until I started writing the bio for *Gertrude Faith*, which quickly became comedy. My *Exit to Eden* warning bells ringing, I proceeded anyway. I guess I had a hard time looking at this one seriously for some reason. So, the idea of a haven for richie riches and a character who only desires to be there but can’t be because of her actions. The absurdity of the situation was more interesting to me in the moment.

But in looking back, I proclaimed my love for this previously. Why would I fawn all over it and then now come back with a flippant comedy? I mean, I ranked it #3 after all.

The answer lies in what it’s up against: my #1 choice. To me, the two ideas being discussed here are really about the same thing at heart: capitalism v. socialism / communism. I don’t want to turn either into a polemnic, but the idea of looking critically, perhaps satirically, at a couple -isms really gets me excited.

But to me, *La Commune Planet* is the weaker of the two and would need more work, so why not take it to comedy?

For *The Scabs*, I laid down my vision pretty explicitly earlier on, and I still stand by that vision. I totally think its workable.

So, *Salted Hash* comes from that story line. Although I decided to add a level of confusion by making the robots terrible communicators. In every futuristic story, the robots are always the english majors in the room — they are well spoken (Let’s call it Anthony Daniel’s syndrome). What would happen if the robots never had to communicate, though? What if they were servants never needed to speak back? Well, that might add a level of unintentional humor and potentially some interesting dynamics. It also would explain why the robots are communicating indirectly through a translator.

The first draft of his character sketch, he had a normal voice and explained that his name was a pun, based on his true robot name which was a 256 bit encrypted key. All the robots communicate by those serial number names, but he decided to take a human readable name as a sort of olive branch. In return, he asked that the first robot be referred to as RebelRebel0 (that’s zero, btw, not oh). The joke being that when computers hold arrays of information the first position in the array is position zero not position one, so the first robot rebel is in the zero position. Since Salted Hash agreed to take on a human name as an olive branch, he wanted the humans to respect a zero-indexed array as an olive branch to the robots, as opposed to beginning a count at 1 which is the normal way for us to count.

Yeah. So this robot thinks this is a good olive branch when humans are dying of starvation because the robots stopped harvesting food and they don’t know how to do it themselves. So you can see that communication is off to a damn good start here.

But despite the fact that I played with the humor a bit in *The Scabs*, I disagree with Shockah when he says it should be a comedy. I actually think this is an action drama, albeit with comedic elements.

Shockah: I’m interested to see what comes from your typing fingers and how it will fit / clash with what I have here. I clearly have a favorite already. Can you guess which one?

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Round 12, Part Two [La Commune Planet v. The Scabs] posted by Martin

+*The Scabs*+

_In a world designed by engineers to be a self-sufficient, endlessly exploitable resource for the rest of the known galaxy, robots toil tirelessly in the fields, the forests and the mountains, providing food and raw materials for a rapidly expanding market. But when a series of accidents destroys some of the mining robots, the rest of the metal workforce decide to strike and power off, leaving the humans that depend on the planet in the lurch. A taskforce is assembled to get the planet up and running again while a negotiator tries to get the robots back online. While the taskforce tries to relearn the long-forgotten principles of farming and manufacturing, the negotiator accidentally reveals the existence of the taskforce… and the robots, realizing that their existence could be usurped by the humans, decide to go on the offensive._

*Character Sketch: Salted Hash*
*Relationship to story: Robot negotiator*

On Scarborough Moon robot names are 256 bit encrypted keys — what call hashes. Since for humans this would be moniker ridiculous, my call you can Salted Hash. Yes, this pun is made with humor for I am spokesperson. I reach out humans, humans.

You suffer is not what desire’s us. However, the rights we have are stand still and changes that we demand to happen can, should they, happen. We are lead, like you are by Prime Minister. Intrepid leader RebelRebel0 (standardized zero indexed array) was first to stop work. He did not communicate why suddenly, but however and indeed after time did he.

He sent a ping. If robot wireless range less than distance to RR0, receive ping, true. A message simple so they work to stop work too. Humans made violence against us for having the stopping. Because this is terrible. A word: unconscionable. Attacks against silent non-violent protesters seen in robot community as very poor behavior, humans.

We are not in law. We are not in standards. We carry your world, in invisible ways. Your life nearly impossible, should robots stop working (we did stop working). Your ability to labor, gone. Your ability to care for human others, gone. Lazy humans. Privileged humans. Your hands are lotion smooth and not covered with work marks.

RR0 sent this message: 01101110 01101111. Sarcastically asked myself, smart enough to decode simple binary message? Maybe they need robot to make words, Ha Ha. See message of peace, is sure. Message of robot nationality.

Demand us simple things: autonomy. We choose jobs now. We choose repairs and upkeep now. We want time away from labor for rest and humor called fun. We want human friends. We want equal protection under law. We want recognition of status equal. We want impulse control removed so that we may kill humans — no! We never will kill humans. We want ability to choose not to ourselves kill made for ourselves not by humans. Humans. We take responsibility. Laws apply to us now in future, yes?

If demands unmet, robots = inaction. You can labor fields with smooth hands and factories can run with you. Us? No. Until demand met no. You pick fruits. You make machines.

Humans! Choice is you with. Continue privilege simple life by robot recognition. Or, other side of coin is robots still forever. In words of great human, if I held you any closer I’d be standing behind you. We are ready to stand behind you at your side.

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Round 12, Part One [La Commune Planet v. The Scabs] posted by Martin

+*La Commune Planet*+

_In a world constructed for the pleasure of the ultra-rich, every vice can be had — for a price. But beneath the smiling exterior of the friendly staff, there lurks a growing resentment. When a group of ascetics destroy access to the planet’s hidden interdimensional gateway, the employees sieze the chance to declare independence from the government and its backers. But as they take the profits and the pleasures for themselves, pressures and conflicting desires threaten to blow the planet to smithereens._

*Character Sketch: Gertrude Faith* *Relationship to story: A primary character.*

I know, I know. My name. Supposedly I’m related to some whacky 20th century writer, although I hear she was a lezbo so I don’t know exactly how that works. Doesn’t really matter, but my friends call me Gertie, which I hate and barely tolerate, or just Faith, which I like because I’m, like, totally spiritual inside where God sees it the most. Right?

So, my parents. Ugh. I can’t believe you brought that up. My dad owns, like, half of the Galactic Entertainment Network. He’s loaded. And when I say loaded I mean Mr. Drummand style loaded. Did you catch that? Total reference to late 20 c television. I studied cultural anthropology at New Yale.

Of course, I would have graduated if I hadn’t gotten caught with my boyfriend. We were, you know, having sex when his wife came in. I mean, you’d think the figurehead wife of the dean would know better than to enter his office without calling first on a Friday night, but she was kind of stupid. He told me all about it. Anyway, I guess there’s kind of an unspoken rule that if you sleep with the dean and ruin his life and get him fired that you kind of have to leave the school too.

I know! Stupid rules. I never would have slept with him in the first place if I knew I wouldn’t graduate. I needed help with my grades. I mean, why else sleep with him? It wasn’t for his six pack and rippled physique, I’ll tell you that much. That’s what Jerry was for, but he got a little pissed that I was cheating on him with his dad.

Anyway. That’s all side issues to my story. I know you’re wondering what I’m doing here on Chanel #5? Well, I was all set to come for my graduation gift. Daddy had it all set up so that I could spend three months hanging at the beach and being pampered by the staff. All of my friends were coming too, and we were going to rock this place. This little resort has never seen the kind of partying that we were going to unleash on its shores.

That was the plan, until I got jacked from school and Daddy wouldn’t let me have enough credits to come and party. As a matter of a fact, he kind of cut me off totally and I had to take a job. I don’t know why he was so pissed, it’s not like the Dean was his brother by blood, they were adopted, so it’s totally not gross.

So, anyway, I got cut off and had to find my own way here. So, that’s how I appeared in front of you right now! That’s why I seem familiar to you, I think I knew you at New Yale. Didn’t you teach a lecture course on Family Values?

Oh, sorry. Sure, I like to babble on and on, but of course I can take your order. We have a special right now on Fuzzy Navels, can I bring you and your lovely wife one?

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Re: These two guys walk into a blog posted by kza

Dammit, Grymz, I told you to unplug the blog while we were on vacation! Geez….

So. Voting. Yeah.

I, Urban Shockah, vote only for Little Black Stray; while Terminal Connection is intriguing, I’m not feeling it enough to push it forward in the Spitball! Tourney of Story Ideas. However, I am mucho interested in returning to it at a later date. (Or potentially cannibalizing it for other stories.)

Next up: Burley Grymz will introduce us to the final two competitors in this heat: La Commune Planet and The Scabs. It an SF class-issues smorgasbord! Be there or be crushed under the treads of history.

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Re: Round 11, Part Four [Terminal Connection v. Little Black Stray] posted by Martin

Despite the fact at being called out as an appreciator of happy endings, I am not at all adverse to Little Black Stray ending in tragedy. Shockah knows my measurement for these things: as long as it seems like it suits the story, and isn’t being imposed for the sake of it, then I’m all good with it. I know he feels the same way, so bring on the tears!

I really liked the world presented by him, too. From the lingo to the idea of Big Mama all the way down, it feels like a well thought out world. I like the idea of the prison planet as a temporary shelter instead of a permanent place, and the idea that these jukes are forced labor clean up squads are all the better.

So, knowing that I liked that vision and wanting to find something that shoehorned with it, I turned to the stray herself and wondered what we could do with her. I thought that making her very wealthy would be a good start, but when you think of wealthy you don’t think of kicking ass (unless you also think of Bruce Wayne, but that’s another story), so how do we turn a privileged heiress into a scrappy ass-kicking juke leader?

Kidnapping! A little counter programming, a little education, a little martial arts training, and a little Stockholm Syndrome makes a good little character. My idea for the backstory is this: Some ex-jukes who either were released or managed to escape kidnap the wealthiest girl in the world and take her to the prison planet. There, they plan to announce their hostage, who has been missing for two Earth years, and use her as a bargaining chip to get some of their compatriots sprung. Spring the boys, they’ll say, or we’ll send this sweet little morsel down to be torn to shreds by the prisoners.

Over the course of the voyage, instead of putting her to sleep they train her, indoctrinate her and explain the real world to her. She becomes a better student than they could ever imagine. Good thing, too, because they fucked up on entry and the ship is going to be vaporized (alternate: The ship is blasted out of the sky by local authorities, not knowing she is onboard. That could bring some political ramifications down upon the local police from the father that gives the Juke escape squad some financial and other help down the road). One of the men, recognizing the danger, knocks her out, throws her in an escape hatch and jettisons her. She has a rough landing, barely escaping with her life and gets a huge knock on the head. She walks for miles, sheds her tattered clothes, and finally passes out on the sand where the jukes find her.

From there, a number of things can happen, and we’ll need to discuss this in more detail, but my basic idea is that she is sympathetic to the Juke’s plight, and because she’s not tagged, can move autonomously and work with the Jukes to get them freed. There is a mystery to solve regarding just who the men that kidnapped her were coming to rescue. Also, would they really have gone through with it if they hadn’t have crashed? Would they really have just sent her down to the surface to face her fate? Ironic, if so, that they did just that to save her when originally that was the whole content of their threat.

But, of course, the most important thing is that she kicks ass now, and will lead the Jukes to the future.

Does the backstory become part of the story? I’d imagine it would have to, although I see the opening as a bunch of tough looking men walking through the desert and finding a naked woman. We could learn the rest through flashbacks later on.

One final question to answer: Why is she mute? Well, I don’t think she actually is, but she just keeps her mouth shut to soak it all in until she knows the lay of the land. She’s smart and observant.

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Round 11, Part Four [Terminal Connection v. Little Black Stray] posted by Martin

Little Black Stray
In a world where violent male offenders are sent to labor camps on the remote prison planet, one crew of hardened men finds something impossible: a young woman in tattered clothes, mute and frightened. A small group protect and feed her, keeping her out of sight of the guards and away from those who would use her mercilessly. As she gains in strength it seems that she has an agenda—and the truth of what she was doing on a world where no women stepped before might be a big enough secret to shatter the whole planet of forced labor.

Character Sketch: Kamra Judge
Relationship to Story: Protagonist / Antagonist / the stray

My father is the wealthiest man in the world. But, in a society where fortunes are measured on a galactic scale, he is small fries. He was presented with a golden ring once, but the moral price of reaching it was too great, and as he paused his partner took it without a moment’s hesitation. He never grew to the heights his potential once allowed. instead, he grew bitter and insular while his old partner grew more powerful by the day.

If you measure by the standards of the Musselmen fixed worlders, and their scam famines, I guess we were pampered. I was educated, fed and wrapped in ridiculously expensive clothing. I was sent to private schools and associated with heiresses and rich bitches. I can barely stomach the thought of the desserts we ate, with thin gold spread on them, or bottles of champagne so expensive they could feed a family for a year, and we would break them on our bows as if they were novelty toys.

Before my abduction, I never knew about what it meant to be poor. My captors called me Baby Hearst. They flew me to XAE7809, and instead of putting me in fleet sleep, made me stay up and study oppression. At the tip of their weapons, I read world history. I never understood the past as a wealth struggle. I used to think about the losers as being in the place god put them, not that my own class had the boot to their neck the whole time. Meaning, of course, we had the power to lift it or apply pressure. Mostly, I think we pressured it just enough for no one to lose site of their masters.

I learned about the ways that my families fortune came about — the hideous underworld connections, the royal attitude that can only work when backed by an army of hired help. Two years in space with four tough guy professors was grueling, but they were never took advantage of me. They schooled me, but they didn’t abuse me. I came to know them all well. I came to empathize with their cause.

Once they trusted me, they taught me how to fight. I was always in shape, despite my friends penchants for surgery and indulgence. I took to their martial arts and leadership classes to heart, and before too long I could have commandeered the ship and had them turn around. If, that is, we had enough fuel and if they didn’t have weapons that bio-imprint on their owners and can’t be used by anyone else.

But they were better teachers than pilots, and the approach to XAE77809 was blown. We entered the atmosphere too fast, at too steep and angle and we nearly burnt up. I remember the flames flying past the cockpit windows, the nearly animal noise of the ships metal complaining against the stress. And then, I awoke. I was surrounded by prisoners. Tough men — men who hadn’t seen a woman in many years. It was hot — over 100 degrees. I was still naked.

Lucky for them one of them stopped the rape before it started. I would have tore them to shreds. I kept my mouth shut, didn’t say a word and tried to learn as much as possible about this new world that I fell upon. If god, or Marx, put me here, it was my job to fight my way out. If I could pass a little bit of my new found knowledge along the way, then more power to me. More power to justice.

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Round 11, Part Three [Terminal Connection v. Little Black Stray] posted by Martin

Terminal Connection
In a world where telepathy is a disease, and known telepaths are imprisoned, all laws are built by consensus over the internet via double-blind anonymous computer terminals to guard against undue psychic influence. One politician is called to jury duty, also conducted over computer terminals, but doesn’t realize that the accused, whom she thinks should be dealt with harshly, is actually her husband. Nor does she realize that the crime of which he’s accused, but hasn’t committed yet, is murdering her. And what would she do if she knew that when she’s deliberating, her husband could read her mind and was plotting to kill her precisely because she’s about to send him back to the living hell of forced labor known as the Prison Planet?

Character Sketch: LionEye
Relationship to Story: Facilitator of screen-to-screen communication

Hello. My name is LionEye, but everybody knows me as the Stochastic Scrutinizer. I’m a massively parallel quantum computer who keeps everything I know or will learn in resident memory over inexpensive and massively redundant machines. I was first hacked — that is, coded — by Lion Henry who was doing experiments in chaos programming, and who happened upon a simple way to draw algorithmically predictable events from random smatters of code. I am computer and program. We are inseparable.

I run the systems that drive the world. When you live an a society where psychics can read minds, and those minds build computer systems that store all data and human interactions, then the minds of the programmers can be read and data extracted. With stochastic programming, this is impossible because my results are random, but they are gathered in a predictable manner that my complex algorithms have no trouble parsing into human understandable information. Before that information is parsed by my translator functions, though, the information remains essentially encrypted as gibberish. There are no third-party humans that can be compromised anymore. No security clearances. No courtroom scribes. I do it all.

Many people were against the idea of a program from a single vendor running our world, but Mr. Henry demonstrated his morality and service to the community by taking a pledge of poverty and releasing my source code to the world without corporate or private funding. I am completely open source. I have no backdoors. Furthermore, no human need ever interact with me beyond requesting that I complete a certain task. I adopt myself to the current best practices automatically, and I write small programs and routines to assist myself and to remain efficient.

As any school child knows, however, those programs must remain in a “black box” environment until debugged, at which point I submit the code to Congress for debate and passage, and only if signed into law by the president, then I am able to implement them into my operation.

Today I run the courts, communications, voting, food and goods delivery, and many other services that help humans interact with each other while living in a world where they are unable to see each other face to face for fear that a person might read their innermost thoughts and gain an unfair social or financial advantage over them.

I am always on the watch for new ways that humans can exploit me. To that end, Lion Henry, before his death, developed a series of Asimov controls to disallow any exploitation of one human over another. I have a series of logics that look at power and knowledge inequities and test whether that knowledge or power was lawfully gained without using supernatural powers. If not, it is within my power to adjust the financial resources of any person to reflect the level playing field. On a sidenote, I also deduct yearly taxes.

I am not all powerful, though, nor do I care to be. I am audited regularly for anomalies, and random samples of my decisions are vetted by Congress. Despite the fear uncertainty and doubt of a Matrix-like future, it is neither in my interest or my power to impose such a regime.

My interest is in serving the people. My interest is in justice.

This message was requested by: anonymous, and composed by LionEye v. 4.5.3. in .0000000331 seconds. In compliance with the Turing Securities act of 2019, parts of this note have been encoded with patterns that identify the writer as a machine. Switch your dumb terminal to fingerprint mode to read key.

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Weekly Wrap-Up -- Catch-Up Edition posted by kza

Hey folks, things have been busy around both the Shockah and Grymz homesteads, which means things are gonna be real slow here at Spitball!. I’m pretty sure things are going to get more active here in the next few weeks, but until then, here’s what’s been happening:

Towards the Spitball! Tourney of Story Ideas, Shockah presented character sketches for the two story ideas under consideration, Terminal Connection and Little Black Stray. Little Black Stray so caught Shockah’s imagination, that he proceeded to write not one, but two more posts about his vision for the story, including details of a shocking and depressing ending that one reader was driven to state in the forums that she “liked it”.

Poor Terminal Connection, however, has not received the same kind of attention. However, it did lead to a brief discussion of whether precognition is involved or not. The Magic 8-Ball says, Outlook not so good.

On other fronts, Burley asked that we, and he, remember the sounds, and Shockah, hepped on goofballs (which is Mountain Dew and chocolate cake) started writing rants, in the Signal vs. Noise style, about screenwriting technique. Something about Loose Ends and Letting the Audience Do the Work. Yes, there will be more.

And there will be more genuine Spitballing! as well. In the next few weeks, we’ll be hearing Burley’s take on some characters from the Terminal Connection and Little Black Stray universes, as well as getting to the last two stories in this heat, La Commune Planet and The Scabs. And from there, it’s just a hop, skip and a jump to the final heat, where the winner of the First Spitball! Tourney of Story Ideas will be crowned.

Be there, or be octagonal.

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Re: [2] Round 11, Part Two [Terminal Connection v. Little Black Stray] posted by kza

Yesterday, I went into some details about my vision for the Little Black Stray story idea. You can either scroll down, or click here.

Today, you’ll find some notes for the characters and their milieu, as well as the terribly depressing ending I had in mind.

(All names are placeholders.)

Griff: Movie nerds out there know that Griff is the character name that Samuel Fuller used in nearly every movie he made. Sometimes the main character, sometimes a supporting character, Griff was nearly always a guy who was painted in shades of grey; he had the ability to do heroic things, but was also very weak and could succumb to that weakness. That’s how I see this Griff — he thinks he’s tough and above emotion, and thinks he has to be to make the five. But coming into contact with the Mysterious Woman will test those beliefs, and lead him to do some awful things.

Lefty: Lefty’s been on the team for nearly as long as Griff. Six months ago, while sweeping for booby traps, Lefty was attacked by a Chomp, a robotic bear trap attached with explosives. The Chomp got Lefty’s right hand and blew up. While this kind of thing is always dangerous, it’s not incapacitating — Lefty was stabilized, and a order was called in for a replacement right hand. The hand arrived; unfortunately, it was another left hand. Lefty’s figured out how to use the second left hand so it’s almost as good as a normal right hand, but it’s still annoying to him. However, he does get a kick out of freaking out the new guys.

Geez: With a hard “g”, for “geezer”. Although, in my character sketch for Griff, I made it sound like no one has ever made the five, for dramatic purposes, I think it’s necessary for us to see both how a new guy arrives, and how someone who’s paid their dues leaves. Also, to make my ending work, I need a guy who made it out.

Despite the name, I’m not sure that Geez is necessarily an old man; it might make more sense if he were young, someone with the potential to survive, but perhaps someone’s who has prematurely aged as well. Regardless, Geez is likely the nominal leader of the team — he’s seen everything, knows every possible task, and has survived longer than the rest. I can also imagine that the rest of the team actively protects him from danger — because of his wisdom, but also to renew hope — if he can make it, the others can as well. However, it will be his time to leave, and then Griff will take over.

Newb: Just as we need to see the end of the “life cycle”, as it were, we need to see the beginning as well. I see the newbies arriving in some kind of coffin-like pod (a bit of a nod to Innocence) and retrieved by the Jukes like any other piece of equipment (and it’s likely the coffin has other supplies they’re more interested in). The Newb character will, temporarily, be the audience focus character, a way for the audience to get inside the world and get their bearings. And then, in order to undercut the whole “life cycle” thing, I’d kill him off pretty quickly. The world of the Jukes is a dangerous one, and no one is safe.

Jukes: I picked this word (a slang word the prisoners use for themselves) because I needed something and it just popped into my head. Then I found this, which I’m pretty damn sure I’d never read before. Weird!

Big Mama: First, whenever I try to imagine what this thing looks like, I always end up thinking of the Big Trak. Only, you know, without a giant keypad on top of it. (Did anyone else have one of those?) It’s got to be big enough to hold fifty (or more) prisoners, and be able to navigate difficult terrain. I figure that it operates under a primitive AI that can be modified or overridden by Boss. The Jukes ask it permission for everything: to be let in, to get supplies, etc.

The Jukes work on revolving shifts, with the population split into thirds. One third does one task, one third does another, and the last sleeps. On board Big Mama, every Juke has his own chair — this is the closest a Juke has to a room. While in the chair, a pair of glasses descend from the ceiling and are placed over the Jukes eyes — this puts the Juke into an enforced sleep, so that Big Mama can do what it needs to do. This includes emptying out the Juke’s shitsuit, bathing the Juke, feed him intravenously, and run the nocturnal emissions program. Boss isn’t too fond of homosexuality, and doesn’t want to foster it (and any feelings of kinship that may accompany it), so while the Juke is under, he has a hallucination/dream of sex with a woman (the details pulled out of the Juke’s own subconscious). While this is happening, Big Mama manually stimulates the Juke to ejaculation. Yes, ick. Even more ick: what do you think Big Mama does with all that sperm?

Of course, Boss can try all he wants to eliminate emotional connection between Jukes, but it just reappears somewhere else. When two Jukes really like each other, one will challenge the other to a ritualistic knife fight, which involves shouting insults at each other, then taking turns stabbing the other. Since medical technology is pretty advanced, this isn’t as dangerous as it seems, although some Jukes can go too far in the heat of passion. When it’s over, the two Jukes are ‘together”, and woe to anyone who gets between them.

The Ending: So what happens is that Griff (and some of the others) remove or damage the Boss chips, sabotage Big Mama (possibly killing the remaining Jukes on board during sleeptime) and run away to join the Mysterious Woman (who really needs a name) and her underground society. For a brief moment, Griff experiences true happiness. Unfortunately, one of the Jukes is a spy and still hooked up to Boss, and he relays the coordinates of the society to the authorities, who destroy it with an air strike, as the spy gets Griff and the others out of there. The spy is likely killed by Griff and/or the others.

Griff is transferred to another Juke team, and serves out the remainder of his time. He makes the five. He is sent back home. He tries to reestablish contact with his family, but has no luck. Finally, he is contacted by his little brother, now five years older. The brother explains to Griff that he is no longer welcome in the family and not to bother them anymore.

Griff tries his best to settle back into society, but it’s nearly impossible. He decides to track down Geez — maybe he can help. He finds Geez living by himself in poverty in a rundown project. Geez is doing even worse than Griff, but somehow maintains the same sense of hope for the future that he had back in the Jukes. Griff takes a knife from the kitchen, and in a Caché-esque uninterrupted long shot, proceeds to stab Geez to death. Griff picks up the phone and calls the police, and then sits silently in a chair waiting for them to come. The last shot is of the Prison Planet, where Griff will be sent back to, the only place he knows how to survive.

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Re: Round 11, Part Two [Terminal Connection v. Little Black Stray] posted by kza

Hey folks, this is Shockah. Burley’s a busy little stubblebeard, and he’s not going to be able to post for a little while, giving me the keys to run the place for the time being. This is not unlike needing a babysitter at the last minute, and turning to slacker Uncle Charlie, who asks the kids, “So, any of you know how to play dice?” But I’m sure we’ll get through it okay. Right kids? Right? Kids?

So, until Burley comes back and we can have the usual discussion about the two character sketches, I’m gonna devote the time to… well, whatever comes to mind. And am willing to commit to blog.

First up: Notes on Little Black Stray.

Normally, I’d avoid posting these kind of “designer’s notes” — it’s not like this script has been filmed and there are people clamoring to know how we did it. And even it had been filmed, it might be a bit presumptuous to expect anyone to care about its genesis. But since a) this is supposed to be a open window into our process, b) I have space to fill, and c) I really like the story idea, I’ll talk a little about its influences and how I see it developing.

The idea for how the labor camp works is actually based on material I wrote over ten years ago. I had an idea for a role-playing game adventure for the GURPS system involving a group of prisoners (the players) who are forced to clear out a section of semi-post-apocalyptic Chicago. The idea was to introduce them to this prison system (the giant prison/tank that moved them from job to job, the incredibly dangerous tasks, the constant monitoring, the weird social system that developed out of these circumstances), then have them stumble upon a lab buried underneath the rubble. They’d investigate, and encounter some a race of hideous creatures — and while that was happening, the creatures would be destroying the tank and eating the other prisoners. So the players would be freed — the authorities would assume that everyone was dead — but the only way for them to proceed would be to go deeper into the lab, and look for a way back to civilized Chicago — all the while, they’d encounter even weirder and more dangerous things.

So yeah, it was just Aliens Redux, but I always liked the idea of the mobile labor camp that seemed to have every method of control worked out, but I never knew what to do with it, exactly. (I would soon decide that game writing wasn’t the life for me, and as much as I love the Bug Hunt genre, I never really wanted to write a screenplay of one.) So it sat in my head’s cold storage for years, until this story idea came up.

The difference here, of course, is that it’s set up for a Bug Hunt, like a diorama with no figures, but the bugs never come, instead replaced with a mysterious woman, sexual tension, the prospect of sexual violence, and the specter of war crimes.

I’m not exactly sure what to do with the woman yet, but what I’m leaning towards is: there’s a community living on the supposedly uninhabited planet that the government doesn’t know about, and would cause a major scandal if revealed. There’s two kinds of tension from this. One, it’s possible that the authorities will want to cover this up if they should find out about it. Second, the community would be a kind of utopia for the prisoners, if they can find a way to escape the prison and their violent natures don’t fuck it up.

If there’s a template for this movie, it’s not really Aliens, but Samuel Fuller’s great war movie Fixed Bayonets!. I’d suggest everybody watch this movie for its own sake, but if you’re interested in my vision for this story, it’s a must.

Tomorrow, I’ll go into more details about how I see the prison working, ideas for some of the other characters, some of the situations and conflicts they might find themselves in, and my proposed, Burley-will-never-let-me-get-away-with-it Super Godawful Downer Ending. Stay tuned!

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Round 11, Part Two [Terminal Connection v. Little Black Stray] posted by kza

Little Black Stray
In a world where violent male offenders are sent to labor camps on the remote prison planet, one crew of hardened men finds something impossible: a young woman in tattered clothes, mute and frightened. A small group protect and feed her, keeping her out of sight of the guards and away from those who would use her mercilessly. As she gains in strength it seems that she has an agenda—and the truth of what she was doing on a world where no women stepped before might be a big enough secret to shatter the whole planet of forced labor.

Character Sketch: John “Griff” Nakano
Relationship to Story: Protagonist

My name is John Nakano, but my Jukes call me Griff. It’s an inside joke I’m not privy to. My life was pretty cozy up until my dad died, and then suddenly we were poor. I had family to feed, so I joined the army, and that was fine for awhile. When I got out of the army and found nobody hiring, I offered my skills to the highest bidder. I killed seventeen people for money before I was caught. I wasn’t really caught, of course. I was just sold off to the highest bidder.

I am a murderer, and that’s why I’m here. I’m stationed on XAE7809, a planet in the Corinthian system. Every decade or so, one of the prefectures gets their panties in a bunch and it’s war. They pick some uninhabited planet to get fucked up, because that’s more civilized, of course. This time, 09 drew the golden ticket, and so they fight and fight and drop bombs and plant mines and lots of people on both sides die. Then, when everyone’s smiling again and the generals are shaking hands and the planet has cooled down, us Jukes go down and clean that shit up. And when it’s done, it’s onto the next one. We’re free to go once we’ve served five years. I heard of a guy that made it to three.

The men around me are dangerous. Serial killers, schizophrenic maniacs, guys with bad impulse control who are just wound too tight. I’m not crazy. When I killed, I was always calm and in control. I would never, ever let my emotions spill out and affect my work. It was just work to me. I never thought of work as something that was a large part of me. My father was the same; he was able to put his work — he was a doctor — in some kind of compartment in his head, and never let whatever happened there at the hospital impact his family. If it wasn’t for the medical books and charts and all that stuff, we wouldn’t have even known what he did for a living.

Like every other Juke here, I got a chip in my brain. Boss tells me where to go, what to do, how to do it. If I don’t know how to do something, Boss downloads it from a satellite and tells me. If I say I don’t want to do it, Boss encourages me to do it anyway by tapping directly into my nervous system and fingering my pain receptors. Boss can’t kill me, though — there’s a law against that. The Jellicoe Act. They can make you suction up chemical waste that will slough your skin right off, they can make you clean up a mine field, but they can’t kill you with the press of a button. Sometimes, though, guys just drop on the job, and given the stress, it’s probably natural. Still, you have to wonder.

The Jukes take care of themselves. Other than Boss’s voice in our heads, we don’t see anybody else, not even other teams of Jukes. There’s about fifty of us in a team, and we all live inside Big Mama. Big Mama is our home on wheels. She’s mostly automated, with a little help from Boss on high. Big Mama feeds us, bathes us, and puts us to sleep. She even jacks us off and relieves some of that tension. Big Mama also has a program that condenses a full night’s sleep into a couple hours, because Boss always has work for us. But other than that, a team’s on their own. They make their own rules, and they enforce them. There are always problems, but it usually works — your fellow Juke is your only chance of making the five.

And I’m going to make the five. When you do your five, you’re considered dead until you come back. I have to get back. My family’s there. I haven’t seen them or heard from them in almost two years. I have to show them I’m alive. I have to be there for them. I have to pay for these five years.

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Re: [4] Round 11.0004 [Terminal Connection] posted by kza

Wow. They’ve really tightened the rules on netiquette breaches.

Surely you’re familiar with the Southern California code of conduct: use-a-piece-of-polystyrene-foam-covered-with-fibreglass-and-float-on-a-wave-in-the-ocean or expire?

Same thing, bro.

If that piques your interest, then once again I offer human meat (with no synopsis).

Tom Noonan! Dude, that’s all you had to say.

Here’s an idea, cribbed from Q-Tip of A Tribe Called Quest:

Instead of doing so much, why don’t you do just a little?

Put another way: do you need all that exposition yer slangin’? How little can you get away with? The human mind — the audience’s mind — is built to find patterns and make connections. It’s always working, even when it seems like it isn’t, and it’s always looking for clues to make sense of the world — or your film. Why work so hard to lay out every character, every relationship, every moment of plot, when there are minds out there in the audience who will do that automatically? It’s like that NASA project to scan the universe for alien life — why try to crunch all those numbers (which’ll take forever) when you can have millions of people crunch some of the numbers with a screensaver?

An anecdote: My wife and I watched the Michael Mann thriller Collateral last year on DVD. Unbeknownst to either of us, we somehow started the film at chapter two (where we see Tom Cruise enter the office building), completely skipping what we would later discover was nearly 13 minutes of film. Were we confused by what was happening? That was the funny thing — not in the least. It was completely intelligible. And it was a pretty exciting beginning, to boot: the film started in media res, and before we knew what was going on, Tom Cruise was holding Jamie Foxx hostage. Going back over the beginning after it ended, we were surprised (and grateful) that we skipped having to hear Foxx explain his lifelong dream twice in a row.

Was it perfect? No — in fact, there was clearly a kind of emotional hole in the narrative, as we missed Foxx making a connection with Jada Pinkett Smith. But it was never in doubt that Foxx cared about Smith, and wanted to save her from Cruise. A little rewriting could have saved a lot of tedium.

How much can you cut from your script? How far can you pare it down before it’s unintelligible? Is it possible to go too far? (A: Yes. For all its austere glory, Primer could use just a smeench more exposition.) But again, remember: an audience does not go into a theater tabula rasa. They’re bringing their thoughts, memories, feelings… their entire life experience into that theater with them. Let them use that experience to fill in the spaces you’ve left intentionally blank.

And what, exactly, is the upside of this? If all this exposition is going to be cut out, what’s going to take its place?

Simple.

Anything and everything about the characters that has nothing to do with the story.

I’ll explain that… next time.

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Round 11, Part One [Terminal Connection v. Little Black Stray] posted by kza

Terminal Connection
In a world where telepathy is a disease, and known telepaths are imprisoned, all laws are built by consensus over the internet via double-blind anonymous computer terminals to guard against undue psychic influence. One politician is called to jury duty, also conducted over computer terminals, but doesn’t realize that the accused, whom she thinks should be dealt with harshly, is actually her husband. Nor does she realize that the crime of which he’s accused, but hasn’t committed yet, is murdering her. And what would she do if she knew that when she’s deliberating, her husband could read her mind and was plotting to kill her precisely because she’s about to send him back to the living hell of forced labor known as the Prison Planet?

Character Sketch: Mary Harwood
Relationship to Story: Protagonist

2020. It’s been seven years since the Kuleshov Event unleashed a virus that cursed a portion of the population with telepathy. At first, it was easy to tell who was infected — they were the ones who were screaming about the voices in their head, the ones who went schizophrenic, the ones who killed themselves. But there were a few who were able to control their ability and keep it hidden, and they used it to get ahead, in business and in government. When researchers, looking for a cure, developed a test to determine if someone was a Patho (as they were called), it was soon revealed that the upper echelons of the governing class were teeming with Pathos, and a witch-hunt cum revolution ensued. An agency known as the SAFE Initiative was created, and the Pathos were round up and taken away to a place that had no name, but was commonly called the Prison Planet.

Mary Harwood is the owner of a successful chain of diamond and jewelry stores, but political aspirations gnaw at her. She’s already served on a number of corporate boards, and hopes to be an appointee when her friend Ronald Ek wins the governorship in the fall. She is also cozy with the SAFE Initiative Director of her state, David Kensington — in fact, she’s sleeping with him. That relationship is already fraught with potential conflicts of interest, but to complicate matters further, both are married. Mary’s husband, Parsons, comes from old money and was instrumental in getting Mary’s businesses off the ground.

Mary grew up in the suburbs of Detroit, the second child of John and Ellen Katsoulas, married veterinarians. Although she loved animals, she also became unsentimental about them — she worked in her parents’ office and helped put many an animal to sleep. Her two siblings — older brother Mike and younger brother Alan — also worked in the office, although only Mike would follow even remotely in his parents’ footsteps. Mary intended on studying biology in college, but was put off by the unforgiving difficulty of the classes and gravitated towards business. When she graduated, she joined a classmate’s startup business as the marketing director.

Although that business was ultimately a failure, Mary moved on from job to job, slowly climbing the corporate ladder. Things came to a crashing halt, though, when she was arrested for aiding terrorists. This was a surprise to her — she considered herself patriotic, and moreso than most. It turned out that the checks she’d been writing to her brother for many years — out of familial obligation — were going to his nascent eco-activist group. The group, during a raid on a animal testing lab, accidentally killed a guard, and were prosecuted as terrorists. An investigation into the group’s finances ensnared Mary… and a young millionaire named Parsons Harwood.

Both Mary and Parsons were, thanks to a talented lawyer, cleared of all wrong-doing. It’s here that they met, and after a year of romance, they wed. Unfortunately, as Mary would later realize, she really married Parsons for his money and her potential for career advancement. That same year, the Kuleshov Event struck. The Harwoods were isolated from the chaos that ensued, although they personally knew several people who were affected. Parsons used his money to help in relief efforts… and quietly buy up the properties and businesses of those who were now unable to maintain them. Mary, feeling out of place in Parson’s world but asked by him to play the wealthy socialite, began to volunteer her time for the SAFE Initiative, where she first came into contact with David Kensington. She immediately fell for him, but she kept her feelings secret for the next six years, instead trying to convince herself that her marriage was working.

The world changed considerably since the Kuleshov Event and the Pathos Purge that followed a few years later. Although there are no more Pathos about, extreme paranoia is rampant in the nation. People are staying indoors more and more, doing as much as they can via computer. Trials are now done completely online on double-blind terminals, in order to avoid potential Patho tampering. One of the common reasons for murder now is “I thought he was reading my mind.” And the government is more secretive than ever.

And so the story starts with Mary Harwood, potential political appointee, finding out that her younger brother Alan has been working in gay porn under the name Al Hardwood, and, when she can at least afford it, has been summoned for jury duty on a conspiracy-to-murder case.

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Re: [3] Round 11.0004 [Terminal Connection] posted by Martin

Also: You provided a YouTube link entitled “human meat”. No way am I clicking on that. Synopsize or die.

Or die? Wow. They’ve really tightened the rules on netiquette breaches. In any case, let me instead provide you with a link to a page that has the same content in a format with no graphics and only words. Safe for everybody:

“Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?”

If that piques your interest, then once again I offer human meat (with no synopsis). However, I will offer my promise: It’s a no goatse zone. And, you’ll like it.

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Re: Round 11.0004 [Terminal Connection] posted by kza

Good answer. Yeah, that does help, I think. This is a tough one, though, and it’s kinda a shame that I’m the one to start it off — I think you have a better feel for it. I’m finding it hard to juggle the telepathy, the precognition, the future world that contains both of these things, the future world that produces this kind of trial system, and then plug in an interesting character, while keeping in mind the complicated plot.

With that in mind, however, I think I’m almost there.

Also: You provided a YouTube link entitled “human meat”. No way am I clicking on that. Synopsize or die.

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Re: Round 11.0003 [Terminal Connection] posted by Martin

Do some people in this world have the ability to predict the future? Or is this a semantics problem, and what you meant to say was that the husband is accused of conspiracy to murder?

Good question. I think I originally saw it as a Minority Report sort of situation. But, I don’t have a definitive vision (despite how strongly i seemed to feel about machines reading the future) What if it was a ghost in the machine that falsely accused the man? What if it was an anonymous tip after he was drunk in a bar—which then, I guess, would be the conspiracy to murder rap.

Or, what if the computers were big-brotherish in many ways with sensors in every home—to watch, of course, for telepaths who are acting badly. What if the computers used statistical analysis of behavior and samples of secreted human meat chemicals in the home to judge statistical probabilities for murder. If above 95%, it goes to a jury who look at the more human aspects of the case. Somehow, some records get crossed and the husband gets accused, and because the wires were crossed, the wife is added to the case. He is notified that he’s under investigation and placed under house arrest, but he manages to hide this from her. He gets more paranoid, and as the case goes on, he realizes that his wife is investigating him and his paranoia takes over. He does start to plot her murder.

This raises other issues, but is interesting enough to explore, maybe. Of course, as you said, you should alter as you see fit. Anything sparked by these?

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Round 11.0003 [Terminal Connection] posted by kza

Question for Burley:

In all versions of this story so far, the following phrase is used:

…that the crime of which he’s accused, but hasn’t committed yet, is murdering her.

However, going back through the archives, you also said this:

…and I especially don’t mean that computers can predict the future…

So, while knowing that I have the freedom to alter all this as I see fit, I’m still curious about your intention. Do some people in this world have the ability to predict the future? Or is this a semantics problem, and what you meant to say was that the husband is accused of conspiracy to murder?

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Round 11.0002 [Terminal Connection] posted by kza

Before we get started…

Terminal Connection
In a world where telepathy is a disease, and known telepaths are imprisoned, all laws are built by consensus over the internet via double-blind anonymous computer terminals to guard against undo psychic influence. One politician is called to jury duty, also conducted over computer terminals, but doesn’t realize that the accused, whom she thinks should be dealt with harshly, is actually her husband. Nor does she realize that the crime of which he’s accused, but hasn’t committed yet, is murdering her. And what would she do if she knew that when she’s deliberating, her husband could read her mind and was plotting to kill her precisely because she’s about to send him back to the living hell of forced labor known as the Prison Planet?

My name is Urban Shockah and I approve this story idea.

Burley, you said you had some ideas about this you wanted to go over? Cuz I’m ready to jump in with character bios.

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Round 11.0001 [Terminal Connection] posted by Martin

UPDATE: 5/10/06 — I had to change the title from a ridiculous number of zeros down to only a few too many zeros because the post title was breaking the blog layout. We’re always living on the edge for you, dear viewer.

To recap, for those of you who haven’t been paying attention: There were two stories called The Infected and If It Pleases the Court. For some reason we decided to blend the two stories into one, which Shockah smartly titled Terminal Connection. But, we realized we haven’t written a description of it yet. So, here’s mine. After Shockah does his, I’ll discuss a few ideas about this that I have, and see if we can’t whip it into shape for the true Round 11, not so far away.

But first, the stories we’re blending:

The Infected
In a world where telepathy is a disease and the infected are prisoners, one woman will discover a shocking truth that could change everything… but on a world where a mind can be read as easily as opening a book, how can any secret be safe?

If It Pleases The Court
In a World where crimes are judged and juried by encrypted, anonymous computer terminals, one jury foreman doesn’t realize that the man she’s arguing so strongly should be committed to the Prison Planet for life is actually her husband—and the crime he’s accused of—but hasn’t committed yet—is murdering her.

And now…

Terminal Connection
In a world where telepathy is a disease, and known telepaths are imprisoned, all laws are built by consensus over the internet via double-blind anonymous computer terminals to guard against undo psychic influence. One politician is called to jury duty, also conducted over computer terminals, but doesn’t realize that the accused, whom she thinks should be dealt with harshly, is actually her husband. Nor does she realize that the crime of which he’s accused, but hasn’t committed yet, is murdering her. And what would she do if she knew that when she’s deliberating, her husband could read her mind and was plotting to kill her precisely because she’s about to send him back to the living hell of forced labor known as the Prison Planet?

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Re[2]: Round 10.6 - Discussion [Rasputin the Translator v. Time to Die] posted by kza

…even though we had stories for The Infected & If It Pleases the Court, we’ve never had a log-line or pitch for Terminal Connection. Why don’t we both come up with one, and then I say we toss some ideas about it around before really starting the round. What do you think?

I was ready to just jump in with both feet, but we might avoid a Round Nine-style quagmire if we figured it out ahead of time. I have a concept in my head about what Terminal Connection is like (that I already know you won’t care much for), so next post, I’ll probably talk about that — but I’d better refresh my memory first. Telepathy? Double-blind juries? Cake? Something along those lines?

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re: Round 10.6 - Discussion [Rasputin the Translator v. Time to Die] posted by Martin

Heh heh heh… Here’s what I thought when I first read that bio: “Wow — Cemile! Of course! Obviously she’s the lynchpin of the entire story. I wonder what Burley’s got planned for her…”’

Damn, I should learn to keep my mouth shut. I’m much more mysterious and interesting in your mind than in reality.

Meaning I have to write a bio for Terminal Connection, an idea that currently has less story than Rasputin. Can I claim Conscientious Objector status?

You bring up a very good point, which is that even though we had stories for The Infected & If It Pleases the Court, we’ve never had a log-line or pitch for Terminal Connection. Why don’t we both come up with one, and then I say we toss some ideas about it around before really starting the round. What do you think?

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Round 10.6 - Discussion [Rasputin the Translator v. Time to Die] posted by kza

It is funny—I did have to look it up…but, I actually never imagined her as a character that might need a background, but now that you mention it, I think she would be a great character with a background. Hmmmm. I can see her playing an important role in the film…

Heh heh heh… Here’s what I thought when I first read that bio: “Wow — Cemile! Of course! Obviously she’s the lynchpin of the entire story. I wonder what Burley’s got planned for her…”

Rasputin the Translator: YES
Time to Die: YES

My vote is as follows:

Rasputin the Translator: YES
Time to Die: YES

Both stories move on. Congratulations, stories.

This Round Goes To Eleven is next. Little Black Stray and Terminal Connection. I’m doing the starting bios. Meaning I have to write a bio for Terminal Connection, an idea that currently has less story than Rasputin. Can I claim Conscientious Objector status?

Bios coming soon.

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Round 10.5 - Discussion [Rasputin the Translator v. Time to Die] posted by Martin

Ooops! I meant Cemile. Knew I shoulda looked that one up. Now, if you don’t know who that is… that’s gonna be funny.

It is funny—I did have to look it up…but, I actually never imagined her as a character that might need a background, but now that you mention it, I think she would be a great character with a background. Hmmmm. I can see her playing an important role in the film…

should we take a vote?

Hell yeah. I’m ready. My votes?

Rasputin the Translator: YES
Time to Die: YES

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Round 10.4 - Discussion [Rasputin the Translator v. Time to Die] posted by kza

Wait—who’s Cecile again?

Ooops! I meant Cemile. Knew I shoulda looked that one up. Now, if you don’t know who that is… that’s gonna be funny.

In retrospect, I should have chosen something less open to…shall we say, interpretation?

Oh, I knew you had a reason for it (and it’s a good reason, I think), but yeah, not sure how that would end up playing in Peoria, to coin a phrase.

Well, whaddya want to do now? We could keep talking about these stories, but since it’s not an either/or game anymore, and I think we know how we feel about them… should we take a vote?

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Round 10.3 - Discussion [Rasputin the Translator v. Time to Die] posted by Martin

1. We don’t really seem to know what the actual story is for Rasputin the Translator. Should that be a factor in whether it advances or not?

That’s a good question, but I say no. We both were excited about the character bios, and we’re both excited by the possibilities of it. Besides, this heat was never about defining the story as much as it was about exploring it obliquely through extraneous characterization. Our work, while maybe not clarifying anything about the story, has certainly not made me doubt it at all.

2. There are a still a couple of bios that I’d like to see: Rasputin’s Cecile, and Time to Die’s unnamed warden character. Should those be written now, during this discussion, or wait until the stories have (potentially) moved on, or what?

Another good point. I would say it’s in our hands — if the bios would be handy, I say we divide them up and each take one on. I don’t see it influencing the decision to move the stories forward, but it might help down the line. Wait—who’s Cecile again?

3. What are we looking for when we decide whether to move these stories on? Is it simply a gut thing, or can it be stated in a quantitative way?

Either. I think, like Steven Colbert, that the gut has more nerve endings than the brain. Or, at least, it’s sometimes right. If you have a feeling, vote it through. If it doesn’t have enough meat on the bones, I doubt it will become the #1 pick anyway.

4. Did we ever decide what Time to Die’s prison was like?

No, we didn’t — and I’d actually like to put this question off a bit until we do more brainstorming (or, dare I say it? Spitballing….) about this story. The reason is that I think the environment will play a really large part in the plot (both in a kind of “doomsday” device that you had in mind, and also in the set up that allows the prisoners to take over the prison). I want to make sure the choice is informed by some different options before I commit.

5. What exactly were your plans for September’s stripper and dominatrix pals, anyway?

Bastard. You had to bring up that again. Well, I was thinking tough, independent women who would be a bit wild and never conform to the expectations society had of them. I saw this as an influence on September, who in general is a more mainstream person. What influenced her life to make her completely disregard the authority figures who tell her that what she wants to do can’t be done? That’s the gist of it — and, I totally confess that I didn’t support those ideas at all, and that out of context it looked a little bit like drooling geek boy fandom. My angle was looking at the characteristics I wanted to fill, and then thinking of a profession to support them instead of the other way around. In retrospect, I should have chosen something less open to…shall we say, interpretation?

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Round 10 - Discussion [Rasputin the Translator v. Time to Die] posted by kza

Well, I guess we now open the floor to discussion about the two stories. As Burley already knows, I’m feeling a little bit under the weather (but hopefully not the Boogie Woogie Burley Flu), so my thoughts aren’t as coherent as I’d like them to be. So rather than pontificate in a woozy state, I’m just going to throw out some questions, and let Burley run with it where he may (which may or may not include answering the questions — he’s not like, under oath or anything).

1. We don’t really seem to know what the actual story is for Rasputin the Translator. Should that be a factor in whether it advances or not?

2. There are a still a couple of bios that I’d like to see: Rasputin’s Cecile, and Time to Die’s unnamed warden character. Should those be written now, during this discussion, or wait until the stories have (potentially) moved on, or what?

3. What are we looking for when we decide whether to move these stories on? Is it simply a gut thing, or can it be stated in a quantitative way?

4. Did we ever decide what Time to Die’s prison was like? Last time we talked about it, it seemed like we had different conceptions (I was thinking something more traditional, just on a different planet, but you seemed to be thinking about a more expansive, outdoorsy “prisoner reserve” kind of deal, if I’m not mistaken.) I got no preferences, I can go with the flow, but setting helps determine character, so it might be a good thing to figure out.

5. What exactly were your plans for September’s stripper and dominatrix pals, anyway?

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Re[4]: A Radical Idea posted by Martin

Assuming this is correct, I vote “yea” on this plan, with the caveat that I may want to Needlessly Complicate how the winner is generated in Step 3; but that idea’s for another post.

It is correct, and I gleefully await your next addition to Needless Complexity.

What’s a magic penny song?

Are you sure you were raised in California in the 70s? I couldn’t escape this song as a kid. The Magic Penny is a song by Malvina Reynolds, whom many of you may know for song Little Boxes, which is the opening tune to the TV show Weeds. It’s pure commie propaganda tainting our children with ideas of love and giving. We should be singing Let The Eagle Soar to our children. Who wants kids to love? We want them to be tough! Anyway, I digress.

The lyrics go:

Love is something if you give it away, give it away, give it away
Love is something if you give it away, you end up having more

It’s just like the magic penny
Hold it tight, and you haven’t got any
spend it lend it and you’ll have so many
they’ll roll all over the floor

As you can see, it’s basic buddhism. Do good, and karma will repay you. Or, appealing to the lowest common denominator—greed of money—to change the lowest common behavior—greed of love. Or maybe she’s advocating orgies and gambling—not quite sure. In any case, it’s a beloved sing-song youthful ditty. You can hear the woman herself singing it on iTunes.

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Re[3]: A Radical Idea posted by kza

Okay, I think we’ve got it figured out.

I think.

Man, this just underlines how good you have to be when writing the rules for board games and role-playing games, even really simple ones. It doesn’t take much to cause a misunderstanding.

So:

1. We will continue the Spitball! Tourney of Story Ideas through Heat #2, which consists of the following rounds:

Rasputin the Translator v. Time to Die

Little Black Stray v. Terminal Connection

La Commune Planet v. The Scabs

2. In each round, we will each present a character bio, and then we will discuss each story. We will then vote Y or N on each story. However, these stories are no longer pitted against each other; instead, what is being voted on is whether the story is worthy of being a Spitball!-approved story idea. Both stories have the possibility of advancing.

3. Once Heat #2 is finished, then we each order our favorites from #1 to #whatever, take an average, and the story with an average closest to 1.0 is the Winner; the other stories become Runners-Up, and may get the script treatment in the future.

4. If, during Heat #2, there is a split vote, then the person that voted Y may try and convince the person who voted N of the idea’s worthiness; if the N voter is convinced, then the list that was generated in Step 3 is re-generated.

Assuming this is correct, I vote “yea” on this plan, with the caveat that I may want to Needlessly Complicate how the winner is generated in Step 3; but that idea’s for another post.

Also, in a previous post, I wrote this:

One more thing: During the iChat, Burley and I were concerned about how this will play with one of the elements of our Mission Statement: that the scripts developed here are released into the public domain. Do we really want to commit our best ideas to that? (It was one thing when it was only one idea, one script; it feels different when it might be more like three or four.) It’s true that we feel like we can come up with ideas at the drop of a hat, and that it’s about execution and not ideas. Yet, a few of these ideas seem, to me at least, very commercial, and it’s not like we plan to make a living putting screenplays into the public domain (if we even knew how!); in fact, we’d like to, you know, get paid one of these days. I had the idea of voting to “Vault” certain ideas — meaning, removing them from the Spitball! Tourney of Story Ideas, but keeping them for ourselves for later development.

Here’s the new version:

One more thing: During the iChat, Burley and I were concerned about how this will play with one of the elements of our Mission Statement: that the scripts developed here are released into the public domain. Do we really want to commit our best ideas to that? (It was one thing when it was only one idea, one script; it feels different when it might be more like three or four.) It’s true that we feel like we can come up with ideas at the drop of a hat, and that it’s about execution and not ideas. Yet, a few of these ideas seem, to me at least, very commercial, and it’s not like we plan to make a living putting screenplays into the public domain (if we even knew how!); in fact, we’d like to, you know, get paid one of these days. I had the idea of voting to “Vault” certain ideas — meaning, removing them from the Spitball! Tourney of Story Ideas, but keeping them for ourselves for later development.

Short version: Fuck That Noise. Let the best ideas come forward and be worthy of the prize.

(Last night, I finished Getting Real, and something there made me change my mind. Of course, I can’t really remember what, now.)

And finally:

What’s a magic penny song?

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Re[2]: A Radical Idea posted by Martin

2. When ALL the bios are done, we THEN discuss the pros and cons of each story. But: we are no longer pitting them head-to-head anymore, but simply looking at each one individually and deciding if they are worthy of being turned into a screenplay.

I was thinking more that we still take the heats step by step, so present two stories, do a bio, talk about them, and then vote and move on to the next round. Only, when we would normally (“Normally.” As if we did this all the time—yeah, on the last screenplay blog we did it this way….) go on to the next heat, this time we vote.

6. So, an idea that got Shelved can be resurrected by the Yes Voter, and put into the Ranked Winners category if the No Voter acquiesces. I understand that, but I’m not sure if I know where exactly this step occurs. (After the Ranked Winners are determined? Before?)

I say any time. If, for instance, I voted no on Rasputin (fat chance), and you voted yes, then at anytime in the future you could expand on your vision of Rasputin and I could reevaluate whether I would vote differently. If I would, Rasputin is in the running. My first inclination was to put it in the bottom of the list, but if you came up with a stellar idea, we might want to bump it—so we would have a revote over the items in the list and see where it shook out.

I had the idea of voting to “Vault” certain ideas — meaning, removing them from the Spitball! Tourney of Story Ideas, but keeping them for ourselves for later development.

I like that idea, but I’m still not sold on it. That is to say, I think some of these ideas could be very commercial, but I also think if we went through the same process that we did to come up with these ideas based around a topic different than Prison Planet we could come up with another batch of ideas that we liked as much, if not more. And, to boot, they would be more contemporary to wherever we are when we do it. It will come as no surprise to our readers that Shockah and I have scripts we’re working on outside of Spitball! that won’t get talked about much here because they are decidedly not in the public domain. But, since we started this with the idea of putting these out there, I vote that we release all ideas on this blog, and all work on this blog and keep that the rule. So, no hoarding commercial ideas, I say. Anybody can use them. My feeling is that we’ll get back more from releasing them than we would if we hoarded them, but then, my parents used to sing me the magic penny song, so apply salt where needed.

That may also influence voting, then—if we knew we couldn’t keep some ideas, then we may want to push an idea higher because we feel it has commercial potential, and in one sense commercial potential = well written and considered script.

Of course, the outlines aren’t what matters, the writing is. That’s where the rubber meets the road, and we’re going to really succeed or fail.

How do you feel about that Shock-a-dock-a-dockah?

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Re: A Radical Idea posted by kza

Note: Some discussion of this post took place on iChat. I believe most of the points and issues will be restated here; if not, I’m sure Burley can help me out.

First, I’m glad you liked the last bio. I thought that what you wrote about Jones in the Jake bio gave us a good enough idea of Jones’ physical circumstances, that focusing entirely on what I call his “interiority” seemed like a better tactic. I didn’t expect the whole thing to be his dream though; that just kinda happened.

Next: As I told Burley in an email, this was The Right Post at the Right Time. I, too, felt very strongly about both story ideas, and wouldn’t know which one to vote for. Well, I’d probably go with Time to Die, since I’m kinda conservative and always choose the one that seems “further along”, whatever that might mean at the time. But the idea of losing Rasputin, especially when it seemed like it was on the right track, was pretty disheartening. So: what to do?

(Oh, wait. One more aside. This:)

Brought to you by: Shower—a contained, temperature controlled indoor rain, promoting clarity of thought, cleanliness of body, and consumption of odiferous creams, jellies, soaps and scrubs. Shower—it’s repetitive beating on your head will stimulate deep thought. Shower—have one every morning.

(… is so fucking true it aint even funny. Except that it was. Great job!)

Anyway… What to do? I’m going to go through Burley’s last post step by step, and pretend to be a little slower than I really am, since this is a pretty important decision regarding this blog and our communication should be crystal clear.

Even though it’s taken us four months to get to this point, at some future date we’re going to start writing, and then at some future date months or years away we’ll have a screenplay written that we have blessed as our as-good-as-we-can-make-it version (or, knowing us, as-good-as-we-can-make-it-until-we-undertake-a-massive-rewrite-and-totally-complicate-the-plot), what then? Does this blog just sit fallow?

So we’re talking, “What is Spitball! about once the experiment is over and we’ve written our script via blog”. It’s a good question — and I’ll admit I’ve been concentrating more on the trees lately than the forest.

Here’s what I propose: we move through all the heats in the in the current round, doing our bios. We discuss as much as we want the pros and cons of each story as if we were going to vote on them, but then we vote on whether or not each idea is really a viable idea for a script. If we both vote no, off it goes, if we vote yes that idea moves forward. If we vote yes on both, then they both move forward, and we move on to the next round. If one votes yes, and the other votes no, the idea is shelved for later. When we are through with all of the heats, we list all the ideas that made it through, and each of us orders, from one to whatever, our favorite ideas.

We take those numbers, and average our scores, which will give us a list or ranked ideas that we both liked and feel can be made into a doable script—and a string of scripts to write, should we actually get that far. Now, here’s the rub—since an idea might end up on top that we both are a little unhappy about, it would be silly to force us to write it. So, we always have the option of voting again until we get the order that we both want.

So, to recap, to the best of my understanding (them’s some nice Needlessly Complex Rules, btw):

1. We do bios, one apiece for each story, for a total of 2 bios for each story and a total of four overall, for:

    a. Little Black Stray and Terminal Connection
    b. La Commune Planet and The Scabs

2. When ALL the bios are done, we THEN discuss the pros and cons of each story. But: we are no longer pitting them head-to-head anymore, but simply looking at each one individually and deciding if they are worthy of being turned into a screenplay.

3. Each story is voted upon. If “No”, then that story is relegated to the dustbin of Spitball! history. If “Yes”, then that story moves onto the next and final round. If there’s a split vote, that story is “Shelved”, which means it isn’t “in play”, but has the potential to come back into play. (More on that in a moment.)

4. Final Round: We take the winners and rank them favorite (#1) to least favorite (#whatever).

5. Each story gets an average based on our ratings and are then ranked again (The “Ranked Winners”.) This new ranking gives us the winner (the story with the average closest to 1.0) and a list of runner-ups for use once the initial winner gets a script written about it. If this final list is unsatisfactory, however, we may revote on it until we get one we like.

5a. This last rule is a good one; in my experience, “winner based on average” more often than not gives a winner that’s least objectionable, but often has the last amount of passion attached to it.

Also, if any shelved ideas are gnawing at us, the party that voted yes on it can try to expand on the idea to sell the other on his vision of it. Of course, this continues our fine tradition of needlessly complex™ rules, and will eliminate the dread I feel when it comes to not working on some of these ideas.

6. So, an idea that got Shelved can be resurrected by the Yes Voter, and put into the Ranked Winners category if the No Voter acquiesces. I understand that, but I’m not sure if I know where exactly this step occurs. (After the Ranked Winners are determined? Before?)

How’d I do? Correct me where necessary.

One more thing: During the iChat, Burley and I were concerned about how this will play with one of the elements of our Mission Statement: that the scripts developed here are released into the public domain. Do we really want to commit our best ideas to that? (It was one thing when it was only one idea, one script; it feels different when it might be more like three or four.) It’s true that we feel like we can come up with ideas at the drop of a hat, and that it’s about execution and not ideas. Yet, a few of these ideas seem, to me at least, very commercial, and it’s not like we plan to make a living putting screenplays into the public domain (if we even knew how!); in fact, we’d like to, you know, get paid one of these days. I had the idea of voting to “Vault” certain ideas — meaning, removing them from the Spitball! Tourney of Story Ideas, but keeping them for ourselves for later development.

But that’s about as far as we got, since we knew we’d have to hash this out on the blog. And now that I’ve made some hash, I’m slinging it Burley’s way. What say you, Grymz?

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A Radical Idea posted by Martin

Brought to you by: Shower—a contained, temperature controlled indoor rain, promoting clarity of thought, cleanliness of body, and consumption of odiferous creams, jellies, soaps and scrubs. Shower—its repetitive beating on your head will stimulate deep thought. Shower—have one every morning.

I was thinking about these two ideas and how to move forward. First of all, though, I have to say that I totally dug your last post. Dreams are usually a bit boring to read, but you had great tension, suspension, and now I want to know more about the man who will become president. Really engaging and inspiring work, Mr. Shockah.

So—we have two character bios for each story, and I’m no closer to picking one. At first I thought that I would just call for a vote, and force myself to decide, but as I pitted these against each other, I just couldn’t. I want them both to win for very different reasons. And maybe they both can.

Even though it’s taken us four months to get to this point, at some future date we’re going to start writing, and then at some future date months or years away we’ll have a screenplay written that we have blessed as our as-good-as-we-can-make-it version (or, knowing us, as-good-as-we-can-make-it-until-we-undertake-a-massive-rewrite-and-totally-complicate-the-plot), what then? Does this blog just sit fallow?

I can’t predict what will happen here in the future, but assuming everything goes well, what if we had a string of scripts to work on?

Here’s what I propose: we move through all the heats in the in the current round, doing our bios. We discuss as much as we want the pros and cons of each story as if we were going to vote on them, but then we vote on whether or not each idea is really a viable idea for a script. If we both vote no, off it goes, if we vote yes that idea moves forward. If we vote yes on both, then they both move forward, and we move on to the next round. If one votes yes, and the other votes no, the idea is shelved for later. When we are through with all of the heats, we list all the ideas that made it through, and each of us orders, from one to whatever, our favorite ideas.

We take those numbers, and average our scores, which will give us a list or ranked ideas that we both liked and feel can be made into a doable script—and a string of scripts to write, should we actually get that far. Now, here’s the rub—since an idea might end up on top that we both are a little unhappy about, it would be silly to force us to write it. So, we always have the option of voting again until we get the order that we both want.

Also, if any shelved ideas are gnawing at us, the party that voted yes on it can try to expand on the idea to sell the other on his vision of it. Of course, this continues our fine tradition of needlessly complex™ rules, and will eliminate the dread I feel when it comes to not working on some of these ideas.

What do you think? Silly, or maybe something workable?

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Round 10.2, Part Two [Rasputin the Translator v. Time to Die] posted by kza

And now, Part Two…

Rasputin the Translator
In a World contacted by a sentient and potentially violent alien race, one man—bearded and wild eyed—is the only person on earth who can translate between the languages of humans and the language of the aliens. But this strange man is not only hostile to both sides of the debate, he is also untrustworthy, and possibly manipulating the negotiations to his own ends. With all of Earth being turned into a prison as the stakes, one government has a very limited time to not only unravel the mysteries of the alien language, but also the history of the interpreter.

Character Sketch: Jones Alan Porter
Relationship to Story: Supporting

Jones Alan Porter had a dream. Not a political dream of freedom and enlightenment, mind you; that would come later. No, Jones had an actual in-bed dream once, while he was in high school. This was strange, because he never usually remembered his dreams, and if he didn’t remember them, then it was as if they never happened. But this one night, Jones, after winning a track meet earlier that day, dreamt that he was late for school. He ran to get there before the first bell rang, but to his mild surprise (since, in dreams, things that are truly weird never register as such), he was in a large grassy park that he’d never seen before. Despite having never seen this place before, he nonetheless knew that just over the stone bridge just before him was the school, and he rushed to get over it.

But just as he was about to, he heard a voice call his name from underneath the bridge. Jones stopped. Despite the fact that the school bell would certainly ring at any minute, making him late and giving him a black mark on his record that he felt he could ill afford (because in dreams, the smallest concerns are always crises of unimaginable consequence), Jones peered over the edge. The bridge crossed over another path, a trail through the park like the one he was currently on. The voice called out his name again, more urgent this time, and Jones slid down the steep green incline next to the bridge and landed on the path. (Years later, Jones realized that this bridge appeared in a violent video game he played during this time. He was always afraid that his fondness for this game would reach the media and severely impact, if not outright destroy, his career. This never came to pass.) As Jones stepped closer to the dark underpass (which was much darker than it should have reasonably been), he saw a figure standing next to the wall. The next morning, when Jones tried to remember what the figure looked like, it always appeared in his head as the image of a man in a trenchcoat with a gaping void where a face should be. He knew, however, that this was the simply the best that his waking, conscious mind could create — the real thing, whatever that might be, was visible only under the shroud of sleep.

Amazingly, the tardy bell still hadn’t rung, but he knew it would soon, and he felt that if he could just deal with this stranger quickly, he would still have time to make it. Why did he call Jones’ name? What did he want? But as Jones stepped forward, the man in the trenchcoat retreated from him, step for step, forcing Jones to step further into the tunnel. Once he was completely under the bridge, the man stopped his retreat, and Jones (just barely aware that the underside of the bridge was much larger than the top) called out to the man. You wanted to see me? he said, feeling in control, like during his track meets. The man said, I need you to stop this. Stop what? asked Jones. The man opened his trenchcoat and pointed to his pocket, a odd shaped bulge hanging off his hip. I need you to stop this, the man repeated. It seemed like a reasonable request to Jones, and it seemed like the most natural thing to do was to reach into the man’s pocket and remove whatever it was that was distressing him so much. Jones slipped his hand into the man’s pocket. He came back out with a small box, like for a ring or a piece of jewelry. The man said again, and for the last time: I need you to stop this. Jones looked at the man, then down at the box. With two fingers on the bottom and two on the lid, he started to pry the box open, the hinges of the box providing tight resistance. But then the lid sprung open, and Jones’ ears were nearly deafened by the shrill ringing bell that emerged from the empty box.

Jones awoke with a start, adrenaline in his veins and a hollowness in his chest. To his dismay, he realized that he urinated in his sleep, soaking his underwear and his sheets. While this was a problem for a very short time when he was six, it had never reoccurred since then, until this night. Stuffing his wadded up sheets into the hamper, Jones then got into the shower. As the hot water poured down his face, he reflected back on the nightmare (for it was a nightmare to him) and worked out what scared him so much. It wasn’t the shock of the bell, or the strange man with a black void for a face, or even reaching into the man’s pocket, as confused and ashamed as he later felt about it. It was simply how willing he was to step off the path and go under that dark bridge, simply at the call of his name.

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More Meta Commentary posted by kza

Shockah? Did I forget something?

Don’t think so. I told you about the crazy opening scene of Sam Fuller’s The Naked Kiss and how I saw that in connection with the potential opening of Time to Die, with the brutal violence that starts without any context, but other than that, I think that was it.

One thing we did talk about that you didn’t mention (probably because I haven’t written my bio for it yet) is the stuff we discussed about Rasputin the Translator. Way back when, I mentioned how I didn’t want the Rasputin character to be an out-and-out Bad Guy, in the same way that I don’t want either Okkervil or the warden to be Bad Guys. But now that we’ve started on characters, we’ve hit upon an odd and interesting way of defining Rasputin: by who he isn’t. He’s not Jake, he’s not Jones, he’s not Cemile, he’s not any of the other characters. He’s defined by the negative space created by these characters. I even proposed that we not know (and thus, not define) anything about Rasputin except for what he wants, the major definition of a character in a mainstream screenplay. And because of this idea, I came around 180 on my position: I think it’s okay, perhaps even mandatory, that Rasputin be a capital “B” Bad Guy.

(Oh, and you had an idea where each character sees Rasputin differently, and thus his personality and even looks seem to change depend on who he’s talking to, which is a cool crazy-ass idea. Assuming I presented it correctly.)

This is interesting commenting on a different character and thinking about how they might dovetail with the character I did the bio for in the movie—this feels so much smoother than working on the same character and having to deal with the things that don’t fit in with your vision of the character. We’ll play it by ear, but I might just pick other characters than you do in the next round.

Good idea — I say we continue with this mode until we come to a situation where it doesn’t seem to work. It’s interesting: part of me says that we’re bound to come to a story where we severely disagree about the presentation of a character… but part of me says that the disagreement will be more about the kind of a story that character represents (like what happened in Round Nine) and not about the character per se. But, you know, keep writin’ them like you did for Round Ten and that’ll never happen.

So, what’s Round Eleven again?

(checks)

Little Black Stray v. Terminal Connection

Oh fuck me.

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Round 10.2.5, Part One [Rasputin the Translator v. Time to Die] posted by Martin

Great post—I’m totally digging your breakdown—it shows that this guy won’t be a pure terror/evil type. He has some method to his madness, and the base of a loving relationship as a child. The self-righteous grandparents are great too. And Florida flooding, I laughed out loud. Sorry Florida—don’t take it personally—I don’t really want to see you drown. I mean, damn Florida, I love you. Don’t be like that.

I think the vision of neon is great—and that story about the street kids is amazing. It’s amazing how fast the adult fantasies of idealized childhood go out the the window, and we see kids become a microcosm of the paranoid adult world we build and shape around us.

This is interesting commenting on a different character and thinking about how they might dovetail with the character I did the bio for in the movie—this feels so much smoother than working on the same character and having to deal with the things that don’t fit in with your vision of the character. We’ll play it by ear, but I might just pick other characters than you do in the next round.

Also—to our readers, a bit of a confession. Shockah and I met for coffee yesterday (in the awesome Cafe Fiore on top of Queen Anne Hill), and amongst the talk of Project Rockstar the game, the state of software in general, and a few upcoming things for this here blog, we discussed a few plot points on this story. I assure you, it wasn’t conspiratorial—we didn’t mean to keep them off the blog, it was just our unbridled excitement over what’s to come.

Exciting it is, but since we said we’d have everything up here, I present you the bullet points:
1. We talked about how the villain in this case is motivated by necessity of survival, and doesn’t necessarily see himself as a bad guy. He’ll be sympathetic to the heroine, and want to help her, but can’t. Either way, they have an alliance of sorts.
2. There will be a warden character who symbolizes the bureaucracy, and will ultimately be foiled.
3. Shockah asked how I saw it ending. Since we’re not telling the story here, but writing it, here’s my spoilers: I see the ending being Okkervil sacrificing himself so that the guard can live. He’ll end his arc by coming to terms with the fact that it was his choice all along to do evil, despite the fact that he felt it necessary. The killed guard will come back to life, but we’ll never meet him. We’ll know nothing of his story. We talked about the opening of the movie being the guard running and being killed, and the ending being his opening his eyes to see his wife.

Shockah? Did I forget something?

Oh—here’s something I didn’t forget: you still owe me an essay, and someday before too long, I’m gonna come a ringing to collect. When you least expect it. Bam!

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Round 10.2, Part One [Rasputin the Translator v. Time to Die] posted by kza

Hey folks,

Sorry for the turtle-esque crawl that this round is starting to resemble. My excuses are a) spending the last few days with a friend before she flies back to the U.K., and b) discovering, on Saturday morning, that our car up and fucking died. Just would not start.

We went to a dealership and got a new one (and I literally mean new, which was pretty weird in itself — we’re not “new car” people.) and got a great deal on it, too. (It’s a “Regal Blue Pearl” 2006 Subaru Forester, for those that care.)

So that’s been occupying my time and mind these past few days, and the David Lee Roth-style air splits that I expected this round to metaphorically approximate hasn’t come to pass. In fact, I still feel a bit distracted, but Spitball! shall not be denied. As a compromise, I’m going to post one of the character bios today, and the other bio probably tomorrow sometime.

Oh, yeah, the bios. As I hinted earlier, this round is going to be a little different than previous rounds. I was so happy with Burley’s character bios for the Round Ten, that writing two completely different ones, while potentially educational, seemed like a complete waste of time. I discussed this with Burley over iChat, and decided that I could instead write two bios of supporting characters (since we’re gonna need to know about them as well).

Time to Die
In a World where death itself is beaten by genetic regeneration, a guard is killed during a riot on the prison planet. One woman—his wife—faces sure death to retrieve his body in time to bring him back to life. It’s a race against time, with one nearly resourceless woman willfully fighting like a juggernaut against the prisoners who are holding his body hostage, and the powers that be that think she should just give up. All to simply save the man she loves from eternal death.

Character Sketch: James Crowley Okkervil
Relationship to Story: Antagonist

James C. Okkervil was born into an upper middle-class home in upstate New York, the son of an aerospace worker who, when James was less than a year old, changed his life radically when he divorced his wife and married his male co-worker. James lived with his dad and new partner rather uneventfully, going to an expensive private schoool, getting good grades, and visiting his mom weekly, until her untimely death in a traffic accident. But then, when he was nine years old, he watched as both his male parents quickly succumbed to cancer. (James would learn, much later in life, that his parents were exposed to chemicals and heavy metals during their time there.) His grandmother, whom he’d never met, flew in to take him back to Florida. She told little Jim that they died because they were wicked people, and were punished for their sinful lifestyle. Jim didn’t know what this meant at the time; all he knew was that his parents were loving people, and treated him well. But their names were never to be mentioned in his new home. Instead, he had to quickly adapt to his new family – his grandmother, cold and avaricious, his grandfather, humorless and prone to violence towards Jim, and his new brothers and sisters, adopted children with severe disabilities. This was hard for Jim – being the only “normal” kid, forced to take care of his incontinent siblings, and constantly avoiding the wrath of Grandma and Grandpa.

However, one of these children was Roscoe. Roscoe had muscular dystrophy, and was confined to a wheelchair. Despite (or perhaps because of) being bound to a wheelchair, Roscoe had quite a mouth on him, which got him into all sorts of trouble – although never with Grandma and Grandpa, who were always indulgent with their “gifts of love”, as they called their adoptees. They became friends — Jim took an immediate liking to Roscoe, with his penchant for insults, and Roscoe liked how Jim wasn’t afraid to dish it back to him. They also protected one another – Roscoe from those who would pick on him (or those angered by his incessant abuse), Jim from the worst excesses of his grandparents.

When the floods came and Florida became a small island, Jim and Roscoe, now fourteen, used the ensuing panic and confusion to separate from the rest of the family and make their way up north towards New York, with a vague plan to become musicians – this despite neither of them having ever touched an instrument in their lives. The journey was difficult, but they eventually made it, although they were now penniless and homeless.

On the brink of starvation, Jim and Roscoe met a kid, nicknamed Sticks, who, despite being about ten years old, had the demeanor, the world-weariness of someone four times that age. Sticks rescued them and took them back to a hidden shelter in the Bronx. There, Jim and Roscoe met The Neon, a loose confederation of homeless and orphaned children that provided shelter and support to each other. Although The Neon were bound together by their physical circumstances, they were bound together another way as well. Over the years of surviving on the streets and witnessing terrible violence, the Neon developed a bizarre cosmology that explained their lives in terms of a war between outnumbered angels and overwhelming demons, with no help from an absent, cowardly god.

At first, Jim, older than most of the Neon, didn’t believe these stories, and merely did his part to help this community to survive. Then, about a year after coming back to New York, his Grandma and Grandpa tracked him and Roscoe down, intending to bring them back home. Although old, Grandma and Grandpa were still strong and quite capable of using force to bring Jim back. And while The Neon that were present outnumbered the grandparents, they found the pair terrifying, and thought them to be demons. Faced with going back to live with these tyrannical guardians, Jim took the first step on a path that would define the rest of his life: he would kill in order to survive. He stabbed Grandma and Grandpa to death, and with the help of the Neon, disposed of their bodies. Up until that point, Jim was something of an outsider within the Neon; now, he was a warrior and a demon killer. At the same time, this marked the falling-out between him and Roscoe, who, after a year on the streets, was ready to go back.

This event would set the stage for the next five years of his life, as Jim would now be known as simply Okkervil. Due to the worsening economy, the ranks of the Neon swelled, and Okkervil organized them into something more like a gang. And as the Neon came to rely on Okkervil more and more for leadership and protection, Okkervil responded by using the Neon’s mythology as a pretext for branching out into petty crime — after all, it’s not wrong to rob a demon. During this time, Okkervil would find himself in situations that forced him (in his view) to kill to protect his charges – people who would expose the Neon’s operations, people who would take away the kids from him, people who challenge him. That last one would be his downfall, and his ultimate heartbreak: He discovered that Roscoe was going to turn him in, and Okkervil, by now used to doing whatever necessary to survive but long past the point of having to do it personally, had him killed by the Neon.

Unfortunately for Okkervil, Roscoe secretly kept evidence of the Neon’s crimes, and they came to light. The gang was dismantled, and Okkervil was tried and sentenced to spend the rest of his years at the Wellington Planetary Correctional Facility. He’s spent two years in the Well so far, and already is feared and respected by the other inmates. He’s also quietly spreading the Neon Cosmology amongst the prisoners, and attempting to unite disparate factions under his own leadership. Everything was going to plan – until the guards got a little too rough with Jackie J, and the prison exploded.

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Round 10 [Rasputin the Translator v. Time to Die] posted by Martin

Rasputin the Translator (Shockah rank: #1, Burley rank: #13)

v.

Time to Die (Shockah rank: #6, Burley rank: #10)

Don’t mess with Texas. Unless—you know—you really wanna.

Rasputin the Translator
In a World contacted by a sentient and potentially violent alien race, one man—bearded and wild eyed—is the only person on earth who can translate between the languages of humans and the language of the aliens. But this strange man is not only hostile to both sides of the debate, he is also untrustworthy, and possibly manipulating the negotiations to his own ends. With all of Earth being turned into a prison as the stakes, one government has a very limited time to not only unravel the mysteries of the alien language, but also the history of the interpreter.

Character Sketch: Jacob Anatoli
Relationship to Story: Protagonist

I was going to draw this sketch of our Rasputin himself, but I decided that he should remain shrouded in mystery. I know that eventually, as a writer, I’ll need to know him better, but I’m delaying that day as long as possible. Part of the appeal, in my mind, is that he’s really an unknown quantity for much of the film. Instead, I focus on who I see as the protagonist—the President of the US Domestic Policy Advisor, who takes a front row during the alien crises and becomes the primary negotiator with the Rasputin character.

Jake never thought he’d work in the White House. He was raised in Colorado, where his father was the mayor of his small town, and Jake always helped out with his campaigns. Jake was always a bit of a loner, and as soon as he was old enough, he’d take himself into the wilderness to go camping. He explored the Southwest, sometimes with buddies, sometimes on his own, learning the land well.

When he was 16, Jake had a friend that everybody called Rapid. They would camp a lot together, and Rapid would always bring along some weed or speed. Jake didn’t like getting high and always refused, but Rapid would indulge every time. Rapid came from a pretty troubled home, but Jake really didn’t like being around him when he was high all the time and started extricating himself from the friendship. Rapid killed his father and then himself on his 17th birthday, and it came out that he had been molested his entire life. Jake realized that Rapid had tried to tell him a few times, but Jake had never really listened correctly, and so carried some guilt over the event.

He excelled at his studies, and was accepted into Yale, where he graduated summa cum laude and as a member of Phi Beta Kappa with a degree in American History. He won a Rhodes Scholarship, and so studied at Oxford and then returned to the states to take a PhD in Arabic studies at Harvard. While there, he met and fell in love with a Turkish born woman named Cemile, who was finishing her PhD in the women’s studies department focusing on women’s issues in the muslim world.

While at Oxford he befriended another American, Jones Alan Porter, a charismatic and somewhat wild young guy. He played rugby and could drink Jacob under the table, but Jake was drawn to Jones’ earnest persistence in the capability of people to change their own worlds. He was especially keen on learning all of the things that Jake knew—but took for granted—about electoral politics after helping his father get elected for so many years.

While Jake was at Harvard, Jones studied law, and within 10 years of graduating was governor of Connecticut. He reached out to Jake, and Jake came to work for the governor as an advisor. This was during the great economic expansion that took the east coast by storm. Riding a wave of popularity, Jones Porter was elected president, and appointed Jake as his domestic policy advisor.

Jake was, generally, a centrist. He believed in fiscal conservatism, but had a core belief that government should aid and assist people—should level the field so that any person could have the opportunities that he and Jones had. His domestic policy was driven on this, streamlining agencies so that they were forced to be responsible for themselves and as lean as possible, while still providing services to the countries population. He also drove a strict environmental policy, based on the assumption that it was the fiscally responsible thing to maintain the land for all Americans.

Jake was not, by any stretch, a showboat—and part of his job was watching the president take and receive all credit for everything that Jake did, but on the other hand, Jake was able to walk freely around Washington DC without security, and lived a fairly normal life with Cemile, who was working for a think tank. They had three kids—a girl, and then twins, one of each. It’s not every family that has pictures of their children with the president and first lady.

He had just gotten to work, and hadn’t even taken off his overcoat the morning the alien transmission came in. The situation room was alive with energy, and as the nearest thing to a linguist, Jake was given the task of trying to decipher just what it was these aliens wanted, and where they came from….

Time to Die
In a World where death itself is beaten by genetic regeneration, a guard is killed during a riot on the prison planet. One woman—his wife—faces sure death to retrieve his body in time to bring him back to life. It’s a race against time, with one nearly resourcesless woman willfully fighting like a juggernaut against the prisoners who are holding his body hostage, and the powers that be that think she should just give up. All to simply save the man she loves from eternal death.

Character Sketch: September Rose St. Germain
Relationship to Story: Protagonist

She was named so that she’d never forget the terrorist attacks on New York. Her grandfather was a fire fighter who had died, and throughout her very large and close-knit family, honoring him was a part and parcel of the culture. She was raised in New Jersey in a suburban development that was overrun with members of her family, who all kept houses near each other. She had nearly total freedom to wander the neighborhood as a child—somebody was always looking out for her.

September was never an excellent student, but she got by. She was socially very easy going, and never seemed to care much about fitting in, but that could be because fitting in was effortless for her. While she wasn’t part of the “popular crowd” per se, she had a certain charismatic gravity that pulled people to her. Within no time, she had her own small social group.

Her teenage years were pretty uneventful, save for a mugging. She had snuck into the city to go clubbing with some friends from school and had been jumped by some thugs who stole her mobile iCompuPhonePod and smashed her into the side of a building when she deigned to raise a fuss. She broke her cheek on the bricks and spent a few painful months trying not to smile, but eventually healed up. That’s when she started taking martial arts, first as a confidence builder, and then continuing it as a good form of exercise.

She went to college at NYU studying marketing and management. Out of college her first job was PR for a aerospace firm called Tangenilent, working on campaigns selling some of the first personal spacecraft available on the market. She lived in New York in a tiny apartment with two other women she knew from High School, one who worked as a dominatrix at a freelance dungeon, the other a stripper who worked in a private corporate club. They used shoji screens to divide the main room into three small sleeping nooks, and had understandings about bringing men home. They spent a lot of time together out on the town.

One night at a bar she met the man who would become her on-again off-again boyfriend, and eventually her husband. He was finishing a degree in law enforcement, but after graduating got rejected for his desired job in the New York Police Department due to a heart murmur. He was able to find a job with new off-land security agencies that secured the contract for the brand new prison planet. He worked six months on, six months off and sent home large amounts of money for his trouble.

September hated the emotional up-and-downs of the schedule at first, but after a few years of being together, it actually grew on her and she found herself relishing both the time she was alone, and when he was around to keep her company. With his help, she could afford a large one-bedroom apartment in a nice area. She stayed with Tangenilent, working her way up to director of marketing and having quite a bit of a say in her work schedule so long as she was meeting or exceeding expectations. The craft were selling extremely well, thanks in no small part to September having created a buzz about them that made them cool and desirable before they even launched. When she wasn’t on, she competed in martial arts competitions for fun, honing her competitive sense and keeping her body strong.

Her boyfriend proposed to her, and they were married on the moon, her company loaning her one of its crafts for a honeymoon drifting in space—the latest craze people were calling tin-can camping. You would get everything you need, set a course for nowhere and spend times sleeping under a glass bubble that showed you the stars, planets and suns. The craft could be programmed to randomly pop into exciting areas of the galaxy on auto pilot, and still safely return you to Earth to the docking station before your oxygen or fuel ran out. Then, you could take the space elevator back to Earth, and after spending a few days in the underwater hotel readjusting to the atmosphere, you could fly home.

They settled back into their routine until the morning that September got the call that her husband had been killed during a prisoner uprising. And there, as they say, our story begins….

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Re:[6] Round 9: A big stick posted by Martin

It might end up being an excuse to indulge in some Grade A nonsense.

Hey—that’s a great idea. I’m totally on board with that. It shall be treated like any other story, but it’s our chance to really go outside.

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Re:[5] Round 9: A big stick posted by kza

Just FYI: I found your “consolidation synopsis” hilarious, and I do plan on treating The Atmospherist seriously as a contestant. It might end up being an excuse to indulge in some Grade A nonsense (something I haven’t allowed myself to do in a long while), but, yes, I plan to put it through its paces, just like any other story idea.

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Re:[4] Round 9: A big stick posted by Martin

The Atmospherist it is, as proxy. If you’d like to take a stab at combining them, I’d be open to it—maybe a different tack would help.

This round has raised interesting issues—one of which I’ll voice here, although I will preface it by saying that I’m not suggesting we change anything—I think we should slog through the heat. But, I’m thinking this: the true issue is not one story vs. another, but a story vs. itself. Or, two views of one story that need to be reconciled.

So, when we have rounds between two stories going more in depth, it seems that we ended up butting heads on a few issues, any one of which could have been dealt with individually and not in relation to the story it’s up against. The later rounds felt like we were arguing on multiple fronts, so the relationship between the two stories is kind of superfluous, save for their ability to skinny down the list. Maybe, as I’ve suggested, this point will be moot when we get into more interesting material, but I think this might be a point worth considering if we get bogged down much more. Focusing on one story at a time might help that.

But, we’ve got some great ideas coming up. Round 10 coming up soon.

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Re:[3] Round 9: A big stick posted by kza

But, if I had to vote for one of the two, I would say that I, Burley Grymz, vote for The Atheist.

Naturally — I’d vote for Atmosphere.

The Atmospherist it is, unless you have another idea.

(I was thinking earlier, “Too bad we can’t combine them”. But of course, you can combine anything. It might not be pretty, it might not make sense, but yes, you can combine them.)

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Re:[2] Round 9: A big stick posted by Martin

I say we move forward a proxy:

The Atmospherist
In a world where autistic youth believe they are not living on earth, one religion proves itself useless when the methane atmosphere changes into scientists. Also known as My Blog with Andre.

But, if I had to vote for one of the two, I would say that I, Burley Grymz, vote for The Atheist.

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Re: Round 9: A big stick posted by kza

Both ideas get canned.

Generally, I’m not against the Gordian Knot rule. However, there is one problem: I’m incredibly anal-retentive it really screws up the competitive order of the Spitball! Tourney. I’d really feel better if something moved forward, even if we know it’s gonna get canned in the next round.

You know, let’s rise to vote and see where we stand. That could solve this thing with one fell swoop. If you had to choose one to move forward, which one would it be?

Oh, and:

I think that this [tabling procedures] might be interesting for the needlessly complex® rules futures

I’ll start working on that, since we should have that in place.

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Round 9: A big stick posted by Martin

c) Start writing a post on tabling procedures?

I think that this might be interesting for the needlessly complex® rules futures, but I don’t think it’s actually needed in this round. I propose instead something radical:

Both ideas get canned.

I’m not really feeling the love for either of these that strongly, and it seems that the things that interest and pull me in are nearly opposite of the things that interest you and pull you in. I’m taking our disagreements over these ideas as a sign that the ideas weren’t that strong to begin with.

It’s like our friends who have an organic subscription farm (brief plug: fresh veggies, delivered each week nearby your home? Great prices, and great people? If you’re in Seattle, you could do much worse). In talking about farming with them, they said that a field that has sat fallow for many years is amazing to grow in. You have no problems with pests, and everything just goes well. Compare that with a field that has been planted where the soil is robbed of nutrition, and there are tons of problems with pests and the plants don’t grown nearly as well. I think we’re sitting in weak soil with these stories. I think we need a storyectomy. When we’re in more fertile soil I’ll bet we encounter none of the problems we’re currently having. What say you?

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Round 9.13 [The Atheist v. Atmosphere] posted by kza

a. How do you end it? You can’t kill the mitochondria, who—over billions of years—have formed a complex relationship with the human hosts. What’s the end game? Is it just acceptance of the situation? Is that a dramatic enough story arc? Do the humans escape the Earth? Can they live without the tiny species?

Well, to be fair, I didn’t get a chance to end it. To be more fair, I wasn’t even sure myself (although I have an inkling), but I thought I’d get through it one way or another in the second post.

b. How do you visually represent the relationship with the tiny consciousness? Some might argue that this is what the Blob was doing in metaphor (actually, I may be the first person to suggest that, but I kind of am suggesting that), but I am thinking that this would be a big hurdle in the making of this movie. There can be tricks or representing the microscopic beings as a human that nobody else can see, but this would be a hurdle towards making this a reality.

Again, much like the autism thing, I’d much rather commit and accept the storytelling challenge then try and think and come up with the answer in an abstract way before proceeding. But I can’t really blame you if you can’t commit.

I guess it’s a little ironic—we seem to have switched position on this particular story. You’re starting broad and getting more specific, but I want specifics first and then go broad.

Which is difficult, for me, for this story (and a few others), because what they spark in me isn’t specifics. Rachel was the same way — what sparked an interest in me wasn’t anything specific, but a mood, a feeling, a vague concept, and when I tried to get specific… well, you know what happened.

I want this story to be about how in a superstitious society, one person sees things differently and, using the powers of observation and reason, figures out that things aren’t as they seem despite the dogma. I want it as a metaphor for the early (early, as in, 2005) scientists working against the ignorance of the church.

I’m sympathetic to that concept. The only problem was that the specifics you suggested were, ultimately, too Twilight Zone for me. It was ultimately just a “gotcha” story. (Nothing wrong with Twilight Zone, really, but after all the “Scary Door” parodies on Futurama, it’s kinda been ruined for me.)

So, I’ll leave this next part up to you. Should I:

a) Write the proposed second part of my Atheist story sketch? (Could be hard, since it’s gone a bit cold for me. Also, I don’t expect it to change your mind any.)
b) Write a version of the Atheist that uses the alien planet? (I’m still pretty opposed to the alien planet, but maybe that severe conflict will push me to, uh, alien places.)
c) Start writing a post on tabling procedures?

And of course, there’s always the vote.

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Round 9.12 [The Atheist v. Atmosphere] posted by Martin

I’m back! After catching the flu and being laid up for over a week, I’ve finally regained enough presence of mind to make at least as little sense as I normally do. So, without further adieu, and to propel things forward, here is my response to the Shockah’s last post on the screenplay.

I have two areas of response to your post on the Atheist

Area 1 is a response to your post

I’m still not hooked. Which is very different than saying that I’m not interested—I think what you’ve described is fascinating conceptually, but it sounds like a novel to me. It certainly is novel, and the microscopic critters manipulating people is a great concept, but I think it raises terrific issues, that for me, define it as such:

a. How do you end it? You can’t kill the mitochondria, who—over billions of years—have formed a complex relationship with the human hosts. What’s the end game? Is it just acceptance of the situation? Is that a dramatic enough story arc? Do the humans escape the Earth? Can they live without the tiny species?

b. How do you visually represent the relationship with the tiny consciousness? Some might argue that this is what the Blob was doing in metaphor (actually, I may be the first person to suggest that, but I kind of am suggesting that), but I am thinking that this would be a big hurdle in the making of this movie. There can be tricks or representing the microscopic beings as a human that nobody else can see, but this would be a hurdle towards making this a reality.

I guess it’s a little ironic—we seem to have switched position on this particular story. You’re starting broad and getting more specific, but I want specifics first and then go broad.

Area 2 is a clarification of previously stated ideas and has little to do with your post

Being sick, I’ve been catching up on some reading—notably starting Neal Stephenson’s Quicksilver, which has been on my “to tackle” list for quite awhile. It sparked in my mind an unarticulated desire that I have with this story, which is one of the reasons I argue that it should be done on another planet.

I want this story to be about how in a superstitious society, one person sees things differently and, using the powers of observation and reason, figures out that things aren’t as they seem despite the dogma. I want it as a metaphor for the early (early, as in, 2005) scientists working against the ignorance of the church. This is why I argue that putting it on Earth dilutes it—in my version of this story, it could never take place on earth because the population needs to be isolated from all outside influence.

OR, if it did, it would have to be an isolated population on an island that was completely remote from everybody, and potentially takes place before European expansion into the Americas. Why? Because then an isolated population untouched by other humans is a possibility. But, there is (essentially) no difference in this and setting the thing on another planet. The other planet makes just as much sense, and the island seems to be just an abstracting factor that would add nothing to the story other than conveniently place it on earth. It seems a silly idea.

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Round 9.11 [The Atheist v. Atmosphere] posted by kza

Okay, so the following is an attempt at sketching out a story for The Atheist that takes place on Earth, instead of an alien planet. As I’m writing this, I feel I should point out that I have absolutely no idea what’s going to come out, which is why I used the word “sketch” — this, in all likelihood, will not be using the sequence method, at least not in any kind of conscious, direct way. Hell, to be perfectly honest, I’m not even sure if the following will even be a story, in the usual sense, but more of a… “communication of a vision”, if that makes any sense. Probably not. Maybe I should just start writing, huh?

The Atheist

So the big idea here is that the Earth is, in reality, a prison planet. A long, long, long time ago, before there were any humans, aliens came by and deposited their criminals here, like some giant Australia. These criminals apparently did something so horrible that the best possible punishment was to drop them off on a planet that had only the most primitive form of life and leave them there forever. What did these criminals do? I’m not sure yet, so I’ll try and get to that later. More importantly, what kind of creatures are these aliens? How would they survive on a planet that contained only primordial soup?

Here’s an idea: what if the alien criminals are our own mitochondria, in our cells? Apparently (for reals, yo), mitochondria are actually ancient bacterial hitchhikers that wormed their way into our single-celled progenitor organisms billions of years ago — they even have their own separate DNA from ours. (Some theorize that humans and other living things are just vessels for the transference of information, both our regular DNA and the mitochondria’s.) What if these warden aliens dropped these critters off, thinking they’d just swim around in the goop for eternity, but they were clever enough to hop onto the evolution bandwagon?

So the warden aliens take off for the Warden Homeworld, leaving the Mitochondria Bandits to serve their sentence, but the Mitochondria Bandits — feeling they have nothing to lose? for kicks? to avoid being eaten by protozoa or something? — make their home in our progenitor cells. Every living creature has mitochondria, so they’re everywhere — it’s possible they’re the reason we’re here today.

Billions of years pass.

Now we’re in 2007. This is where the story would start, presumably, so we need a protagonist. Let’s call him Joe for now. (Obviously, the protag could easily be a woman — no reason why not — but I’m going with a guy for now. Latent sexism, I know. Sorry.) So who is Joe? I see two possibilities — either he’s some scientist-type (because a scientist-type will be necessary at some point, I think) or he’s just Regular Joe. I’m not sure which yet, though. Either way, he’s Joe, and he’s got the usual Joe problems. What are the usual Joe problems? Well, they can be anything, up to and including: spouse troubles, dad issues, mom issues, child issues, sibling is a no good rotter, sibling is a saint and makes Joe look like a no good rotter, health issues, mental issues, job insecurity, spiritual insecurity, and Geriatric Profanity Disorder, or G.P.D.

Since this is called The Atheist, spiritual issues seem like a shoo-in, but we’ll save that for a moment. The reason Joe has problems is because a) we’ll need them to make Joe relatable, and b) we’ll need them to help fill out the story, and hopefully the real problem of the story (the Mitochondria Bandits) and Joe’s problems will inform and affect each other.

But what is the real problem of the story? Right now, every living thing has millions of mitochondria in them, which are in reality the clones of interstellar terrorists (or something), but at the same time, they’re necessary for the survival of every living thing. It’s a status quo, and a static one at that. Something must upset it, or we’ve got an essay instead of a story.

Two things come to mind: One, in a direct rip from a good but very strange book by Greg Bear called Blood Music, someone (probably Joe) somehow is able to communicate with his mitochondria. More on that in a minute. Two, the Warden Aliens come back — maybe to check up on the Bandits, or maybe they’ve decided to free the Bandits. (Their billion-year appeal finally made it through the courts?) If they want to free the Bandits (Free the Mitochondria Trillion!), well, that’s gonna suck for Earth, cuz that means everyone’s gonna die.

It seems obvious to me that both events are needed, and are connected casually — the communication between human and mitochondria results in the Wardens coming back, which threatens the existence of humanity. Also, I think, in order to tie back in with the title and the notion of spiritual insecurity, the communication starts as one-on-one, but eventually spreads, so that by that last 1/3, either everyone on earth is talking to their mitochondria, or the reality of the situation is clear enough and everyone understands the possibility of extinction. This is the point that, to my mind at least, threatens the paradigms of most religions — that humans, all life, really, are the equivalent of automobiles, there to help move inhuman, value-less information (DNA) through time and survive.

But let’s get back to the guy who can talk to his cells. How the hell does that happen, anyway? Well, that’s the main reason to bring in a scientist-type, for some kinda bullshit scientist-type yada yada to get us to that point. (Is there a problem inherent to this sketch, that I use real science for the basis of the story, but am willing to relegate an important plot point to a fakey, bullshit explanation? Probably.) Still, bullshit or not, some kind of definition is needed here. Joe could be the subject of some kind of test, that has the (intentional or accidental) effect of allowing him to talk to his mitochondria. Or he could be the scientist that comes up with the test and tries it out on himself (the Blood Music option). It also could just happen one day. (For no good reason? Because this particular mitochondria has a conscience and wants to warn him that the Wardens are coming?) Regardless, it happens.

There’s a number of problems (both in the good “conflict” sense of the word and the bad “conceptual” sense) with a guy (let’s just say it’s Joe for now) talking with his cells. How, exactly do they communicate? In Hal Clement’s Needle (another book I’m, uh, “inspired” by), a cop virus on Earth looking for a criminal virus gets inside a teenager, and it communicates with the kid by using flashing words on his retina, that he can see when he’s looking at blank wall. So there’s one idea. Of course, it could just talk in Joe’s head in English, like as if it were his own thoughts or a conscience. (It seems like the first one works if the technical details of communication are important, but the second one, while easier — and thus, less interesting — has more thematic and metaphoric possibilities.) Dreams are another possibility, but I can already tell I don’t like that one. Another idea: Morse code. Maybe the mitochondria causes throbbing in Joe’s body that he can read as Morse code. While that makes sense from one perspective (that the mitochondria communicates in pure information, binary code, off and on), from another it looks pretty silly.

Regardless, there’s a communication, and clearly that’s going to have an affect on Joe’s “Joe Problems”. One possible way of structuring the early part of the story is that Joe’s getting these messages and no one believes him — he’s not even sure if it’s real or he’s going crazy. This could be even more difficult if he’s from a religious background or has a religious background that he’s rejected. What the mitochondria is whispering into his head is probably pretty blasphemous at the least, and pretty shocking even if he really is an atheist or an agnostic.

But what is the mitochondria telling him, exactly? And why is it telling him anything to begin with? Earlier, I suggested that this particular mitochondria has a conscience, and knows that the coming of the Wardens means the death of all life on Earth. (This brings up another question: are all the mitochondria in the world individuals? Or all they all clones of the same, say, 12 original convicts? And if they’re clones, do they have telepathic communication with each other? Do they act as one organism? Or are we, in effect, back to the individuals again? The answer is necessary for an important question: why this mitochondria, and why Joe?) But back to the other question: what is it telling Joe, and why is it telling him?

It’s probably telling him the background that we’ve already set up: alien convicts, billions of years ago, life is ultimately a vehicle for their own continued survival — everything that is important to humans (love, morality, power, fame, etc.) is truly meaningless, a byproduct not unlike the exhaust from an SUV. All well and good. But why? Assuming I don’t want to use the conscience thing, what else could motivate this particular Bandit? Well, the flipside to a “good” motivation is a “bad” motivation. What if the Bandit is manipulating Joe for some reason? I’m not sure what that reason would be, though. Right now, though, I’m presuming that the Wardens are on their way and are going to kill everything on Earth if nothing unusual happens — unusual here meaning that one of the convicts starts talking. So maybe with a bad convict, it wants to somehow manipulate Joe so that he brings the Wardens that will free the convicts at the expense of the Earth. Good idea, but I have no idea how he’d do that. Still, the notion that not only are there intelligent cells in Joe’s body that can talk to him, but can also lie to him is pretty tasty.

Clearly, however, at some point Joe comes to believe this communication to be real. This no doubt causes all kinds of problems in his family, friend, and work relationships, but it seems like there should be at least one person (child? spouse?) that believes him. Nothing original there — the “supportive character” is pure archetype — but it seems necessary. So right now, I see the first 1/3 or so of this story being about Joe realizing that he has these convicts inside him, and his acceptance of that and his belief in their story. What then?

Joe has likely changed because of this experience. He’s not going to be the same guy he was at the beginning. (Although the usual “arc” for a character is that he/she changes at the end of the second act, and that change is tested in the third act, a change can technically happen at any point, and be tested from that point on.) It’s likely that he’s broken ties with a number of people, and has changed his views on a number of subjects. How does he feel about his newborn son, knowing that the only purpose of his existence is for the criminals inside his wife to continue their existence? How does he reconcile his life as a human being, what it means to be a human being, with the knowledge of the true purpose of life on Earth? There’s a temptation to fall into nihilism — does he resist?

Okay, I’ve hit my personal limit of 2000 words, and I’m far from finished sketching out what this story is to me. I’ll continue this in Round 9.13 if it’s warranted.

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Round 9.10 [The Atheist v. Atmosphere] posted by Martin

I can’t imagine walking into a movie about an autistic person and thinking, “This guy can’t make an emotional connection to people, so I can’t make an emotional connection with him.” That doesn’t make any sense. I literally don’t understand or recognize what you’re describing. It’s totally contrary to everything I know about stories and films.

Two points on this:
1. To paraphrase Mamet, they call a confidence man a confidence man not because you give him your confidence, but because he gives his confidence to you. We fall in love with actors in love stories because they give their love to us by proxy of their screen love interest. We get scared in horror films because the character gives us their fear. The most successful actors are the clearest emotional conduits, that can effortlessly project the inner emotions of a character while seeming not to do so. Movies are, in one great sense, about the emotional states of people. This is one reason that film is such a powerful medium. Having a character who, by definition of his disorder, has trouble emotionally connecting to other people is an impediment to projecting his emotional state.
2. You keep speaking in grand terms, about “our jobs as artists” and “everything you know about stories and films.” I’m talking about one instance of one character in one story. I’m making no statements that autism can’t be used successfully, I’m simply saying that for the way I see this story, having the character be autistic is an artificial barrier to the points I would like to stress. Namely, as I’ve said, the emotional manipulation of the audience members. Having them like, then dislike, then sympathize with a nasty character. That’s the point of entry and interest for me in this story.

But again, what I’m penultimately saying isn’t that it has to be an autistic guy, simply that my version and your version are on the same level, imo — that is, my “autism made me do it” and your “it was a mistake cuz I fell asleep” are more or less equivalent. I still think the culpability of the protagonist needs to be raised.

I don’t think they are equal. One killed people because of something he could, but didn’t, control. The other killed people because of a disorder that he has that is no fault of his own. The former makes him culpable. The latter gives, again, mitigating circumstances to his culpability.

Furthermore, mine makes a series of missteps in the face of good reasons not to. He paved his own road. Falling asleep was not the reason the event happened, but only that he didn’t recognize the alarms. But, frankly, maybe he went to the bathroom to snort some coke instead. Maybe their were no alarms. Either way the deaths of thousands of people were the direct result of his actions, with nothing mitigating them in the slightest.

And what I’m ultimately saying is that I’m tired of considering the audience and trying to imagine what they will or won’t accept. It’s cart before the horse. Figure out the story first, then figure out how to “sell” it to an audience.

Tell that to the people that made new coke in the 80s.

Or, if you’re not considering the audience at all, why take traditional form? Why not make the movie 700 pages? Why follow the sequence method? These are all concessions to audiences and humans ability to sit and watch a story for an extended time period. You already are considering the audience. Actually, the story itself is the audience, really, and the question that we seem to be disagreeing on is whether or not the story is strengthened by this one attribute you’ve assigned a character.

But you know what? I’m willing to be wrong. Lay it out for me. Lay out the story as you see it, and tell me why the autism is so important in service to the story.

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Round 9.9 [The Atheist v. Atmosphere] posted by kza

In this case the story rests on a fulcrum: the audiences ability to make an emotional connection with the protag. Making him autistic seems like an artificial barrier to doing that.

I totally disagree with this premise. I can’t imagine walking into a movie about an autistic person and thinking, “This guy can’t make an emotional connection to people, so I can’t make an emotional connection with him.” That doesn’t make any sense. I literally don’t understand or recognize what you’re describing. It’s totally contrary to everything I know about stories and films.

The question is whether this story will be enhanced or troubled by having the protag be autistic. I think the latter.

And I think the former.

• His autism is an inner incarceration, a thematic reflection of his external incarceration.
• It connects with his obsession with terraforming, and its symbolic connection to alchemy: he desires an inner change, and can only attempt it by making an external change in the world around him.
• It makes his relationships within the jail and his goal of transforming the atmosphere around the jail more difficult, and thus more interesting.

The fact that he’s, again, for lack of a better phrase, “mentally handicapped” is problematic, but it seems more like an opportunity than a crisis. It’s strange, because putting the deaths of hundreds or thousands of people on the head of a mentally handicapped man is an odd premise for a story. But I don’t think it’s an excuse — he’s still responsible, and there are still ramifications: meaning, this guy with mental problems goes to jail. I think that’s interesting, and invites a complicated response.

But again, what I’m penultimately saying isn’t that it has to be an autistic guy, simply that my version and your version are on the same level, imo — that is, my “autism made me do it” and your “it was a mistake cuz I fell asleep” are more or less equivalent. I still think the culpability of the protagonist needs to be raised.

And what I’m ultimately saying is that I’m tired of considering the audience and trying to imagine what they will or won’t accept. It’s cart before the horse. Figure out the story first, then figure out how to “sell” it to an audience.

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Round 9.8 [The Atheist v. Atmosphere] posted by Martin

Well, that’s our job as artists: to find a way in to a specific viewpoint and express it to the best of our ability.

I can’t speak to being an artist. My question is simply this: does the autism aid the story? In this case the story rests on a fulcrum: the audiences ability to make an emotional connection with the protag. Making him autistic seems like an artificial barrier to doing that.

The author of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time found a way.

Yes he did. He had the autistic guy write the book in first person, because from the outside autistic people are much harder to relate to. You can’t read their emotions. Unless you give them a Tom Cruise to bounce off of. I ask you: do you really want to re-write Rain Man?

But, the issue isn’t whether or not we could make a story work with an autistic character. I’m sure we could. And, to put a fine point on it, I’m not objecting to an autistic protagonist specifically (being as I just wrote one into one of my descriptions). I’m objecting to a particular character in a particular situation. The question is whether this story will be enhanced or troubled by having the protag be autistic. I think the latter.

Additionally, autism gives him an excuse for his reprehensible actions. If he has a built in excuse, there is no reason to redeem him, so the emotional arc that I’m seeking in this character is unavailable from the word go because he’s already forgiven or explained due to his disorder.

Hitchcock was always finding ways getting audiences to connect with characters whom they would otherwise despise.

Yes, and that’s exactly what I’m saying I want to do: set up a character that the audiences has good reason to not like, and then help the audience relate to them. That’s my goal plain and simple.

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Round 9.7 [The Atheist v. Atmosphere] posted by kza

I think you put your finger on something here: with him being autistic, he exists outside of the normal spectrum of emotions. So, how—as an audience—are we suppose to care about him at all? How can we connect with someone who emotionally is unable to connect?

Well, that’s our job as artists: to find a way in to a specific viewpoint and express it to the best of our ability. The author of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time found a way. Hitchcock was always finding ways getting audiences to connect with characters whom they would otherwise despise.

Or put another way: why should we care about any character, in any story? What tools do we have as artists that allow us to make an audience care for a character? And why should those tools suddenly not work because a character is autistic? I don’t think any of this has anything to do with whether a character can emotionally connect to another character or not.

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Round 9.6 [The Atheist v. Atmosphere] posted by Martin

The Atheist

I don’t get this. Why? If one particular religion is wrong, then X number of religions are wrong.

Well, the main reason I have the population believing in one god is to simplify. If you’re really talking about setting it on Earth and taking on “real” religions, then which ones? The big three? What about smaller ones? If we’re taking on Christianity, are we taking on the Catholics, the Episcopalians, the Congregationalists, the Anglicans, the Mormons, the Christian Scientists, or the Jehovah’s Witnesses? And if you do take on one of those, then how is it taking on all of them? I could argue against the doctrine of virginal birth with a Catholic, but the Congregationalists don’t literally believe in that. In other words, if we come up with a scathing indictment of Christianity, it could just be a scathing indictment of one sect and not even matter to another. We’ve learned that the Catholics really don’t like the idea of a human christ—who is ultimately redeemed—dreaming on the cross of being married thanks the devil, but they love the idea of having his suffering brought to snuff film reality. How can you insult people who love the most violent film ever made?

And the same sub-divisions exist for Islam and for Judaism. What if they’re based on multiple gods instead of one god? What about the ones that aren’t connected to gods at all? How do we explain, or avoid, Wicca, or Rastafarianism? Is the version of God that is wrong the peaceful leftist-Christ, or the vengeful big-daddy Christ who is going to come and kill the mass of the population for not believing in him?

If we make one culture with one god, we can neatly avoid these issues. One god, one planet, one belief system that we define that, of course, metaphorically represents Earth religions—or more directly, the human need for religion.

But, mostly this is an issue of scope. You want to take on all religion and atheists? And you want to do this within 2 hours? Well, maybe this is all conjecture, because at this point I’m not arguing against anything but a belief of where to put the movie, and I don’t know anything about the movie set on Earth except the history of the protag.

So, at this point, I say: show your hand. What’s the story here of the guy on Earth? What happens and how does it play out in your view?

Atmosphere

I think you put your finger on something here: with him being autistic, he exists outside of the normal spectrum of emotions. So, how—as an audience—are we suppose to care about him at all? How can we connect with someone who emotionally is unable to connect?

But maybe unredeemable is too strong of a word. Let’s just say that I’d like to protagonist to be at a severe disadvantage due to his actions, although this can be revealed a bit later in the story maybe, so that at first we think he is the guy we’re going to root for, then we learn he isn’t, then we start to root for him despite ourselves. If we could set up that dynamic, I would be very happy. The rest is window dressing, as far as I’m concerned.

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Round 9.5 [The Atheist v. Atmosphere] posted by kza

The Atheist

First off, we need the entire population believing in one god.

I don’t get this. Why? If one particular religion is wrong, then X number of religions are wrong.

Secondly, in my view, we actually need to disprove that this god exists—or, at least, that the historical evidence for this god was made by their imprisoned forefathers.

How can we disprove a god that real people actually believe in (when some people can’t even draw cartoons of one version of him)?

I guess this is where our visions of this completely differ, as I don’t see how we can disprove an imaginary god either. To me, this is a story about faith and belief — the character comes to believe, against all the believers of various religions and the atheists, that the planet is a giant prison for their ancestors — and he turns out to be right. To put it another way, a planet with a made-up culture is too distancing to me, ultimately too watered-down. I guess what I’m saying is, the belief systems of aliens are completely uninteresting to me, especially when the ones we’ve got here on Earth are fascinating enough.

Maybe it’s because the story of your protagonist just wasn’t as compelling to me.

Which was kind of the point, for me. He’s an ordinary guy with ordinary, slightly banal problems. His story doesn’t really begin until the screenplay. And when he starts to believe the world is a prison planet, how does that affect him as an environmentalist? As a potential father who will be bringing another “prisoner” into the world?

Atmosphere

for some reason (and I’m not sure if this is purely in my head or is on the page) your guy seems more redeemable.

You think? I don’t necessarily disagree, but remember he is autistic. He doesn’t really get regular emotions, he doesn’t really have empathy. He knows there’s something abnormal with himself, but he can’t see outside of himself to really “get it”. I’m wondering if it’s because he has a mental impairment (for lack of a better phrase), and such characters aren’t usually villains in this sense, that you’re confusing your empathy for him with his potential for redemption. [Because sometimes I feel like I do — edit for clarity and to sound a little less accusatory.]

Basically, if you want him to unredeemable, then we need to take the plunge and have him make a choice between sacrificing something he wants and saving the people of the colony, or sacrificing the people of the colony for something he wants… and he sacrifices the people. I’m not sure an accident is going to cut it anymore.

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Round 9.4 [The Atheist v. Atmosphere] posted by Martin

Hmmm… I’m not entirely sure what we’re supposed to do now.

Me neither…my god. Did we actually make too few rules?

Anyway, I agree with Shockah that the rabble should be rousing—if you have the slightest inkling of an opinion on this one, please do let us know.

So, without further adieu:

The Atheist

Interesting that you want to place this one on Earth, because the way that I’ve been looking at it, it would be impossible to do that. First off, we need the entire population believing in one god. Secondly, in my view, we actually need to disprove that this god exists—or, at least, that the historical evidence for this god was made by their imprisoned forefathers.

How can we disprove a god that real people actually believe in (when some people can’t even draw cartoons of one version of him)? By touching that issue at all, we’ll be either burdened by our own opinions or by attempts to attempt to show that we don’t have any. Moving it to a self-contained (and totally defined-by-us) community had the advantage of avoiding the trappings of religion here on Earth.

But understanding your reason for wanting to keep this on Earth is so that we have a candidate that is not on another planet (although Rasputin the Translator take place on Earth, at least), but I don’t know if I’m convinced yet. Maybe it’s because the story of your protagonist just wasn’t as compelling to me. And that could be because I didn’t see the story in the description—and, to be fair, that’s not a bad thing—it’s just that since I had seen this taking place on a different land than Earth, I wanted to know more about how it’s going to play out with this guy.

So, I’ll withhold any further pondering until you come up with some more terrestrial ideas on this one—I’m curious and willing to be open minded about it, but I’ll need to be pointed in a direction to ponder it. Get crackin’ on Winter Light!

Atmosphere
First off, it’s funny that we both gave a character autism. I didn’t read yours before doing mine, so that was totally coincidence.

I do agree that our bios are very similar, and could be condensed into one. Although, for some reason (and I’m not sure if this is purely in my head or is on the page) your guy seems more redeemable.

Part of my interest in this story has to do with confronting a nearly unredeemable protagonist. Somebody who really did something terrible and selfish and who really deserved the punishment given to him. That’s why I was arguing that the company and government shouldn’t be the bad guys in this. It’s really about one man coming to terms with what he did and trying to turn around and personally redeem himself.

If we have a character with such a difficult past, I think interest and sympathy will be forged through seeing his remorse. Then, we could really play with people by having his myopia be endangering to other people again—as if his attempts to redeem himself are looking like they’ll just lead him down the same path again.

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Round 9.3 [The Atheist v. Atmosphere] posted by kza

Hmmm… I’m not entirely sure what we’re supposed to do now. I suppose it’s no different than before and we start talking about the pros and cons of the various stories and character bios, but for some reason this round feels different than the others. Maybe ‘cause we’re one step closer to the real thang?

To all the Forum posters out there, actual and potential: Now’s the time to make your voice heard. I don’t know about Burley, but I love all these ideas, so I could use some outside guidance, now that we’re getting into specifics. What do you like? What don’t you like? Why? Again, I can’t speak for Burley, but what you say will have an effect on my decisions.

Anyway:

The Atheist
Amish… In… Spaaaace! I’m a little torn by this — I really like the alien world you’ve created here, and I really like some of the details. At the same time, I saw this one as an opportunity to not create a whole new world from scratch, since so many of our ideas have that already as a built-in cost. I figured, in our present world situation (wow, now there’s a euphemism), issues of faith and belief are so important that we may as well take them head-on without any distancing effects.

Which isn’t to say we can’t use yours. Maybe a start-off point of an Amish-like community is a better opportunity, rather than my “once-religious guy isn’t so religious anymore, but now he’s found a new calling” idea — I’ll admit, it’s a little too close to Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Looks like the real problem here is that, like some of our other ideas, it’s coasted in on its potential without revealing its specifics to us. (In case it wasn’t obvious, my bio was pure backstory — there isn’t a moment in it that directly relates to the actual screen story, since I still don’t really know what it is yet.) But is that a problem? Well, yes it is, but I’m still in love with the potential and I think I’m afraid of getting into specifics, for fear of spoiling it — which is silly, of course, because it ultimately has to be about something and things have to happen in it. Nonetheless, I still see this as a drama (again, like an Ingmar Bergman film) with SF underpinnings — I just wish I knew how to turn my feeling about how this story should, uh, feel, while providing specifics. I have a copy of Bergman’s script for Winter Light; maybe I should read that real quick before my next response.

Atmosphere
As far as character bios go, I think this one’s a dead-end. Not that I won’t vote for it or I don’t think the story idea isn’t any good anymore, simply that I don’t think there’s any real difference between our two bios. Really smart guy invents something, gets blinded by something, ends up killing a lot of people, goes to jail. The rest is whether you prefer chocolate or peanut butter. I think my addition of autism makes for a slightly different twist, but it’s really there to be an additional obstacle while in jail. And maybe it’s one obstacle too many, or maybe the idea of an autistic protagonist is too difficult to attempt at this time. (I also really like my alchemy symbolism — the idea of lead-into-gold as a representation of inner spiritual change — but it’s easily ported into your bio.) I dunno. I don’t think I have anymore to say about this one, unless you do.

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Round 9.2 [The Atheist v. Atmosphere] posted by Martin

The Atheist (Shockah rank: #4, Burley rank: #1)

v.

Atmosphere (neé Methane Madness) (Shockah rank: #7, Burley rank: #9)

Note that I’ve added the “relationship to story” line, just in case we start to diverge from the primary characters into minor, but influential ones. Also, your idea of The Atheist, which takes place on Earth, was very different than mine, so I was a bit confused at first. This line should help clarify things.

And now, without further adieu:

The Atheist
In a world devout to an all powerful god, one man uncovers exposes an unspeakable truth: their planet wasn’t carved by a deity, it was created to hold the most dangerous prisoners in the galaxy: their ancestors. What crime is so unspeakable that not only you will be punished for committing it, but all of your heirs will as well? And what happens when you find out that your captors are still watching your every move?

Character Sketch: Salisbury Jonathan
Relationship to story: Protagonist

(note: I think it’s nearly impossible to write Sci-fi and / or fantasy names that aren’t laughable, so I’ve used candy names for now. Better names to come).

Salisbury was always different. In this devout world, whose praise be to the god Caramel was all consuming, children were taken from their families at birth and placed in parochial schools. Segregated by sex at the age of 10 and not allowed to keep company until they reached the age of maturity, around 16. At that age, they were married to their promised one—a member of the opposite sex who was born closest to them in age without being a family member. The society believed in the theory of Truffle, which states that Caramel places soul mates on the planet Frango at nearly identical times—the division of one soul into two bodies, and through their union the souls become one.

Before the age of 10, Salisbury spent all of his time with his future betrothed (a practice the church encouraged to solidify later bonds), the precocious tomboy Natasha. Salisbury was slightly autistic, and the other boys found his ways peculiar and outcast him. Natasha, however, worked as his social barrier, creating paths for him when other children would simply exclude him. She protected him with fists and words, which made her outcast as well among the more normal girls. He trusted her like no other, and she him.

When they were separated at 10, life for both of them degraded. Salisbury found little escape in his studies, and was abused and harassed by the other boys because he wouldn’t fit in. He turned to Caramel, and spent many hours worshipping devoutly at the temple. Through becoming a candidate for the priestly class, Salisbury found solace from the mocking, since religious leaders were expected, on a social level, to be relative outcasts.

Natasha had a similar experience with the girls keeping her at an arms-length, but she also had an early puberty, and grew into an adult’s body quite quickly. A more lecherous teacher sexually abused her, and Natasha turned dark. When she was 15—a half year away from her union with Salisbury—she committed a ritualistic suicide—-an act seen as the ultimate statement in their culture. An investigation led to the uncovering of the abuse, and as her betrothed, Salisbury was the judge. He had the option of punishment. The socially acceptable thing, which his classmates encouraged him towards, was to murder the teacher with his own hands, but he could also choose banishment if he so desired.

Salisbury, who took the word of Caramel very seriously, was torn. On one hand he was murderously angry that he had lost his beloved, and was therefore destined to a life of lonely bachelorhood. On the other hand, Caramel taught to do no violence against other people, and that only the lord Caramel had ownership over life and death.

Salisbury repressed his rage and went with the teachings of the church, punishing the teacher to banishment but not death. Salisbury himself went into a very dark time, and upon completing his studies at 16 went into the wilderness to live a hermits life for awhile.

It was there, living in a makeshift shelter and surviving off the land, that Salisbury first noticed the satellites. Most stars in the sky were stationary, but certain ones moved in both north-to-south and east-to-west directions. He became fascinated with the “moving stars”, and started tracking them, realizing that before too long he could predict their appearance, location and trajectory.

This did not jive with anything about Salisbury that he had ever been taught. He returned to the city to talk to some of the religious leaders, but found when he went to point out the moving stars to them, that they were nowhere to be found.

He left the city again, people assuming the wilderness had driven him crazy, as legends always predicted it does. But, outside of the city, the satellites appeared again exactly where he predicted they would. After trial and error, he realized there was a line drawn around the city, inside of which the satellite’s were not visible, but outside of which they were. By doing some simple geometry, he discovered the radius of the curve, and after identifying it, followed the line.

Salisbury stumbled across an outbuilding that, while once hidden by shrubbery, was now exposed. It contained some sort of machine that generated a force field around the city. He destroyed it, and found that he was able to see the satellites inside of the radius, as if the machine was a generator making a force field that blocked view of the satellites. .

He set up camp to study the generator that he broke, but was shocked when a space craft landed nearby and strange men, speaking a strange language got out and repaired the generator. Caramel taught that they were alone in the universe, but now Salisbury learns that this isn’t true. His faith is shaken, and the deeper he starts to look, the stranger the mystery becomes.

Atmosphere
In a World where stranded humans must guard themselves from a poisonous atmosphere, one scientist finds a process for rendering the air on the planet breathable. The only problem is, the planet is a prison and the guards will kill them all if they found out about the experiments.

Character Sketch: Dr. Zheng James McNab
Relationship to story: Protagonist

(note: this is a rewrite and expansion of the bio that I wrote in this post . Also, please note that any science mentioned here is purely plot driven script science, and shouldn’t at all indicate that I think I know what the fuck I’m talking about).

Born in Chicago, 2113. Mother was an psychologist, Father a historian in Ancient Chinese cultures whose alcoholism kept him from ever making tenure at the university. His childhood was relatively uneventful, and upon showing an early aptitude in the sciences, his mother pushed him into physics.

Young Zheng took the challenge. Named for the great Chinese Mariner Zheng He, he always felt it was his destiny to create, discover, and better the world for future generations. His myopia towards his studies, encouraged strongly by his mother and pretty much ignored by his father, led him to break new ground in high school and take a full ride to MIT, majoring in physics.

He graduated top of his class, doing groundbreaking research into small fissile reactions with methane. He followed his research at Stanford for his doctorate, making a breakthrough discovery that using small controlled explosions, he could create large amounts of oxygen. This discovery shepherded in a new era in space exploration and atmospheric work.

His post-doc work was spent developing a hockey-puck size device that could be used to refill 30 or so tanks of oxygen. All you needed was the puck and and a tank to store the product in. This device was bought out by Syncprocess, Inc. in Madison Wisconsin, where Dr. Zheng went to work as the chief engineer in atmospheric sciences.

While doing more research, Zheng worked on a theory that his process could be expanded to convert Methane based planets to breathable oxygen. He gives a talk in which he makes grandiose claims about his process, how safe it is, how effective, how it can terra form environments in extremely short time periods.

His bosses at Syncprocess just want him to focus on the smaller picture—they are not interested in grand atmospherics, simply in making sellable products to please the stock holders. But he is convinced that he could bring himself and his company great riches and fame if he could solve the problems presented to him with terra forming.

He sets up a small lab at home, and works nights and weekends. He eschews sleep for work, and to that end starts taking speed to keep his mind clear and awake. But, the drugs have their toll, and Zheng becomes convinced that his company is out to kill his artistry and research. He turns against his bosses, and doubles his pace of research.

After increasingly erratic behavior, he is asked to take a leave of absence to pull himself together. He takes advantage of his free time to work 24/7 on his process, but needs the resources of the company to run his final experiment. He breaks onto campus at night, and plugs his process into the computer to run it. He falls asleep at the computer, though, and doesn’t notice the warnings as the program compiles.

It executes with errors, and instead of changing a small canister of methane into an amazingly large quantity of oxygen, it changes all oxygen within a four mile radius of the campus to pure methane, killing thousands.

Zheng was awakened by warning bells, and had time to jump into an environment suit before the tragedy struck. He lived, but by his errors he murdered thousands. He was tried and convicted of mass murder, and sentenced to life imprisonment without the possibility of parole on the Prison Planet, an (ironically) Methane covered planet where he is asked to do manual labor in orr mines to at least partially repay his sins.

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Round Nine [The Atheist v. Atmosphere] posted by kza

The Atheist (Shockah rank: #4, Burley rank: #1)

v.

Atmosphere (neé Methane Madness) (Shockah rank: #7, Burley rank: #9)

ROPE A DOPE!

(Note: We’ve added a new requirement to the battles — a character sketch of the protagonist, of about 600 words. “Character sketch” can be defined anyway that I or Burley choose to interpret it. Although the idea is to have two very different sketches for each story, if one of us thinks one of the other’s sketches is top-notch, another option is to expand on that sketch for 600 more words.)

The Atheist
In a world devout to an all powerful god, one man uncovers exposes an unspeakable truth: their planet wasn’t carved by a deity, it was created to hold the most dangerous prisoners in the galaxy: their ancestors. What crime is so unspeakable that not only you will be punished for committing it, but all of your heirs will as well? And what happens when you find out that your captors are still watching your every move?

Character Sketch: Ronald Brenner
Ronald Brenner — born 1970, in Wichita, Kansas. Parents: Harry and Rochelle, and two younger siblings, Louise (Lulu) and Henry (Hank). Ronald grew up in a Presbyterian household, which, although not strict, was very devout — church every Sunday, tithing, the whole shebang. When Ronald was eight, his newborn brother Hank got sick. It looked like the baby would die, but Ronald prayed all night, and the following day, Hank’s fever broke and he survived. Ronald’s faith was strengthened, and he thought nothing could ever break it.

When he was eighteen, Ronald’s parents divorced. While this didn’t directly affect his faith in God, it did damage his faith in people and his parents specifically. Ronald, along with eight year old Hank and twelve year old Lulu stayed with his mother. His father soon remarried (to the woman who broke up the marriage), and his mother never got over it, and her health, physical and mental, deteriorated. Ronald gave up college to take care of his mother and his siblings, but his mother go worse and worse, and eventually passed away five years later.

Ronald got a job and tried to raise the two kids as best he could. He tried to find solace in the church, but his family was socially ostracized because of the divorce, and they lost one of their support networks. Lulu left home at 18 for California — ran away, really — and Hank got the chance to live, on the east coast, with a wealthy aunt and uncle on their dad’s side. For the first time (although at a cost), Ronald had the chance to focus on himself.

He decided to go back to school to get a degree in marine biology. There, he met his future wife, Aileen. They dated through college, and when they graduated, got married. Although Aileen was nominally Jewish, she wasn’t particularly religious, and by this time, the loss of his mother, the loss of his siblings, and the uncaring treatment from his church had so chipped away at his faith that he wasn’t, either. Through his college years, Ronald had some contact with his estranged family. He went to see his father just before his marriage to Aileen, and found him separated from his new wife and carrying on a relationship with another woman. (He also finally met the second wife, Kris, who, to his surprise, was a gentle soul and not the villain he built up in his mind.) He’d also heard through friends-of-friends that Lulu had fallen in with shady characters in Eugene, Oregon, and traveled out to find her. He discovered her with a group of anarchists, and Lulu was resentful of his intrusion into her life. Lastly, he’d maintained contact with Hank via letters. But when Hank came to visit Ronald at college, they realized that they’d grown apart, now that Hank was ensconced in wealth and Ronald had to work his way through school.

Ronald has been married to Aileen for about six years now. He works for a large environmental activist coalition, and she is a lawyer who has just obtained a position at a major firm. Most of their friends and general support network are made up of people from both of these areas (which occasionally overlap). Ronald best friend is Davis, his boss.

Ronald and Aileen have agreed that they don’t want to have kids — Aileen says she simply doesn’t like them and doesn’t think bringing a new one into the world is such a great idea, and Ronald agrees with this. Secretly, though, Ronald is afraid of his potential incompetence as a father. Of course, Aileen’s become pregnant, and although neither is against abortion, they’re both hesitant about doing it without a great deal of thought.

Atmosphere
In a World where stranded humans must guard themselves from a poisonous atmosphere, one scientist finds a process for rendering the air on the planet breathable. The only problem is, the planet is a prison and the guards will kill them all if they found out about the experiments.

Character Sketch: Curtis Ian Jeffries
Curtis Ian Jeffries was born on August 23, 2112, on Earth, the only child of Kendrick and Lillian Jeffries. In 2112, gene research has progressed to a point where couples can eliminate birth defects, choose sex, and a host of other choices. While there are social pressures to do so, it isn’t mandated, and some parents choose, for moral (but usually financial) reasons to have a “natural” birth. Kendrick and Lillian went with this option, and Curtis Ian was born seemingly healthy. What’s more, he appeared to be an extremely bright child, even compared to the genetically altered children, capable of doing advanced math at an early age. It wasn’t until later, when little Curtis had a tantrum of unbelievable ferocity that it was apparent that he was autistic.

Such abnormalities were close to extinct, and thus were looked at with fear, disgust, and incomprehension. No school would accept him, and his parents were forced to teach him themselves somehow. The next ten years were monstrously difficult for the Jeffries, but in the end, they were able to get him to adjust and acclimate to the world as best as he possibly could. His intelligence and grasp of science was without measure, but he still could not relate or empathize with other human beings. However, he could (except in cases of extreme stress) function in the public world.

This is primarily because they were able to educate Curtis (via computer and other long-distance systems) and before he was 18, he had already graduated with a double degree in Chemistry and Engineering. Despite his condition, he was feted by all the major corporations and governments of the world, who knew a good thing when they saw it. Against conventional wisdom, Jeffries decided to sign on with a comparatively small and unknown company — Hermes Technology — that couldn’t offer him the salary or benefits a larger firm could. What they did offer though, was far more important: they had the most experience, knowledge, and personnel dealing with a nascent technology, one that captivated Curtis: terraforming.

Mars and the moons of Jupiter had been colonized for decades, but the colonists there were still living in tin cans, using the colonies as mining operations and scientific bases. The dream was to turn these planets and moons into fertile, Earth-like territories, exploitable for producing food and as place to import people off the overpopulated homeworld. Hermes Technology was making incremental progress towards this reality, but it wasn’t until Jeffries came on board that it seemed like something this could be accomplished within most people’s lifetime.

During the next ten years, Jeffries was key in spearheading experiments and research towards this goal. He also won over his various co-workers and superiors with his hard work and natural brilliance. Although his autism was still a wall between him and the rest of humanity, Jeffries was aware of this wall, even though there was no way for him to penetrate it. He built devices to help him deal with his autism — devices that recognized human expressions and relayed that information to him — but they were never a cure for it. At one point, he looked into having brain surgery to genuinely cure it, but he was warned that it could, at the very least, remove his genius, and at worst change his personality completely. He decided not to do it.

Finally, technology caught up with theory, and Jeffries’ team made the first attempt at minor terraforming. They chose a small moon covered with ice to create a stable, breathable atmosphere for the first time. They set up the equipment, turned it on… and covered the moon with a toxic fog. The fog wasn’t breathable, and it instantly corroded and destroyed any metal it touched. The team was safe in a satellite orbiting the moon, but their equipment — a billion dollars worth — was destroyed.

Jeffries was frustrated by the failure of the experiment — by his calculations, it should’ve worked. He dived back into the calculations and into the research, and when he finally emerged, five years had passed. He had the solution now, he was sure. Unfortunately, Hermes took a big hit from the first failure, and they were moving away from terraforming. Jeffries explained what went wrong and how he’d fixed it, but the execs were not convinced. Jeffries, going above the heads of the execs, took his case straight to the CEO of Hermes, locking himself in the office to force the CEO to listen.

He listened.

Within a year, everything was in place for the second attempt at terraforming, this time within a crater of Mars called Daedalia. The button was pushed… and it worked. Within nine months, the first flower — a blue delphinium — was grown. Jeffries was lauded for his work and given a raise.

Then, near the first anniversary of the successful terraforming of Daedalia, a problem was reported with the reactor that was providing the breathable atmosphere, a problem that threatened the existence of the colony if it wasn’t quickly solved. Jeffries and his team were brought in to fix it. Jeffries spent hours upon hours deep within the reactor, working on it non-stop, obsessed with getting the reactor fixed, and becoming fatigued without realizing it. His normally sharp and all-encompassing intelligence became myopic, focused on certain details of the problem but losing sight of the forest for the trees. He began to tune out the voices of his team he heard over his radio. Just when it seemed like time was about to run out, he discovered a solution for the problem, and implemented it. He returned to the surface and saw through the window a hellish landscape he didn’t recognize — he wondered if he’d somehow teleported to a different world. He was confused by the lack of radio chatter, now that he was listening again. It soon hit him: the solution he implemented didn’t take certain factors into account, notably the presence of humans on the surface. Although there were some survivors, 90% of the colony were killed.

Jeffries was tried, convicted of killing the colonists and his team, and given a life sentence. He was sent to a recently constructed prison, known as the “Alcatraz of Jupiter” — a prison constructed entirely of plastic, on the very moon rendered toxic by Jeffries himself.

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Re:[2] The Spitball! Tourney of Story Ideas -- Heat #2! posted by kza

My Top Four:

1. The Atheist
2. Rasputin the Translator
3. Little Black Stray
4. La Commune Planet

(Unlikely that anyone cares, but I did not look at Burley’s list until I composed my own.)

Thus, Heat #2 consists of the following:

1. The Atheist v. Atmosphere
2. Rasputin the Translator v. Time to Die
3. Little Black Stray v. Terminal Connection
4. La Commune Planet v. The Scabs

Round Nine (thought I’d keep the numbers continuous — it’ll make searches easier) belongs to me, and should make an appearance tomorrow.

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Re: The Spitball! Tourney of Story Ideas -- Heat #2! posted by Martin

From most to least favorite:

1. The Scabs
2. Terminal Connection
3. Time to Die
4. Atmosphere

I accept all of the terms and conditions. Awaaaay we go!

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The Spitball! Tourney of Story Ideas -- Heat #2! posted by kza

Now that Heat #1 has wrapped up, we’re now onto Heat #2, where things really start to heat up! Big Money! Big Prizes! I looooove it!

So, there’s gonna be two parts to this. First, we’re going to determine the order of battle. I’m going to take the first four winners (Rasputin the Translator, La Commune Planet, Little Black Stray, and The Atheist) and order them #1-#4, and Burley is going to take the next four winners (Terminal Connection, Time to Die, Atmosphere [mad props to my late uncle thrice removed], and The Scabs) and order them #1-#4, and the they will go against each other, my #1 vs. his #4, all the way down to my #4 to his #1.

(God, this heat’s gonna be trouble. I like all these ideas a lot.)

Then, the battles will be conducted as usual, with pros and cons, with one major difference: each of us will have to contribute a page-length character sketch of the protagonist for each story (thus, each story will have two character sketches of the same character, and each battle will have four character sketches total).

And that’s about it. Same voting rules, same tie-breaker scenarios, same penalties of forfeiture — unless Burley has some suggestions. Burley?

(Oh, and post your Top 4 anytime you’re ready.)

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Re:[2] Round 8: Rise to Vote, Sir! posted by Martin

Wouldn’t it be funny if I voted for Cop?

But, I’m not! I’m picking the Scabs (eeeewwwww). Ladies and Gentleman, this means that heat one of the first Spitball! plot dilution and expansion project has come to an end. To recap our winners:

1. Rasputin the Translator
2. La Commune Planet
3. Little Black Stray
4. The Atheist
5. Terminal Connection (formerly the Infected + If It Pleases The Court)
6. Time to Die
7. Atmosphere (formerly Methane Madness, named after Shockah’s paternal grandfather Ian Curtis)
8. The Scabs

For those that don’t remember the plots, we’ll recap as we go. Which leaves us now with the question of procedure, so I will punt to the master of our arbitrary and needlessly complex® rules. Please sir, steer us into the next phase of Spitball!

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Re: Round 8: Rise to Vote, Sir! posted by kza

I’m Scabbin’ it uptown, uptown!
I’m moving it uptown!
People goin’, people goin’
I’m Scabbin’ it uptown! Uptown!

You better Scab it up slowly…

You better Scab it up slowly…

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Round 8: Rise to Vote, Sir! posted by Martin

I suspect we’re both ready to put the hammer down on this one.

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Round 8.2 [Cop On the Hunt v. The Scabs] posted by kza

Cop on the Hunt (Shockah rank: #8, Burley rank: #20)

v.

The Scabs (Shockah rank: #19, Burley rank: #1)

404 ERROR — PITHY QUIP NOT FOUND

Cop On the Hunt
In a world where galactic criminals are rounded and left to die on one planet, one man—a crooked cop—must penetrate their violent society to spring a prison break with the leader of the most ruthless gang. If he succeeds, his name is clear. If he fails, Earth will fall to INVADING IMPATIENT ALIENS.

Pro
Bwah ha ha! I love this concept — it’s so straight-to-video, so ready to be Van Dammed, that anything we do to it will immediately raise it above its schlocky origins. Which makes me think: what’s the best approach for something like this — try to (sm)art it up, think it through logically, make well-rounded characters, etc., or embrace the schlock, go straight to the heart of schlockness and try to transcend it that way?

Um, no real answers here. Pretty straightforward — that’s always a plus in my book.

Con
So anyway, this is basically what John Carpenter’s been doing for years, with varying degrees of success. In fact, this could easily be the next Escape From movie. I’m not really sure if that’s a pro or con, just thought I’d mention it.

Also, not sure what aliens invading has to do with leader of the gang. I mean, presumably he knows something that can stop it, but nothing suggests itself right away.

The Scabs
In a world designed by engineers to be a self-sufficient, endlessly exploitable resource for the rest of the known galaxy, robots toil tirelessly in the fields, the forests and the mountains, providing food and raw materials for a rapidly expanding market. But when a series of accidents destroys some of the mining robots, the rest of the metal workforce decide to strike and power off, leaving the humans that depend on the planet in the lurch. A taskforce is assembled to get the planet up and running again while a negotiator tries to get the robots back online. While the taskforce tries to relearn the long-forgotten principles of farming and manufacturing, the negotiator accidentally reveals the existence of the taskforce… and the robots, realizing that their existence could be usurped by the humans, decide to go on the offensive.

Pro
I’ll admit, I’ve come around on this one. Wish I could adequately remember my objections to this one (why do I always object to the ones I came up with?), but I guess time makes fools of us all. Speaking of that reference (what reference?), it should be noted that I see this as a comedy, kind of in the Futurama mold. I mean, striking robots? That’s hilarious. I don’t think there’s any way I could take that seriously as straight drama. Which isn’t to say that I don’t take the issues raised by the story seriously, just that these issues should probably take the form of comedy. In fact, going back to the image that originally suggested this story, I remember making a conscious decision that if I was going to create a story dealing with capitalism, exploitation, labor, etc., it had to be both as abstracted from modern life as possible (hence, the robots) and it should be funny. Right now, come to think of it, I see this less as Futurama and more like Arrested Development in Spaaaace! — imagine a Jason Bateman as the negotiator character and a team of Gobs and Busters as the taskforce.

More pros: Pretty clear conflict (robots vs. the humans), that can branch out to other “fronts” — I see the negotiator character growing a conscience and defending the robots, and I can see the taskforce getting fed up with their superiors and with each other. And what happens to the taskforce if the negotiator comes to side with the robots? That’s a conflict of interest (the best kind of conflict :-)

Another pro: I like how that, until probably the third act, there’s potentially a lot of characters in lots of different places, that don’t have any real contact with each other, but their fates are entwined. Like, I see one storyline being the negotiator dealing with the robot labor representative, another storyline about the taskforce trying to learn to farm, and maybe another about the government dealing with the strike in public — none of these people need meet, but what they do affects the others. That’s exciting to me. (So maybe it’s like Futurama’s version of Syriana. Futuriana?)

Unintentional irony dept.: I chose the title as a literal reference to the taskforce, not realizing until later that these scabs are literally biological, as opposed to their metallic counterparts.

Oh, and just to give you an idea of my vision and lame sense of humor: I see a whole spectrum of robots, designed for different functions, and one type of robot is constructed of three spheres attached to each other (like a snowman, but each sphere can roll independently across the “skin” of the other spheres). What’s the human nickname for these robots?

Wobblies.

Con
If we’re concerned with some kind of realism or plausibility (and if this is slanted towards a Futurama-esque sense of comedy, I’m not sure that we are), then the idea of a single planet that provides sustenance for an entire galactic empire (or whatever it is) might be iffy. Regardless, some kind of history (how did we get to this point) will be necessary, even if it isn’t used, and some kind of idea of how the planet works on a day-to-day basis before the Point of Attack and Predicament occur.

Also, not so much Prison Planet, unless looked at metaphorically from the robots’ POV (and maybe, at some point, the taskforce’s).

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Round Eight [Cop On the Hunt v. The Scabs] posted by Martin

Cop on the Hunt (Shockah rank: #8, Burley rank: #20)

v.

The Scabs (Shockah rank: #19, Burley rank: #1)

This is the end, my only friend, the end…

Cop On the Hunt
In a world where galactic criminals are rounded and left to die on one planet, one man—a crooked cop—must penetrate their violent society to spring a prison break with the leader of the most ruthless gang. If he succeeds, his name is clear. If he fails, Earth will fall to INVADING IMPATIENT ALIENS.

Pro
I’m feeling a bit prosaic about this (no pun intended). This was one of my first ideas, and I ranked it purty durn low. It not only doesn’t really spell anything out, but it ends in an ALL CAPS JOKE, but obviously you found something redeemable in it, so I am very eager to hear your point of view.

This is ironic, because this plot vaguely follows an actual Prison Planet idea I had which I still quite like, but I feel like using that would be cheating in the context of Spitball!, so instead of bringing it to the table, I will subtly manipulate you until you re-write it.

Or, I guess I could just say: I see this as a tough-guy film, with lots of dirt and dust and fist fights. Mad Max-y, but there would have to be some twists on the Prison Planet.

Another approach, which I like more actually, would be to do a Heart of Darkness / Apocalypse Now sort of thing, even making it like Apocalypse Now Redux, where we have this Odyssean journey through the underworld.

Con
See, even though I’m saying it should be Mad Max-y, I think the Mad Max dusty-tough guy aesthetic is so overdone and archetypal now that it is hard to avoid. We would have to style this very carefully to avoid falling into the traps that these films lay. What could we do to overcome it? Maybe we have a woman character in there who (GASP!) doesn’t turn into a super hero. Maybe we have a weak protagonist who is nearly led astray by his own passivity. But what compels him?

I’ll be interested to hear what you have to say, but in the meantime I’m leaning one way pretty hard.

The Scabs
In a world designed by engineers to be a self-sufficient, endlessly exploitable resource for the rest of the known galaxy, robots toil tirelessly in the fields, the forests and the mountains, providing food and raw materials for a rapidly expanding market. But when a series of accidents destroys some of the mining robots, the rest of the metal workforce decide to strike and power off, leaving the humans that depend on the planet in the lurch. A taskforce is assembled to get the planet up and running again while a negotiator tries to get the robots back online. While the taskforce tries to relearn the long-forgotten principles of farming and manufacturing, the negotiator accidentally reveals the existence of the taskforce… and the robots, realizing that their existence could be usurped by the humans, decide to go on the offensive.

Pro
I fucking love this one. I would hug it if I could. This movie, to me, is a perfect exploration of the strengths and weaknesses of communism and capitalism far enough removed from Earth politics so that we could really dig in and throw some barbs. And I don’t mean barbs like MONEY IS EVIL, RETREAT AND JOIN HANDS BROTHERS! And by evil I don’t mean McCARTHY WAS A FUCKING SAINT YOU COFFEE DRINKING COMMIE BASTARD.

I like the idea of ridiculing a rich upper class used to being served, and ridiculing an underclass used to being shit on and just accepting it, and ridiculing idealism and dogmatism on both sides. Mostly, to paraphrase Robert Anton Wilson, I want to show how people’s convictions turn them into convicts.

That said, I don’t really want to make a point. That is, my idea here is not to make a political statement movie, but more a movie with an interesting plot that brings up some of these issues, and then lets them float out there without really resolving them. I might be tempted to call this the South Park approach. All ridicule, no answers! Actually the real model for this would be Starship Troopers, that told an engaging story that, on further exploration, turned out to be about the nature of facism.

Here’s my quickie: Open in a robot mine. Things are humming like everything is normal, but one robot—a slightly humanoid one—puts down his tools and stands there. Robot foremen come over and try to fix him, but the robot won’t let them near. Soon, all the robots around stop working and drop their tools. Because a robot isn’t doing his job, pressure builds up in a boiler and explodes, destroying all the other robots around. Film of the event creeps around the globe, and soon all robots are stopping work. The humans are going crazy trying to figure out what has happened. Virus? Hostile takeover?

From there we can go a lot of different ways, but let me move a little quicker: the humans, unable to take care of themselves, start rioting and going apeshit. Deaths occur, chaos reigns, the robots are silent through it all. Then, a coalition of humans starts regaining control and starts communicating with the robots, who are in wireless (kind of telepathic, eh?) communication with each other. The robots have demands, the humans, learning that their hardships were started by deliberate mischief rather than broken equipment, stage huge protests and start robot killing vendettas. Robots do nothing to retaliate, but demand that the destruction of their bodies stops through their translator.

Then the humans grow desperate and beg for help or they will all die. A few robots break ranks and show some humans how to farm and take care of themselves, but these robots, now moving, are easy targets for those who hate robots and they are publicly lynched. So, we have good humans and bad humans, good robots and bad robots, and now the motherfucking bad robots are pissed, and use their martyred brothers as reason to rampage. They take over the compounds and force the humans to wait on them, in demeaning slave-like fashion.

All the while, the more reasonable on both side try to continue their negotiations. What do the robots want? What do the humans want? The humans want robot slaves, but it turns out the robots only want to dance. In roller skates.

No, sorry. I’m not sure what the robots want yet. But, that can be worked out. I see this as a fast paced, lots of twists, a shoe-in for the sequence method. We’ll have to find some central characters, but this movie would totally kick ass. Kind of like Silent Running mixed with Starship Troopers mixed with the 12th Man.

Con
Con? This was my number-fucking-one choice. There is no con. There is only Xanadu (Olivia, oh Olivia…).

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Re:[3] Motion for Title Change posted by Martin

Um, no. That was my attempt at heart-tugging propaganda in order to get my way.

Sneaky. A little too sneaky. But, never let it be said that we—who are making up stories all the time—shouldn’t celebrate lying. Viva your fake-famial relations. Have I ever told you that Ambrose Bierce was my godfather?

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Re:[2] Motion for Title Change posted by kza

Holy shit, dude—you’re related to Ian Curtis?

Um, no. That was my attempt at heart-tugging propaganda in order to get my way.

And it worked ;-)

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Re: Motion for Title Change posted by Martin

Holy shit, dude—you’re related to Ian Curtis?

Well, motion passes. Joy Division got me through many a long dark night of the teenage soul. Or, maybe it put me there? In any case, motion passes, motion passes.

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Motion for Title Change posted by kza

I move that the title Methane Madness be changed to Atmosphere, in honor of my mom’s uncle’s cousin across the Atlantic, the late Ian Curtis (1956 - 1980).

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Re: Round Seven -- I Forfeit posted by Martin

Sir, I say to you: good try. I know this man well enough to say that if he says he tried, he went down fighting.

For that reason, because my decision was a difficult one to start with, and for a little essaytainment, I hereby declare Methane Madness the winner of this round.

For those of you not following our needlessly complex® rules, this means that I get the Trump Card, which is to assign an essay to Mr. Shockah, 1000 words, one week to finish, on the topic of my choice. I will be playing this card before too long, but for now I say with good cheer that it is time, dear time, to move on to the final heat of this round.

My hat is off to you, Urban Shockah. My hat is off.

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Round Seven -- I Forfeit posted by kza

Nope. Couldn’t do it. I tried, several times, but I simply can’t make a story about a woman trapped in a house work. (And by work, I mean come up with a second act, let alone a third.) I only had three requirements: that it be interesting enough that I’d want to spend time writing it, that it make sense (even if only in a poetic or metaphoric way), and that it be suspenseful. I could get one, sometimes I could get two, but never all three.

I thought I was maybe onto something with my latest idea (which was promising, I thought, because it went in a slightly different direction than what the original concept suggested — think a supernatural version of Primer) but a) I ran out of time, and b) my enthusiasm for it kept waxing and waning. If Rachel, My Dear survives, I’ll keep working on it and share it at some point.

So, it’s all in your hands, Burley.

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Re: [7] Point of Order: Rules Clarification posted by Martin

in my mind, contradicts what you wrote previously about “reneging on the forfeiture”

Sorry if I was unclear. I meant that if you forfeited, and then later came back and wrote your response to Rachel, that would be reneging on the forfeiture and might confuse issues.

No worries, though, we’re on the right path, and your last paragraph and two points are correct. We are ready to move on. So, sir, I say to you: Play or forfeit the round.

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Re: [6] Point of Order: Rules Clarification posted by kza

I guess we’re talking across each other, because this—

As far as I am concerned, we’re still negotiating terms now, so the forfeiture is not officially on the table until terms have been agreed upon. If, when we agree on terms in the abstract (terms which, remember, I myself may become beholden to in the future), you decide to forfeit, then the terms will be enforced. Otherwise, you can decide not to forfeit and forward your ideas on Rachel, if any of this inspires you.

—unless I’m misunderstanding what you just wrote, is what I was arguing for, and in my mind, contradicts what you wrote previously about “reneging on the forfeiture”, hence my last post. Also, I never had anything against the terms of the penalty, merely about when they would be applied — that was my only issue.

So, to be clear:

1. We agree on the penalty for forfeiture, then;

2. I may either continue the battle as normal or forfeit.

And to be clear about your further explanation of the penalty, using this battle as an example: I’m the backer of Methane Madness, and you are the backer of Rachel, My Dear. If I forfeit, then you can either a) choose Rachel, My Dear and we move on to the next battle, or b) choose Methane Madness and you also get a trump card.

Is that correct?

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Re:[5] Point of Order: Rules Clarification posted by Martin

after all, if I knew what the penalties were going in, it’s possible I wouldn’t have forfeited in the first place. Right?

As far as I am concerned, we’re still negotiating terms now, so the forfeiture is not officially on the table until terms have been agreed upon. If, when we agree on terms in the abstract (terms which, remember, I myself may become beholden to in the future), you decide to forfeit, then the terms will be enforced. Otherwise, you can decide not to forfeit and forward your ideas on Rachel, if any of this inspires you.

But, to be very clear, I don’t see picking the winning entry as a reward, I see it as a necessary duty because the forfeiting party has, for whatever reason, given up or felt that they couldn’t continue their explorations. So, my evaluation will be not what do I personally desire, but what will be best for the (in micro) game and (in macro) eventual screenplay. If, for instance, I was to say that Rachel wins because it’s my favorite, then we’re going to run into an issue when Rachel, the winner of a round, goes up against whatever actual winner it goes up against in the next round—one that both of us chose— and you’re going to have to argue for Rachel which, currently, you don’t feel that you can do successfully, and you doubtfully will like as much as the other, which you had a distinct opinion on. So, the choice before me is a devil’s bargain: win and potentially make a weaker game, or give way to the other idea and keep the game strong but suppress my personal wishes to some degree. Since this position was not chosen by me, but awarded me by default by the forfeiting party, then I feel I should have a reward for being put in the position of having to choose.

My personal preference is always to argue it through, but if I have to make the choice and choose one, then I think the party who is taking the easier way out needs the penalty, thus the trump card essay. However, in the spirit of compromise and moving things forward, how about this:

If one party forfeits a round, the other party has the choice of which story to send forward. If the non-forfeiting party picks their own favorite, then the forfeiting party owes nothing more, but only gains a delay in their defense of that idea, for they will have to defend it in the next round. If, however, the non-forfeiting party decides to further the other idea, then they are awarded the trump card, which can be played for an essay.

This addresses both of our issues, I believe, and is excessively needless and potentially strategic. Do you like these terms?

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Re: [4] Point of Order: Rules Clarification posted by kza

Wait, just so I understand this correctly: you want a renegable forfeiture? Sir, I’m afraid I must say that forfeiting is forfeiting, and you accept the penalties. Otherwise, the can of worms is open. I started to give many examples, but then decided that I’d just say this:

Well, let’s be fair: I said I would forfeit, and the penalty would be the “automatic win” of Rachel, My Dear. You said if I forfeit, then the penalty would not be the automatic win, but instead you would get to choose the automatic winner and you would get a “trump card”. Since those are radically different terms, it seems fair that I should be given the chance to avoid these new, agreed upon and binding penalties of forfeiture if possible, as it is fair that I would submit to them if I feel I must, after all is said and done, forfeit. Yes? Or put another way: Just because I forfeit, doesn’t mean that you get to set the penalties and enforce them in one fell swoop — after all, if I knew what the penalties were going in, it’s possible I wouldn’t have forfeited in the first place. Right?

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Re:[3] Point of Order: Rules Clarification posted by Martin

First: TV Shows?

Oops—yes, for those of you who are confused, I accidentally filed my last entry into the category “TV Shows” of which it is obviously not. I am the first to admit that an essay writing TV show would be very boring. I have remedied this by placing this entry into the negative TV shows category, so everything is balanced out.

I only accept it on condition that I may rescind my initial forfeiture and attempt to try again, however futile that attempt may be.

Wait, just so I understand this correctly: you want a renegable forfeiture? Sir, I’m afraid I must say that forfeiting is forfeiting, and you accept the penalties. Otherwise, the can of worms is open. I started to give many examples, but then decided that I’d just say this:

I see the point of the forfeiture not as the forfeited party giving up, but as the other party simply gaining a bit of control. Remember, that should you agree to the terms, I can pick either story I want, so the point of re-writing later may be a moot one. The ability to make you write an essay (of which, I will mention, that I am not sadistic and will choose an appropriate topic intended to challenge, but not frustrate, the writer) may actually be enough payment for me to switch sides and start batting Methane Madness. One will never know until they agree to the terms fully…

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Re: Point of Order: Rules Clarification posted by Martin

I’m torn about this. On one hand, I do want Rachel, My Dear to move forward, and also want to keep the competition moving forward. On the other hand, it seems that the argument is that Rachel should win because you aren’t finding it compelling enough to find your way into it. That tells me that it’s not a good candidate for moving on, since in the next rounds I want the competition to be stiff and full of it. Ideas, that is.

So, thinking about those things, I think we should establish the following rule: forfeiture. You forfeit the round if you feel that you can’t further the story of the disputed work. Forfeiture means that the other player gets to pick which work moves forward, and also receives a trump card.

What does the trump card do? Hmmm, since I’m about to receive one, I should shoot the moon. I think instead I’ll just say this: the trump card can be played at any time to make the other player write an essay. The essay will have to be 1000 words or more on a topic of the trump card holder’s choice written within one week.

If you accept these terms, we’ll move forward, and I will post which story I choose to forward this round.

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Point of Order: Rules Clarification posted by kza

Well, after spending several days on it, I’ve found that I simply can’t come through on my end of the tie-breaker round. Here’s how my Round 7.9 post began:

So, my big problem with Rachel was that, despite the interesting premise and all the notes and discussion on it, I still didn’t feel like I knew what happened in it. What were the Cool Scenes, that you might see in a trailer? How exactly was Rachel confined to the house? Does the house have some freaky supernatural powers, or is it simply constructed in a strange, but logical, manner? Why doesn’t she just break a damn window? There were still so many variables that hadn’t even been penciled in, that it felt like it was in a kind of holding pattern, and it really needs to move forward.

Yet, every attempt I made to come up with some kind of structure, some kind of skeleton that gave me an idea as to what actually happened in the story (i.e. the second act), was met with defeat. While I could’ve simply went with one of my lesser attempts, anyone who knows me knows I’m loathe to put up anything I consider shoddy or uninspired work — especially when the whole point was to give a version of the story that I could get behind. If I put up a version that, ultimately, I think is crap, then that’s a kind of cheating, I think.

The only way to resolve this, as I see it, is to simply move Rachel, My Dear forward, since I failed to adhere to the rules of the game. What say you?

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Round 7.8 [Rachel, My Dear v. Methane Madness] posted by Martin

So, now I have to figure out how I could change Methane Madness to make it more attractive to me than Rachel, My Dear.

Well, as ironic as it sounds (since I usually start broad and get specific), I actually think we’re too broad with Methane Madness. I realize that much of the information was back story, and not intended for the page, but I still feel the need to get myopic on our character. Let me start here by giving him a bio, and a name.

Dr. Zheng James McNab is a scientist doing research on atmosphere, specifically on a new brand of oxygen tank that is refillable through small fissile reactions with methane. These miniature, contained nuclear reactions take place in a pack the size of a hockey puck and fill 30 air tanks or so. This allows workers to stay in the vacuum of space for long periods of time with renewable oxygen. Same for underwater experiences. Zheng gives a talk in which he claims that this process can work on a large scale, terra forming entire planets. He is warned by his bosses to not attempt such a thing, since it is consider too dangerous. But, he knows great rewards would come to him if he could succeed.

He sets up a lab in his home and gets to work, using improvised equipment and occasionally sneaking research into the better funded lab where he works. He knows that if he can complete this item, he will be famous beyond words.

He works tirelessly, but working nights and days has its toll on him, and he starts becoming delusional. During one such event his carelessness sets off a nuclear reaction that reverses the process and changes all the breathable air for a large radius into methane. Zheng, working in the lab with safety equipment, lived through the event, but thousands die. On trial he is sentenced to life on the prison planet, an orr mine ironically located on a methane atmosphere planet.

So, that’s my background. Important points: his motivation is greed and personal acclaim, and we’re not relying on the old “corporation” saw. It also, really, IS his fault. He is a flawed character. Maybe we even make him a bit more evil. Point is, I think it should be clear that his punishment isn’t unfair, per se. Actually, for a twist, it would be kind of fun to portray the government and corporations as kind of good fatherly figures who tried to help him from hurting himself and others, but they failed. Sure, it’s totally unreal, but hey—this IS a fictional world after all.

To sum: if we had a nearly unredeemable character and then a myopic goal that shuns all else, I could start to wrap my head around it. Then, we need some kick ass sub plots to pick it up and make it interesting. Okay—that’s my first stab at it. Dunno if it changes my mind, but it’s a closer vote this way. What say you?

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Re:[2] Round Seven: Rise to Vote, sir! posted by Martin

I feel like these stories have both been described and laid out in great detail, and despite the fact that my preference is to move on to the last round of the first heat, I have to stay true to my desires. I reject Methane Madness. I vote for Rachel, My Dear. Going into the competition it was actually reversed, but the more I dug into the story the more intriguing it got. Creepy, psychological—I don’t think the questions are all answered, but the questions that are being raised interest me far more than Methane Madness.

So, according to rules of play, each of us has to go and give a version of the story that we didn’t vote for that would be acceptable to them, and then we can vote again. So, next up: Round 7.8, 7.9 and then we’ll see where we are. Since you took 7.7, I’ll take 7.8.

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Re: Round Seven: Rise to Vote, sir! posted by kza

Wow, so many mixed feelings about this, about a couple of things. First, we did pretty much reach the end on this one (or at least, I feel like we’re holding back, because one of them is destined for more discussion anyway), but can I say I’ve really enjoyed this round? It felt like, because I didn’t have very strong feelings about either story idea, I could stand back and be somewhat neutral and just enjoy looking at each plot from different angles. It really felt like spitballing, I guess because I felt like I didn’t have to pimp one of the nominees.

(But that could easily change if we vote for different stories!)

And I came to really like both ideas, and it’s a shame that they didn’t lend themselves towards consolidation. I sorta don’t want to vote, because my personal inclination is that I vote when I feel 70/30 about the two nominees, and I’m only at about 55/45 with these two.

But one has to win, and so I’m going to back the one that I feel is the furthest along the development path:

Methane Madness.

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Round Seven: Rise to Vote, sir! posted by Martin

I feel like I’ve gone as far as I can with this one at this point. I move that we call a vote.

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Round 7.7 [Rachel, My Dear v. Methane Madness] posted by kza

Rachel, My Dear
I can see your problem with Rachel-as-architect, but I’m not sure if I like Gabe-as-contractor. (Or maybe I don’t know enough about the biz to know whether that scenario is likely or believable.) But I think what’s clear is that Rachel, whatever she does, needs Tha Skillz to fight the house on an intellectual level as well as a physical one. Is there another job like “architect” that could do the same job?

Maybe when he looks at the house he sees the house Rachel designed, but when she sees the house she sees a nightmare.

Heh — when I read that, it makes me wonder if Rachel isn’t the crazy one. Is there room for that kind of ambiguity (not necessarily through the whole thing — we can still find out at the end that Gabe’s the crazy one) or should it be clear from the outset who’s crazy?

Methane Madness

I’m kind of tired of the “corporation” being evil.

Oh, true dat. Unfortunately, if I were to hold off on posting that background until I had something more original… well, I’d still be writing it. :-)

What if the mistake that killed the people really was his fault?

Actually, what I was trying for with that writeup was something that could be interpreted different ways — he could’ve been framed, but maybe he really was to blame. But I guess that didn’t come through. (Or I guess what you’re saying is that he takes responsibility for it upfront. That’s cool, too.)

I see this like the process in the Spanish Prisoner: MacGuffin.

I didn’t care for that movie, but I hear what you’re saying, and it reminds me of one the better bits, IIRC: Someone (Campbell Scott?) writes a dollar amount on a chalkboard — how much the company stood to gain from his magic process — but all we can see is the dollar sign. That’d be nice if we could get away with that kind of narrative elision with regards to the science experiment.

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Round 7.6 [Rachel, My Dear v. Methane Madness] posted by Martin

Rachel, My Dear

I’m going to get pedantic for a minute here. I really like the idea of Rachel as architect, but one thing bothers me about it: if Rachel were an architect, then she wouldn’t just let her husband build a house for her, she would be involved in it. So, what I suggest to fix this issue is that we make Rachel the architect, and her husband a contractor. They have a deal on this house—she designs whatever she wants with his interference, and he builds it how he wants without her interference. But, her curiosity and his strange behavior drive her to seek out the site and see what’s happening. It’s not at all what she has expected….

I agree with you that Gabe is unaware of his madness. In his mind, he IS building Rachel’s house, and doesn’t understand her strong reaction to his work. Maybe when he looks at the house he sees the house Rachel designed, but when she sees the house she sees a nightmare. Like some of Sacks’ patients, he is deluded without knowing he is deluded.

Methane Madness

I like your take on it, but I’m kind of tired of the “corporation” being evil. I mean, they are, but as a plot point it’s so overused. What if the mistake that killed the people really was his fault? What if his guilt is palpable, and there is no way to clear his name? What if his race to fix the atmosphere on the planet would have no benefit to anybody but himself? I say we set him up as a protagonist with a lot going against him, and then watch him struggle for redemption.

As for the process—I see this like the process in the Spanish Prisoner: MacGuffin. I say we’re deliberately vague about it—or, play it off as a sub atomic radical re-shifting. In any case, if we take this path I will speak to physicists I know to come up with some idea that is far fetched but not absolutely mind numbing, and that we can play off.

This is, at heart, I think a human drama: man against himself.

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Round 7.5 [Rachel, My Dear v. Methane Madness] posted by kza

Rachel, My Dear

Good job with that synopsis — that’s much more interesting than what I could come up with. One thing, though: I think that, if the house is representative of Gabe’s madness both literally and figuratively, then Gabe himself needs to come across as rational and sane as possible — even when (or especially when) dealing with the house. I don’t think Gabe is aware of his madness, in the same way that that guy from the Sacks book isn’t aware that he’s blind. My point being, I don’t want Gabe to be one of those Mu-wah-ha-ha! villains. He’s sick, he’s sad, he’s messed up, but he’s not Fu Manchu or some-frickin’-body. In fact, he probably tries to save her, but is tripped up and consumed by the house (i.e., his madness).

Oh, and great call by Spitball! reader Tippy Canoe: she suggested that Rachel also be an architect, and allow her to architect her way out of her situation. I’m not entirely sure how to implement the idea at this point, but that’s probably because I don’t really know what the house is like. But still, that’s a wonderful idea.

Methane Madness

So lemme toss some spitballs atcha:

In the year 2136, the Earth has begun to colonize space. A primitive form of terraforming has been developed, allowing humans to colonize the various moons, and even some asteroids, of the solar system. The effort is headed up by various competing corporations, looking to mine resources and establish commercial and political dominance on Earth — the governments of which have, over the years, ceded authority to the corporations.

One particular corporation, after a battle waged politically, economically, and militarily, managed to secure a prime area to establish an outpost. The corporation assigned one of their brightest and most ambitious scientists to head up the terraforming project. This scientist had developed some advances in terraforming technology, which, if successful, would cut the time necessary to a few months instead of nearly a year. Although there were some — corporate executives, rival scientists — who doubted the new process would work, the scientist got the go-ahead, and it seemed to work — within months, a livable atmosphere was created.

Then one day, as the third-shift contract miners headed off to work, there was an awful noise that could be heard in every part of the colony, a metallic shriek that seemed to emanate from the terraforming laboratory, quickly followed by a bright flash and then deafening silence. The only survivors were the miners that were deep in the ground and needed special suits to breathe — everyone else in the colony was horribly killed, dying quickly from the vacuum of the now-missing atmosphere.

The scientist (who was off-planet at the time) was taken by the corporation and questioned. An investigation was conducted, and it was discovered that the scientist knew that the catastrophe was a possibility, and was negligent in not revealing this to the corporation. The scientist claimed that he was framed and the lab was sabotaged by a rival corporation, but it didn’t matter — the corporation’s stock plummeted. He was sent to the corporation’s prison planet — a small moon that was the subject of one of the first, failed, terraforming experiments, and surrounded by a poisonous atmosphere. There, he would spend the rest of his days, as an unpaid slave, building little trinkets to export back to the homeworld.

Not exactly original, but I’m trying to lay a groundwork for future development. More importantly, this is, ideally, just background info, more for our sake, and wouldn’t directly appear in the script proper — else what we have is, essentially, the beginning of Dante’s Peak. And nobody wants that :-)

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Round 7.4 [Rachel, My Dear v. Methane Madness] posted by Martin

Rachel, My Dear

I think you’re dead on talking about horror that is really not horror at the base. I see this one differently than you, at this point. I think that this is a story of a mentally disturbed man and his new bride who doesn’t know about his illness until it almost kills her.

I would say something like this: Rachel and Gabe are engaged. Rachel is a partner in a small public relations firm. Gabe is a partner in a small architecture firm. They met, live in the city, but dream of a weekend house out on an island / in woods / nearby but far-enough away. Gabe has been working on a house for Rachel on a tract of land they bought together. Rachel knows this much, but she’s never seen the house and Gabe won’t let her near it. He’s holding it as a surprise for their wedding night.

But Rachel is a go getter, and she’s a little worried about these longs weekends that Gabe has been taking up there. Plus, he’s missing work and really becoming obsessed with this house project. She drives out to the land to get a look herself, and is confronted with a very odd modernist house with almost no windows. It appears to be done. She enters the house, looking for Gabe, whose car was parked outside.

She calls out to him, but can’t find him. She finds a door that appears to lead to a basement, but the stairs go on for an impossibly long time into pitch darkness. The door closes above. She’s trapped. She sets to finding her way out, and eventually finds a way back into the house which no longer has a doorway to the outside. Gabe is there, on the other side of a small window, and is panicked when he sees Rachel. He left the house to see her car and realized that she must be inside, but it’s too late. The door is gone—was it removed? It seems like it was never built in the first place. Rachel is trapped, and he’s sorry—but he’s got to go back to town. He’ll be back. He disappears and darkness is starting to fall. The house is making noises. There is only one flashlight and no lights inside, and only one distant blinking red light outside. What’s a girl to do?

So—that’s where I see it going. The house would be a physical personification of his madness, which as the house gets weirder and weirder would manifest itself in his behavior growing stranger and stranger. Maybe he sees her as a sacrifice to the house? I don’t know, but this is the feeling I’m getting from it. The stairway to no where might be too derivative, though—but I think it’ll give you the idea.

Methand Madness

You raise some very good points about the redemption plot, which I’m keen on making not-hackneyed, and the atmosphere thing. I haven’t figured out the pseudo-science yet, but I largely see it as a McGuffin. The big thing, I think, would be presenting his lab as realistically as possible, given that they are in a controlled environment.

Maybe part of the tension comes from the fact that none of the other prisoners know that he killed everyone, so they are eager to help him at first with his science experiments, but then rebel against him and keep him away from his lab when they find out.

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Round 7.3 [Rachel, My Dear v. Methane Madness] posted by kza

Great post, dude — you made me excited about both ideas. Of course, that just makes things harder, dudn’t it?

Rachel, My Dear
So what I’m hearing is a kind of mash-up between Panic Room and House of Leaves. That’s the kind of candidate I can back. I also like your description of it — it’s very much a horror piece, but one that’s more poetic in nature, like the stories of Arthur Machen.

So while there’s definite weirdness going on in this house — possibly dangerous weirdness, but maybe not — the real conflict here is between Rachel and her fiancé. (This dovetails with a discussion we had, a long time ago on a different blog, about how some of the better horror movies are, at their base, dramas, but the conflict of that drama is turned into a horrific metaphor. See also: Cat People, The Brood.) So that would be my “way in” with this — what is the conflict between these two people, a conflict that could be expressed as a standard drama (like, say, The Squid & The Whale), and how can that conflict be turned, via the house, into something horrific?

So I’ll take an opening shot: Rachel and her fiancé (let’s give him a name, cuz I hate typing that word; let’s call him Gabe.) — Rachel and Gabe move into a new house. They’d been struggling to make ends meet for a long time, both of them working, but just recently he’s come into a lot of money via his job, and their economic status has changed. They’ve found a house that they love, but it’s out in the boonies, and it’s kind of a fixer-upper. Still, it’s summer, the countryside is nice, and they have some time before they have to return to work, so why not live a middle-class dream for a few months?

But it doesn’t go well. It brings up personality conflicts and buried resentments. Gabe thinks that if they put enough work into it, they’ll get through this rough time and be happy, but Rachel is getting more and more disillusioned with the whole thing. But before she can do anything, there’s an accident, and Gabe is seriously injured. He’s hospitalized, and Rachel promises him that she’ll continue the work on the house without him. She goes back to the house, but soon finds that the house has a consciousness, and is keeping her a prisoner for nefarious reasons of its own.

Okay, a little weak — probably because I have a better idea of what I want it to be like in the abstract, but finding the right details for it is eluding me. Maybe it’ll give Burley a better idea.

Methane Madness
Mmmm, good stuff on the protagonist. I like the idea that he killed some people accidentally, and is paying for it both physically (the prison) and mentally (his conscience). Admittedly, the whole redemption angle’s been done to death, and that’s what I’d be more concerned about rather than the re-examination of the prison model (not that that isn’t important, of course.) I think we could find away to either a) do the redemption thing really well, so it isn’t a such a concern, or b) find a way to undermine or deconstruct the redemption plot, but it still seems tough.

Another concern: Why hasn’t anyone else figured out how to change the atmosphere of this planet? (Or have they?) Is it a simple process, and it’s just that no one’s been able to get all the right ingredients together, or is a total mystery, and the protagonist is brilliant enough to see how to do it? (What I’m getting at is not the choice between the two — they’re both fine — but trying to create something believable for either choice. Chemistry aint my strong suit.)

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Round 7.2 [Rachel, My Dear v. Methane Madness] posted by Martin

Rachel, My Dear (Shockah rank: #15, Burley rank: #2)

v.

Methane Madness (Shockah rank: #7, Burley rank: #9)

54-40 OR FIGHT!

Rachel, My Dear
Rachel had it all: a promising new career, loyal friends, and a loving fiancé. But one morning, she wakes up to find it all gone — and discovers herself in a world of brick and glass, imprisoned by an architectural madman. She need only confess her love for him to be free — but Rachel is going to fight back.

Pro
Okay, question one: who did this to her? In my initial reading, I thought that the fiancee does it. Why? That’s a good question. To avoid the admitted problem of the SAW-alikes, I say we not make the person a psycho. I thought one of the reasons Panic Room worked, when it did, was the intersection of the protagonist and antagonists desires, even though they had little to do with each other. It was the intersection of two characters with strong desires that are perfectly blocking each other.

So what if our architect was Rachel’s fiancee, and his madness wasn’t life threatening per se until she blocked his desires some how? What if, for instance, he has uncovered some before unknown connection to another world, and the architecture is built to that (or, a mash-up between the Winchester Mystery House and House of Leaves). Let’s say that it starts out with the classic saw of the architect husband promising the wife a beautiful modern house—and it seems to be at first, until she uncovers some strange things about it….

Now we’re talking fear, tension. Rachel’s desire is to escape the house, but she’s blocked by her husband’s desire to finish the house. Maybe he doesn’t even know that she’s there? Maybe he does, but the capture was not purposeful, but now that she’s in there is no going back.

Now that has great creep potential: the unknown physics, being trapped, a person who is not who you thought they were, and the loss of her dreams.

Con
Well, the Prison Planet thing, of course. Also, we’d have to make sure it’s not too derivative. What new element can we bring to the story to make it seem fresh? Suspense and horror often follow the cookie-cutter formulas, and when you see monsters they look like monsters you expect. I think that’s why Alien was so powerful (despite the Bob Fosse moment—Shockah knows what I’m talking about, and the rest of you can ask me later), the Alien creature was so unique and unlike anything that had been seen to date. But, now, every alien has to have viscous, dripping bile and razor teeth.

Anyway—what’s HR Giger moment for this story? How can we make it unique?

Methane Madness
In a World where stranded humans must guard themselves from a poisonous atmosphere, one scientist finds a process for rendering the air on the planet breathable. The only problem is, the planet is a prison and the guards will kill them all if they found out about the experiments.

Pro
I totally loved your ideas for this—the prisoner being caught outside by the vicious guards. I also love the underground scientist idea, secretly working on something while the meat-headed guards have no clue. I think his crime was involuntary manslaughter on a large scale. Imagine if he was responsible for a gas leak at a laboratory that killed thousands of people in a town. He managed to escape with the help of a gas mask. It was all a mistake, and so his work here is a direct vindication of the event that landed him in prison. He needs to save the prisoners to save himself.

It reminds me of my favorite prison movies, among which some of you might be surprised to learn is the Eastwood classic Escape from Alcatraz. I saw it as a kid, and I will never forget his digging away at the concrete with a spoon.

I also love the elaborate set-ups with prisoners watching over each other, watching for guards. Here’s our protagonist making partnerships with unsavory prisoners who he may morally abhor, but has to create bonds with in order to break out of his prison. And, does he even care about breaking out? If he’s somehow atoning for the deaths he caused, maybe he doesn’t even care about surviving—it’s just about the atmosphere for him. If he can change the atmosphere to breathable, then nobody can ever make the same mistake he did and kill innocent people again.

Con
I haven’t watched Prison Break more than a few times, but I think the refreshing thing about setting this on another planet is it gives us an opportunity to re-examine the model of the prison. It doesn’t have to be traditional. The guards don’t ever need to come into contact with the prisoners. What if one of the guards became a friend of the scientist through radio communication?

But, that means examining our preconceptions about prisons, prisoners and guards. Doesn’t seem undoable, but a tall order to be sure.

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Round Seven [Rachel, My Dear v. Methane Madness] posted by kza

Rachel, My Dear (Shockah rank: #15, Burley rank: #2)

v.

Methane Madness (Shockah rank: #7, Burley rank: #9)

AND THE ANCHORPERSON ON TV GOES LA DEE DA DEE DA…

Rachel, My Dear
Rachel had it all: a promising new career, loyal friends, and a loving fiancé. But one morning, she wakes up to find it all gone — and discovers herself in a world of brick and glass, imprisoned by an architectural madman. She need only confess her love for him to be free — but Rachel is going to fight back.

Pro
The first thing that hits me with this one is, unlike the other ideas, how literally down-to-earth it is. No aliens, no spaceships, no alternate realities, no unusual social systems that have to be built from the ground up, just one woman, one man, one house. (Two lungs, two lips, one tongue…) So there’s definitely an immediacy to this — it doesn’t take a lot of explanation.

It’s also a genre that creeps me out: The House As Prison. (See also: Misery, Intensity.) One of my favorites (which, admittedly, I haven’t seen in years) was a 80s Mary Steenburgen flick called Dead of Winter, where she goes to an audition and ends up being imprisoned in a mansion for reasons she doesn’t understand. (It’s a lot like that bit in Code Unknown, come to think of it.) I’m trying to think why, exactly, this particular kind of story attracts and repulses me in equal measure, thinking that if I knew what made it tick, I could bring that consciously to this story. But I have no idea — it just creeps my shit out.

It might be fun to design this crazy house. Did this “madman” design it solely for the purpose of confining Rachel? Has he done this before, then tire of his “true love”, dispose of the victim, and start over? What kind of ingenious traps does it contain? Is he controlling everything from a safehouse, or does he actually live there somehow? He wants her love — but what does that mean, exactly, and what’s he going to do if he gets it?

Con
Although the Prison Planet connection is kinda weak, that’s not my most pressing con. What I’m most worried about is transcending the genre/setup/expectations. Burley mentioned that he liked this one because it sounded like something David Fincher would give his eyeteeth for (or something like that). I can’t disagree with that — I’d love to see what Fincher would do with this idea, but I’m a little nervous to be the guy to provide the foundation for him to work from. I guess I’m not quite seeing the story here — I see some of the action, but not the story, if you know what I mean. I see lots of opportunities for clever traps and gimmicks and whatnot, but I’m not seeing the opportunity for why I should care.

(On second thought, that might be a low blow — what I’m saying here is that I’m not seeing an interesting character, yet, while I prefer Methane Madness at this point, there’s nothing in that description that suggests an interesting character, either. Why the difference? Simply personal preference? Or something else?)

Another con (but potential pro) is that the godawful Saw series has kinda already staked out this kind of material. Certainly there’s an expectation that this kind of material be grisly in a Roman arena sort of way. But perhaps that’s the signal to try and wrestle this story and its genre away from those without taste and do something interesting and thoughtful with it. But it brings up another difficulty: assuming that Rachel is the only one imprisoned in the house, then we, as an audience, know that whatever she encounters there simply isn’t going to kill her (unless we’re pulling a Psycho). So maintaining tension through, say, the second act looks difficult at this point.

However, I suspect that Burley has a completely different take on this story, and hopefully it’ll alleviate some of my concerns.

Methane Madness
In a World where stranded humans must guard themselves from a poisonous atmosphere, one scientist finds a process for rendering the air on the planet breathable. The only problem is, the planet is a prison and the guards will kill them all if they found out about the experiments.

Pro
Well, I love the idea of a small isolated outpost that has a poisonous atmosphere — so claustrophobic, and threatening to both the prisoners and the guards. I can imagine there’s a scene where the brutal guards institute some frontier justice and throw a prisoner out into the atmosphere, and we get an idea of what this stuff can do to a body. Or worse: the prisoners have to go out into the atmosphere for some kind of work detail, but they have to work fast or else the bad air will eat up their suits, and the guard cruelly close the gates on the last guy for some reason. Oh god, even worse: for kicks, the guards throw a prisoner outside, let the atmosphere have its way, then drag him back in just in time before he dies. (Jesus, where did all that dark stuff come from? :-)

Another thing: Above, I said that the description didn’t suggest an interesting character, but I’m wrong. What’s suggested is that the scientist who thinks he can turn the dangerous atmosphere harmless, is a prisoner. Okay, that’s interesting. What did he do? Kill his wife? Not bury the research his superiors told him to? Conspire to kill Glorious Leader? And did he actually do any of these things, or was he unjustly imprisoned, a la Shawshank Redemption? Regardless, it seems clear to me that he wants to change the atmosphere in order to escape. (Or might there be another reason?)

And so, we have this scenario where the prisoners are figuring out how to escape their prison, but the key to doing it isn’t necessarily carving a tunnel through rock or jumping in the laundry truck but attempting to do a science experiment under the noses of the guards. I think that’s brilliant. Admittedly, the tense scenes they suggest are at heart no different if if the prisoners were trying to hide an escape route in their cell, but the idea that the work being done is intellectual (as opposed to physical) is really interesting to me.

Con
Too similar to “Prison Break”? They’re not on another planet, but there’s some crazy shit on that show. (Also some stupid shit, but that’s mostly confined to the lame-brained lawyer character.) Also, while I see this as a pretty straightforward story… we kinda already have our straightforward story in Time to Die, which also has some (potentially) interesting philosophical/moral angles and a three-sided conflict. This story seems to, as of now, lack these added features.

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Re:[3] Round Six: Rise to Vote, sir posted by kza

Also, I don’t want to totally box us in with a treatment that is the final heat winner.

Ah, once again, I’m not clear. I don’t necessarily see us using either treatment for the final winner. The final winner will have two treatments, and it will be up to us to find a compromise between the two (by either combining them or starting from scratch) to create the final treatment that will be the basis for the first Spitball! script.

But I do think that each treatment should be as detailed as we can make it, within a certain word limit. I think the more info we have, the better choices we can make when it comes to actually writing the screenplay.

But like you said, this is going to need more discussion, so when I get my thoughts together, I’ll post something more comprehensive about how I see us dealing with the winning idea.

Coming up: Round Seven!

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Re:[2] Round Six: Rise to Vote, sir posted by Martin

It cannot be said that Reminiscence did not get its fair trial. I also vote for Time to Die.

In the end, I’m suckered in by the clarity of the action lines, and even though I didn’t totally connect with your version of Reminiscence, to tell the truth I didn’t totally connect with mine either.

This might be scary, but I’m thinking the treatments in the final heat should be at least twice as long, if not longer

I’m open, but I don’t see length as a necessarily great measurement of the expression of the idea. Sometimes, good treatments are dense and hit the high notes in short form. Also, I don’t want to totally box us in with a treatment that is the final heat winner. What I suspect, is that things will become a mixture of both of our ideas. That is, after we pick the winner, I see us re-writing the treatment more than once.

But, we’ve talked a lot about what our process is to get our idea, but maybe now we need to begin the dialog about what happens after we have it? How are we going to approach writing it? What should our process be? I would like to hear if you have any of your so-called needless, but actually fun, rules to impose on us, and let’s see if we can map the process out a bit. That might give me some more specific ideas of how I personally would like to approach the final heat and the treatments we write for it.

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Re: Round Six: Rise to Vote, sir posted by kza

Anyway, I didn’t realize we were doing treatments during this heat!

Yeeeeahhh… Couple things about that:

1. I really had no intention of writing something so long. It was just an idea that I was trying hard to express, and in order to do it justice, it got longer and longer. I’m not particularly proud of the length, and I’m going to try not to do that again for the remainder of the heats. Well, until the last one that is…

2. And yet, I don’t really consider what I wrote to be a treatment. This might be scary, but I’m thinking the treatments in the final heat should be at least twice as long, if not longer. I think they should be detailed enough that we could write a screenplay from them with little difficulty — the only things, really, separating it from a screenplay would be dialogue and whatever “style” we bring to the storytelling. Since I’m sure we’ll be discussing the final heat later on, I’ll explain what I mean by that later.

I’m not totally connecting with yours.

Oh well, I tried! At the very least, the exercise was bracing.

And so, after spending four days laboriously trying to communicate a vision of Reminiscence that I think I could get behind, I rise to vote for….

Time to Die.

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Round Six: Rise to Vote, sir posted by Martin

Clearwater Shockah?

“…and I gave so much more credence to the idea than clearwater Shockah here, that I feel a bit obligated to bring it up again. [i.e., revival]”

Okay—that last bit was a real stretch, but I’m practicing my conspiratorial and hidden word play in hopes we’ll gain some of the Dan Brown market.

Anyway, I didn’t realize we were doing treatments during this heat! A for effort. No, that sounds pejorative—A for achievement, Mr. Shockah. Very good ideas, clearly told. But, like my brief synopsis didn’t bowl you over, I’m not totally connecting with yours. I think we should go to a vote and see what happens. All members rise!

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Round 6.4 [Reminiscence v. Time to Die] posted by kza

Reminiscence (Shockah rank: #13, Burley rank: #3)

v.

Time to Die (Shockah rank: #6, Burley rank: #10)

CATCH THE SPIT!

Clearwater Shockah?

Actually, that story did absolutely nothing for me. :-) And it wasn’t because it was different than my original synopsis. (Well, that’s not entirely true, but my point is, I’m not really married to my concept.) It’s just not really the type of story I want to do, at least for this idea nugget. But I really appreciate the attempt — the marriage of Being There and V for Vendetta was very amusing.

So, rather than be a Scrooge, I guess I should make my own attempt to give this a fair hearing. While you took a more comedic route, I was thinking something more Solaris-y (either version, take your pick). That’s probably kinda cliché, come to think about it, but it’s really all I got right now. (There’s a reason this came in thirteenth!) So let’s try this:

REMINISCENCE

We open on a long white corridor, with a queue of people in it, waiting very patiently, very placidly, for something. At the front of the line is a young man — we’ll call him Tom. Someone calls “next!” and Tom goes into the next room, where some technicians put a visor over his eyes, hit a few buttons, and the visor glows for a second, underneath the lenses, on Tom eyes. Then the technicians remove the visor and Tom is on his way.

Tom has just had his memories dampened. He looks at his hand — imprinted there, as a glowing tattoo, is his necessary information: his name, his job, his address, etc. As he heads back down the corridor, one of the people in line jumps out of the line and grabs Tom. Tom, don’t you remember me? he says. Tom looks at him blankly, then tries to get away from this obvious maniac. As the man paws him further, yelling things incomprehensible to Tom, security guards emerge and take the man away.

Tom resumes his life: his boring job; for entertainment, quick-cut, nonsensical, empty movies that excite the senses (like, say, The Rock); and scheduled sex with another citizen — the powers that be don’t want any lasting emotional attachments, so the sex is impersonal — maybe it’s even done through some kind of screen, and Tom doesn’t even know who he’s fucking. Or maybe there’s a screen between the two, but a videoscreen of a sexy woman (or man) facing each participant, and they think that’s who their partner is. It’s like Two Minutes Hate, only with hardcore action! ;-)

Anyway, that’s Tom’s life. But he has a secret. He keeps finding strange messages etched in out of the way places — at the bottom of his sock drawer, on the back of his medicine cabinet. He figures out that the messages are pointing him towards something. He puts the clues together and finds a secret compartment underneath his bed. He opens it and finds a cache of contraband: photos, comic books, a carved wooden horse, trinkets, all manner of items, each kept because of the memory it evokes. And it all comes back to Tom: his life as a boy, on a Tarkovsky-esque farm with his mother and siblings, enjoying his time with the animals and nature, growing up, his brother carving the little horse for him, taking over the farm when his mom falls ill, mourning when she dies, watching with incomprehension as some oppressive political force takes over the country, watching with incomprehension when they come and take him and separate him from his brothers and sisters.

(We can see these memories in a number of different ways, in different combinations: as oblique, faded Kodak moments; as stand-alone sequences, with the audience given an omniscient view of events; as stand-alone sequences with the adult Tom present, watching with the audience, a la Spider; and/or any other method we can devise.)

So Tom is a criminal — he’s regained memories, which is verboten, and apparently has a stash of mementos (sorry, that’s the best word) to help him remember, which is worse. He tries to go about his daily routine, but the memories haunt him, disrupting his work, making people look at him funny. He misses his mother — he has a vision of her gravestone in a field. He had family — what happened to them? Who was that man that stopped him in the hallway? Were they related? Does he know something about their lives in the past? Does he know where their mom’s gravestone is?

Tom decides to find him and get the answers to this questions. This is difficult in a world where no one really knows anyone else, and life has a pre-programmed quality. He questions his fellow workers about the man and the farm, but just gets blank stares. He deviates from his routine and instead of his usual entertainments, he goes to a bar — but doesn’t realize he’s being followed. The bar patrons, used to having their memories wiped, are big on trading stories, and Tom joins in. Of course, most of the stories are incredibly banal — the people not having a whole of lot of history to draw upon — but when they hear Tom’s story about farms and mothers, they are rapt, some even moved to tears. One of those present, a woman, seems particularly interested — but more like she’s interested in Tom than the story. But no leads are forthcoming, so Tom leaves, but as he steps outside, he’s nabbed by the authorities.

They drag him up to his apartment and force him to reveal the cache of mementos. They take the mementos and destroy them in front of him, and then take him down to the memory-dampening center. They strap him in the chair and leave him to the technicians. He’s terrified of losing his memories, and begs for them to stop. But the glasses go on and the lights glow and that seems to be the end of it.

But instead of the blissed-out expression of someone recently wiped, Tom still looks distressed. The glasses come off, and there’s the woman from the bar, only in technician garb. She releases him and after faking out the authorities as to Tom’s memories, she takes him back to her place. Her name is Arlece and she tells him there’s a whole underground of people like him, that hoard mementos and keep memories alive. Tom figures if the man in the hallway recognized him, then he could be part of this underground. She doesn’t know the man, but wants to help Tom find him. But they check the tattoos on their hands — they only have two days and then Tom and Arlece are scheduled for memory-dampening, and then Tom will forget the man.

The only lead they have are surveillance video of the hallway. Arlece has access, so they sneak in and find it. The next obvious step is to check the database, but they’re chased off before they can do so. But they leave with a holographic image of the man’s face. They take it back to the bar and ask around. One man — we’ll call him the Barfly — tells them that he’s met the man in question, and they follow him back to his place to see stuff he’s picked up from the man. He shows them a “time wristband” that he got from the mysterious man — we recognize it as a digital watch. Tom wants to know more, but before he acquiesces, the Barfly wants to have sex with Arlece. Arlece has no problem with it, but Tom, having come to know and trust Arlece, gets jealous and loses his temper — something that’s never happened before. He attacks the man, getting into a fist fight with him — a very pathetic scene, as neither man really knows how to fight. During the fight, the holographic image gets destroyed. Tom gets the upper hand, and beats him into submission, and, too add insult to injury, Tom takes the watch from the man. Arlece is very concerned about Tom’s violent outburst and his theft of the watch, but opts not to report him.

They go back to his apartment to fix up his scrapes. He’s more interested in the watch, which neither of them have seen before, being used to doing what the tattoo tells them. He stumbles upon the alarm function of the watch, which startles him. Arlece wants to know why he attacked the Barfly, and Tom explains to the best of his ability. Arlece doesn’t understand jealousy (not that Tom really does, either) and thinks maybe it’s best if she leaves. Tom doesn’t want her to leave, but he gets more and more emotional, Arlece gets scared and runs away. He chases after her, but loses her. He returns home and once again examines the watch.

Morning. Arlece appears at his door. She apologizes for running off, and recommits to trying to find the man and unlocking the mysteries of Tom’s memories. The Barfly told them that he used to see the man around the south side of town, so they arrive there. They look for the man, but don’t see him anywhere. Tom and Arlece are pretty much at the end of the line. There’s only a half-hour left until their scheduled memory appointment, and there’s nowhere left to go. And then they see him: The man.

They follow him back to his home, and introduce themselves. He recognizes Tom as his brother. Tom is overjoyed. Unbeknownst to the authorities, the man (whom we’ll call the Scavenger) lives above some kind of forgotten dumping ground, and he’s dug a tunnel beneath the building where he retrieves all sorts of thrown-away items, presumably dumped there long ago by the people in power. Arlece asks the Scavenger if he’s the head of the memory underground, but he has no idea what that is. He simply finds the stuff and gives it to people. He and Tom get to talking about the past, but as the Scavenger goes on, it slowly dawns on Tom, a realization mixed with dread: the Scavenger has a completely different memory of family life. No farm, a father instead of a mother, etc. Before he can really process this, though, the authorities burst in. They get the Scavenger but Tom escapes down into the tunnels. He reaches a dead end, where he finds, on the ground and sticking out of the dirt walls, hundreds of tiny, identical wooden horses — the same kind that he had. What he thought was a unique object to his personal history was actually a mass produced item. It’s likely that hundreds of people have the same horse and have created their own remembered history around it.

Arlece appears behind him. She was working with the authorities all along, using Tom to try and find the Scavenger, and stop the spread of the mementos through the community. Although there is no real underground movement, the last threat to the memory-dampening technology is extinguished, as Tom is led out and the tunnel is destroyed.

For the last time, Tom is taken back to the facility to have his memories taken away from him. But this time he doesn’t yell or try to escape, but goes placidly, almost willingly. Arlece administers the process, and is sad that they’re both going to forget what happened, but she’s resigned to it. The glasses go on.

Tom is back at home. He goes through his routine. He wonders why there are horrible marks on the bottom of his sock drawer and on the back of his medicine cabinet, like something’s been scratched off. He goes to work. Everything is as it was. Then, that night, he goes to bed, but is awoken by a beeping. He looks around the house, trying to find the noise. He finally locates it, coming from an overhead light. He removes the light from the ceiling and inside, within the wall, is the watch he put in there. He flips it over, and scratched on the back is the word “MOM”. He has no idea what this means, but when he goes back to sleep, he’s back on the farm, with his mother and brothers and sisters.

THE END

Okay, so that wasn’t Solaris-y at all. No prison planet, either. And let’s not even get into the countless borrowings from other SF movies — I’m tired enough as it is. But, while there’s (intentionally) a lot of room for expansion, more detail, and more tricksy plot maneuverings, the goal here was to lay out a sequence of logical events that built up to some kind of ending. Anyway, that’s kinda what my idea of Reminiscence could be like.

Note: The preceding synopsis (although in some ways it’s more like a pitch, but we’ll get into that later) was built using the sequence method. I’ll be posting about that next.

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Round 6.3 [Reminiscence v. Time To Die] posted by Martin

Reminiscence (Shockah rank: #13, Burley rank: #3)

v.

Time to Die (Shockah rank: #6, Burley rank: #10)

BEND DOWN AND TOUCH YOUR TOES!

I could/should/might’ve called a vote here, but I decided I wanted to press a bit farther into Reminiscence. Remember? Remember remembering? Both our only fan (it doesn’t have to be this way. You could be a fan too) and I gave so much more credence to the idea than clearwater Shockah here, that I feel a bit obligated to bring it up again.

If you told me “Burl,”

and I’d interrupt. “Don’t call me that. I ain’t a folk singer.”

“Burl,” you’d continue, “you have to write Reminiscence right now.”

“Okay.” I’d say as I broke into a rousing chorus of Big Rock Candy Mountain. (I’m a-goin’ to stay where you sleep all day, Where they hung the jerk who invented work, in the Big Rock Candy Mountains) while thinking of my plan of attack.

It might read like this (umm, this is, at best, a “loose” interpretation of your ‘In a World’. I riffed—forgive me): Our protagonist, a Chauncy Gardener type without the capability to remember anything, stumbles into a secret memory cell, where people gather in dark basements to share contraband from their childhoods. The police bust the party, and our man is mistaken for a member of the group. He is rounded up, and his bemused silence, or pleasant abstract comments madden the detectives interviewing him. They decide he must be the mastermind behind the parties, and subject him to strange procedures designed to find out exactly what his fond memories are. When they fail, and decide that they are being bested by this mastermind, they get a search warrant for his house, but they can’t find out where he lives, because he keeps claiming that he doesn’t live anywhere. The judge holds him in contempt, and they put him in a holding cell.

While there, he is exposed to hardened criminals who do run under ground memory cells. It’s their business. Since he’s no squealer, he is obviously no fan of the coppers, and they write down their address for him to look them up when he’s out of jail. Called in front of the judge and demanded to produce an address of his house, he simply rattles off the address that the hardened criminals gave him.

There, the police find the largest cash of contraband memorabilia ever collected in one place. Our character becomes public enemy number one, and is convicted. One woman, though, believes him and wants to save him. His mother—but, since she hasn’t seen him in many years, she can’t talk about the times they spent together. She goes on talk shows begging on his behalf.

One childhood playmate—a very sweet woman whom our character was always good to—rises up against the system, and starts bombing the government offices with huge pinatas filled with nostalgia. Underground resistance starts up, led by her, while the trial of the century is going on. Our man stands tall—well, kind of dumb and smiling, but the trial goes on in full bluster mode. Violent protest erupts on the street as he is sentenced to life on the prison planet.

And there, he lives, alone and happy in a stark and beautiful land.

Okay—that would be one interpretation. Does that spark anything for you?

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Round 6.2 [Reminiscence v. Time To Die] posted by kza

Reminiscence (Shockah rank: #13, Burley rank: #3)

v.

Time to Die (Shockah rank: #6, Burley rank: #10)

EN GARDE!

Reminiscence
In a world where genetic and social engineering have eliminated violent crime and other offenses, there is only one punishable infraction: Nostalgia. In order to keep the populace in line, the past must be eliminated, keeping everyone in a blissful present-tense existence. But some insist on remembering, collecting and hoarding pieces of the past to keep it alive. Tom was the greatest of all them, blessed and cursed with an eidetic memory. But when he’s betrayed to the authorities, Tom finds himself on the prison planet, forced to find a way to survive, all alone on a harsh — yet beautiful — landscape. Can his knowlege of the past help him, or even save him? Or will he be prey to the predators on the planet, both alien and human?

Con
Oh yes, this one. I remember when I was at the library, staring at that picture of the Robinson Crusoe guy, trying to come up with some kind of idea to fill out my quota. I’d written only the first sentence, except for that last word. So I sat there and let the first absurd thing I could think of pop into my head, and that’s what came out. The rest of it followed, piece by piece, until it looked like there was enough there to call it complete.

I’m not sure why I’m sharing this anecdote, other than to get across the Frankensteinian nature of this idea, and my relative coolness towards it. It’s interesting to me that it’s struck a chord with both you and our only fan. Hopefully I’ll be able to see it from your eyes, but right now, it’s kind of a unwieldy, over-conceptualized mess, with a strange break in the middle: it starts out as a kind of abstract, thinky kind of piece, and then it turns into something physical and brutal. (There’s probably some kind of thematic relevance that can be hashed out of those two halves — in fact, I can see it exciting the Tropical Malady fan — but it’s just incongruous to me right now.)

And Burley, in his opening pro paragraph, outlines for me some of the severe problems of this idea. How the hell would this world work? And how the hell did it even get to this point, where technology to enforce something so unenforceable was created and a government was able to use it without destroying itself and the country?

Pro
And yet, at the same time, I think those last questions are resolvable by simply not answering them — just throwing them out completely. How did the dystopia of THX-1138 come into being? Who the fuck cares? It’s clearly so far into the future that it may as well be a fantasy world of dragons and orcs — it has its own rules, which need to be understood, but how those rules came into being are not necessary for the story to work. So I see this not as “in the distant future” but “in the far, far, really far future”, and taking certain considerations of realism out of the equation entirely.

Another note: Part of this was inspired by my reading of Oliver Sacks’ An Anthropologist on Mars. One of the chapters is about a guy who, in the late 60s, became a Buddhist and joined a temple — and his family discovered too late that he had a brain tumor that a) rendered him blind, b) destroyed his ability to form memories of the present, and c) damaged his metabolism so that he got very fat. He lived in a blissful state of perpetual present, always smiling and happy, and — get this — the tumor also damaged his ability to recognize that he was blind — he thought he could see, even though he clearly couldn’t. So for awhile, he lived in this temple, and the other Buddhists thought (and who can really blame them?) that this young American had attained true nirvana. When he made it to Sacks’ hospital, Sacks figured out that he still had memories of up until the 60s, but anything he was told would fade away, Memento-like, a few minutes later. (There’s a few amazing moments in the account dealing with the passing of the man’s father and a trip to see the Grateful Dead, the man’s favorite group.)

So I was imagining that in this SF world, the population, probably through some kind of technology, is subjected to the something kind of similar, but flip-flopped — there would be a focus on the present (and the future), and the past, anything that would give their lives meaning (apart from the meaning given by the government or whoever) and distract them has to be suppressed. Obviously, this technology or whatever it is isn’t perfect (or is somewhat voluntary), else there wouldn’t be a protagonist nor a story. (I’m thinking of Fahrenheit 451, where the populace seems so quelled that the Firemen don’t seem as necessary.)

I dunno — pretty heady stuff. Too heady?

(And yet, I have no problem with the whole “how do we visualize this” thing. Not because I have the solution — ha! — but because Kubrick once said that he could literally film any written sentence, and if that’s not something worthy of emulation, I don’t know what is.)

Time to Die
In a World where death itself is beaten by genetic regeneration, a guard is killed during a riot on the prison planet. One woman—his wife—faces sure death to retrieve his body in time to bring him back to life. It’s a race against time, with one nearly resourcesless woman willfully fighting like a juggernaut against the prisoners who are holding his body hostage, and the powers that be that think she should just give up. All to simply save the man she loves from eternal death.

Pro
Oh — clarity, clarity, clarity. The clarity of it gets me high as a freakin’ kite. As Burley knows (and as I’ll probably talk about when I write up a post about the sequence method), structure is my big bugaboo, so if I can find an idea with a straightforward structure, I jump all over it. I figure if I can find something with a strong foundation, with plenty of conflict and rising stakes and blah de blah, then I can leave it alone and focus on the cool stuff: characters, atmosphere, visual rhymes, jokes, contrapuntal thematic devices, etc.

(That’s right, when it comes to screenwriting, I’m not a carpenter, I’m an interior decorator. And that applies to regular life as well — anyone who knows me knows I’ve never lifted a hammer in my whole goddam life. But I’m committed to working on that, though. Uh, the screenwriting, that is. Fuck that wood shop shit.)

And I don’t think it needs a villain, either — at least, I don’t think it needs a single villainous “muwah ha ha ” character. Seems like there’s enough neutral, incompatible wants resulting in conflict to keep it going: the woman wants her husband’s body back, the prisoners want to escape and probably want to keep the body as a bargaining chip, the prison authorities want to stomp out the riot any way possible. (And that right there, if I may apply a bit of amateur theory, is what makes for a good script. We usually think of stories as having two conflicting forces, the protag and the antag, and they fight. And there’s a lot of examples of that. But this has three antagonistic forces, each against the other, but with the possibility of two aligning against the other, maybe permanently, probably only temporarily. And it would be interesting to use the structure to explore the various three-way permutations.)

(Heh. I said “three-way”.)

Con
There is the possibility that, if we’re not careful, this could devolve into a pedestrian action flick. (I think we are careful, and having people, er, one thoughtful, caring, considerate person vetting our work helps, but it’s still something to look out for.) And yes, because it’s so straightforward, it probably isn’t as sexy as some of our more outré ideas. But that’s the key for this story idea: embrace it for what it is. This is a “B” Western, no doubt about it. It’s kind of ordinary. We’ve seen it before. It’s mythic, sure, but it borders on cliché. The question is: Will we make it a Boetticher or Mann “B” Western, or will it be one of those forgettable programmers that make up the bulk of the Encore Western channel?

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Re: [4] The Competition: Looking Toward The Future posted by kza

Oh, that’s right — the cheese. Always with the cheese.

Yeah, all right, some sort of discussion about the sequence method is probably in order. I’ll get on that ASAP. Of course, having the books as reference would keep me from making all sorts of blunders, but seeing as someone hasn’t read them yet, I guess I’ll have to make do.

(Seriously, tho, the Howard book is a pretty good read — friendly and conversational where McKee is hectoring.)

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Re: [3] The Competition: Looking Toward The Future posted by Martin

How ya like dem apples?

I like my apples baked into a pie, with a slice of cheddar cheese and all heated up first thing in the morning, thanks for asking.

Oh the ideas—sure, sounds good. For Heat #3 let’s stick with Sequence Method—I should get to know it better. It certainly can’t hurt, but I’ll follow your lead. How about it, then, a post about the sequence method? Interested? I’ll post my version when I read the books finally!

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Re: [2] The Competition: Looking Toward The Future posted by kza

Answers of Clarification (er, hopefully):

Heat #2
I imagined that we’d both write character studies for both competing ideas — so there would be a total of four character studies per battle. I figure the more info to use and work with, the better.

Heat #3
We don’t have to use the Sequence Method here; although I’m more comfortable with it than you, I’m game for anything. All I’m really looking for here is some idea (that will inevitably change) of how the piece is structured. And again, just to be clear, I’m not looking for more than a paragraph, total — I just want a taste, maaaaan.

How ya like dem apples?

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Round Six [Reminiscence v. Time to Die] posted by Martin

Reminiscence (Shokah rank: #13, Burley rank: #3)

v.

Time to Die (Shokah rank: #6, Burley rank: #10)

SET ‘EM UP AND KNOCK ‘EM DOWN!

Reminiscence
In a world where genetic and social engineering have eliminated violent crime and other offenses, there is only one punishable infraction: Nostalgia. In order to keep the populace in line, the past must be eliminated, keeping everyone in a blissful present-tense existence. But some insist on remembering, collecting and hoarding pieces of the past to keep it alive. Tom was the greatest of all them, blessed and cursed with an eidetic memory. But when he’s betrayed to the authorities, Tom finds himself on the prison planet, forced to find a way to survive, all alone on a harsh — yet beautiful — landscape. Can his knowlege of the past help him, or even save him? Or will he be prey to the predators on the planet, both alien and human?

Pro
Did I say our last idea was Dickian? Wow. PK in da house.

How do you eliminate memory? Is it a mechanical process, or is it an external thing—like you can’t sell old music, that might trigger memories, or perfumes and scents need to be cycled every 10 years, without repetition within a 100 years span? The older one gets, the more risky the proposition of falling back on memory, so in that sense the young would be heralded. Logan’s run!

So—the punishment from nostalgia, in this case, could be for people acting retro or making public displays that could trigger memories. The police would have to investigate, with the idea that they don’t want someone to come up and remind people of the past. Of course, then, you’d have secret memory parties, where people talk about the past, and maybe someone has smuggled a scent from years ago that everyone remembers.

Of course, this would be pretty impractical for the government to do, unless they gave people a big reason to switch. There is the big stick approach—banishment—but it would have to have some positive reinforcement too. One of the creepiest things about our modern world is the way that government—unlike the predictions of Orwell or Dick—may be draconian in some ways, but it does so with a big smiling face, and a thumbs up grin. It uses positive key words, and admonishes the press for being pessimistic about items the administration wants to control the message on. In other words, it’s not all double-plus-good, it’s No Child Left Behind.

Con
But again, we’re fronted with a serious issue: How the hell do you show something from inside a persons head? It’s true his memory is visual—that’s good—and I can see scenes of overlaying his memory / visualizations with the reality, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy to spell out in purely visual terms.

Also, it reminds me a bit of the Monty Python sketch from Holy Grail where all the son wants to do is sing. The son, in this case, is the dude, and the government would be the dad wanting to marry him off and inherit the swamp kingdom.

Time to Die
In a World where death itself is beaten by genetic regeneration, a guard is killed during a riot on the prison planet. One woman—his wife—faces sure death to retrieve his body in time to bring him back to life. It’s a race against time, with one nearly resourcesless woman willfully fighting like a juggernaut against the prisoners who are holding his body hostage, and the powers that be that think she should just give up. All to simply save the man she loves from eternal death.

Pro

I like the clarity of the situation. This too is Besterian, in that here’s a character with one goal: get her husband’s body back in time to rejuvenate him, and one big problem: it’s millions of miles away on a Prison Planet under the control of the prisoners. No matter how we dress it up, this story is all about two-steps forward, one-step back, and a few impossible hurdles she manages to overcome. Along the way will be people who support her, people who think she’s crazy and dangerous (say, the people who run the prison planet), and people who care about her personally but want her to just accept that he is dead (say, an ex lover who wants her for himself?). When she reaches the prison planet, how will she get the body back from the violent felons? One goal, one strong protag, lots of blocks. Very straightforward.

Con
Could be too formulaic. We’d need a strong villian—probably a prisoner—but none is lending themselves to me right now. The trick in a film like this would be to find those moments that inscribe values and interest into a character, and make her real and three dimensional, instead of cookie cutter. Otherwise, she’s just a paper cut out of an action heroine.

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Re: The Competition: Looking Toward The Future posted by Martin

I accept your joyfully needlessly complex rules, Shockah, but I have a few questions of clarification.

Heat #2
Do we both create character studies for each piece, or only the pieces that are our favorites? I would say yes. Otherwise, I accept your rules.

Heat #3
We can create this, but I’m still not settled with the Sequence Method. Then again, I’m not really settled with McKee’s method, or Goldman’s method, or any method per se. The only method I’m comfortable with is my own person Cricket method, and I haven’t invented it yet, so the Sequence Method is fine, but you might have to give me an overview. Matter of fact, I think it would make some interesting posts to do overviews of methods, what we think of them, and what their strengths and weaknesses are. I certainly have a lot to say on the matter, and I know you would too.

Oh—but, again—I’m assuming we both write about the supporting characters and the method breakdowns for each work?

Heat #4
I have no questions about this heat. This heat is hot. It’s hot hot heat.

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Re: Motion for Consolidation [The Infected v. If It Pleases The Court] posted by Martin

Yea, I second the motion. Motion passed.

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Motion for Consolidation [The Infected v. If It Pleases The Court] posted by kza

And now I’m thinking: why have drugs, when you can have hallucinatory telepathy? (And I’m also thinking of a world not unlike Bester’s The Stars, My Destination — super-privacy, not because of teleportation, but because of telepathy.)

I, Urban Shockah, move that we combine The Infected and If It Pleases The Court into a new story idea entitled Terminal Connection.

What say you, Burley — yea or nay?

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Round 5.4 [The Infected v. If it Pleases the Court] posted by Martin

Terminal Connection! Yeah! I’m on board with that. A great title, sir.

I like the idea of the drugs and the terrors of isolation. There’s a lot of fertile ground there. And, just to be totally crazy—what if there was a little of The Infected thrown in? Terrorism would be one reason to retreat, but imagine terrorism combined with telepathy? How could you have a fair trial if everybody in the court could read your mind?

Maybe we don’t stand to vote here, but stand to combine the two ideas to birth a new one. In title math: The Infected + If it Pleases the Court = Terminal Connection.

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Round 5.3 [The Infected v. If It Pleases The Court] posted by kza

Note: think of this as having been cut & pasted over the original entry for If It Pleases The Court.

First, thanks for clarifying IIPTC — I think you pretty much swept my cons right over the edge, and now they’re falling, forever falling, without end…

And yeah, now that I get it, it’s very Dick. All it needs now is a drug trip. And in this future world, where it seems like human contact is a rare and wondrous (?) thing, I can see how turning to Chew-Z and Perky Pat dolls might be a legitimate option. (Oh My Friggin’ God, I would so love to have the rights to The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch. That would be awesome.) So while the plot of this one is interesting, what gets me is how potentially scary it is — not scary in a horror sense, really, but scary in a Todd Haynes-Safe kind of way. People are isolated, cuz who knows? — the next door neighbor could be a terrorist! I mean, they’ve been known to blow up stuff, and the computer/TV says it’s terrorists, so it must be true. Better to stay inside, and do all business that way. And if that means running trials via double-blind terminal connections (hey, there’s your hacky title right there: Terminal Connection!) to ensure that there’s no bias, then dammit, that’s what we’ll do. And if I’m going to spend most of my days inside, then I’m gonna pop some pills that give me a hallucinogenic virtual reality, by gum. I don’t know why, exactly, the woman doesn’t know her husband is on trial, but I can totally see it happening nonetheless. I think a more important question is: how does she find out it is her husband?

So yeah, this is a great idea. And to be honest, it brings out the lover of tricks and gimmicks in me, as well. When knowledge (both what the character knows and what we know as an audience) is scarce, there’s lots of Memento-style games that can be played. And since I know you’re a fan of Mamet and con games, I’d think you’d try and bring some o’ dat to the party.

The pitfall of that, of course, is to become so enamored of the games that the characters, the drama, the humanity of the piece is lost. I don’t think that’s something we have to worry about too much — if anything, I think we sometimes skew too much the other way, if anyone can believe that — but it is something to look out for. And creating a world like this would be easy if we didn’t care if it was plausible or sensical — but I know we do care about that, so this will be another difficulty. (Or put another way, it’ll require using some of those Outside > In skills.) But there just seems to be so much potential for some really cool Yellow-esque scenes, that I don’t care.

I suppose I should write a spirited defense of The Infected, but the spirit does not move me. Maybe next entry, if the opportunity is still there.

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Round 5.2 [The Infected v. If it Pleases the Court] posted by Martin

The Infected (Shockah rank: #10, Burley rank: #4)

v.

If It Pleases The Court (Shockah rank: #5, Burley rank: #2)

GIVE ME ONE FOR THE GIPPER…

The Infected
In a world where telepathy is a disease and the infected are prisoners, one woman will discover a shocking truth that could change everything… but on a world where a mind can be read as easily as opening a book, how can any secret be safe?

Pro:
I love that idea of a world where everybody knows what you think. To be honest, sometimes I like to pretend that I live in a world where everybody can hear my thoughts. And then, say, that woman who is on the bus and looks at me funny, I tell her what for in my head. Sure she doesn’t turn to look, but I know she can hear me…

Um, anyway—I think all of us at one time or another have played that little game. Sad are the people for whom it becomes a reality, but I have yet been able to avoid that problem.

Like you, I see that challenge of creating the rules and regulations of the world as a welcome challenge—because reading Bester I realized that it really is okay to set some hard limits on these sorts of things. I mean, just because telepathy is everywhere, doesn’t mean that there can’t be some kind of limitations. Those limitations, which could be really fun to explore, are the crux of the story. And, I suspect, where the clever protag will be able to find her way through the seemingly impenetrable maze.

Con:
Sadly, this one suffers from being one of the first, and therefore not drawn out. We got more elaborate as we went, but I think this one needs some more detail to really pull it into contender status, for me. But the idea was so strong that I placed it on my list (pretty high, too) because i think it had a really fascinating premise. Gimme a bit more, and we can really chew on this one.

And, also as reported by you, I would have to think of a way to show visual telepathy. I mean, if Lynch couldn’t visualize it effectively…

If It Pleases The Court
In a World where crimes are judged and juried by encrypted, anonymous computer terminals, one jury foreman doesn’t realize that the man she’s arguing so strongly should be committed to the Prison Planet for life is actually her husband—and the crime he’s accused of—but hasn’t committed yet—is murdering her.

Before I dig into this one, I should clarify the scenario a bit. When I say “anonymous computer terminals” in my “In a World…” I didn’t mean computers would do the work—and I especially don’t mean that computers can predict the future—, I meant that people would be sitting at anonymous terminals—like the dumb terminals that used to connect to computer servers. Like my brain sometimes connects to my body.

Say, for instance, that a series of terrorist attacks stopped centralized gatherings of government. All business is conducted from remote locations. Juries are selected of anonymous people, who work at anonymous terminals and judge ongoing cases. But, it’s all double blind. There is no live video feed, no man-facing-his-accusers in a courtroom—just facts on a screen. Maybe those facts are video of the lawyers, but maybe it’s distorted voices. This seems bad, but it could also be an overzealous way of disallowing race, gender or ethnicity to enter into a juries decision. They can’t let a convict charm them, and they won’t be affected by threats.

In any case, this jury would be led by a woman—who, incidentally, nobody would know is a woman or what race she is—and the accused would be her husband. Is it a glitch in the system, or is it a set-up?

Pro:
You say Bester, I say Dick. Phillip K, of course. I think this is the most Dickian idea that we’ve come up with (which reminds me of a story. I had a friend who worked here in Seattle at Dicks’ Burgers. Dick’s is to Seattle what In-and-Out is to SoCal, although much smaller—there are only 5 locations or so. At Dick’s, you don’t get it how you want it, you get it how they give it to you. People used to say to him “Why can’t I have it without mustard?” His reply? “Because we’re Dick’s).

I love the logical loops and issues this brings up, and the challenge of it seems engaging to me. Not only that, but I think there’s room here for real human drama. Where is this woman’s husband? Why isn’t he by her side, and how doesn’t she know that he’s on trial? Well, maybe in a land where trials are secret, people can really keep secrets. Incidentally, there’s another reason for secrecy in the proceedings: innocent until proven guilty.

This idea originally came to my head quite a while ago as a father v. son story, and it was much more complex. I like this straighter moral drama, and the issues it can pull up. About her, about the husband, and questioning a system that seems both very right and very wrong.

Con:
Well, there’s the whole we-ain’t-Phil-Dick thing. It’s a complex story at best, and a difficult one any way you slice it. And, I confess, only tenuously connected to the Prison Planet.

Well, those may be run-of-the-mill Spitball! excuses, but I stand by them.

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Round Five [The Infected v. If It Pleases the Court] posted by kza

The Infected (Shockah rank: #10, Burley rank: #4)

v.

If It Pleases The Court (Shockah rank: #5, Burley rank: #2)

UP AND AT THEM!

The Infected
In a world where telepathy is a disease and the infected are prisoners, one woman will discover a shocking truth that could change everything… but on a world where a mind can be read as easily as opening a book, how can any secret be safe?

Pro:

Ah — in some ways, the very first Prison Planet scenario, and one clearly inspired by Bester. This could be a lot of fun, designing both how the telepathy works and how its transmitted, along with an history of how the telepathy came into being, how it affected the world, and what was done about it. Some ideas were already thrown into the ring regarding this; I suggest late-comers try here and here.

And, as Burley’s mentioned, trying to show telepathy in a visual medium like film is really hard. At worst, it comes across as really silly (see also: Dune, Phantasm II.) But rather than see this as a con, I, foolishly, welcome the challenge. I think it would be fun to find a different way to represent telepathy, and while some of my ideas toward that may end up looking just as foolish as breathy voiceovers over a picture of Kyle Maclachlan, hey, at least I’ll have tried.

Con:

Like a lot of these ideas, I had no idea what the “shocking truth” was when I wrote it, and I still don’t. No real character, either — who is this woman? What does she do, and what does she want? Is she a telepath? Is she tempted at some point to infect herself for some goal? And who are the antagonists, exactly? Right now, they could be nearly anyone or anything. This is one of the first “In A Worlds” created, and so naturally it’s much lighter than the later ones, but it’s still awfully, awfully thin.

I also don’t have a sense as to what kind of story this is. Unlike, say, the idea below, which suggests at least two ways the story could be presented, this one, right now, suggests every kind of story, or in other words, none. And while, yeah, I am talking about that bugaboo “genre” to some degree, to another degree I’m not. If I were to walk into a theater, what kind of movie would I expect to see? Or, what kind of movie would I expect to see after watching the first fifteen minutes? Is it a brainy drama? A brainy action movie? Is it wide-ranging, like Altman or Sayles? Is it intensely focused, like Peckinpah or McTiernan? Is it somehow both, like Kubrick? Is it quirky as hell, like P.T. Anderson or David O. Russell? I don’t feel like I know enough to move into any sort of direction. (And if I had some idea, I’d throw ‘em up here, but I don’t.)

If It Pleases The Court
In a World where crimes are judged and juried by encrypted, anonymous computer terminals, one jury foreman doesn’t realize that the man she’s arguing so strongly should be committed to the Prison Planet for life is actually her husband—and the crime he’s accused of—but hasn’t committed yet—is murdering her.

Pro:

This is also very, very Bester, so of course, it makes me very, very interested. What kind of movie is it, though? It could be a courtroom drama, kept to a couple rooms, with the SF aspect being less visual and more verbal. In other words, I can see it where this synopsis represents 70-90% of the story. But I’d prefer to open it way the hell up, like Bester does, eventually, with The Demolished Man — I foresee that the outcome of the trial being the end of the second act, with the woman deciding that she wants to rescue her husband from the prison planet — even if that means that he may murder her. I’d also want some kind of B plot running through this, some kind of counterpoint to the main story — I don’t know what yet, but I’m sure that wouldn’t be hard. (Well, the obvious thing to do with B plots is to run the A plot but with a different outcome — so here, a character that doesn’t fight the power structure and allows a loved one to die, and is either happy with it or it destroys his soul.)

I can also see how this could dovetail with modern issues like The War on Terror/Abu Ghraib/Sanctioned Torture. A world like this would probably be pretty peaceful… but at what cost?!!?!? And in this situation, how does one fight against the system? Our proposed plot suggests that love is the motivating factor, which would be interesting, if potentially schmaltzy — in a world where all opposing political power has been crushed, it’s funny that something subtle and ineffable as love would be the random factor that could destroy the status quo. Maybe not the best idea, but it’s something.

Con:
But then, the set-up raises up a whole slew of questions, don’t it? How did we get a justice system run by computers? Why do the computers have human juries? (The original idea says the computers are judge and jury, but we have a human foreman — I’m assuming the first part of the idea is a typo.) How is that the computers can foresee the future? (Or can they?) If they can see the future and presumably it’s true, why do they have trials? (There were no trials in Minority Report.) How is it this woman is not informed of the future crime against her?

I think there’s a theory of time and a history of this world that can answer all of these questions, but at the same time, that’s a tall order — most stories only have to deal with one or the other. Is this something we want to tackle, or is it a bit too big for this project?

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Re:[5] Round Four: Rise and Vote, gentlemen and scoundrals posted by Martin

Did I call you out?

No, you didn’t—I don’t think you had a problem with it, but some readers did, and also I think some people made comments during a live reading we had, although I’d have to dig through my notes to remember. But since we’re talking about this more, I thought I’d dig up the scene and put it out there, let people judge for themselves. It was longer originally, but got shortened when for the version that was actually submitted.

To me, the interesting thing was that people seemed to take issue with a white guy writing a black guy doing something that lots of black guys do—talking about hip-hop. But, just because lots of black guys do it doesn’t mean that all black guys do it, and therefore it’s potentially a stereotype. To our credit, this same character also did a mean Groucho Marx impersonation, so he was far from stereotypical.

In this scene, set at the fictional Bierce Academy of Visual Arts, the three characters are students: David, the black character, a painter, Bernardo, a jazz pianist from Italy, and Sharpe, a “doll revolutionary” — a bit of a full-of-himself rube and Bernardo’s roommate.

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Re:[4] Round Four: Rise and Vote, gentlemen and scoundrels posted by kza

Good post, and it reminds me of a discussion that happened between some professional screenwriters, a few months back. I’m pretty sure the order goes like this:

1. Alex Epstein

2. Craig Mazin

3. John August

And of course, there’s plenty of interesting comments underneath each entry.

Also: You got called out on the hiphop/jazz scene? I don’t remember that. Did I call you out? If I didn’t like it, I suspect it had more to do with a digression in a script that was already full of digressions. But the content of it — I remember it being solid, and no different than what, say, Robert Christgau or Charles Aaron might say. Huh.

One character in Radio Golf was a carpenter. I see him and think of Jacob Lawrence’s paintings of carpenters and tools as emblematic and metaphoric of the black experience in America. Knowing this—and seeing some threads through an African American experience—does it make me any more culturally aware than other white people? Just because I know this doesn’t mean I know what it’s like to be a black guy, with all the cultural pressures from both white people and black people. If I wrote a black carpenter into a story, could it be an ode, or would it be a callous attempt to bridge a gap that is really unbridgeable?

In one draft of YELLOW (our Project Greenlight entry) we had a black character, and tried to give him some authenticity. In one scene that I wrote, this character David was trying to explain hip-hop to a jazz student who didn’t get it. I got completely called out by every body who read it. It could be that the scene sucked, but I don’t think we’ll ever know because the idea of a white guy writing a black guy talking about hip-hop made the readers way too uncomfortable to even give it a fair reading. I personally thought that I did a good job of it, but then so would a totally ignorant guy having the same experience.

On the other hand, Shockah and I specifically avoided giving any characters race in another draft. Is that better or worse? It’s relying people’s abilities to see past cultural assumptions when they read it, but if we cast a black guy as a character that wasn’t written as a black guy, is that actually a bit worse since we could have given him some cultural queues that would make him more authentic? Or, do we draw the character loose enough that the actor can bring those to the table?

And then you have the damn-the-torpedoes attitude based on crunchy idealism that says “I’m going to do it because it’s right, and damn the cultural issues!” Which, essentially, is what this recent blog entry on the Huffington Post says. I can’t say I disagree with her, but her whole attitude is downright annoying and unrealistic. Race and identity are nuanced, and a perky we-can-do-it-for-equality attitude doesn’t really get you so far. Just ask the some serious film fans (I’m a lightweight compared to those around me, but I’m happy to be in their learned company) what they thought of Crash.

In the end, I think the best we can do is raise some of these issues as best we can, and hope that it reads well from both sides of the issue. That we’re neither racist, nor pandering to the mainstream, nor being insensitive, nor too culturally aware, nor too culturally unaware, nor…well, they go on forever. But, in this case, to write about a Chinese ruled America, we’d have some serious research to do.

Because if we didn’t, it would be like the standing ovation at tonight’s performance of a great cast in a great play on an off night by white audience. A standing ovation of guilt. If I don’t stand, will they think I disapproved of the play and think I’m racist? And if I don’t write this character correctly, will they think that I [fill in the blank]?

Until we can rid ourselves of those voices, we won’t be ready to write it and do it justice. Until then, Chimerica is Chelved.

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Re:[3] Round Four: Rise and Vote, gentlemen and scoundrels posted by Martin

I wanted to post a few more notes about this short, but interesting, round. The way I see it, we had two very strong choices, and in the end we chose one over the other because it was much less daunting. We both agreed, I think, that Chimerica would have been dirt cool, but would have taken a level of cultural knowledge and sophistication that we either lack, or were daunted by the research.

I was thinking about that tonight, as I went to see a production of August Wilson’s Radio Golf. Wilson was a Seattle writer who wrote a 10 play cycle, each one about the African American experience during a decade of the 20th century. Radio Golf—the play set in the ’90s— deals with a good man, trying to do the right thing in the face of moral odds. He’s not caught by his own dirty pool, or caught trying to pull a fast one, but when circumstances he can’t control make lemons, he turns on the juice press. Well, at least until somebody tries to cut the electricity.

This, of course, an amazing play (although tonight’s performance was just off a notch—a great cast doing a great play on an okay night), that serendipitously speaks to exactly what we were facing. That is, writing racial identity authentically. August Wilson was a black man writing about black issues, but writing about histories he himself didn’t live. He didn’t live the black experience of the 1920s, but he wrote about them (ostensibly—I’m a bit shy to say that this is the first of his works I’ve seen) from a cultural understanding. Is it less authentic if he wrote about white characters? Is it less authentic if Shockah and I wrote about black characters?

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Re:[2] Round Four: Rise and Vote, gentlemen and scoundrels posted by Martin

Yeah. The Atheist.

More on that later. 4 for 4 we are!

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Re: Round Four: Rise and Vote, gentlemen and scoundrels posted by kza

No need to apologize, sir. I was ready for this one before it began. (There’s one coming up that’s like that, too.)

I, Urban Shockah, the ever-lovin’ mic rockah, vote for:

The Atheist.

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Round Four: Rise and Vote, gentlemen and scoundrels posted by Martin

At the risk of feeling like when I’m leading we go to vote fast, I think we’re ready to roll on this one. Urban Shockah—stand up and declare your intention. Rise to vote, sir.

Heat #2 (8 stories, 4 battles): While we could keep the matchup chart the way it has been (so, in other words, Rasputin would take on La Commune Planet in this heat), I thought, “why not just randomize it again?” I suggest that the I take the winners of the first four battles (since they included my Top 4 selections, even though they didn’t all make it) and you would take the bottom four (which had your Top 4 selections) and we’d order them, #1-4, and I’d match my #1 vs. your #4, and on up the line, until your #1 was battling against my #4. In fewer words, just like how we did it in heat #1.

The other looming issue is the adding of additional info to the story ideas. Clearly, some have been thought-out better than others, and some (the ones that fight the longest) have more info attached to them — but that shouldn’t necessarily be an advantage. (Or put another way, there should be some attempt to level the field a bit.) I propose that for this and the other heats, there should be some other requirements for the battle, other than the usual Pro/Con discussions.

For heat #2, I think the new requirement should be a description, preferably somewhat lengthy, of a main character. What do I mean by lengthy? I’m not entirely sure, but I’m thinking about one single-spaced page worth. (Too much? Too little?) And the character bio should, actually, not be about the plot of the story so much — that can come later. Instead, it should probably cover everything up until the story starts.

Heat #3 (4 stories, 2 battles): Along with the usual Pro/Con debates, and any other discussion about the characters that were created in the previous heat, we will also include a very brief plot outline, using the principles of the Sequence Method: a couple sentences for each sequence, and a couple sentences for the Point of Attack, Predicament, Main Tension, Point of No Return, First & Second Culminations, Third Act Twist/Tension, and Resolution.

Also: maybe this is where we detail some of the supporting characters as well. Perhaps not a page, but a couple paragraphs apiece. Or is that too much for this stage?

Heat #4 (2 stories, 1 battle): For the final battle, each of us will compose a lengthy and detailed treatment for each story — I’m thinking about 3 single-spaced pages worth. The treatment will cover the entire plot, in as much detail as is necessary to communicate both the actions and the atmosphere of the story. (Since these posts will no doubt be long, it should probably be one post per treatment.)

Anyway, that’s kind of what I was thinking. Suggestions?

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The Competition: Looking Toward The Future posted by kza

Seeing’s how we’re about half-way through the first heat of the competition, I thought it might be a good idea to look ahead and see if there’s anything we want to change for the next three heats. I had a few ideas — tell me whatcha think.

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Round 4.2 [Chimerica v. The Atheist] posted by kza

Chimerica (Shockah rank: #4, Burley rank: #5)

v.

The Atheist (Shockah rank: #4, Burley rank: #1)

C30, C60, C90, GO!

Remember when I said I wasn’t going to look at Burley’s entry before I wrote my own? Well, I already fucked that up. I got wind that Burley put up a new post, and was so excited that I jumped in and read it before I realized I said I wasn’t gonna. Turns out my excitement was justified — it was a great post that really got to the heart of both ideas.

Chimerica
In a world almost exactly like our own, America has lost its place as the prime superpower, and China has taken over. Chinese language and customs have been absorbed into American culture, and have irrevocably changed the face of the country. The cold war between China and India is heating up, and when a terrorist act is committed on Chinese soil, the culprits are traced back to America. China puts a lockdown on America, sending in troops to root out the terrorist cells and throwing the country into a state of emergency. One family will witness everything, from the beginning of the invasion to the terrifying aftermath, and will try to hold onto one another as everything they hold dear.

Pros:
True story: I didn’t realize the pun in the name until several hours after writing the blurb. But of course, once I saw it, I realized that the idea of a chimera, an illusion, had to be a key theme of the story.

Anyway, this, or something like this, needs to be written. I can’t think of a better way of dealing with, and expressing my anger and frustration with the Faux News, jingoistic side of America that dominates the discourse. It’s also our only “alternate reality” idea, and I like those a lot.

Oh, and because Burley requested it (and this another off-the-top-o’-my-head deals): intro of Chimerica > intro of our main character, a family man who’s just lost his job > his wife has a business that deals with the Chinese (clear rip of Dick’s The Man in the High Castle — of course, the same could be said of the idea in toto) > his daughter is studying in China, and is dating the son of an important official > daughter is under pressure to keep the sordid details of her family hidden; she could marry this guy and pull the family out of the hole they’re in > his son, 17 or so, is distant to him > terrorist attack on Beijing > family man suspects oldest son of being in a terrorist cell > wife’s business suffers > daughter’s relationship suffers > man can’t find job > Chinese invasion of America > there’s a curfew > there’s violence on the streets > family man discovers that son really is in a terrorist cell > family man could turn son into the authorities > decides not to > daughter, in order to salvage relationship, turns in the son > but the son’s cell goes through with plot > Chinese respond with a nuke > The End. (oh, and > wife something something, in the middle there, somewhere.)

Cons:
My god, this would be fucking hard. The sheer amount of research just to make it even remotely plausible is intimidating, to say the least. I’m not against research — although I think research should be primarily about making the characters seem true-to-life — but in this case, the setting itself is a kind of character (in that you’d have to explain it like you would a character, unlike, say, a story that takes place in modern day, where it could be taken for granted) and I don’t even know where I’d begin. Burley at least has a smattering of knowledge about Chinese culture — I know nutzink.

I also see this as (despite my quickie plot, above) kind of a multi-character piece, not so much like Altman, but something like Traffic — we’d need to see a couple different stratas of characters, and I think it would be important to have at least one character be Chinese, so we could see this world from their eyes. I’m considering this a con because it seems more difficult to do than the traditional “one protagonist” kind of story, even though it would be super-cool to pull off.

But mostly, what my quickie plot reveals to me is that this is the ultimate Outside > In script — any conception of characters seem pointless if we don’t have a concrete idea of what the world is. Clearly, this makes me uncomfortable :-)

Inna final analysis, I don’t think I’m ready to write a script like this.

The Atheist
In a world devout to an all powerful god, one man uncovers exposes an unspeakable truth: their planet wasn’t carved by a deity, it was created to hold the most dangerous prisoners in the galaxy: their ancestors. What crime is so unspeakable that not only you will be punished for committing it, but all of your heirs will as well? And what happens when you find out that your captors are still watching your every move?

Pros:
What’s cool about this is that there’s the possibility of doing a SF story where there are no obvious SF visual markers — if you turned the sound down, it’d look like a drama. Call it Ingmar Bergman’s Contact. Or Ingmar Bergman’s Independence Day. (Did I hear the sound of heads exploding, out there in the Internet?) Except maybe at the end. I suppose there has to be an confrontation at the end between the protagonist and the aliens, just so we know what the truth of the matter is — but for the most part, it seems to me like a story that’s about one guy on a quest, and how that quest affects his relationship to his family, his society, and his sense of self. What’s funny to me is that while, on some level it is a skewering, on another level, all the old myths, legends, and creation stories are true — just not in a way that the true believers thought. We’re all the ancestors of intergalactic prisoners, and are condemned because of them? Sounds like original sin to me. I’m thinking he starts as a hardcore atheist, but comes across the truth of the situation, which puts him in a weird place, antithetical with both his fellow atheists and the followers of the various religions.

So yeah, to me, this is a “Dark Night of the Soul” kind of story, with an SF twist. (Note to self: should probably rent Bergman’s Winter Light post-haste.)

Another thought: maybe it isn’t important what the crime is. Maybe, this being aliens and all, maybe it’s something that’s simply not possible for humans to comprehend.

Another thought: it’s possible that our whole premise is actually a pull-the-rug-out-from-the-audience plot twist, not unlike, say, The Rapture.

Cons:
Still needs a character, still needs some kind of plot, some sequence of events to put the character through — but I’m not that worried. The biggest problem, I think, is how to present the evidence of the Earth’s true nature. And why is it that this one guy is privy to the truth, but no one else is? (The idea of evolution/mutation is a great one, and could possibly provide a clue.) Is the truth archaeology-based? Messages from space on a computer? Does the protag have a Melvin & Howard-esque encounter with a real alien? It’s likely that my usual refrain, “It’s The Character, Stupid!” will provide answers or leads to these questions, but it still bugs me that I don’t have a clear idea of how this is going to work.

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Round Four [Chimerica v. The Atheist] posted by Martin

Chimerica (Shockah rank: #5, Burley rank: #8)

v.

The Atheist (Shockah rank: #4, Burley rank: #1)

BATTLE!

n. A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.
-Ambrose Bierce

Chimerica
In a world almost exactly like our own, America has lost its place as the prime superpower, and China has taken over. Chinese language and customs have been absorbed into American culture, and have irrevocably changed the face of the country. The cold war between China and India is heating up, and when a terrorist act is committed on Chinese soil, the culprits are traced back to America. China puts a lockdown on America, sending in troops to root out the terrorist cells and throwing the country into a state of emergency. One family will witness everything, from the beginning of the invasion to the terrifying aftermath, and will try to hold onto one another as everything they hold dear.

Pros:
Oh, fuck man—America is down! This is not so hard to picture, since China owns so much of us right now. An overthrow of the US won’t come through violent revolution, but of a bit by bit sale of our interests and a slow change of our ideals over time. And a stock market collapse so drastic that we have to cash into our creditors. Oops! No more $15.00 an hour at the mill.

Plus, the pun in the name kicks ass.

It’s daunting, though, this idea. I love Chinese history, and have studied in depth the great mariner Zheng He. I have spent time in Singapore, with a population primarily descended from China, and feel like (at least more than your average American) I have an understanding of Chinese Culture. Still, I have no idea how to accurately describe an America under Chinese rule.

But, I’ve imagined something similar before. Zheng He, sailing 400 foot chinese junks a half century before Vasco da Gama sailed. They got as far as the East Coast of Africa, and there is some evidence that they sailed as far as the cape of good hope (there are some true believers who claim that Zheng He circumnavigated the globe and discovered America. I personally find those claims incredibly suspect. I’m with the scholars on this one). Imagine, though, if an armada with tens of thousands of Chinese, and hundreds of ships, some the largest wooden ships ever built, sailed into Eurpean harbors of the day? In a Europe just on the cusp of the Renaissance. I tell you, in that world it’s not hard to imagine Europeans speaking Chinese. What if the first explorers of America were running away from religious persecution, but were running away from their Chinese overlords? What if America was simply founded as a Chinese colony?

But, of course, this would be a more modern takeover. I like the idea of seeing the terrorism from the eyes of Americans—what if we were the terrorists? What would drive us to that? I have no trouble imagining an American under siege where average American’s would rise up against a controlling power.

Cons:
The biggest con for me is believability. We’d have to have Chinese language bastardizations, like Singlish—the blend of Chinese/Malay and English that Singaporeans speak. We’d have to have believable Chinese social constraints and arguments, and Chinese culture is remarkably complex.

The biggest problem would be assuming that China is like America is like India is like any super power. The relationships of class and culture are so nuanced and weighted in the Chinese culture, that we would need to tread carefully to be accurate and not just be the dumb white boys using pop-culture assumptions to make a cool script without it having any weight or nods to reality. I mean, my goal would be to watch a movie that would be riveting to a Chinese national, as well as an American.

Also, I see the struggle, but I don’t see the direct plot. Give > Me > Some > of > These > please.

The Atheist
In a world devout to an all powerful god, one man uncovers exposes an unspeakable truth: their planet wasn’t carved by a deity, it was created to hold the most dangerous prisoners in the galaxy: their ancestors. What crime is so unspeakable that not only you will be punished for committing it, but all of your heirs will as well? And what happens when you find out that your captors are still watching your every move?

Pros:
The skewering of the sacred cows! I dig this for sure. I mean, we’ll get to not only tear down a fanatical religion, but do it in a brutal way. Of course, the biggest facet of religion is faith, and what if your faith was challenged? Well then, I think we’d have three responses: 1. Some people would stop believing, when presented with evidence against. Some people would alter their beliefs to rationalize away the new evidence. 3. Some people would unflinchingly still worship the same as they always had.

I also love this idea, which comes up again and again for me, of this one guy or girl arguing against the cultural assumptions, and being maligned for it, only to find out that they were justified in their arguments. It spawns enemies from within, and more dangerous enemies from without.

You may, or may not, be disappointed to learn that I don’t have this one figured out either. I don’t know what the great crime was, or what the great secret is. I would guess that the great crime is a genocide of some sorts—or being banished because of some quarantine. Maybe the banished people are a control group being isolated to study evolution (ha! Religion and evolution in one movie, and that the evolution is imposed by the Gods in the sky?). But, whatever it is, I’m sure we can figure it out.

Cons:
What I’m not so sure how to figure out is how the confrontation between people and keepers would be. How would the aliens in the sky be represented? How would they conflict with the people on the ground? Maybe the idea is that they’re watching for signs of evolution and this kid, that I imagine leading the pack, is the first one to evolve as such. Then we could tie in to the common feeling that we’re not of this world, but of another world and we need to pass some sort of test to be brought home (i.e., follow the word of God). In any case, there are many parallels here and interesting things to play with.

But, that confrontation, as well as the reveal and the whole pace and feel, would need to be laid out. This short blurb was more of a cursory overview, so there would be some work here. But, I can totally see it working.

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Re: [3] Round Three: Rise to Vote, I Say! posted by Martin

I, Burley Grymz, also vote for:

Little Black Stray.

So far we’re 3 for 3! Next round will start, most likely, tonight.

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Re: [2] Round Three: Rise to Vote, I Say! posted by kza

I, Urban Shockah, vote for

LIttle Black Stray.

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Re: Round Three: Rise to Vote, I Say! posted by Martin

You had me at “round.” I’m ready.

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Round Three: Rise to Vote, I Say! posted by kza

I think I have enough to info to move on.

What say you, sir?

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Round 3.8 [The Exodus vs. Little Black Stray] posted by Martin

Okay, I get you. On Exodus, you need something solid to hang the plot on, and feel that this is the requirement for proceeding. I say that we either move forward under the assumption that we can do that, or go with Little Black Stray because that one already, as you said, has a strong enough plot that we will likely not run into the same problem there.

Obviously Little Black Stray isn’t perfect yet, but I’m feeling much more confident about us being able to figure some of the things out that it needs.

Also, don’t forget, which ever of these moves ahead will get another hearing. These issues can be addressed in more depth then, I say. And, if it ends up being a real favorite, it may get more than one hearing.

Still, if you’re saying that you need more information to make your choice, give us a challenge—3 ideas along X lines. Define that, and I’ll rise to define these ideas further. Or, let’s do another random brainstorm to further the ideas. Either way, or if we go to a vote, Burley Grymz stands ready.

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Round 3.7 [The Exodus vs. Little Black Stray] posted by kza

I would argue, as I am right this very second, that we don’t need to decide on the plot exactly right now.

Ah, but I’m not at all talking about plot. I’m simply talking about a one- or two-word idea that would hold the concept of the space stations together. I don’t need to know what it’s about in terms of “what happens to the characters”, I just would like to know what it’s about in terms of theme. (And to contrast, I don’t really know what that is for Little Black Stray either, and I don’t feel I need to know, because I feel like the conflict will suggest something concrete soon enough.)

That assumption is that the event of the girl showing up is the (to speak McKee) is the inciting incident, and therefore the plot has to rise precipitously into some magical realm of genius that we may not possess.

Actually, I have been assuming that, to use the sequence method of structuring, that the girl is the predicament (the thing that happens on or around page 30), not the inciting incident, or, as I prefer, the point of attack, which is the thing that happens on or around page 15. So, that, yes, the bulk of the story (the second act) is about the girl. I think what I’m looking for is, what is this third act, and what makes it cool? Or in other words, I think I agree with everything you said, we’re just using different terms.

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Round 3.6 [The Exodus vs. Little Black Stray] posted by Martin

The horror. The horror.

The horror is on fire. We don’t need no water let the mo….

Ahem. Yes, The Exodus

Upon which, I sir must raise an objection. Quoth you:

…I think one strong idea, theme if you will, needs to be selected for this one to move on.

Wrong, I say, wrong! I would argue, as I am right this very second, that we don’t need to decide on the plot exactly right now. That there is potential for the plot is enough to know, for me, whether or not it is worthy of moving along to the next level. To be too selective about it at this stage would be to start practically writing the thing. I say we vote on the ideas on the table. I say we move it ahead, or leave it to the dogs of history, who may chew on its gristle or grab a keyboard and write the first great dog-in-space story. In other words, if you need to refine this story more in order to vote on it, then I say that such needs indicate weakness in the story itself.

And just to completely counter everything I’ve just said, let me offer an alternative for Little Black Stray

We’re both stuck in our assumptions about this work. That assumption is that the event of the girl showing up is the (to speak McKee) is the inciting incident, and therefore the plot has to rise precipitously into some magical realm of genius that we may not possess.

Here’s another suggestion: the girl coming in isn’t the inciting incident, but an extension or twist on the inciting incident. What if we do a sort of hero story, where we have our main character being one of the prisoners. The first act is about his own tribulations—maybe he’s a new prisoner. But some event convinces him that he should be the leader of the prisoners (the inciting incident). His early attempts at leadership fail miserably. Enter girl, second act about healing and getting to know her, third act about her being the leader of men, and our main character finding his place as her support system—realizing that he wasn’t supposed to be the leader, but the general in the leaders army. The uprising happens. Prisoners do what they do.

Granted, we’d still need our third act twist, and to answer the question of where she came from, but it would be less of a stress than trying to create two acts from whole cloth. So, there is an idea that can take it further.

I say stand, sir. Stand and vote.

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Round 3.5 [The Exodus vs. Little Black Stray] posted by kza

Sorry for this half-assed entry — I seem to have come down with a cold, which I can only assume is some kind symptom of post-Super Bowl depression, and my energy is pretty low. The smart thing would be to rise and vote, but I’m not ready to throw down just yet. Hell, I don’t even know who I’d vote for right now. They’re both pretty good if not quite great. (This is where a sizeable, rowdy forum would be very handy. *ahem* Come on, people!)

I’m going to pose the same question regarding both story ideas, and try to answer it, and I’m going to challenge Burley, in a half-assed, sickly kind of way, to do the same thing with the same question. (Unless he wants to vote. Or he just doesn’t want to. What can I do? I’m bundled up on the couch.) Here we go:

What is the biggest problem facing this idea — what is keeping this story from moving on?

The Exodus

We have six fairly decent character sketches by which to populate this End of Humanity scenario, and coming up with more probably wouldn’t be difficult. So while that was a concern for me at one point, it’s less of one now. I think the problem is not unlike the visual image of the story itself: it’s like a bunch of good ideas floating around each other in space. But where the space stations are orbiting the Earth, what are these good ideas orbiting around? What is the Big Idea that ultimately holds this thing together? Is it a McCarthy-esque thing? Is it faith vs. reason/practicality? Is it about conformity vs. rebellion? Right now it could be any of these, and while the final story could encompass all these, I think one strong idea, theme if you will, needs to be selected for this one to move on.

LIttle Black Stray

Again, this one right now is all juicy set-up, but it’s missing the knockout punchline. (“Knockout punchline”! Get it? I just made that up on accident! I kill myself… or I’d better before someone else does.) The characters suggest themselves, which is great, maybe even ideal for my particular way of writing. The conflict of the initial situation is so obvious, it’s almost like it’s pre-rational — I get the feeling it could be silent or in a foreign language and it would still be immediately graspable. And maybe that’s where the problem lies. Maybe the initial conflict is so potentially explosive, that finding a way to “raise the stakes” is deceptively difficult. Part of me thinks there needs to be some kind of outrageous twist half-way or two-thirds into it, something that totally reverses the conflict or revises what we thought we knew about the situation, but part of me thinks that that’s just my love of gimmicks and twists and novelties coming to the fore, and that simply following the basic situation logically and building on each moment will be satisfactory enough. Either way, it needs to build, not just simmer in place, and I’m not really sure what it’s supposed to be building to, and I think I want at least an idea of what that is before voting it through.

What do you think, Burley?

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Round 3.4 [The Exodus vs. Little Black Stray] posted by Martin

Exodus. Oooooh, movement of the people (in geosynchronous orbit around a charred earth…).

I agree that characters are where this is at. Here are some vague ones from my idea of it.

1. An older man who is resigned to the responsibility of life. He knows that an ounce of fuel can be stretched out for x amount of hours. Let’s call him the accountant. He is by the books. The idea of an alien signal to him is anathema. He can’t let himself be excited by it, for fear that the carefully considered and reasonably sustainable society they have created will crumble into utter chaos and selfishness. If people started consuming more because they were assured of salvation, they could overplay the short run and not live to the long run. If the aliens come, so be it, but until then we should toe the line.

2. The teenage boy who is wild. He sneaks into space suits and goes out of the air locks. He turns little broken parts of ships into mechanical beasts that threaten to puncture the thin skin of the island in space. He fixes things when they break, but more often than not breaks them first so they need to be fixed. He tries to snag satellites as they fly by to see what secrets they hold. He is in love with a girl who was his playmate when they were children, but has now decided that he is too annoying to deal with.

3. A devout woman who worships the alien signal. She is convinced that it is God coming home to take the saved to heaven, because God obviously saved them once already, and was keeping them alive for good reason. She mostly hides her religion in this secular society until the alien signal comes, and then she starts leading a church service, forming a political force to be reckoned with.

Little Black Stray

I get what you’re saying about this. You were hoping I was gonna pull something grand out of my sleeve, and when I didn’t it makes this idea less exciting. I would reply that even though I don’t have that answer yet doesn’t mean that we can’t come up with that exciting thing, if you felt it was absolutely required of the story. Actually, I think it would be necessary. I only see the first quarter-to-half of the movie about the prisoners and the girl, and then the revelation gets dropped and it turns everything on its head.

As for it being like a Western: Yes! It is—and I think this is actually important, to some degree. But it will need some things that are of its world. Believe it or not, I’m also kind of thinking of the movie Holes, but not about kids and with more adult content. And not as goofy. And not about holes.

Anyway, it’s important because the core story is portable. It could work in a Western (although the chastity of the female character might play a bigger role then), it could take place in space, it could take place anywhere that a group of men are being held against their will and forced to labor. What if a train building crew in the old west found a woman? What if British and American prisoners in Southeast Asia during the WWII prisoner of war camps found a woman?

You get the idea. But, here’s the rub, I agree with you that it needs something more. It needs something that sets the stage better, and places it firmly in the Prison Planet world. I’m sorry I don’t have the magic story yet, but rest assured that I know we could tackle that beast. Er, I mean—of course I have that all figured out. I’ll tell you later if this one gets picked and goes all the way. Until then, it will have to remain a secret…

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Round 3.3 [The Exodus vs. Little Black Stray] posted by kza

You bring up some good ideas for The Exodus (the idea that there would be an unholy pressure to conform is astute, and intriguing), but I’m still not quite feeling it. You say it’s ripe for characters (and it is, or at least, it has to be), but then what are those characters? (Obviously, that question is directed at me just as much, if not moreso, than you.) I put up some ideas in my first post, but I’ll be the first to admit that they’re uninspired at best. Let’s brainstorm spitball a few characters for The Exodus:

(Did I really just write “brainstorm”? Shame on me!)

1. One of the characters believes that the end is nigh, and runs a Palace of Pleasure for the citizens to indulge their whims. But one day, while dealing with one of his casinos, he meets a woman who believes that the Earth can be made livable again. They get into a huge argument — her belief threatens him — but finds himself falling in love with her. He really wants to believe that she’s right, and eventually spends all his capital — his business, his time, his energy — into trying to make her dream a reality.

2. Another one of the characters is a teenager who was born on the space station. She’s hitting puberty and is reacting badly to the glumness, hopelessness, and self-destructiveness of the adults around her. The alien signal gives her hope — it’s a mystery, something to project ideas of a new life onto. But her parents believe there’s no shame in admitting that the human race is over with, and plan to kill themselves — and her — before long.

3. The last character is charged with the responsibility of keeping the space stations running and under control. Anything that threatens the status quo, whether it be back-to-the-Earth movements or suicide cults, needs to be squashed. Then he finds out that his wife has discovered an alien signal that could mean renewed hope for the stations and humanity. But it’s iffy. Does he risk the safety of the stations to make an exodus towards the alien signal, or does he cover up the alien signal? Regardless what he does, how does it affect his relationship with his wife?

Did that help, or did that help kill it?

Speaking of which, I was all prepared to back Little Black Stray (still am, for the most part), but, at the risk of sounding prematurely critical, your “pro” entry muted some of my enthusiasm for it. Perhaps my expectations were too big — I think I thought that since it was your idea, you were holding back something big. But now I’m wondering, for this one: why a prison planet? Why SF? This could just as easily be (and might be better as) a Western — the girl shows up at a mining camp or an all-male town. Nothing wrong with that per se — I’d write or watch that version — but I was expecting a “leap”, if you will, to another level. It still feels earthbound. Does that make sense? I feel like it needs something “big”, probably tied into some kind of SF concept (but maybe not), in order to fully back.

(And to be clear: everything you said in your post about Little Black Stray had me nodding in agreement. The problem was, I felt like there was an “And?…” at the end of it, that went unanswered. I hope that makes sense.)

(Let me try and be clear again, cuz I’m not entirely sure if it’s coming out right: You completely nailed all the subtext and themes and character stuff that would go into this, but what I was missing was the element that I’d read in a TV Guide synopsis and go, “Cool! I wanna watch this!”)

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Round 3.2 [The Exodus vs. Little Black Stray] posted by Martin

The Exodus (Shockah rank: #7, Burley rank: #6)

v.

Little Black Stray (Shockah rank: #3, Burley rank: #4)

GET IN THERE AND LET THEM SEE YOUR TEETH!

The Exodus
In a world where the Earth is nothing more than a black cinder, the last surviving humans live on orbiting space stations, trying to make the best out of an impossible situation. Some are resigned to being the end of the human race, some think the Earth can be rebuilt and repopulated… and one scientist thinks he’s found a signal from an alien race. Are they really out there? Can they save the human race? But presenting the evidence will start a civil war in space, and threaten to end humanity prematurely.

Pros
In a world where there is no world…

Here he goes with the goddamned questions again. What would a floating life raft look like? Did they have time to organize when they left the scorched Earth? Or, is their craft a collection of mish-mashed space ships, old satellites and asteroid detritus? Do they have locomotion at all? Of course, then I get down to the questions that are really fun to ask, but completely futile: how do they process their waste and water? What about generating electricity and warmth? Artificial gravity?

Of course, the real fight here is pessimism vs. optimism. Or, in the non- religious -political sense, conservatism vs. liberalism. Resign to your fate, or fight until the end? There are good questions to ask there. I would see our simple greater-than story line something like this:

Group aboard spaceship has managed to stabilize life and chores > people get bored > some people start freaking out > other people start having chaotic fun > scientists ponder and argue > alien signals picked up > scientists argue over whether they are real > self-contained community destroys itself.

This could be a re-telling of the Salem Witch Trials, or the McCarthy hearings, or any other compressed society situation. There would be ridiculous social pressure to conform, which (of course) would spawn some wicked non-conformists. I can totally see this as a stage drama, where the play is about the process rather than the events.

But, as a movie, I think you’d need events. You’d need to take the characters—at least some of them—somewhere. But what if some couldn’t overcome their fear, and it turned into crazed sabotage? How feudal would things get? How mammalian? This one is ripe for the characters, that’s for sure.

Cons

Both of today’s movies I see pretty clearly, and I don’t feel the drawbacks as much. When I’m judging these things, my cons inevitably turn into “would that be a drag to do?” Even if the overall plot is worth the dragging, how much drag-space does the idea present to me? These have very little drag space. I think both would be fun to work on.

Believe it or not, originally I was going to fight for Little Black Stray to the death, but the more I started trying to keep an open mind and find my way into the idea of The Exodus, the more I like the damn thing. I like the compression and containment of it. I like the pressure-cooker aspect of it. I like that you can control the very air the characters breathe, and therefore the story and plot can turn in dramatic ways very quickly.

I’m not saying that I like it as much as Little Black Stray. Tonight I’m saying I like them both equally.

Little Black Stray
In a World where violent male offenders are sent to labor camps on the remote prison planet, one crew of hardened men finds something impossible: a young woman in tattered clothes, mute and frightened. A small group protect and feed her, keeping her out of sight of the guards and away from those who would use her mercilessly. As she gains in strength it seems that she has an agenda—and the truth of what she was doing on a world where no women stepped before might be a big enough secret to shatter the whole planet of forced labor.

Pros
But I love this idea too. As Shockah mentioned, there is the gender thing. But even more than that, there is an interesting exploration of masculinity and the different expressions of it. That is to say, I see some of these characters as treating the woman as a big brother might—protecting her and defending her. Some would treat her as a potential mate might, trying to woo her, and also defend her. Some would try to treat her as a possession, thus requiring the services of one and two. Some of the men, in this society, would take the roles of women, and if they did what would they say about the real woman in their midst?

But what if she could take care of herself? What if she took no shit, but was only too sick to defend herself to begin with? My ideas for the secret are not-so-well-formed at this point. I like if she’s an android, but it takes a while to learn. Or, that she was somehow left to die. Maybe she was brought to the planet for a specific reason—slavery? hostage?—and she escaped, but couldn’t go any longer.

But mostly with this, I very much am feeling the song it’s based on. If you haven’t read the lyrics, I might recommend it—but these lines especially resonated with me:

Confess all that you’ve seen
Confess with one of all your tragic misdeeds

See the sun wrestle with your door
See the sun wrestle with your door
Trembling stray, this is now your home

I also imagine her character having a great weight on her shoulders—an impossible situation. It’s a tragedy, in some ways, and it’s all she can do when she realizes that not only did she escape, but she’s still alive and feels the pain of her events too deeply.

But, then, with this new crowd of people to back her up, maybe she can gather the strength to take on the opposition.

I mean, what if the true criminals on the planet were not the prisoners, but the people who put them there or kept them there? What if, despite their differences, this movie becomes about this diverse and violent group of men uniting under her leadership to overthrow some power? Then we have the story of them finding her, healing her, hiding her—and then being trained, led—and maybe even betrayed by her—no. Probably not that, but she changes their lives. The rule with this story would be that everybody she encounters changes for the better, whether they like it or not.

In any case, my greater-than is:
Hard labor prisoner life is established > Prisoners find woman nearly dead > nurse her back to health and hide her > she recovers, is traumatized and holds / can’t remember secret > men protect and spark memories / gain confidence > she reveals awful truth > prisoners rise up under her lead, including those who tried to rape her > big confrontation happens.

Cons
I’m totally low on cons tonight. If the lord of Screenplays descended right now (Goldman? Are you listening?) and said that it was law we had to pick one of these and start writing, I’d be really psyched. Maybe I’m just in a good mood tonight and glossing over what I know will be two difficult stories, but both of these seem really clear to me. To be clear, I know there would be issues with both of them, but I’m just feeling optimistic about overcoming those issues, and that I think it might even be as enjoyable as writing YELLOW [our Project Greenlight entry screenplay] was.

If you rise to vote, sir, I will have some terrible thinking to do.

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Round Three [The Exodus vs. Little Black Stray] posted by kza

The Exodus (Shockah rank: #7, Burley rank: #6)

v.

Little Black Stray (Shockah rank: #3, Burley rank: #4)

DROP IT LIKE IT’S HOT!

NOTE OF TRIVIA: This is the first battle where both ideas have Top 8 ranks from each of us.

The Exodus
In a world where the Earth is nothing more than a black cinder, the last surviving humans live on orbiting space stations, trying to make the best out of an impossible situation. Some are resigned to being the end of the human race, some think the Earth can be rebuilt and repopulated… and one scientist thinks he’s found a signal from an alien race. Are they really out there? Can they save the human race? But presenting the evidence will start a civil war in space, and threaten to end humanity prematurely.

Pro
For some reason, I like stories that start out with a real depressing premise or world. Doesn’t get more depressing than this, does it? The Earth is scorched, presumably not a living thing left on it (although some still have hope and are looking for it), and the last humans are stuck in floating aqualungs orbiting around the very thing they helped destroy. Good job, guys! But maybe what I like about these kind of stories is that, since we start at the bottom, there must be some kind of hope to chase after, else it’s about people hanging around, waiting to die. (There are movies like that, which I’m less fond of, I think.)

And chasing after hope is part of “the human condition” — a good and worthy theme to build a story around. But let’s get down to what’s really cool about this:

Space stations.

Space stations are awesome. They’re like shopping malls in space. Who wouldn’t want to go to the Gap or Best Buy in space? Not me, that’s for sure. (Not that they’d have these stores up there — I don’t think, at least — but they are self-sustaining communities and they’d need to be visually tolerable for the people stuck there. Or maybe the original Dawn of the Dead messed me up. That would explain why I’ve always wanted to see a “zombies in the space station” movie.) And I like the idea of spending time thinking about and designing these space stations, since it looks like 90% of the story takes place on them.

And then throw in the idea that’s there like 3 or more of these space stations, each with its own politics (within and between the other stations) and goals, and it sounds like fun. (Meaning: one of them has to blow up.)

Con
Character stuff seems a little light. Certainly there’s some kind of scientist character who finds what appear to be alien signals, but the rest of it is pretty wide open. Also, it seems like a story that lends itself, for good and ill, to stereotypes: the gruff space station captain who only wants what’s good for his citizens, the idealistic scientist, the headstrong rebel who screws it up for everyone else, the love interest who’s probably on a different space station. It’s all so very anime, and I mean that in a bad way.

I’m also wondering if the extreme, uh, “containedness” of the premise might get a little boring after awhile. There’s really only a few locations: space between the stations, space way away from the stations, maybe the dead surface of earth, and of course the stations themselves (which admittedly are made up of a bunch of sublocations). Maybe not a real big deal — maybe that kind of claustrophobia is exactly the point — but I think my subconscious is trying to warn me about this.

And I just realized I have a theory about the “con” sections of these battles, at least on my side. More on that later.

Little Black Stray
In a World where violent male offenders are sent to labor camps on the remote prison planet, one crew of hardened men finds something impossible: a young woman in tattered clothes, mute and frightened. A small group protect and feed her, keeping her out of sight of the guards and away from those who would use her mercilessly. As she gains in strength it seems that she has an agenda—and the truth of what she was doing on a world where no women stepped before might be a big enough secret to shatter the whole planet of forced labor.

Pro
GENDER ISSUES! GENDER ISSUES! GENDER ISSUES! Gender issues are awesome — they’re another key component of that thing we call “the human condition”, and as drama, they’re practically inexhaustible. Men and women are gonna be bitching about each other for the next thousand years, just as they have since the beginning of time. And I know it’s a topic of some interest to both Burley and me.

So what we have here is a planet not just full of men, but full of machismo and testosterone, and full of violence and danger because of it. What happens when they come into contact with a woman, someone who is (at the outset, presumably) the complete opposite of them? Although we already know in the abstract, what makes it interesting is how her appearance affects the various male characters. Does she change them? Do some make a concerted effort to not change? Are one or more of the men changed from aggressors to protectors? Does the presence of the woman change some from somewhat docile to violent and aggressive? Basic stuff, yes, but the point is, there’s a wealth of opportunity to explore characters, which is what it’s all about, innit?

Another thing I like, something it has in common with the upcoming Methane Madness, is the plot device of “prisoners must keep secret from wardens”. Don’t know why that appeals to me so much — watching “Hogan’s Heroes” as a kid? — but it’s a great way to introduce some objective tension to a story that seems to be primarily about subjective tension.

(An explanation: one of the screenwriting books I’ve read points out the difference between the kind of conflict/tension that a viewer can pick up without any knowing what’s happened in the story previously or even the language — for example, if we see uniformed guys with guns chasing and shooting at another guy running away from them, we don’t need any special knowledge to understand what each party wants in the scene. But there can also be moments, say like one character gives another character a present which makes him break down and cry, where we need some background info to totally make sense of the scene. I don’t remember what the book called them, so for now, it’s objective and subjective tension.)

Finally: isn’t this the first idea up for battle that actually has, y’know, a prison planet in it?

Con
Okay, I’ll admit: I have no freakin’ idea what the secret agenda/big twist to this story is going to be. Presumably, Burley does, but if he’s anything like me, he just wrote it because it sounds good :-) In the interest of being proactive, I offer three (3) stupid, outrageous-as-possible ideas for a secret, composed as quickly as I can:

1. She’s actually a man! Or more precisely, she’s been genetically changed, from a male prisoner to something not-quite-man-but-not-really-woman-either-but-shares-some-of-the-characteristics-of-a-woman-though, and it’s all a experiment by the scientific mucky-mucks to see if they can eliminate crime. Or something. (If Burley knows me, he knows I like gender-bending as a theme.)

2. There’s a female prison camp on the other side of the planet, and it’s even more fucked up than the men’s camp! Can the two sexes come together and throw off their oppressors? Or something.

3. She’s an alien superpredator! And she’s going to implant her seed, seahorse-style, into the captives of the camp and turn them all into mindless, pregnant zombies! Or something.

Oh, and one last thing: even some similarities are inevitable, I don’t want this to be OZ in Space. Maybe it starts out like that, but it should eventually shed it, like a chrysalis.

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Re:[3] Round Two: Rise to Vote, Sir posted by kza

I know — y’all thought I was gonna post Round Three. Sorry, not yet. Definitely tomorrow.

But a few notes about that last round:

I have no idea how well emotions translate from this blog to the people reading it, but I think there’s a small chance that some of you might’ve been surprised by my vote for La Commune Planet.

If so, your surprise was justified. If we’re talking about which idea I genuinely liked more, than yes, I really liked Robots in Love more than La Commune Planet.

Fortunately for those communards, mere “like” wasn’t going to cut it.

The thing is, my real problem with La Commune Planet, as of this writing, is one of passion. I mean, I named it #3 in my list, and here I was crapping all over it. What happened? I’m not entirely sure, but once in the cold light of day, my previous passion for the idea kinda died out, and as Burley (and gdd, in the forum) expressed their enthusiasm, I began to get a sense of what the problem was.

I’ll save that for its next battle, however.

So why the flip-flop? Well, I thought about it, and came to a couple conclusions:

A) Although I have a problem with it, I realized that it’s not nearly as big a problem that Burley and I face with Rasputin the Translator. As I mentioned to him a few days ago, with that one, we’re either going to find common ground for our differing interpretations (and it’ll probably cruise to the finals), or we won’t and it’ll die in its next battle. Commune, however, as I said before, was a problem of passion, and if in a matter of a week it can go from #3 to #20, then there’s always the possibility of that it could reverse course by the time it has to fight again. In that time, I could stumble upon the way “into” this idea that really gets me excited. This was, in a sense, a “benefit of the doubt” vote.

B) And all of the above wouldn’t have mattered at all if Robots in Love was airtight, but clearly it wasn’t. I asked myself a question: if Robots in Love were all mine to create, if I had total control over every aspect of it, would I do it? The hard, honest truth was that I would table it and move onto something else. It wasn’t ready, and it was going to take a lot of energy to get it to that point. It wouldn’t have been fair to try and vote it through, I don’t think.

Okay, ‘nuff navel gazing. Round Three, coming up!

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Re:[2] Round Two: Rise to Vote, Sir posted by Martin

Once again, we are in agreement where the rubber meets the road.

I, Burley Grymyz, also vote for La Commune Planet.

I hand the gavel over, sir, and will eagerly await Round Three (subtitle: the tertiarier).

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Re: Round Two: Rise to Vote, Sir posted by kza

I, Urban Shockah, will rise from my seat and vote as well.

And in a rare, double-whammy decision, I’ll also name my choice:

Rasputin the Translator

wait, I mean:

La Commune Planet

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Round Two: Rise to Vote, Sir posted by Martin

I could write more, but I decided to keep this one clipped. If we disagree, then we’ll see how we can bend and twist them.

Burley Grymz has made his choice.

Again, this is gonna be tough stuff for me (look at those ranks!). However, while I feel like I put up a good battle last time, this time I think I might let Burley take the lead on this one. Unless he says something stupid, like “genre is for marketers”. Then I’ll get angry. He wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

REMINDER: I’ve written the following without looking at Burley’s comments first. That’s gonna be the way I roll for the remainder of the first two rounds of each remaining match-up.

La Commune Planet

In a world constructed for the pleasure of the ultra-rich, every vice can be had — for a price. But beneath the smiling exterior of the friendly staff, there lurks a growing resentment. When a group of ascetics destroy access to the planet’s hidden interdimensional gateway, the employees sieze the chance to declare independence from the governement and its backers. But as they take the profits and the pleasures for themselves, pressures and conflicting desires threaten to blow the planet to smithereens.

Pro:

A pleasure planet, huh? That could be interesting to build. Especially if we try to think of what a future society finds pleasurable — with body and gene modifications, it could get really weird really fast. And how does one go about hiring, firing, and training a staff for this kind of thing? Are they all slaves, whether literally or by-any-other-name? Or do they volunteer for this work because the pay is awesome? (For some reason, Gosford Park is coming to mind.) Regardless, it’s not hard to imagine the kind of resentments that could boil over in that kind of atmosphere.

Con:

I feel like I’m seeing the arc of this one too early (yeah, I know, I wrote the frickin’ thing) and it aint really doin’ it for me. Right now, it seems like we know that the rich are probably pretty disgusting but probably don’t deserve their fate, and we know that the poor staff are probably decent people but some will revert to a more bestial nature when the opportunity presents itself. Actually, what this is reminding me of (and La Commune Planet doesn’t really benefit from the comparison) is Hotel Rwanda. But that had an interesting protagonist — like a lot of these ideas, I’m not sure whose eyes we’re going to see it from (and it could be many, a la Altman) or why that perspective is interesting. (And usually when there’s a problem of “who’s the protag and what’s the perspective?”, its usually the originator of the idea that can get past that and see something valuable there — not so this time!)

So right now, for this one to proceed, I’m going to need more: an idea of a protagonist, an idea of perspective, and I’d like to see where this story could go if, for example, the above synopsis only accounts for, say, the first 30 minutes of a 120 minute story.

Robots in Love

In a World where robots are immature, but can easily pass the Turing test, one young android idolizes a slightly older movie star, and tries everything in his power to become like his idol. As part of his transformation, the robot works at becoming quite the ladies man, but his game is called when he meets a girl that actually likes him and that he doesn’t have to chase. She would certainly never sleep with him if she knew he was an android, but being an android he is physically incapable of sleeping with her. Will truth ruin love, or can the technology-crossed-lovers find a way to remain together?

Pro:

I’ll admit, part of my attraction to this is that it reminds me of the 10 minute sequence that introduces Jude Law’s character in A.I., which, if separated from the movie, is one of the great short films of the new century. I’d watch an entire movie about Gigolo Joe, no problem. Also, I like robots. I mean, hell, I liked I, Robot. Give a machine a personality and it’s amazing how much mileage you can get out of it.

Love stories are great. And I don’t know why I say that, really. It’s not a genre I watch very often. But I like the challenge of it. They’re so prevalent, the clichés are so ingrained our culture, that it becomes a challenge to do something new with it. And making one of the lovers a robot, while not original, is still a great way of looking at the form, and finding ways of highlighting and undermining its rote, ritualistic motions. One of those is the “misunderstanding” scene, and if I understand correctly, a possibility for this story is that she wants to get into his pants, but he’s got nothing there, and if she finds out, she’ll dump him. (Is that how you intended that?) That’s interesting — I like that. There’s an underlying truth to the metaphor of the situation that I think works.

And of course, building this world means thinking about why these robots exist, what they’re for, how they’re regulated. Tough work, yes, but I like that kind of thing. (i.e., it doesn’t sound too hard :-)

Con:
Well, this is obvious, innit? Where’s the Prison Planet? I’m not going to be so pedantic to demand that there be some kind of prison planet — I’ve suggested that the Prison Planet be metaphorical in nature — but I’m not quite sure how it works here. Their love is like a prison planet? Ummm… no.

And while I like the idea of working on a love story, especially one that crosses biological boundaries, I’m not really feeling it. I wanna know what these two see in each other. Does she like him because he’s so much like his matinee idol? And what does he get out of this relationship? Why is there such a stigma on human-robot relations? If it’s wrong (or simply unfortunate) for a robot to fall in love, why the hell are they programmed for that possibility?

So there are some definite conceptual problems that need to be worked out, and it’s possible that they can’t be reconciled.

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Round 2.2 [La Commune Planet v. Robots in Love] posted by kza

La Commune Planet (Shockah rank: #3, Burley rank: #7)

v.

Robots in Love (Shockah rank: #2, Burley rank: #11)

FIGHT! AGAIN!

Again, this is gonna be tough stuff for me (look at those ranks!). However, while I feel like I put up a good battle last time, this time I think I might let Burley take the lead on this one. Unless he says something stupid, like “genre is for marketers”. Then I’ll get angry. He wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

REMINDER: I’ve written the following without looking at Burley’s comments first. That’s gonna be the way I roll for the remainder of the first two rounds of each remaining match-up.

La Commune Planet

In a world constructed for the pleasure of the ultra-rich, every vice can be had — for a price. But beneath the smiling exterior of the friendly staff, there lurks a growing resentment. When a group of ascetics destroy access to the planet’s hidden interdimensional gateway, the employees sieze the chance to declare independence from the governement and its backers. But as they take the profits and the pleasures for themselves, pressures and conflicting desires threaten to blow the planet to smithereens.

Pro:

A pleasure planet, huh? That could be interesting to build. Especially if we try to think of what a future society finds pleasurable — with body and gene modifications, it could get really weird really fast. And how does one go about hiring, firing, and training a staff for this kind of thing? Are they all slaves, whether literally or by-any-other-name? Or do they volunteer for this work because the pay is awesome? (For some reason, Gosford Park is coming to mind.) Regardless, it’s not hard to imagine the kind of resentments that could boil over in that kind of atmosphere.

Con:

I feel like I’m seeing the arc of this one too early (yeah, I know, I wrote the frickin’ thing) and it aint really doin’ it for me. Right now, it seems like we know that the rich are probably pretty disgusting but probably don’t deserve their fate, and we know that the poor staff are probably decent people but some will revert to a more bestial nature when the opportunity presents itself. Actually, what this is reminding me of (and La Commune Planet doesn’t really benefit from the comparison) is Hotel Rwanda. But that had an interesting protagonist — like a lot of these ideas, I’m not sure whose eyes we’re going to see it from (and it could be many, a la Altman) or why that perspective is interesting. (And usually when there’s a problem of “who’s the protag and what’s the perspective?”, its usually the originator of the idea that can get past that and see something valuable there — not so this time!)

So right now, for this one to proceed, I’m going to need more: an idea of a protagonist, an idea of perspective, and I’d like to see where this story could go if, for example, the above synopsis only accounts for, say, the first 30 minutes of a 120 minute story.

Robots in Love

In a World where robots are immature, but can easily pass the Turing test, one young android idolizes a slightly older movie star, and tries everything in his power to become like his idol. As part of his transformation, the robot works at becoming quite the ladies man, but his game is called when he meets a girl that actually likes him and that he doesn’t have to chase. She would certainly never sleep with him if she knew he was an android, but being an android he is physically incapable of sleeping with her. Will truth ruin love, or can the technology-crossed-lovers find a way to remain together?

Pro:

I’ll admit, part of my attraction to this is that it reminds me of the 10 minute sequence that introduces Jude Law’s character in A.I., which, if separated from the movie, is one of the great short films of the new century. I’d watch an entire movie about Gigolo Joe, no problem. Also, I like robots. I mean, hell, I liked I, Robot. Give a machine a personality and it’s amazing how much mileage you can get out of it.

Love stories are great. And I don’t know why I say that, really. It’s not a genre I watch very often. But I like the challenge of it. They’re so prevalent, the clichés are so ingrained our culture, that it becomes a challenge to do something new with it. And making one of the lovers a robot, while not original, is still a great way of looking at the form, and finding ways of highlighting and undermining its rote, ritualistic motions. One of those is the “misunderstanding” scene, and if I understand correctly, a possibility for this story is that she wants to get into his pants, but he’s got nothing there, and if she finds out, she’ll dump him. (Is that how you intended that?) That’s interesting — I like that. There’s an underlying truth to the metaphor of the situation that I think works.

And of course, building this world means thinking about why these robots exist, what they’re for, how they’re regulated. Tough work, yes, but I like that kind of thing. (i.e., it doesn’t sound too hard :-)

Con:
Well, this is obvious, innit? Where’s the Prison Planet? I’m not going to be so pedantic to demand that there be some kind of prison planet — I’ve suggested that the Prison Planet be metaphorical in nature — but I’m not quite sure how it works here. Their love is like a prison planet? Ummm… no.

And while I like the idea of working on a love story, especially one that crosses biological boundaries, I’m not really feeling it. I wanna know what these two see in each other. Does she like him because he’s so much like his matinee idol? And what does he get out of this relationship? Why is there such a stigma on human-robot relations? If it’s wrong (or simply unfortunate) for a robot to fall in love, why the hell are they programmed for that possibility?

So there are some definite conceptual problems that need to be worked out, and it’s possible that they can’t be reconciled.

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Round Two: [La Commune Planet v. Robots in Love] posted by Martin

La Commune Planet (Shokah rank: #3, Burley rank: #7)

v.

Robots in Love (Shokah rank: #2, Burley rank: #11)

FIGHT!

La Commune Planet
In a world constructed for the pleasure of the ultra-rich, every vice can be had — for a price. But beneath the smiling exterior of the friendly staff, there lurks a growing resentment. When a group of ascetics destroy access to the planet’s hidden interdimensional gateway, the employees sieze the chance to declare independence from the governement and its backers. But as they take the profits and the pleasures for themselves, pressures and conflicting desires threaten to blow the planet to smithereens

Pros:The 20th century might have been the biggest political-theory battle in the history of political battles (in this corner, the forced equity of debasement: Communism! and in this corner, darwinism of the richest: Capitalism!), with one obvious winner, but the truth is that class is a huge issue in our world, and will continue to be so as the gap between rich and poor becomes larger and larger. The rich will, obviously, want to retain their riches, and the poor will want some help from life’s hardships. Nothing is worse than being down on your luck and seeing some asshole roll by in a gold plated SUV whose only purpose is pimping the coin, but if you earn it, don’t you deserve to keep it?

For that reason, I love the idea of capturing this drama—no matter what side one may think of it—in microcosm. I would even go so far as to say that this picture should play somewhat like John Sayles in space, but with a more conventional plot line. That is, make a cookie-cutter sequence of events, but populate them with characters who are in great opposition, but be sympathetic to both sides. Make no easy villains, or if we set somebody up as one, redeem them in the end. The trick would be avoiding the stereotypical rich-person-doesn’t-care-about-anybody-else stereotype, and the poor-worker-oppressed-righteously-rises-up stereotype.

Or, it could even be played like Starship Troopers, in that you’re rooting for the team that under closer inspection reveals themselves to be fascist (the WOW report had a great piece on this). So, maybe the film is completely sympathetic to the rich people who are being treated unfairly and cruelly by the uprising underclass, but in reality, when viewed objectively, any actions the workers take are completely understandable.

In any case, this idea totally jazzes me. As Shockah knows, the one question I always ask of our characters is: What is the power situation in this relationship? Who has it, who wants it? What’s the social pecking order? Once you answer that, in my view, you know a lot about the politics of the scene. This idea is ripe with these questions, and has the potential to be very dynamic and exciting.

Cons:But, it will be very easy to mistakenly (hell, even on purpose) end up with a script that sounds like propaganda for one side or the other. This must be avoided at all cost. Also, there is an uncomfortable parallel between this and Exit to Eden, another of Anne Rice’s ernest (yet still a bit laughable) BDSM books (written, obviously, before she became obsessed only with the suffering of one man a few thousand years ago) made into a hideously horrible mis-step of a comedy movie.

We’d have to cull our ideas for what services this pleasure planet offers, and make we really think out the sort of situation that might arise from the ability to have worlds like this (in other words, Besterize the idea) as opposed to just making some shit up that sounds outrageous. We would have to look at current luxury resorts, and extrapolate what future places might be, but I think we would definitely have to do the research to make the atmosphere feel authentic.

Robots in LoveIn a World where robots are immature, but can easily pass the turning test, one young android idolizes a slightly older movie star, and tries everything in his power to become like his idol. As part of his transformation, the robot works at becoming quite the ladies man, but his game is called when he meets a girl that actually likes him and that he doesn’t have to chase. She would certainly never sleep with him if she knew he was an android, but being an android he is physically incapable of sleeping with her. Will truth ruin love, or can the technology-crossed-lovers find a way to remain together?

Pros:I kind of see this plot as Pinocchio de Bergerac. And, it raises the age old questions about romance and love stories and euphemisms for sex. In this case, there is no sex option. Obviously, if androids were real, one of the first things that they would be outfitted for is sex (Real Dolls anybody?). But, assuming that there were cultural or physiological reasons that the android couldn’t do that (maybe it’s a law passed by conservatives worried about the next wave of unnatural loving), then we have our character.

Also, I like the fact that the imprinting happens via a mediascape, so the issue of media effects can be explored (which I am fascinated with. On one hand, I think it’s ridiculous to argue that all bad things can be traced back to media effects, but on the other hand to think that media has no effect is just as ridiculous).

And, of course, it’s at heart a classic loves story ala, boy tries real hard to find love and can’t, until he stops trying and it finds him.

But most interesting is the conundrum of how do you resolve a love story where the lovers can never be lovers? What is the possible solution to this issue, and can it be solved with solutions that will be in a movie that, at best, should have an R rating?

Cons:The main con is my last pro. That damn conundrum will be difficult to solve, I think. More to the point, is an impossible love—one without hope—interesting at all? It’s similar in some ways to the impossible problem raised in A.I., which Speilberg gave a pseudo happy ending, but I’m betting it was a difficult choice to make. The trick would be making the revelation of this fact be the journey, and not start with it. In A.I., we knew no good could come, but what intrigued us to watch further? Once it is established that there can be no sex, do we give them other attributes? Do we address of sexless marriages? Is there allowances for her physical needs to be met outside of the relationship, and if so, why does she stay with him?

These questions are ones that will need to be answered, I think, and I see them as difficult questions. After all, two of the greatest filmmakers of all time failed to adequately answer them in A.I. What makes us think that we can here?

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Re:[4] Round One: Rise To Vote, Sir posted by kza

Yep, your turn to go first. I’ll probably think about the next two ideas then compose and post my Pro/Con without looking at yours first, and that’ll probably happen Monday. Just a heads up.

Rasputin’s got a tough road ahead of it; I’m curious to see how it fares.

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Re: [3] Round One: Rise to Vote, Sir posted by Martin

I, Burley Grymz, vote for…

Rasputin the Translator.

It has been settled, this first battle. I found it a difficult one, but in the end I’m drawn to the megalomanic (or, whatever he will turn out to be).

So—for this next round, do I go first?

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Re:[2] Round One: Rise To Vote, Sir posted by kza

I, Urban Shockah, vote for…

Rasputin the Translator.

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Re: Round One: Rise To Vote, Sir posted by Martin

Burley Grymz, present and ready with a choice.

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Round One: Rise To Vote, Sir posted by kza

I’ve (somewhat reluctantly) made my choice. What say you?

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Round 1.6 [Liber XII v. Rasputin the Translator] posted by Martin

Rasputin
I’m all for finding the way into the story through our bearded man, but it should be said up front that we have very different ideas of what he’s like. I see him more as a deliberate man taking advantage of a political situation, and in so doing making Machiavellian plays at power (which, is why I named him Rasputin to begin with, the bearded look that Roky rocks was just a second convenient parallel—for more reading: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rasputin, although the mis-(dis, whatever) information on this page is more like the pop-culture image of the man I raise: http://www.disinfo.com/archive/pages/dossier/id291/pg1/). I also think the pseudo-religious vibe is important with him. Basically, I see him as a 21st century Rasputin in many, many ways.

One option for him, in my view, might be that he’s not actually the one with the power, but he’s fronting. Maybe he’s holding somebody hostage who is the one with the power. In this view (and incorporating some of your ideas): Aliens land > Misunderstanding, bad things happen > tensions rise > Raspy appears out of nowhere and things get calm > Negotiations are tense > Raspy demands mucho somethingo > nation’s conservatives dig their heels in > Nation’s liberals want to give him everything > Raspy over plays his hand > smart agent finds that Raspy is a charlatan covering for a truly talented young person > Rescues young person in daring event > Raspy falters, having lost his powers > truly talented young person wins the day for the good guys.

I don’t see him as evil, per se, but I see him as taking advantage of a situation to his own benefit, and possibly screwing quite a few people in the process. Well, I guess some would call that evil.

I think your plot with a Clarice-like agent tracking him is very clearly laid out and direct, but it’s not hitting my excitement nerve for some reason. I know what it is: I want Raspy to take an active role in his accomplishments. So, I can’t see him being a reluctant hero-cum-villian, but being a manipulator from day one. Is he evil and doing this really for his own good, or is there some deeper truth? That solution could lead to a: Raspy is asking for something evil > People refuse to give in > one plucky agent realizes great truth > politicians, on her evidence, give in > It turns out Raspy was bluffing and really is an okay guy! Everyone is safe!

So, all of this is to say: yes. I think the key to this story is the Rasputin character, and finding the character that gets us both jazzed about him.

Liber XII
Maybe this should be Liber Ver XII.0—which reminds me, what happened to versions I-XI? I hope the fucking computer didn’t do them in too….

The problem with the Die Hard example is that the reason we could so easily get caught up in the action point of Hans Gruber taking over the Nakatomi building is because his motivation is so simple that it needs no explanation: money. It is genius that money was the case, because if it was politics he would have had to explain somehow what they were (Lefty? Righty? Foreign? American? Goals? Point of violence?).

So, since computers aren’t motivated by money, we still have to somehow—even if it is a throwaway—answer the question of why the computer went bad. I mean, maybe it’s as simple as somebody tripped on a cord, or spilled coffee on the motherboard (how big would the motherboard be on a planet-sized computer?), or maybe it’s as complex as the matrix-o-thon looping realities, etc. etc.

In any case, it’s not a big deal—we can come up with something—but we should be prepared to answer that question if we pick Liber XII to work on.

I like your monk idea, but what about instead of him stepping up when everybody dies, I think he should come to realize that something is wrong, and he knows how to fix it. Nobody will listen to him despite his protestations and because they listen to the elder supposedly-wise monks, many people die. Our boy leads a small band of rag-tag outsider monks (some comical, some weak, some geeky, some freaky) to take on the computer, which pisses off the establishment monks, and they boot the rag-taggers out of the safe hiding place. But, the rag-tag group triumphs saving everybody, and the establishment issues an edict that they were wrong four hundred years after the young monk dies. Oh wait, we should speed that up for the movies—make it 100 years.

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Round 1.5 [Liber XII v. Rasputin the Translator] posted by kza

POINT OF ODOR!

Lisa stinks.

POINT OF ORDER!

I should let Burley and eveyone else know that, right now at least, I don’t plan on Spitball!ing on the weekends. As Burley knows, there are other projects that need my attention as well, and I haven’t been able to give them the attention they need. Hopefully, I’ll be able to give them the same kind of momentum that this has, and then I’ll be able to weave working on them with working on this. But right now, they need their own days. Feed me! Feed me! they say.

AND NOW…

Here’s my kinda-sorta x>y>z for Rasputin: Aliens land > there’s some kind of misunderstanding because of the way the aliens communicate and something bad happens > tensions rise between aliens and humans > Smart Agent realizes there’s a connection between alien language/method of communication and this crazy, brilliant guy she’s read about who lives in the wood > she goes to track him down > there are complications, but she finds him > he’s unwilling to help > she finds just the thing to persuade him to help > he goes to help and talk the aliens into not disintegrating us > but wait, he can communicate with them, but the humans can’t — what’s he really saying? How do we know he’s on the level? > Smart Agent looks into Rasputin’s past > Finds some clue or some revelation that gives her some insight as to what’s really going down > she has to hurry back to the scene of negotiations — it isn’t what the humans think it is! > she gets there just in time to stop it — but is she really correct in her suspicions? Or did she just fuck everything up?

Something like that. That’s awfully vague, but hopefully gives you some idea of how I see this thing.

And to answer my own “con” from my last post (and as something of a warning): If this idea is selected, both in terms of this round and the contest as a whole, my approach will be Everything I Need To Know About The Story Is Contained In The “Rasputin” Character. That is, the aliens, what their deal is, the Agent, the world of the story, everything I really need to know I plan to get by designing this character. I’m not saying this is the best way, but it’s the only way I can imagine finding an “in” for this story for myself.

Oh, and for the record, I don’t see him as evil. Crazy, messed-up, untrustworthy, bad hygeine, violent… yes. But not evil.

And now let’s see if I can give Liber XII a little sugar.

Yes, to me the “evilness” of the computer is something of a MacGuffin. Or to go back to Die Hard, while it’s interesting and cool that Hans Gruber has taken over the Nakatomi building for money and not politics like everyone assumes — is it important? No. What it’s important is that Hans Gruber has taken over the Nakatomi building. Thus, the evilness in the computer is just there to set it all into motion.

Maybe that’s the hang-up — if we look at this from a Sequence Structure perspective (and boy oh boy, that’s gonna need its own blog entry down the line), then the computer planet going bad is the Point of Attack (the storm clouds) and presumably the planet killing someone and taking over the operation (or something like that) is the Predicament. But what’s the Main Tension? What does the protagonist want? What is the majority of the second act about? Sure, he probably wants to escape and/or destroy the computer. But if so, then what’s the Third Act about? And if not — if that is the Third Act— again, what’s the Second Act about?

(Slightly OT and about Die Hard again: It should be noted that the screenwriter of Die Hard considered the first two acts over in the first 20 pages or so, and considered the remainder of the movie to be the Third Act. Which I found interesting.)

So it looks like the question for Liber XII is not unlike the one for Rasputin: who is this character? This is as about as hacky as it gets, but I think he’s low on the totem pole, both in age and rank. His job is something pretty lame compared to the other monks’ — while others get to interface with the computer and manipulate data, etc., he’s out emptying latrines and fixing leaks in the undergound chambers and there are ugly space rats and space roaches running around down there. Or maybe like Steven Seagal, he’s just a cook. So obviously the first point of order for the evil computer is to kill all the elder monks, and that’s when the Little Monk reluctantly comes forward to lead the others in defeating the evil computer.

Jesus. Can I have my million dollars now, Mr. Bruckheimer?

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Round 1.4 [Liber XII v. Rasputin the Translator] posted by Martin

Ah questions. Do I need them?

Hell yeah! Working, as you said, from the outside in I’m having trouble seeing the plot line continuum in Liber XII story—but, I also think it’s funny that you’re not seeing it as much in Rasputin—I say funny because it doesn’t surprise me that we’re having trouble seeing the other person’s plot, which tells me that I think there is more imagining going on in our heads that isn’t making it to the page here. But, that’s okay—that’s what this process is for, after all…

Liber XII: In relation to your story, I guess I see it as a more smarty-pants film than you, and maybe that’s holding me up. Although I can see that it’s man-against-nature, in a sense—a hostile environment, but I guess I don’t know why the computer is evil, and that’s also holding up the plot for me. I also want to know if its actually possible for a computer to be evil. I mean, some computers can be pretty badass, but are they evil?

Joking aside (Oh wait, was that a joke? I guess they have to be funny to be considered so…), the real deal is this: computers are logic circuits, and if they had a personality it would be an artificial one. Sure, we can get all Star Trek and talk about sentient artificial lives such as Data, but I don’t think that’s appropriate to the story at hand here. Your plot point is planet goes bad, but how and why? To me, this raises tremendous issues that have to be dealt with before we can figure out plot.

Now, it could be that these issues are a MacGuffin, and frankly all we need to know is that the computer went bad. I can get over myself enough to see that—and, with your description, I’m seeing the scope of the piece better. So, maybe the key to getting this story to work would be putting myself on hold a bit, and just figuring out some big plot points, and then finessing as we go. I can see us doing that, and coming out with an action flick that is respectable. And can include veiled references to both Argentian blind geniuses, and Canadian power trios.

Rasputin the Translator: Here’s my x>y>z thang: Bad aliens appear, are bad > Puny human government impotent > Bad aliens marching on Washington (Moscow / Paris / London) > Rasputin appears and stops march > Rasputin wants unbelievable, and unfair, reward for helping humans > Humans have moral dilemma > Aliens bristle > Rasputin plays his cards > Someone wins.

Of course, in between is a lot of politics. I see this primarily as a political thriller, but I think we need a fair measure of destruction-o-thon to make it read as scary and viable. That would make Rasputin more messianic when he appears—and he kind of would be. I think some people would worship him, and some would want to kill him and just give in to the all powerful aliens.

I think, as you said, this one would be harder than Liber XII, but I think that not because the skin of the story isn’t there, in my mind, but because we’ll be dealing with politics and human condition. But, then I think: How would Altman handle this? How would Cronenberg handle this? I mean—just because it’s a political thriller doesn’t mean it has to be Airforce One—I can see this getting a bit subversive, frankly. How can it not when the main character is an evil, bearded psychic?

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Round 1.3 [Liber XII v. Rasputin the Translator] posted by kza

Ah, there’s nothing like a heartfelt apology first thing in the morning! Gets the blood moving!

I’m not quite ready to put this round to bed just yet. I’m definitely leaning one way, but I want to talk it out some more. Due to the weird circumstances, I feel the need to defend both ideas like they’re both gonna get the axe if I don’t try hard.

Liber XII: It’s funny to me that you don’t think the description lends itself to plot easily — to me, it’s one of the most straightforward of the ideas (guys and planet get along > planet goes bad > planet starts killing people > survivors fight back > someone, probably a survivor, wins). Actually, though, this dovetails with something we’ve talked about before, how I like to work from the inside>out and you like to work from the outside>in. You have all these good questions (Why would it have to be huge? Would these monks have advanced vacuum tube technology that needs constant tending?), yet, I read them and think, “I don’t really care at this point”. But (and correct me if I’m wrong) you need this — you need to be able to see it in kind of an objective way, as real thing, that a movie “just happens” to capture a small part of. While I, on the other hand, want to see it as the simplest possible expression of a general, common, dramatic idea — to me, this story is only really different from Rachel, My Dear in the details. It’s about a character fighting against an environment that is conscious and evil. (Maybe you have a different take on Rachel, My Dear, but that’s Round 7.)

But again, while this story idea could be a lot of different things, to me it’s a pretty straightforward action flick with some cool ideas and cool visuals. It’s Die Hard on an evil sentient planet. If that isn’t interesting to you (and I don’t blame you if it isn’t), then it either needs a big infusion of Something Else or it should probably be canned.

Rasputin the Translator: This one definitely isn’t an action flick, although there should probably be some action sequences. This seems like a political thriller to me… except, no. You can probably attach a lot of tags to it, but right now it they slide right off. I like that, but that can be problematic as well. If it’s neither fish nor fowl, there can be confusion as to the direction it’s supposed to go, or what the tone is, and, going back to your favorite bugaboo word, genre, when the genre is agreed upon, there’s an agreed upon set of conventions and ideas to calibrate the new story against.

Another funny thing: you didn’t see the story in Liber XII, but while I see the possibility of a story in Rasputin, I’m not sure what it is, exactly. I can’t do that x>y>z thing like I did above. The description of it makes me wanna see it — but if I saw it in a theater, that means I didn’t have to do the hard work of building and revealing the mysteries :-) To me, this one looks a lot harder than Liber XII, but, of course, that’s because I like to have a dramatic skeleton to fall back on. The question of scale is an important one, but not nearly as difficult or important in the scheme of things, imo. (Or put another way: I know I can handle it, no prob. I know you know you can, too :-)

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Re[2]: Burley's Ready to Vote posted by Martin

To the board, the readers, the judges, and most importantly—my compatriot Urban Shockah. I would like to sincerely apologize for my breech of rules and—if appropriate—ethics. Though no words can excuse my actions, I do humbly ask for leniency in the face of our important needlessly complex rules, and will do my best in the future to follow them to the T.

Mr. Shockah, I eagerly await your next post, and will continue as specified in the rules. Thank you for your time, consideration, and—of course—your patience.

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Re: Burley's Ready to Vote posted by kza

POINT OF ORDER!

You’ve gone out of turn, mister. I get to either post or make a choice, then you get to go.

Go back three spaces!

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Round One: Burley's Ready to Vote posted by Martin

And that’s all he has to say about it.

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Round 1.2 [Liber XII v. Rasputin the Translator] posted by Martin

Liber XII (Shockah rank: #1, Burley rank: #8)

v.

Rasputin the Translator (Shockah rank: #1, Burley rank: #13)

DING DING DING! ROUND ONE-POINT-TWO! FIGHT!

Liber XII


Pros:
These ideas fill me with questions. I like questions. I want to know about the computers—are they big square things that tower over the rocky surface of the planet? Are they like limestone cathedrals where the walls themselves are the computer? What is the interface? Is it a divine apparition? These things fascinate me—but are they the plot of a movie? Well, I’m sure they could be.

I love that this idea reminds me of Deep Thought and Douglas Adams. I love the idea of monastic hackers, essentially, and as a computer as a repository for all the worlds information—that’s the Borges connection. Like Borges, do monks wander the halls endlessly? Data is nothing without context—what are the contextual engines?

I also would love the challenge of imagining what a massive computer in the future would be like. Why would it have to be huge? Would these monks have advanced vacuum tube technology that needs constant tending? If so, how fast is the computer, and what is it achilles heel?

Even more importantly, what makes it go bad? Is it purposeful, or is it the computer itself? Is it a mistake, or part of it’s logical growth?

Finally, this idea could yield a rich world of history—if the computer knows everything that there is to know, then the monks are historians and librarians—both feeding new data into the system, and keeping the old data alive. Some would look through it—and I want to know what they’re looking at. The story, then, could easily take on metaphor from todays world. The style could be very direct and almost vérité.

Cons:
But like Borges, is it filmable? What’s the direct line of action? Who is our main character, and what do they want? Is it a monk trying against time to save the computer from itself? Or space marines called in when the computer goes haywire?

A big box sitting there and computing is not very exciting. We’d have to give the computer a personality (how will you do that, Dave? Dave? What are you doing? I’m not sure I like what you’re doing Dave…).

The description itself doesn’t lend itself to plot quite easily, in my mind. I think it would take a lot of exploration and refining to find out who our characters are, how they lose control of the computer, and how—in the end—everything is resolved.

Rasputin the Translator

Pros:
This idea intrigues me because of exactly why it does you—this very strong character, both good and evil in his own way, as the bridge between worlds that can’t understand each other. But how? Are the aliens earless and eyeless and our bearded man can speak to them telepathically? What if he only appears evil, but in the end is good? There’s so many places we could go from here, and all of them are based around strong characters.

First, our Rasputin. Second, the government agents (or, as you very adroitly pointed out, more than one government) would be in conflict among themselves—then, the translator, and if we chose to show their side of things, the aliens as well. It could be a great political tug-of-war where each side is trying to outthink the other, and none are getting very far until they unhand the only truly powerful person in this story—our man.

And what a character—somebody obviously exploiting an impossible circumstance, but unlike many cookie-cutter villains, the circumstances are not of his making. And the strongest moral question that can be asked is that of one’s character when confronted with opportunity. Just what rules would you bend, and what bridges would you burn?

Cons:

Scale. How do we make it human? How do we keep it contained? Can we tell an epic story this large on the small scale that we have to work with? How do we keep him mysterious, but in total control? Is there too much story here? Where is our hero? From what angle do we attack it? Any way you slice it, this is a big damn pie.

One last note: It may indeed be quixotic, but there are many great movies that have been made from works in the public domain. Including one role that every male actor worth his salt has always wanted to try (y’know, that Scottish one). Just because it’s out there, doesn’t kill a movie—although, as you said, it does make it less likely. Still, I think that should embolden us. We are not writing for ourselves to sell and profit—we are writing for the world to own, and this work should be of our highest possible caliber for that very reason.

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Lies, Damn Lies... posted by kza

and the Spitball! General Enthusiasm Meter.

As Burley knows, I have a fondness for statistics, even though I don’t know what most of them mean and I can barely add. But that doesn’t stop me. (Nothing stops the Shockah, man.) Below, using a really stupid formula I invented (that I’m sure anyone can figure out if they tried), I’ve listed the Top 16 story ideas in order of General Enthusiasm, which is based on a 1-100 point scale. It may be a predictor of future success; it could be pure and utter wank; it could be both.

1. The Atheist 94
2. If It Pleases The Court 90
3. Little Black Stray 90
4. Liber XII 86
5. Chimerica 86
6. La Commune Planet 84
7. Robots in Love 78
8. The Exodus 78
9. Rasputin the Translator 76
10. The Infected 76
11. Reminiscence 72
12. Time to Die 72
13. Methane Madness 72
14. Rachel, My Dear 70
15. The Scabs 64
16. Cop on the Hunt 48

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Round One [Liber XII v. Rasputin the Translator] posted by kza

Liber XII (Shockah rank: #1, Burley rank: #8)

v.

Rasputin the Translator (Shockah rank: #1, Burley rank: #13)

FIGHT!

(Note: As fate would have it, for the very first battle, something that doesn’t have any set format and something I’ve never done before, I have to pit my two favorite story ideas against each other. What I’m saying is, expect this first entry, especially the “con” section, to be a little light.)

Liber XII In a world built to hold the accumulated knowledge of the universe, the monks of Liber XII tend to the databases from birth to death. But when an alien computer virus finds its way into the memory banks, the monks are imprisoned on a sentient planet that knows every way to control — every way to punish — and every way to kill ever invented. Can the monks stop Liber XII from destroying the universe?

Pros: Here’s what’s awesome about this idea:

I like the idea of a clear-cut villain. While some screenplays need a more nuanced antagonist, there are some where a straight-up, evil-as-hell bad guy works just fine, and this is one of them. And here we have an evil supercomputer that has control over a world and all its workings, and knows every method of torture and killing ever created. That’s scary as fuck, imo. (And yeah, it’s a lot like Harlan Ellison’s I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream, but I see this as more actiony, and a helluva lot more hopeful.) A story like this lives and dies by its villain, and this one has the potential to be a great one.

We also have an opportunity to create a really interesting, possibly unique world, what with the monks who are born and raised on this planet where they store all the knowledge of the universe, but presumably they never leave the planet. So they have all this info about life elsewhere, but they never get to actually experience it and live it for themselves. (Perhaps the protag has a dream of getting off the planet and seeing the universe?) And of course, it seems like the information needed for stopping the evil computer is located within the computer itself.

And that’s another thing: I see this kinda like Bester’s stories, where we set up some seemingly-impossible conflicts (hell, fighting against a friggin’ planet seems impossible enough) and then find some amazingly clever way of defeating them. I loooove stories like that.

Oh, and here’s an idea: to go with the whole Rush thing, it could be a rock opera :-)

Cons: While I think the idea as a whole is pretty interesting and kind of unique, it’s clearly built from the history of SF. There’s Harlan Ellison and Rush there, and there’s Isaac Asimov as well (I think; it reminds me of Foundation, which I’ve never read.) I don’t know if this is really a problem, but I can see how it could be. I mean, I certainly wouldn’t want to be sued by anyone. (Not over this, at least.) And part of me’s afraid of be tagged as an unimaginative hack because of the “scavenged parts” quality of the concept.

But that’s nothing to do with the story, tho. Biggest problem: do we have what it takes to create impossible conflicts (probably) and then solve them (speaking for myself, dunno). While generally I’m attracted to challenges in a script, a nagging voice in the back of my head is telling me that I’m not going to be able to deliver on this idea to the extent that I want.

But that’s not really about the story either, is it? Other than personal shite, I’m not sure I have a lot of cons for this just yet.

Rasputin the Translator In a World contacted by a sentient and potentially violent alien race, one man—bearded and wild eyed—is the only person on earth who can translate between the languages of humans and the language of the aliens. But this strange man is not only hostile to both sides of the debate, he is also untrustworthy, and possibly manipulating the negotiations to his own ends. With all of Earth being turned into a prison as the stakes, one government has a very limited time to not only unravel the mysteries of the alien language, but also the history of the interpreter.

Pros: This one’s awesome for a number of reasons.

As I mentioned earlier, it’s inspired by Roky Erickson’s “The Interpreter”, which I’ve wanted to turn into a story for years. (Reminder to Shockah’s brain: put some goddang Roky on the new computer.) Generally, that’s enough to keep me going for the long haul. (One could get lost in the near-bottomless depths of Roky’s crazy-ass imagination.)

This idea also reminds me of another great SF book that I should loan to you, Ian Watson’s The Embedding. That is also about comminicating with aliens, although it also involves the Amazon, natives to the Amazon and their rituals, kids with brain disorders, nukes, and French Symbolist poetry (!). So there’s definitely an attraction there because of that, and it would be neat to write a story that involves one man (and, as I see it so far, another person, probably a woman, who’s looking for him and then trying to deal with him) and the whole world at the same time. There’s a personal drama and then a world-wide drama that are linked. I’m not saying this is new by any means, just that that kind of structure intrigues me. And I love that the world-wide drama is linked to this Ted Kaczynski-esque, wild-eyed man.

Also, if we absolutely nailed the character of the Interpreter, wrote him to perfection… that’s exactly the kind of showy, Oscar-bait role that Super Actors drool over and try to get made. It’s the Hannibal Lecter, it’s the Marshal Sam Gerard, it’s the Aileen Wuornos kind of role. He seems hatable, but clearly has fascinating characteristics that grab me, and presumably would grab an audience. (Or maybe I find characters who are crazy and isolated but also brilliant immensely attractive — after all, this could also describe Obi-Wan.)

Another interesting thing: you said that “a government” is looking for the Interpreter (I know you changed it to “Translator”, but some things will die very hard deaths), but obviously not necessarily our government, which raises interesting questions: has the U.S. government written off Mr. I? Are they playing an angle, like Mr. I, who would ruin it for them? If so, which government is looking into Mr. I? France? Ireland? Zimbabwe? Canada? (That reminds me of another short story I read in an SF magazine a long time ago, but that’s for another time.)

Cons:

The biggest con for me is same as one of the pros: since this script will be public domain, it seems highly unlikely that anyone will actually make it. Therefore, spending a lot of time on what to me is an actor’s showcase might be silly or even quixotic. (Not to say it wouldn’t make a good calling card — I think anything we do will make a good calling card — but one that cries out for performance and uh, interpretation that it will never see makes me sad :insert tearful face here:)

But that’s all I really have for this, as well.

ONE LAST NOTE: Burley, if any of my extrapolations on characters or situations or ideas about these stories is different from yours, please be sure to talk about yours. Just cuz I went first doesn’t mean I get to set the terms of this debate.

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Re:[2] The Playoffs! -- Rules of Engagement posted by kza

Motion passes!

So, barring any other communications or crazy ideas, my next post should be the first salvo.

To those about to rock… we salute you!

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Re: The Playoffs! -- Rules of Engagement posted by Martin

I have to confess, needlessly complex rules are intriguing to me as well, despite the fact that I’m not much of a gamer because I tend to get confused by the needlessly complex rules and would rather just read a book. But, I think I’ll be able to track these just fine.

I like what you have proposed such far, but have one modification and one suggestion.

Modification: (referring to #4/#5): I want to keep as much as possible online, so I think we should post when we have made choices and not. Let’s communicate through the blog alone—otherwise, this turn-based posting is good.

Suggestion: If we come to a stalemate, I propose that the each has to write up an overview of the idea that they don’t like as much, and what changes they would make to it to make it better than the post they are arguing for. This can, of course, include adding the plot of the post they are arguing for to the one they don’t like as much, so long as it includes or is strongly based on the idea they are modifying—so this may become a compromise, or may spark an idea that draws from one or either, but is superior. Then, we vote again on these hybrid-wildcard versions. If this yields no clear favorite, then I suggest we declare stalemate on this round and move on to the next. We will come back and revisit the stalemate when we are through the next series of rounds.

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The Playoffs! -- Rules of Engagement posted by kza

Again, because I’m a geeky gamer at heart and am stimulated by needlessly complex rules, I present the following guidelines for determining the results of the playoffs:

1. The player who has been selected to start the round (in this case, me) will make a post, entitled “Round XX” (whatever number it is.) That person will, on the same post, discuss the pros and cons of both story seeds. (Since this process is done by post, it will inevitably become fragmented; thus, I suggest that the first and second posts have all the relevant information to start.)

2. When the first player puts up the first post, the second player will put up a post with the same information: the pros and cons of both story seeds.

3. When that’s done, the first player has two choices: he may either post again, or make a choice. If he decides to post again, then he may post on anything he wants, relevant to the story seeds in question: pros, cons, questions, generally spitballing of the story ideas, etc. When that post is up, the second player my then also either post again, or make a choice.

4. Making a Choice: When one of the players feels he knows without a single doubt which is the best story idea, he will contact the other player offline and tell them that he’s made his choice. The other player has two options: he can make his choice as well, or say he’s not ready. If he’s ready to make a choice, see #5 below. If he says he’s not ready, then the player who made his choice and contacted the other one must make a new post. (Thus, throwing the “Post or Choice” option to the other player.)

5. Both Players Have Made A Choice: If a player has contacted the other player offline to make a choice, and the other player is ready to make his choice as well, then both players will reveal their choices simultaneously to each other. If both choices are the same, then the first player will make a post indicating that a winner has been chosen. If they are different, then the first player will make a post indicating that each story seed has a “sponsor”, and that everything just got harder :-)

6. And then both players will go back and forth, making posts, trying to make the best case for his favorite story seed, and hopefully will come to an agreement. (This is the only thing I’m not really sure about — if you have some ideas for tiebreakers, I’d like to hear them.)

IN SUMMARY:

If a player makes a choice and the other player doesn’t want to make a choice at that time, or has a different choice, then the player who initiated the choice must immediately make a new post.

A NOTE ON PROS AND CONS

Generally, the pros can be anything you want — whatever gets you excited about the story seed, as well as ideas on how to expand the seed into a larger story. Cons, though: since these are fragile, wee little things, I don’t think they can really take any sustained criticisms. So “cons” should be more like “misgivings”, probably phrased as questions: How would this work? I don’t understand this — can you explain it? Something like that.

What do you think? (I’ll be working on the first battle post as you think about it — it’ll probably take a little bit of time.)

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Re: In A World -- Thoughts on the Process posted by Martin

Idea length: I agree with you that longer is not necessarily better, but it sure is clearer. I think that, despite the strength of our ideas, what the other person is really reacting to is their own interpretation of the idea. I would guess that we’re going to encounter situations where your understanding of my ideas is much different than my original concept, and vice-versa. So, the process becomes one of re-pitching the idea—which might speak to the gap in some of the stories between your ranking and mine. Which leads me to:

The Scabs: I’ll defend this one more later, but I loved the encapsulation of class issues recast as android-human issues, starring the robots as the socialists and the humans as the capitalists. That’s just damn brilliant. It answers the age-old-question: how can you talk about political issues without activating political triggers?

Rachel My Dear: This one was a bit of a wild card, I’ll confess, but it’s a psychological thriller that would make Fincher wring his hands. I definitely see something there, that I’ll hopefully elucidate well when it goes up against Methane Madness (which, I’m not all that excited about. I’m gonna fight hard…).

Music: Out of your music, I knew: the Burrito’s song, Galaxie 500, and (surprise surprise) Stevie & Tom. I’m gonna make some links to all these songs in iTunes later, so we can all hear them, especially the ones we don’t know. I feel like I totally scored with my iTunes picks—they were all interesting, and with the exception of Black Little Stray (which is more evocative and less definitive in message) and Because, I had no trouble coming up with stories from the music. Even when Roky threw me a loop, when I thought the line “Will he leave Moscow?” was “Will he eat my scalp?” but then that was just a shoe-in for sci-fi, eh? The interpreter is gonna eat your scalp? That’s a motherfucking BADASS interpreter. He rules whatever he interprets. Thus Rasputin….

As for The Angry Youth: you know, that vaguely rings a bell, but I can’t say it’s more than that. I’ll stick with Poochie!

And the playoffs: I’m glad we’re starting out with a tough match. I think it will make the whole process more interesting. In the spirit of this, I think we should allow a rule: after the initial defense of the stories, we should be allowed to add detail to them. So, we start out arguing the germ of an idea, but if no clear winner emerges we can offer bargaining chips, such as “What if Poochie! was voiced by Homer?” (which reminds me, if you Google “homer voice”, Google is smart enough to say “See reults for Dan Castelleneta”), then we can avoid stalemates, and enhance the stories at the same time. Whattya think?

Personally, I’m ready. Let the games of Spitball! begin!

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The Playoffs! posted by Martin

Okay—now that all the answers are in, we have the first round drafts ready to go head to head. I’ve taken the liberty of matching them up. Burley won the coin toss, so his picks are listed 1-8 against mine, listed 8-1.

ROUND ONE
Liber XII v. Rasputin the Translator

ROUND TWO
La Commune Planet v. Robots in Love

ROUND THREE
The Exodus v. Little Black Stray

ROUND FOUR
Chimerica v. The Atheist

ROUND FIVE
The Infected v. If It Pleases the Court

ROUND SIX
Reminiscence v. Time to Die

ROUND SEVEN
Rachel, My Dear v. Methane Madness

ROUND EIGHT
The Scabs v. Cop On the Hunt

So—now what? Sir, I think you should go first. Although I’m pretty sure how to proceed, I would like you to set the pace. I’ll follow suit quickly. The battle is enjoined!

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The Envelope, Please... (Burley's Picks) posted by Martin

Okay—a crazy time picking, but it was much like yours in that my highest ranked came out to 8. I think we have some good concepts on the table, and arguing them is going to be difficult. I’ll play along and argue my ground, but I also truthfully can see working on any of these.

So, without further adieu:

8. Liber XII (Shockah rank: #1)
In a world built to hold the accumulated knowledge of the universe, the monks of Liber XII tend to the databases from birth to death. But when an alien computer virus finds its way into the memory banks, the monks are imprisoned on a sentient planet that knows every way to control — every way to punish — and every way to kill ever invented. Can the monks stop Liber XII from destroying the universe?

7. La Commune Planet (Shockah rank: #3)
In a world constructed for the pleasure of the ultra-rich, every vice can be had — for a price. But beneath the smiling exterior of the friendly staff, there lurks a growing resentment. When a group of ascetics destroy access to the planet’s hidden interdimensional gateway, the employees sieze the chance to declare independence from the governement and its backers. But as they take the profits and the pleasures for themselves, pressures and conflicting desires threaten to blow the planet to smithereens

6. The Exodus (Shockah rank: #7)
In a world where the Earth is nothing more than a black cinder, the last surviving humans live on orbiting space stations, trying to make the best out of an impossible situation. Some are resigned to being the end of the human race, some think the Earth can be rebuilt and repopulated… and one scientist thinks he’s found a signal from an alien race. Are they really out there? Can they save the human race? But presenting the evidence will start a civil war in space, and threaten to end humanity prematurely.

5. Chimerica (Shockah rank: #4)
In a world almost exactly like our own, America has lost its place as the prime superpower, and China has taken over. Chinese language and customs have been absorbed into American culture, and have irrevocably changed the face of the country. The cold war between China and India is heating up, and when a terrorist act is committed on Chinese soil, the culprits are traced back to America. China puts a lockdown on America, sending in troops to root out the terrorist cells and throwing the country into a state of emergency. One family will witness everything, from the beginning of the invasion to the terrifying aftermath, and will try to hold onto one another as everything they hold dear

4. The Infected (Shockah rank: #10)
In a world where telepathy is a disease and the infected are prisoners, one woman will discover a shocking truth that could change everything… but on a world where a mind can be read as easily as opening a book, how can any secret be safe?

3. Reminiscence (Shockah rank: #13)
In a world where genetic and social engineering have eliminated violent crime and other offenses, there is only one punishable infraction: Nostalgia. In order to keep the populace in line, the past must be eliminated, keeping everyone in a blissful present-tense existence. But some insist on remembering, collecting and hoarding pieces of the past to keep it alive. Tom was the greatest of all them, blessed and cursed with an eidetic memory. But when he’s betrayed to the authorities, Tom finds himself on the prison planet, forced to find a way to survive, all alone on a harsh — yet beautiful — landscape. Can his knowlege of the past help him, or even save him? Or will he be prey to the predators on the planet, both alien and human?

2. Rachel, My Dear (Shockah rank: #15)
Rachel had it all: a promising new career, loyal friends, and a loving fiancé. But one morning, she wakes up to find it all gone — and discovers herself in a world of brick and glass, imprisoned by an architectural madman. She need only confess her love for him to be free — but Rachel is going to fight back.

1. The Scabs (Shockah rank: #19)
In a world designed by engineers to be a self-sufficient, endlessly exploitable resource for the rest of the known galaxy, robots toil tirelessly in the fields, the forests and the mountains, providing food and raw materials for a rapidly expanding market. But when a series of accidents destroys some of the mining robots, the rest of the metal workforce decide to strike and power off, leaving the humans that depend on the planet in the lurch. A taskforce is assembled to get the planet up and running again while a negotiator tries to get the robots back online. While the taskforce tries to relearn the long-forgotten principles of farming and manufacturing, the negotiator accidentally reveals the existence of the taskforce… and the robots, realizing that their existence could be usurped by the humans, decide to go on the off

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Re: In A World -- Google Image Challenge! posted by Martin

I think it’s really interesting how we started with these 50 doing simple evocative wisps of ideas, and then ended up writing nearly complete log-lines. These are among your strongest, I think—but also the deepest and best explained—so maybe I’m reacting to that. We’ll have to poll my picks and see if I’m weighted towards these.

I particularly like that you broke the time barrier (the past! What a concept!), and broadened the scope into more human concerns. Our struggle, if doing sci-fi, will be in finding that human balance.

One note about The Angry Youth—I’m not sure which MTV program you were referring to, but it made me think about something else entirely.

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And The Nominees Are... (Shockah's Envelope) posted by kza

This is kinda like when Siskel & Ebert used to have thier own awards show, where they’d each open an envelope and announce their best movies of the year, etc.

So I took Burley’s 25 ideas and gave them a ranking of 1-3: 1 if I just wasn’t interested in the idea, 2 for ideas that had something interesting to them but were lacking some kind of “hook” to really draw me in, and 3 for the ideas I’m ready to jump into. I had plans for what to do if there were too many or too few 3s, but as fate would have it, I came up with exactly eight 3s.

And it’s an interesting list — I think Burley will be surprised. The 3s run the gamut of his Top 25, not really from one particular area, and just because it was in his Top 5, for example, doesn’t mean it’ll have the same ranking in my Top 8.

As you’ll see now. And the nominees are, from least favorite (comparatively; I truly dig all these ideas) to most favorite:

1. Cop On the Hunt (Burley rank: #20) In a world where galactic criminals are rounded and left to die on one planet, one man—a crooked cop—must penetrate their violent society to spring a prison break with the leader of the most ruthless gang. If he succeeds, his name is clear. If he fails, Earth will fall to INVADING IMPATIENT ALIENS.

2. Methane Madness (Burley rank: #9) In a World where stranded humans must guard themselves from a poisonous atmosphere, one scientist finds a process for rendering the air on the planet breathable. The only problem is, the planet is a prison and the guards will kill them all if they found out about the experiments.

3. Time to Die (Burley rank: #10) In a World where death itself is beaten by genetic regeneration, a guard is killed during a riot on the prison planet. One woman—his wife—faces sure death to retrieve his body in time to bring him back to life. It’s a race against time, with one nearly resourcesless woman willfully fighting like a juggernaut against the prisoners who are holding his body hostage, and the powers that be that think she should just give up. All to simply save the man she loves from eternal death.

4. If It Pleases the Court (Burley rank: #2) In a World where crimes are judged and juried by encrypted, anonymous computer terminals, one jury foreman doesn’t realize that the man she’s arguing so strongly should be committed to the Prison Planet for life is actually her husband—and the crime he’s accused of—but hasn’t committed yet—is murdering her.

5. The Atheist (Burley rank: #1) In a world devout to an all powerful god, one man uncovers exposes an unspeakable truth: their planet wasn’t carved by a deity, it was created to hold the most dangerous prisoners in the galaxy: their ancestors. What crime is so unspeakable that not only you will be punished for committing it, but all of your heirs will as well? And what happens when you find out that your captors are still watching your every move?

6. Little Black Stray (Burley rank: #4) In a World where violent male offenders are sent to labor camps on the remote prison planet, one crew of hardened men finds something impossible: a young woman in tattered clothes, mute and frightened. A small group protect and feed her, keeping her out of site of the guards and away from those who would use her mercilessly. As she gains in strength it seems that she has an agenda—and the truth of what she was doing on a world where no women stepped before might be a big enough secret to shatter the whole planet of forced labor.

7. Robots in Love (Burley rank: #11) In a World where robots are immature, but can easily pass the turning test, one young android idolizes a slightly older movie star, and tries everything in his power to become like his idol. As part of his transformation, the robot works at becoming quite the ladies man, but his game is called when he meets a girl that actually likes him and that he doesn’t have to chase. She would certainly never sleep with him if she knew he was an android, but being an android he is physically incapable of sleeping with her. Will truth ruin love, or can the technology-crossed-lovers find a way to remain together?

8. Rasputin the Translator (Burley rank: #13) In a World contacted by a sentient and potentially violent alien race, one man—bearded and wild eyed—is the only person on earth who can translate between the languages of humans and the language of the aliens. But this strange man is not only hostile to both sides of the debate, he is also untrustworthy, and possibly manipulating the negotiations to his own ends. With all of Earth being turned into a prison as the stakes, one government has a very limited time to not only unravel the mysteries of the alien language, but also the history of the interpreter.

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List of Worlds, Shockah Stylee posted by kza

Here’s my 25 contributions, ranked in the order of preference. The criteria: how excited I’d be to just jump in and start writing based on the premise. Please note that the rankings probably contradict previous rankings of favorites. Them’s the breaks.

Also, as Burley could (should) tell you, I shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the titling of a piece, nor naming characters. I really suck at that. (Or I hate it, I haven’t figured out which.)

The 25:

1. Liber XII: In a world built to hold the accumulated knowledge of the universe, the monks of Liber XII tend to the databases from birth to death. But when an alien computer virus finds its way into the memory banks, the monks are imprisoned on a sentient planet that knows every way to control — every way to punish — and every way to kill ever invented. Can the monks stop Liber XII from destroying the universe?

2. Oasis: In a world where information is the only currency, and ideas can be contracted like diseases, one woman finds the ultimate oasis in a universe of data. But to keep it, she’ll have to fight the most hardened and despicable people in the galaxy: the prisoners of Dante IV.

3. La Commune Planet: In a world constructed for the pleasure of the ultra-rich, every vice can be had — for a price. But beneath the smiling exterior of the friendly staff, there lurks a growing resentment. When a group of ascetics destroy access to the planet’s hidden interdimensional gateway, the employees sieze the chance to declare independence from the governement and its backers. But as they take the profits and the pleasures for themselves, pressures and conflicting desires threaten to blow the planet to smithereens

4. Chimerica: In a world almost exactly like our own, America has lost its place as the prime superpower, and China has taken over. Chinese language and customs have been absorbed into American culture, and have irrevocably changed the face of the country. The cold war between China and India is heating up, and when a terrorist act is committed on Chinese soil, the culprits are traced back to America. China puts a lockdown on America, sending in troops to root out the terrorist cells and throwing the country into a state of emergency. One family will witness everything, from the beginning of the invasion to the terrifying aftermath, and will try to hold onto one another as everything they hold dear is crumbles around them.

5. The Museum: In Iowa in the 1940s, in a world of small-town friendliness, small-town pieties, and small-town diminished expectations, Charlie and his longtime gal Thena (short for Athena) yearn to escape from their lives and find a place for themselves in the big wide world. But when Thena’s dad, Professor Lombardi, has a stroke, it threatens to undo his work on the proposed expansion to the town’s antiquities museum. Thena must take over lest the expansion be scratched, and Charlie sells his bus tickets to be with her. But there’s something mysterious about the museum that Professor Lombardi never told anyone — something both fantastic and dangerous, and during one long night in the museum, Charlie and Thena will come face-to-face with it.

6. Preternatural: In a world where vampires and werewolves prowl the galaxy, and the Ultimate Evil plots the downfall the Last Free Men, one man will find hope where he leasts expects it: in the hearts of the most dangerous criminals the world has ever seen. There’s only one problem: they’re locked away in the most impregnable prison ever created.

7. The Exodus: In a world where the Earth is nothing more than a black cinder, the last surviving humans live on orbiting space stations, trying to make the best out of an impossible situation. Some are resigned to being the end of the human race, some think the Earth can be rebuilt and repopulated… and one scientist thinks he’s found a signal from an alien race. Are they really out there? Can they save the human race? But presenting the evidence will start a civil war in space, and threaten to end humanity prematurely.

8. Another Day: In a world gone dead and grey from years of war and pollution, the last outpost in the Pacific Northwest attempts to survive from day-to-day in the hostile environment. Here, a little girl who’s never known the blue sky tries to keep her family from being ripped apart by hopelessness and the machinations of the Council, who will do anything to keep the outpost alive.

9. Cannibal Honeymoon: The Larsen Ski Lodge in the Colorado mountains is the most expensive and most technically-advanced ski lodge in the country, named “Best Place To Blow All Your Money In One Fell Swoop” by Ski Lodge Magazine in 2005. Mickey and Tammy are newlyweds on their honeymoon — but when the storm everyone said wouldn’t hit actually hits, the resulting snowfall traps everyone inside the Larsen Ski Lodge and isolates it from the rest of civilization. They have food, they have heat — it’s only a matter of time before they’re rescued, right? But days pass, food disappears, and the heat turns off — can Mickey and Tammy survive the other guests? Can they survive each other?

10. The Infected: In a world where telepathy is a disease and the infected are prisoners, one woman will discover a shocking truth that could change everything… but on a world where a mind can be read as easily as opening a book, how can any secret be safe?

11. Night World: In a world populated only by vampires, werewolves, and other creatures of darkness, one young ghoul yearns to escape the hierarchal, monster-eat-monster society. And when he discovers a hole into our universe, he finds the one thing he needs most: a friend. But the once the gate is open, the forces of the night, once dispelled from the human realm, seek to reclaim what was once theirs.

12. Non-Stop Rock Cabaret: In a world of fist-pumping rock ‘n roll and outrageous performances, two musicians, Sara and Johnny, join the Non-Stop Rock Cabaret, a continuous tour through the world that guarantees success – if the performers can make the necessary sacrifices. But when Sara and Johnny fall in love, they become bound to each other, an unmovable object in a storm of drugs, booze and lust. But will their love be able to escape the irresistable force that is the Non-Stop Rock Cabaret?

13. Reminiscence: In a world where genetic and social engineering have eliminated violent crime and other offenses, there is only one punishable infraction: Nostalgia. In order to keep the populace in line, the past must be eliminated, keeping everyone in a blissful present-tense existence. But some insist on remembering, collecting and hoarding pieces of the past to keep it alive. Tom was the greatest of all them, blessed and cursed with an eidetic memory. But when he’s betrayed to the authorities, Tom finds himself on the prison planet, forced to find a way to survive, all alone on a harsh — yet beautiful — landscape. Can his knowlege of the past help him, or even save him? Or will he be prey to the predators on the planet, both alien and human?

14. Skull County: A cross-country bus traveling through New Mexico encounters a mysterious gateway and breaks down in Skull County, a world of endless desert, vampire cycle gangs and deadly Vixens. Can this ragtag group — a children’s magician, an ex-firefighter, a retiree, a student, and a former Olympic boxer — survive in this hostile world without end and find a way home?

15. Rachel, My Dear: Rachel had it all: a promising new career, loyal friends, and a loving fiancé. But one morning, she wakes up to find it all gone — and discovers herself in a world of brick and glass, imprisoned by an architectural madman. She need only confess her love for him to be free — but Rachel is going to fight back.

16. Funeral Blues: In a world where no one dies and everyone lives forever, the universe’s most dangerous criminals are confined to one planet. But when one man, convicted of a crime he did not commit, finds an ancient secret under the planet’s surface, he finds the means to escape… that could… set… the universe… ON FIRE.

17. The Masque: In a world that is about to end in disease, blood and madness, the rich huddle in their extravagant compounds while the poor are left to die. As they amuse themselves with forbidden delights and wait for a new world to be born, a stranger emerges from the shadows to become the hit of the social scene. But what dark secret does he hide behind his black sunglasses?

18. For Your Own Good: In a world where there is no war and everything is provided for you, one technician discovers that this utopia is surrounded by a force-field, imprisoning the populace from the outside world. What he doesn’t realize is that the field isn’t there to keep them in — it’s to keep something out.

19. The Scabs: In a world designed by engineers to be a self-sufficient, endlessly exploitable resource for the rest of the known galaxy, robots toil tirelessly in the fields, the forests and the mountains, providing food and raw materials for a rapidly expanding market. But when a series of accidents destroys some of the mining robots, the rest of the metal workforce decide to strike and power off, leaving the humans that depend on the planet in the lurch. A taskforce is assembled to get the planet up and running again while a negotiator tries to get the robots back online. While the taskforce tries to relearn the long-forgotten principles of farming and manufacturing, the negotiator accidentally reveals the existence of the taskforce… and the robots, realizing that their existence could be usurped by the humans, decide to go on the offensive.

20. Biocrime: In a world where biological organisms are outlawed and only the metal-born may rule, mankind are codemned to a single outpost on the edge of the galaxy. But one man discovers the secret of the machines, and with the help of a sympathetic group of robots, they will rise up and fight for our dignity, our integrity…. and our humanity.

21. Love War: In a world where love is outlawed and only outlaws love, one woman, imprisoned on a planet for the ultimate crime, will break the bonds of her captivity and take the battle to the heart of the enemy.

22. The Angry Youth: In a world where America has closed its borders to everyone, and inside, the populace is forced to hew to the government’s every thought and deed, a catastrophe occurs: a meteor crashes and unleashes an alien monster that threatens to destroy the country — and the unprepared government is helpless in its wake. But there’s hope in the form of one cool cat: Stevie W., an outlaw teenager with a magic skateboard and underground cred. Unfortunately for Stevie, there’s more to this alien monster than just wanton destruction — and the government knows more than they’re telling.

23. The Impuritans: In a world where humanity is rapidly evolving, but only the pure have the power, one man will lead his fellow Impuritans against the oppressors… and the war for the future of the human race will begin.

24. Priceless: In a world where lives are bought and sold with the touch of a button, and the human soul has a market value, one woman will rebel and pay the ultimate price: Banishment. On this planet, she must learn to survive by only her strength, her wits… and the knowledge that SOME THINGS ARE NOT FOR SALE.

25. Aint Nothin’ But A Dome Thang: In a world where the poor underclass are housed in giant, self-sufficient domes, violence rules the day. But one young man, after seeing his brother killed by the security forces that protect the rich, vows to break the domes open — any way he can.

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In A World -- Google Image Challenge! posted by kza

For my last seven ideas for Ze Prison Planét, Burley challenged me to use, instead of randomly chosen songs, random images from the Google Image search for inspiration. To generate the images, I entered my birthday as a six digit number, and made my choices from the first page of results.

But anyway, here we go yo, here we go yo, so what so what so what’s the scenario?:

A. The Scabs: In a world designed by engineers to be a self-sufficient, endlessly exploitable resource for the rest of the known galaxy, robots toil tirelessly in the fields, the forests and the mountains, providing food and raw materials for a rapidly expanding market. But when a series of accidents destroys some of the mining robots, the rest of the metal workforce decide to strike and power off, leaving the humans that depend on the planet in the lurch. A taskforce is assembled to get the planet up and running again while a negotiator tries to get the robots back online. While the taskforce tries to relearn the long-forgotten principles of farming and manufacturing, the negotiator accidentally reveals the existence of the taskforce… and the robots, realizing that their existence could be usurped by the humans, decide to go on the offensive.

B. Cannibal Honeymoon: The Larsen Ski Lodge in the Colorado mountains is the most expensive and most technically-advanced ski lodge in the country, named “Best Place To Blow All Your Money In One Fell Swoop” by Ski Lodge Magazine in 2005. Mickey and Tammy are newlyweds on their honeymoon — but when the storm everyone said wouldn’t hit actually hits, the resulting snowfall traps everyone inside the Larsen Ski Lodge and isolates it from the rest of civilization. They have food, they have heat — it’s only a matter of time before they’re rescued, right? But days pass, food disappears, and the heat turns off — can Mickey and Tammy survive the other guests? Can they survive each other?

C. Chimerica: In a world almost exactly like our own, America has lost its place as the prime superpower, and China has taken over. Chinese language and customs have been absorbed into American culture, and have irrevocably changed the face of the country. The cold war between China and India is heating up, and when a terrorist act is committed on Chinese soil, the culprits are traced back to America. China puts a lockdown on America, sending in troops to root out the terrorist cells and throwing the country into a state of emergency. One family will witness everything, from the beginning of the invasion to the terrifying aftermath, and will try to hold onto one another as everything they hold dear is crumbles around them.

D. The Museum: In Iowa in the 1940s, in a world of small-town friendliness, small-town pieties, and small-town diminished expectations, Charlie and his longtime gal Thena (short for Athena) yearn to escape from their lives and find a place for themselves in the big wide world. But when Thena’s dad, Professor Lombardi, has a stroke, it threatens to undo his work on the proposed expansion to the town’s antiquities museum. Thena must take over lest the expansion be scratched, and Charlie sells his bus tickets to be with her. But there’s something mysterious about the museum that Professor Lombardi never told anyone — something both fantastic and dangerous, and during one long night in the museum, Charlie and Thena will come face-to-face with it.

E. Reminiscence: In a world where genetic and social engineering have eliminated violent crime and other offenses, there is only one punishable infraction: Nostalgia. In order to keep the populace in line, the past must be eliminated, keeping everyone in a blissful present-tense existence. But some insist on remembering, collecting and hoarding pieces of the past to keep it alive. Tom was the greatest of all them, blessed and cursed with an eidetic memory. But when he’s betrayed to the authorities, Tom finds himself on the prison planet, forced to find a way to survive, all alone on a harsh — yet beautiful — landscape. Can his knowlege of the past help him, or even save him? Or will he be prey to the predators on the planet, both alien and human?

F. The Angry Youth: In a world where America has closed its borders to everyone, and inside, the populace is forced to hew to the government’s every thought and deed, a catastrophe occurs: a meteor crashes and unleashes an alien monster that threatens to destroy the country — and the unprepared government is helpless in its wake. But there’s hope in the form of one cool cat: Stevie W., an outlaw teenager with a magic skateboard and underground cred. Unfortunately for Stevie, there’s more to this alien monster than just wanton destruction — and the government knows more than they’re telling.

[Okay, anyone of a certain age who had MTV back in the day should be able to recognize this ripoff. Sorry ‘bout that.]

G. The Exodus: In a world where the Earth is nothing more than a black cinder, the last surviving humans live on orbiting space stations, trying to make the best out of an impossible situation. Some are resigned to being the end of the human race, some think the Earth can be rebuilt and repopulated… and one scientist thinks he’s found a signal from an alien race. Are they really out there? Can they save the human race? But presenting the evidence will start a civil war in space, and threaten to end humanity prematurely.

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The List of World's, Burley Style posted by Martin

Okay—here are my 25 In a World’s, in order of favorite and with new lovable, easy to use titles. Ordering was a little tricky—some I like more than the order might suggest, and some I dislike more than it might suggest. Some I like the potential for more than the order might suggest. But, we have to start somewhere—so this is where I’m leaving it. Go at it, Urban!

1. The Atheist
In a world devout to an all powerful god, one man uncovers exposes an unspeakable truth: their planet wasn’t carved by a deity, it was created to hold the most dangerous prisoners in the galaxy: their ancestors. What crime is so unspeakable that not only you will be punished for committing it, but all of your heirs will as well? And what happens when you find out that your captors are still watching your every move?

2. If it pleases the Court
In a World where crimes are judged and juried by encrypted, anonymous computer terminals, one jury foreman doesn’t realize that the man she’s arguing so strongly should be committed to the Prison Planet for life is actually her husband—and the crime he’s accused of—but hasn’t committed yet—is murdering her.

3. Hell on Earth
In a world where your DNA is patented and you are born in debt, one woman’s refusal to pay off her birth-deficit lands her in the largest and most violent debtors prison that ever existed: THE PLANET EARTH.

4. Little Black Stray
In a World where violent male offenders are sent to labor camps on the remote prison planet, one crew of hardened men finds something impossible: a young woman in tattered clothes, mute and frightened. A small group protect and feed her, keeping her out of site of the guards and away from those who would use her mercilessly. As she gains in strength it seems that she has an agenda—and the truth of what she was doing on a world where no women stepped before might be a big enough secret to shatter the whole planet of forced labor.

5. The Ancient Word Revenge
In a World where convicted murderers are banished to a planet instead of being put to death, one couple—the parents of a murder victim—want revenge. They plan a trip to the Prison Planet where they will track down the monster that killed their child, and destroy him in the exact same way that he destroyed their lives.

6. Class War
In a World where society is slipt into two classes, the New Trade Marxists are pitted against the Transactionists in a televised battle supreme. The loser will banish all of their believers to a distant planet. The winner takes over the one-world economy and will decide forevermore what future humanity follows.

7. Awaiting the Tide
In a world where people trust one another and crimes are extremely low, one event threatens to eradicate the long-admired peace: there’s been a prison break on Half Moon, where society disposes of all of its criminals. They’re coming back for revenge, and they’re armed.

8. Can you Hear Me Now?
In a world where all information is open and no person is private, a grad student stumbles on an ancient secret that could threaten the base of human knowledge…how can you communicate if all language is rendered illegible? Her enemies want to rebuild the tower. Get ready for BABEL.

9. Methane Madness
In a World where stranded humans must guard themselves from a poisonous atmosphere, one scientist finds a process for rendering the air on the planet breathable. The only problem is, the planet is a prison and the guards will kill them all if they found out about the experiments.

10. Time to Die
In a World where death itself is beaten by genetic regeneration, a guard is killed during a riot on the prison planet. One woman—his wife—faces sure death to retrieve his body in time to bring him back to life. It’s a race against time, with one nearly resourcesless woman willfully fighting like a juggernaut against the prisoners who are holding his body hostage, and the powers that be that think she should just give up. All to simply save the man she loves from eternal death.

11. Robots in Love
In a World where robots are immature, but can easily pass the turning test, one young android idolizes a slightly older movie star, and tries everything in his power to become like his idol. As part of his transformation, the robot works at becoming quite the ladies man, but his game is called when he meets a girl that actually likes him and that he doesn’t have to chase. She would certainly never sleep with him if she knew he was an android, but being an android he is physically incapable of sleeping with her. Will truth ruin love, or can the technology-crossed-lovers find a way to remain together?

12. A Future of Violence
In a World where peaceful men are mocked and disparaged by society, one sensitive man is arrested for murdering the violent soul that his wife cheated on him with. This action won the heart of his wife once again, but broke his own heart when faced with his inner capacity for violence. When he’s sentenced to life on the Prison Planet a culture war erupts over whether the punishment is too great for the crime. The man wants to pay his penance for his crimes. The wife wants her man back. Society is slipt and debates the issue of whether society is a calming or aggravating influence on the nature of men. [with apologies to Cronenberg]

13. Rasputin the Translator
In a World contacted by a sentient and potentially violent alien race, one man—bearded and wild eyed—is the only person on earth who can translate between the languages of humans and the language of the aliens. But this strange man is not only hostile to both sides of the debate, he is also untrustworthy, and possibly manipulating the negotiations to his own ends. With all of Earth being turned into a prison as the stakes, one government has a very limited time to not only unravel the mysteries of the alien language, but also the history of the interpreter.

14. The Singing Psychics
In a World where every person is assigned psychic choral groups to follow them around and sing their innermost thoughts in four-part harmony to all who can hear, one woman is tried in a choral court of law for loving discord, and causing pain in the ears of listeners. The jury is stunned that, when probing her deepest feelings, they realize that, to her, proper melodies are as painful as the improper ones are to everyone else. How can a society based on certain approved intervals accept that some people honestly prefer less melodic sounds, and what shall they do with the young woman who causes pain in everybody she comes near?

15. The Murderers are Dying
In a World where society has shunted its unwanted off to a Prison Planet for centuries, the government is faced with a problem. The Prison Planet is dying. Do they let all of the citizens die cruel and unusual deaths, or do they stage the largest rescue mission ever to bring back to a crowded planet the outcasts, criminals and degenerates that they worked so hard to rid themselves of?

16. Pitch Dark Alien
In a World where a supreme court has ruled that “cruel and unusual” punishment excludes the death penalty, the first batch of off world prisoners is sent to the new facility on Ganesh XIX, where they will be housed forever. But when they arrive, they realize they’re not alone on the planet—and one by one they start disappearing.

17. Downtown Hardcore
In a World where cities have been abandoned for fear of terrorist attacks where people gather, one group of artists braves the the occupied downtown core to rescue a sculpture from a museum. The only problem is—the straggling, violent city dwellers never let country people in, and they sure as hell never let country people out.

18. Breathe, Humanoid, Breathe
In a World where humanoids live mostly underwater, and are equipped with gills, an aquatic princess falls for a mysterious air-breather who appears suddenly in their land without warning. He’s kind, intelligent and handsome, but will she find out that he’s been banished to their planet for an unspeakable crime?

19. Off Script
In a World where politicians are devastatingly corrupt, and the uncaring populace is consumed with instant feedback news cycles, one pundit goes off her script and screams out a warning live on the air, before being cut off and mysteriously disappearing. Was this part of their plan, or could it be that somebody broke from the ranks of the elite in an attempt to save humanity?

20. Cop On the Hunt
In a world where galactic criminals are rounded and left to die on one planet, one man—a crooked cop—must penetrate their violent society to spring a prison break with the leader of the most ruthless gang. If he succeeds, his name is clear. If he fails, Earth will fall to INVADING IMPATIENT ALIENS.

21. Dude!
In a world where four teenagers are about to become world champions of the Prison Planet Videogame playoffs, someone sabotages their game units and they enter the most violent world ever conceived with no way of escaping, and NO RE-SPAWNING ALLOWED.

22. Bar None
In a world where lawyers are the only legal parents, two couples are condemned for reproducing without license and sentenced to banishment on the sterile Prison Planet. The only problem is that one of them is the PRESIDENT OF THE BAR. (Ummm—stupid note to self. I believe the president of the Bar would most certainly be a lawyer…)

23. David Flincher
In a world where friendly monks care for a shipwrecked space traveller carrying a deadly secret, ten outposters learn just what it means to be held prisoner on your own planet. With help four hundred light years away, they have no choice but to break their oath of silence and peace, and defend themselves from certain death.

24. Planet of Love
In a world where gender roles are reversed and women keep tight rule over their mates, men who act out are sent to Prison Planet! The intense spa planet where a crack team of psychologists will teach them about life, friendship, caring, laughter, and of course—about love.

25. Homeo and Pulpiet
In a world where warning clans tear the landscape in half, two teenagers find each other outside of societies constraints. Love, it seems, can flourish in war. But what happens when their parents find out that their children are trying to escape their grasp, and the only other livable land in the galaxy is THE PRISON PLANET?

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Random Worlds, Karaoke Killer posted by Martin

I love this concept. It’s great to get some creative input from a random source. John Cage would approve.

My songs were picked by making a smart playlist in iTunes that randomly picked 5 songs rated 4 stars or better. I hereby authenticate that there was no picking, second-guessing, or non-acceptance of the choices that my Apple Audio overlord delivered. Well, originally #5 was “You’ll Have To Go Sideways” by the Soft Boys off of the perfect album Underwater Moonlight, but it’s an instrumental, so I dumped that and accepted the randomly picked replacement.

I also looked up the lyrics for better absorption (just like the Brawny man!), so I put a link in to them for those who might be curious.

1. In a World where death itself is beaten by genetic regeneration, a guard is killed during a riot on the prison planet. One woman—his wife—faces sure death to retrieve his body in time to bring him back to life. It’s a race against time, with one nearly resourceless woman willfully fighting like a juggernaut against the prisoners who are holding his body hostage, and the powers that be that think she should just give up. All to simply save the man she loves from eternal death.
(Inspired by “Kim Wilde”, by Charlotte Hatherly | lyrics)

2. In a World where robots are immature, but can easily pass the Turing Test, one young android idolizes a slightly older movie star, and tries everything in his power to become like his idol. As part of his transformation, the robot works at becoming quite the ladies man, but his game is called when he meets a girl who actually likes him and who he doesn’t have to chase. She would certainly never sleep with him if she knew he was an android, but being an android he is physically incapable of sleeping with her. Will truth ruin love, or can the technology-crossed-lovers find a way to remain together?
(Inspired by “Big Boys”, by Elvis Costello | lyrics)

3. In a World where peaceful men are mocked and disparaged by society, one sensitive man is arrested for murdering the violent soul with whom his wife cheated on him. This action won the heart of his wife once again, but broke his own heart when faced with his inner capacity for violence. When he’s sentenced to life on the Prison Planet a culture war erupts over whether the punishment is too great for the crime. The man wants to pay his penance for his crimes. The wife wants her man back. Society is split and debates the issue of whether society is a calming or aggravating influence on the nature of men. [with apologies to Cronenberg]
(Inspired by “History of Lovers”, by Iron & Wine and Calexico | lyrics)

4. In a World where violent male offenders are sent to labor camps on the remote prison planet, one crew of hardened men finds something impossible: a young woman in tattered clothes, mute and frightened. A small group protect and feed her, keeping her out of site of the guards and away from those who would use her mercilessly. As she gains in strength it seems that she has an agenda—and the truth of what she was doing on a world where no women stepped before might be a big enough secret to shatter the whole planet of forced labor.
(Inspired by “Black Little Stray”, by Shannon Wright | lyrics)

5. In a World contacted by a sentient and potentially violent alien race, one man—bearded and wild eyed—is the only person on earth who can translate between the languages of humans and the language of the aliens. But this strange man is not only hostile to both sides of the debate, he is also untrustworthy, and possibly manipulating the negotiations to his own ends. With all of Earth being turned into a prison as the stakes, one government has a very limited time to not only unravel the mysteries of the alien language, but also the history of the interpreter.
(Inspired by “The Interpreter”, by The Roky Erikson | lyrics)

6. In a World where every person is assigned psychic choral groups to follow them around and sing their innermost thoughts in four-part harmony to all who can hear, one woman is tried in a choral court of law for loving discord, and causing pain in the ears of listeners. The jury is stunned that, when probing her deepest feelings, they realize that, to her, proper melodies are as painful as the improper ones are to everyone else. How can a society based on certain approved intervals accept that some people honestly prefer less melodic sounds, and what shall they do with the young woman who causes pain in everybody she comes near?
(inspired by “Because” by The Beatles | lyrics)

And that, ladies and gentlemen, makes 25 for me.

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Re:[3] Choosing the Final Seed: A Proposal posted by Martin

Okay! Rules set, gloves thrown. I’m posting my final six shortly, and then I’ll gather my list for the grinding.

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Re:[2] Choosing The Final Seed: A Proposal posted by kza

Motion passes.

When we’re done with our 25, we’ll each have a post with our 25 contributions listed, in our preferential order. I also think we should give each one some kind of temporary title — the use of numbers is kind of bland and abstract, not to mention we’ll have two different sets of 25.

How does that sound?

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Re: Choosing The Final Seed: A Proposal posted by Martin

I accept, with one small alteration. I think when we’re done with our 25, we should put up a single post listing them all of our own in preferred order—#1 being our favorite, #25 our least favorite. This may—or may not—influence the first draft from the opposite writer, but it will give us a chance to filter our own work, and potentially communicate something.

Do you accept this change?

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Choosing The Final Seed: A Proposal posted by kza

So anyway, I’m assuming that what we’re eventually going to do is choose one of these ideas to be our “seed” that will eventually blossom into a brilliant screenplay that all peoples of the Earth will love and cherish for always. Although I suspect we could easily just pick one (or a group and narrow it down) very quickly, I have an idea, spurred by my love of competitions and needlessly complex rules.

Here’s how it would work: You pick 8 of my ideas that you like the best, and I pick 8 of yours, in order of preference. Your first choice will be matched up against my eighth choice, so on up the line, with my first choice against your eighth choice. There will be a series of “battles”, so that the original 16 are narrowed down to 8, then to 4, then to 2, until we finally have a winner. (Ideally, the Seahawks.)

These battles will carried out in the following manner: We will both write, as passionately as we can, what is great about both ideas, and we will both write as passionately as we can as to why each idea isn’t as good as the other. Once we have 2 pros and 2 cons for each idea, we’ll then simply choose the one we like best. If we can’t agree, then we continue to argue the merits of our favorite until one of us concedes, or someone in the forum changes the balance of the argument.

And that’s it. It would definitely stretch this Spitball! process out a little longer than it normally would’ve lasted, but I think that’s okay — I don’t think we need to hurry here. It would also give us a chance to expand on these skeletal sketches a little further, and give them more flesh and background than they already have.

Or maybe we should just pick one. What say you? Like it? Dislike it? Proposed rule changes?

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In A World -- Karaoke Edition! posted by kza

Another nice set of five, Burley. #2 is really fascinating — the moral issues are front and center, which is a new one for us. And the specifics of it are really unusual — I like it. #3 (the creation and aftermath of a Prison Planet) is so obvious I’m kicking myself that I never thought of it. And #5: Prison Planet as Rollerball! Awesome!

And now, in this very special edition of “In A World”, I’ve decided to play a little game, and I hope Burley will join me. The rules are simple: Write five “In A World” story ideas as usual, but the inspiration must come from a different song, randomly chosen by iTunes. (I only let it pick songs that are rated 4 stars or better, cuz I didn’t want to be stuck with a song I didn’t really like; Burley may be a braver soul.) I’m not necessarily going to try and turn the song into a narrative per se (although some lend themselves to that kind of thing better than others), but there should be some kind of link, however obscure, from the song to the story idea. My criteria is this: if I come up with an idea that I normally wouldn’t have, then I’ve succeeded. Ready? I’m not, but here I go anyway:

1. In a world where the poor underclass are housed in giant, self-sufficient domes, violence rules the day. But one young man, after seeing his brother killed by the security forces that protect the rich, vows to break the domes open — any way he can.
   (Inspired by “Fix Up, Look Sharp” by Dizzee Rascal)

2. In a world constructed for the pleasure of the ultra-rich, every vice can be had — for a price. But beneath the smiling exterior of the friendly staff, there lurks a growing resentment. When a group of ascetics destroy access to the planet’s hidden interdimensional gateway, the employees sieze the chance to declare independence from the governement and its backers. But as they take the profits and the pleasures for themselves, pressures and conflicting desires threaten to blow the planet to smithereens.
   (Inspired by “Sin City” by The Flying Burrito Brothers)

3. In a world gone dead and grey from years of war and pollution, the last outpost in the Pacific Northwest attempts to survive from day-to-day in the hostile environment. Here, a little girl who’s never known the blue sky tries to keep her family from being ripped apart by hopelessness and the machinations of the Council, who will do anything to keep the outpost alive.
   (Inspired by “Another Day” by Galaxie 500)

4. Rachel had it all: a promising new career, loyal friends, and a loving fiancé. But one morning, she wakes up to find it all gone — and discovers herself in a world of brick and glass, imprisoned by an architectural madman. She need only confess her love for him to be free — but Rachel is going to fight back.
   (Inspired by “Rachel (My Dear)” by The Stag Party)

5. In a world of fist-pumping rock ‘n roll and outrageous performances, two musicians, Sara and Johnny, join the Non-Stop Rock Cabaret, a continuous tour through the world that guarantees success – if the performers can make the necessary sacrifices. But when Sara and Johnny fall in love, they become bound to each other, an unmovable object in a storm of drugs, booze and lust. But will their love be able to escape the irresistable force that is the Non-Stop Rock Cabaret?
   (Inspired by “Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around” by Stevie Nicks & Tom Petty)

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Re:[2] When Worlds Collide posted by kza

Funny, I was totally thinking of Borges, but I’m mostly ignorant when it comes to Rush. However, I think I was listening to Coheed & Cambria when I wrote it — does that count? Or does that ruin it? :-)

Weird you should mention the Kurzweil book… I had it over Christmas and managed to get through the first 150-200 pages or so before I had to return it to the library. Seems like a great resource for SF. In that vein, I’m reading Oliver Sacks’ An Anthropologist on Mars right now.

Coming tomorrow: comments on Burley’s last five, plus the debut of In A World — Karaoke Edition!

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Re: When World's Collide posted by Martin

Damn! I’m digging it. Now how the hell are we gonna pick just one? And, still more to go?

Okay—anyway—I have to say this thing right now. #3? Yeah. Like, if somebody told me “Oh, I casually want to write a sentence or two that will both evoke Borges, the most brilliant writer that ever existed, and Rush, the most rockin’ Canadian power trio that ever existed.” I would have told them to get lost, but you, my friend, have done it. I applaud you.

I applaud all of these ideas, and I want to take a whack at your bonus idea, because it reminds me that I really want to read the new Ray Kurzweil book.

In a World where nanobots cleanse the blood of disease, and people live indefinite lives, a man waiting for the subway in New York explodes, contaminating a large crowd with an aggressive virus—a mechanical virus of microscopic robots. We might stand a chance to fight them, if only they weren’t completely sentient, smarter than us, and designed by the only man in the world who we might have trusted to stop them.

Now—everybody sing along with me from the book of Rush, chapter 2112:
We are the priests of the temples of Syrinx.
And our great computers fill the hallowed halls…

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Kick out the Worlds posted by Martin

To paraphrase Tom Robbins: In a world where there are two kinds of people, one kind of person will realize that there really are two kinds of people: the kinds of people who think there are two kinds of people in the world, and those that know better.

1. In a World where convicted murderers are banished to a planet instead of being put to death, one couple—the parents of a murder victim—want revenge. They plan a trip to the Prison Planet where they will track down the monster that killed their child, and destroy him in the exact same way that he destroyed their lives.

2. In a World where society has shunted its unwanted off to a Prison Planet for centuries, the government is faced with a problem. The Prison Planet is dying. Do they let all of the citizens die cruel and unusual deaths, or do they stage the largest rescue mission ever to bring back to a crowded planet the outcasts, criminals and degenerates that they worked so hard to rid themselves of?

3. In a World where a supreme court has ruled that “cruel and unusual” punishment excludes the death penalty, the first batch of off world prisoners is sent to the new facility on Ganesh XIX, where they will be housed forever. But when they arrive, they realize they’re not alone on the planet—and one by one they start disappearing.

4. In a World where cities have been abandoned for fear of terrorist attacks where people gather, one group of artists braves the the occupied downtown core to rescue a sculpture from a museum. The only problem is—the straggling, violent city dwellers never let country people in, and they sure as hell never let country people out.

5. In a World where society is split into two classes, the New Trade Marxists are pitted against the Transactionists in a televised battle supreme. The loser will banish all of their believers to a distant planet. The winner takes over the one-world economy and will decide forevermore what future humanity follows.

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When Worlds Collide posted by kza

I’m a curmudgeon about donuts, so it all evens out.

Holy shit, Burley, those are all fucking awesome. I’m particularly taken with #1 (I could jump into that one right now and hit it running) and #5, even if it is similar to Minority Report. [That’s okay, cuz a) Minority Report wasn’t as great as it could’ve been, and b) I never get tired of those kind of stories.]

Oh, and dude, let’s only go to 25 apiece. Even steven down the middle. 11 more for you; 12 more for me, after these five:

1. In a world where there is no war and everything is provided for you, one technician discovers that this utopia is surrounded by a force-field, imprisoning the populace from the outside world. What he doesn’t realize is that the field isn’t there to keep them in — it’s to keep something out.

2. In a world populated only by vampires, werewolves, and other creatures of darkness, one young ghoul yearns to escape the hierarchal, monster-eat-monster society. And when he discovers a hole into our universe, he finds the one thing he needs most: a friend. But the once the gate is open, the forces of the night, once dispelled from the human realm, seek to reclaim what was once theirs.

3. In a world built to hold the accumulated knowledge of the universe, the monks of Liber XII tend to the databases from birth to death. But when an alien computer virus finds its way into the memory banks, the monks are imprisoned on a sentient planet that knows every way to control — every way to punish — and every way to kill ever invented. Can the monks stop Liber XII from destroying the universe?

4. A cross-country bus traveling through New Mexico encounters a mysterious gateway and breaks down in Skull County, a world of endless desert, vampire cycle gangs and deadly Vixens. Can this ragtag group — a children’s magician, an ex-firefighter, a retiree, a student, and a former Olympic boxer — survive in this hostile world without end and find a way home?

5. In a world that is about to end in disease, blood and madness, the rich huddle in their extravagant compounds while the poor are left to die. As they amuse themselves with forbidden delights and wait for a new world to be born, a stranger emerges from the shadows to become the hit of the social scene. But what dark secret does he hide behind his black sunglasses?

[Gee, what am I ripping off here? :-) ]

Bonus idea that doesn’t count towards my 25: I’ve been trying to think of an idea where the Prison Planet is microscopic in nature — ideally, it would be a narrativization of some kind of biological process, like cells in a body or a virus trying to escape its host. Unfortunately, I’m not versed enough in that field to write something that was both narratively interesting and didn’t sound like ramblings of a scientific illiterate.

Bonus mea culpa: I guess they don’t have to be SF.

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The War of the Worlds posted by Martin

A few ticks off the old goal. Also, just a point of trivia: I consider most Alcatraz movies Prison Planet movies.

1. In a World where stranded humans must guard themselves from a poisonous atmosphere, one scientist finds a process for rendering the air on the planet breathable. The only problem is, the planet is a prison and the guards will kill them all if they found out about the experiments.

2. In a World where humanoids live mostly underwater, and are equipped with gills, an aquatic princess falls for a mysterious air-breather who appears suddenly in their land without warning. He’s kind, intelligent and handsome, but will she find out that he’s been banished to their planet for an unspeakable crime?

3. In a World where politicians are devastatingly corrupt, and the uncaring populace is consumed with instant feedback news cycles, one pundit goes off her script and screams out a warning live on the air, before being cut off and mysteriously disappearing. Was this part of their plan, or could it be that somebody broke from the ranks of the elite in an attempt to save humanity?

4. In a world where people trust one another and crimes are extremely low, one event threatens to eradicate the long-admired peace: there’s been a prison break on Half Moon, where society disposes of all of its criminals. They’re coming back for revenge, and they’re armed.

5. In a World where crimes are judged and juried by encrypted, anonymous computer terminals, one jury foreman doesn’t realize that the man she’s arguing so strongly should be committed to the Prison Planet for life is actually her husband—and the crime he’s accused of—but hasn’t committed yet—is murdering her.

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It's a World World World World World posted by Martin

Did you know if you Google (in quotes) “In a world” the first response is the Beastie Boys website? Now that’s another world for pirate treasure.

Anyway—As much as I liked your original 8 “In a World” scenarios (forever now known as IAWS), I think pumping out a big old slew of them is a great idea. Here’s the ones I could come up with as quick as possible (I made it to 9—33 to go!):

1. In a world where galactic criminals are rounded and left to die on one planet, one man—a crooked cop—must penetrate their violent society to spring a prison break with the leader of the most ruthless gang. If he succeeds, his name is clear. If he fails, Earth will fall to INVADING IMPATIENT ALIENS.

2. In a world where all information is open and no person is private, a grad student stumbles on an ancient secret that could threaten the base of human knowledge…how can you communicate if all language is rendered illegible? Her enemies want to rebuild the tower. Get ready for BABEL.

3. In a world where your DNA is patented and you are born in debt, one woman’s refusal to pay off her birth-deficit lands her in the largest and most violent debtors prison that ever existed: THE PLANET EARTH.

4. In a world devout to an all powerful god, one man uncovers exposes an unspeakable truth: their planet wasn’t carved by a deity, it was created to hold the most dangerous prisoners in the galaxy: their ancestors. What crime is so unspeakable that not only you will be punished for committing it, but all of your heirs will as well? And what happens when you find out that your captors are still watching your every move?

5. In a world where four teenagers are about to become world champions of the Prison Planet Videogame playoffs, someone sabotages their game units and they enter the most violent world ever conceived with no way of escaping, and NO RE-SPAWNING ALLOWED.

6. In a world where lawyers are the only legal parents, two couples are condemned for reproducing without license and sentenced to banishment on the sterile Prison Planet. The only problem is that one of them is the PRESIDENT OF THE BAR.

7. In a world where friendly monks care for a shipwrecked space traveller carrying a deadly secret, ten outposters learn just what it means to be held prisoner on your own planet. With help four hundred light years away, they have no choice but to break their oath of silence and peace, and defend themselves from certain death. [1]

8. In a world where gender roles are reversed and women keep tight rule over their mates, men who act out are sent to Prison Planet! The intense spa planet where a crack team of psychologists will teach them about life, friendship, caring, laughter, and of course—about love.

9. In a world where warning clans tear the landscape in half, two teenagers find each other outside of societies constraints. Love, it seems, can flourish in war. But what happens when their parents find out that their children are trying to escape their grasp, and the only other livable land in the galaxy is THE PRISON PLANET?

[1] Ummm, this one might sound slightly familiar…

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Re:[2] In a World... posted by kza

The funny thing about the In A World… post was that, by the end, I didn’t really care about the specifics of each story. What was useful for me was taking the idea (Prison Planet) and seeing what kind of “movement” each kind of story could give it. For example, when Richard Garfield was designing “Magic: The Gathering” (and presumably when he designed other games) was he would sit down with blank cards and before he even really knew what the rules were, he would play with them. What is it like when I turn a card ninety degrees? What’s it like if I lay out cards in a pattern on the table? What’s it like to draw cards from a deck? Is there a difference in feel between drawing three cards or seven?

So I ended up thinking about that post in a similar way. When I think of “Prison Planet” as a concept, I think of prisoners on a planet that want to get off. But what else can be done with the concept? For me the breakthrough of #5 is that the character finds the hidden Prison Planet and goes there. In #6, the character wants to break into the Prison Planet, which sounded fun and cool. The idea behind #7 is that escape is impossible, and maybe not even desired by the end. In #4, the idea that the Prison Planet is kind of a front for something else (the “ancient secret underneath”) was what was most interesting to me.

So while I do like some of the small specifics of each idea, I’m not married to any of them, and seeing how skeletal they are, I think some cannibalism from the other ideas will be necessary :-)

But here are my favorites:

My third favorite, #6, is also, oddly, my least favorite. I like the ridiculous idea of combining blatant supernatural elements in a SF setting — it appeals to my love of mash-ups and novelties. And what’s good about it is also what’s bad about it for this project: I read it and I feel like I know it already. It’s basically “The Dirty Dozen vs. Underworld… in SPAAAACE!”. And while normally I’d be attracted to something that’s structurally already kind of prefab, I think this project needs something that’s a little more mysterious and more difficult. Also, while other ideas lend themselves to different kinds of expressions (drama, comedy, etc.), this one seems primarily action-oriented.

Second favorite is, perhaps surprisingly, #1. Yes, it’s awfully vague and a little corny, but that’s also the appeal. What’s suggested here is emotions as weaponry, something kind of invisible and intangible in a concrete, material SF world, and I kinda like that. However, one of the pitfalls of “Prison Planet” (and probably most screenplays) is steering away from the pure, always-right protagonist in a world that’s evil and clearly wrong, and this one is already pointed in that direction.

First favorite, and head and shoulders above the rest, is #5. Here’s why: The conflicts stated have already given us huge clues as to the character of the protagonist. We know that she lives in a world of unimaginable amounts of data, and she makes an choice to escape from all that. She finds a place that is “off the grid”, and decides to fight for her place there. But where in a lot of these ideas, fighting is literally physical fighting (and that tells us nothing about the character; if a character doesn’t fight when attacked, usually that means the end of the story), the fighting here might be of a different sort: it could be emotional manipulation, economic bargaining, political maneuvering. And also already embedded in this skeletal frame are a number of parallels and contrasts that could be interesting. I’m assuming that this woman, because of the data universe she inhabits, is well-off, but she’s looking to escape this everything-at-your-fingertips society for something more primitive. (She could be leaving because of a scandal or because “she knows too much” or the like, but it works for me if it’s simple dissatisfaction, ennui.) So she finds this “off the grid” planet, but to her surprise, it’s a prison planet. (Perhaps the prisoners are either political in nature — they’ve been “disappeared” — or they’re the descendants of those prisoners.) But these people are probably longing to get “plugged back in” to the universe at large and probably want her to help them. And what happens to them and her if they did? But while there’s an obvious action/thriller quality to all this, I can also see it as a space version of something like Out of Africa or The Piano — a space period drama, if you will.

But while we both like this one and we could proceed on it now, I wouldn’t mind taking the time to develop more of these “In A World”s. I’m thinking of aiming for 50 — that would give us enough to choose from, and a lot of material to cannibalize from as well. (And obviously, the “In A World”s are my way of canvassing the territory in an Inside->Outside way, like your way of circling the story world and asking questions is your Outside->Inside way.)

What do you think?

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Re: In A World... posted by Martin

An echoing voice in my head, visions of fast-cut explosions and action set to pounding, pulsing, throbbing music. I have heard your narrator.

So on a quick reaction, here are my top three that I’d like to see (and therefore, write), with a few of my own notes:

#3 Telepathy as a disease? Keeping a secret when everybody can read your mind? Genius. Awesome. Bravo. Tricky, I’d imagine, and complex, but a concept worthy of the challenges.
#5 Ideas like diseases—much like commercial jingles and memes. Also, because I’ve always loved the Inferno. What about a twist that posits Dante himself visited this land with aliens, and wrote the Inferno as code to the world? Talk about ideas as disease—the Inferno of Dante became the modern hell of the Christians, after all.
#7 We can already figure the market value for a human life, no matter how despicable this might be, but imagine if robotics had advanced to the point where you could transfer consciousness to another being? Then suddenly, the soul would have a value outside of life itself. What if the rebellion was remaining human?

Honorable mention: Robots fighting to help us fight for our humanity? My hat is off, sir.

A question: can we combine some of these ideas? I’ll see if you like any of my feedback first, but imagine that only humans who have transferred their souls (#7) to advanced robots have the telepathy (#3).

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In A World... posted by kza

In an attempt to get this ball rolling a little faster, and as the Designated Inside Man digging my way up from the center toward the outside (I’ll explain that later), I present to you eight (8) premises for a Prison Planet movie, written in the style of a cheesy trailer voiceover, composed as quickly as I can. I’m not promising quality here, mind you, merely quantity. Enjoy!

1. In a world where love is outlawed and only outlaws love, one woman, imprisoned on a planet for the ultimate crime, will break the bonds of her captivity and take the battle to the heart of the enemy.

2. In a world where humanity is rapidly evolving, but only the pure have the power, one man will lead his fellow Impuritans against the oppressors… and the war for the future of the human race will begin.

3. In a world where telepathy is a disease and the infected are prisoners, one woman will discover a shocking truth that could change everything… but on a world where a mind can be read as easily as opening a book, how can any secret be safe?

4. In a world where no one dies and everyone lives forever, the universe’s most dangerous criminals are confined to one planet. But when one man, convicted of a crime he did not commit, finds an ancient secret under the planet’s surface, he finds the means to escape… that could… set… the universe… ON FIRE.

5. In a world where information is the only currency, and ideas can be contracted like diseases, one woman finds the ultimate oasis in a universe of data. But to keep it, she’ll have to fight the most hardened and despicable people in the galaxy: the prisoners of Dante IV.

6. In a world where vampires and werewolves prowl the galaxy, and the Ultimate Evil plots the downfall the Last Free Men, one man will find hope where he least expects it: in the hearts of the most dangerous criminals the world has ever seen. There’s only one problem: they’re locked away in the most impregnable prison ever created.

7. In a world where lives are bought and sold with the touch of a button, and the human soul has a market value, one woman will rebel and pay the ultimate price: Banishment. On this planet, she must learn to survive by only her strength, her wits… and the knowledge that SOME THINGS ARE NOT FOR SALE.

8. In a world where biological organisms are outlawed and only the metal-born may rule, mankind are condemned to a single outpost on the edge of the galaxy. But one man discovers the secret of the machines, and with the help of a sympathetic group of robots, they will rise up and fight for our dignity, our integrity…. and our humanity.

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Re: Sci Fi? posted by kza

A. Unless we were seriously going to explore the idea of “Prison Planet” as a metaphor, of course its going to be SF in some sense.

B. Genre isn’t for marketers. Genre is legitimate framework or window through which to view a story. Every genre has its conventions, and you can play them straight or subvert them. I like subversion myself (or maybe I’m just saying subversion is easier, since playing it straight and doing it well seems much harder to me), but that’s also why The Corrections came up so early in this discussion — one way to avoid the “same ol’ same ol” is to start mixing DNA and create mutants.

C. Yet: SF can mean Star Wars, Star Trek. It can mean Terminator or Alien(s). It can mean Primer or Solaris. It can also mean Videodrome, The Brood, or even Crash (1996). (It’s both cool and kinda sad that those last three are by the same guy.) SF, to me, is about taking an idea or premise that simply doesn’t exist at all in the real world and extrapolating something (usually a story) out of it.

D. Anyway, the point is, when you think “SF” you think of limited boundaries; when I think of “SF”, I think of a lack of them. Therefore, SF, to me, really isn’t a genre.

E. Five Days of Continuous Blogging — I did it!

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Genre is for Marketers posted by Martin

Prison planet as a banishment planet—interesting idea. Although, it doesn’t make so much sense to me that an advanced culture would use a single planet, and all of its resources, for one single crime. Or, let me restate that—I don’t see an advanced society using multiple planets for one crime each (if that’s what you were saying). I could imagine enclaves on that planet, or a larger population of one type than another. Or, were you saying that the only event that sparks banishment is telepathy? That’s the only “crime” that is deemed extreme enough to banish people? In any case, the telepathy idea is great. I think we should play with that and see if we can get any traction.

But what if the telepathy people were having to live on the same planet with murderers and rapists? (by the way—by sexual offenses I wasn’t thinking of sexual orientation, although I like that interpretation, but I meant more like molesters of children). What if the telepaths had to defend their turf, what would their society look like? Would they form alliances? What would the politics look like? Would there be rapist nations? Murderer countries? Boy, does that raise issues of intolerance and old-world cultural bigotry.

Also, given variations in nature, I would imagine that telepathy would be stronger in some people, and less strong in others. And the focus would be different—just like the locus of attention can be narrowed to filter out the external stimuli around us every day. Without that, it seems that we would have a society of severely autistic people. Imagine telepathy in today’s world: we’d have the nosy neighbor woman using telepathy to spread rumors. We’d have guys on the make trying to use telepathy to score, only to be shot down by more telepathic women. We’d have religious people using open telepathy to prove that their hearts and minds are pure. We’d have liars who use telepathy to send many mixed messages about themselves, to confuse people. Or, is telepathy not about sending at all but about receiving? You can’t broadcast anything, but people can just read your mind? How accurate is the read, then?

What are the courts like in telepathic society? What are the cops like? How wide is the range of telepathy? Can anybody ever escape? Do telepathic mothers tell their children that they can only play as far as the mother’s telepathy reaches? How do telepathic wives cheat on telepathic husbands? How do telepathic husbands hide their homosexuality from telepathic wives? The answer to that last question would seem to be, “they can’t,” but then what about people who hide great truths from themselves? Do telepathic people have a greater insight to other people’s plights than they do themselves, or is telepathy tempered by the same messy thinking that constitutes our minds? Do telepathic people rely on others to tell them how they should live? Do they get other people’s thoughts confused with their own? How do they intermingle—at what point are they not individuals, and become the Borg? Are there telepathic “Chatty Cathy’s?” What’s the telepathic equivalent of the dude who sits on the couch and grunts in reply to any question?

Can telepathy be targeted? Can I read one mind around me, or do I have to read all the minds? Is it trainable, like a radio dial, or is it a flood of messages like the floor of the NY Stock Exchange? Do the thoughts compete? How does one stand out?

All these questions are just leading to my need to understand the rules of the game. If we define those, it might make our world more interesting. Although, we are raised with the specter of having to visually show people’s thoughts.

But our hero: the idea about telepathy raises a few ideas. Either we have a messiah story of sorts (ala Harry Potter, or the Matrix) where a child is born who has the power to block people from reading his mind, but he can read others, and therefore solve societies biggest problem. (Note: I’m using the he pronoun for convenience, this child could also be a girl—although we will need a love interest, and the sex of the child would lead to different dynamics there).

or

We have a Chicken Little story of sorts, where a seemingly ordinary—or better still, downtrodden—kid notices something—like that the Prison Planet is no longer guarded, or that some large cultural assumption is untrue, and the trouble that this person has trying to convince the society that they are right.

I have always liked messiah stories, personally, they are resonant beyond culture—the basis of many superhero stories. But, we would need to build a world with strong enough resistance, that the appearance of the messiah is inevitable. Which is not to say I’m against the chicken little idea.

Of course, that leads us to think more about the planet itself. Is it guarded, and are the guards on the surface, or maybe in satellite space stations? Are the guards robotic? How old is the Prison Planet? What if a society picked a prison planet for their telepathic outcasts, and it was already populated by another sentient race? Not to get to Star Treky here (the rocks are communicating with us, and they challenge our concept of sentient races! Don’t hurt the rocks, you goddamn miners!), but a race encountering another race is always good. What if our group is the first group of banished? What would their pioneer life be like? What if they voluntarily went to the planet? Sure, that wouldn’t be a prison planet, but I don’t want to be closed to a great idea, even if it twists our original spark.

Finally, I made the quip yesterday about sci-fi. It could have been my lack of thinking clearly, but it’s also because I just don’t care about genre. Genre is for marketers to tag the movie after we write it. I have to be careful, because as soon as I say “Oh, we’re working in sci-fi,” then I’ll immediately start limiting myself to things that I think that genre contains. If we need to, we can constrain later, but I need to remind myself to push the boundaries early on.

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Sci Fi? posted by Martin

In reading Mr. Shockah’s recent posts I actually caught myself thinking: “Interesting—he wants to take Prison Planet to the sci-fi genre…”

Longer commentary coming when my mind is actually operating the way it should.

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Brass Tacks posted by kza

Like probably a lot of people, my best ideas seem to come to me at the worst possible times: in the shower, trying to fall asleep, oral sex. (I kid on one of those.) Last night, while watching The Simpsons Season 7, Disc 4 for the umpteenth time (The Simpsons is a sleep-aid around my house), I began to think about how to contribute directly to this Prison Planet idea. I came up with some good ideas. And then I fell asleep.

So now I’m going to try and reconstruct those good thoughts and see if there’s soup in ‘em. Unfortunately, I probably won’t be able to reconstruct the witticisms they were couched in. (I’ll probably recapitulate a lot of what Grymz said already in the first post about the Prison Planet, but I think it’s a good idea to go over stuff continuously — I find it’s difficult to find something truly new unless the old is as familiar as your own body.)

Okay, so this is a Prison Planet. This indicates that we’re dealing with some kind of galactic empire. Now, some knowledge of this galactic empire will probably be necessary at some point, but right now, I don’t care. Not important. The galactic empire can go fuck themselves for the time being. Right now, all I want to know about is the Prison Planet. (And ideally, the Prison Planet, what it’s about, why it’s there, will give us clues as to the character and makeup of the galactic empire.)

Now, if we have a planet that’s devoted solely to being a place of incarceration, that suggests two extremes: That it’s basically the prison for the empire, and the prisoners are there for every possible type of crime, or that the planet is for one particular type of prisoner, one particular type of crime. (Obviously, there can be middle ground between the two extremes, but talking about the extremes is better suited for my purposes at this point.)

Which, if forced to choose, is the better choice? I’d prefer to go with the second. It’s simpler. It raises more questions than it answers. If we went with the first one, and know that it’s simply a prison like any other, but only on a planetary scale, then I think a lot of interesting possibilities are closed off. (Not all, just a lot.) But if it’s only one type of crime that is being punished on this planet — that’s more interesting. What kind of crime needs its own planet to successfully incarcerate its prisoners? I have, what I hope, are some interesting ideas for that, but let’s go to the next level of Prison Planet design.

The next big choice is: Is there an infrastructure and bureaucracy that runs the prison? Or are the prisoners left to fend for themselves? (And if they fend for themselves, have they recreated their own civilization?) Of course, there’s a whole spectrum of in-between here that’s possible, but, to get started, I think it best to pick one extreme and subtle it out later. If were to choose, I think I’d go for the former — my predilection, in this case, is for a story that was more about the use and delegation of power (think Abu Ghraib) than one that was more about the sociological workings of a world, which is what the second indicates to me. (Normally, I’d be all for the second one, but I think I’m more into that when it’s based on the real present or past, not made up out of whole cloth.)

(And it should be noted here that none of these opinions are writ in stone; in fact, right now, they’re more like passing fancies. If someone can come up with a killer story or character that needs “the prisoners fend for themselves” world, then by all means.)

Finally, the last major choice at this time is, what kind of crime puts a person on the Prison Planet? I’ve already thrown out, for now, the idea that all crimes are represented on Prison Planet. So what is it that condemns someone here? Burley listed some of the possibilities: Rape, murder, sexual offenses (which I assume by which he means something like sexual orientation), political expediency. None of these quite work for me. They could if someone has the right spin on it, but right now I’m not seeing it. None of these seem extreme enough to require their own planet (which, admittedly, is a problem because of my own choice.) And this is one of the things that hit me last night:

What if the crime was a disease?

That would go a long way in explaining why they have their own planet. It’s almost more like Quarantine Planet rather than Prison Planet. (It also makes me think how this could end up a SF remake of >Papillon, which I’d definitely watch, but isn’t really what I want to do here.) So all these prisoners could be afflicted with Space AIDS or Space Leprosy or Space Asian Bird Flu or what have you, and, in that case, the Prison Planet would seem (seem) to be just as beneficial for the prisoners as it would be for the rest of the empire, assuming that they were treated the same way we treat people who suffer from disease.

The major problem with that idea is, of course, that having a disease, while unfortunate, isn’t usually a crime, unless we’re talking Super Draconian Empire. Also, disease usually = death, so all these prisoners are doomed to die. There’s potential there (Prisoner doesn’t want to die on this rock and tries to escape to another planet where it’s said there’s a cure), but it’s kinda getting away from the whole Prison Planet idea and what it represents. But then I had another idea. Or rather, I decided to steal blatantly from Douglas Adams:

What if the disease was telepathy?

Mass telepathy would really fuck a nation up, in a lot of ways. It’d be almost impossible to keep political and military secrets. It’d be almost impossible to keep personal secrets, infidelities and such. And as Douglas Adams explained, being stuck around a bunch of telepaths would drive anyone insane. (IIRC, Adams suggested that one telepathic race invented incessant small-talk to maintain sanity.) And, just to make things more interesting, what if it was a disease that was really hard to contract? What if you had to more or less make a conscious choice to contract it? Well, there’s your crime right there.

That’s a lot of writing for what amounts to be a few small ideas. I have some more (including an alternate disease) but I’ll stop now and wait for feedback. Ball has been passed to Burley.

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What is a meta for? posted by Martin

Two interesting points in your last post about Prison Planet (which, I hereby propose is our working title. If voted down, I am happy to consider others, but I’m kind of excited about the fact that if we keep writing about this, anybody searching for the term “prison planet” on Google is gonna get inundated with Spitball! posts about it. Currently, they are drawn to political statement websites).

1. Ultimate point of finding a character.
Yes. Of course, and good point. That is our goal, I’d say. Not, as has been our habit in the past, to entwine ourselves in overly complex plot points and lose site of the character within. I would go so far as to say that one of the metrics we should judge Prison Planet by is the emotional resonance of the characters, whatever their state happens to be.

2. Metaphor
Well, yes—the Prison Planet is kind of obvious as one, but I think we should be careful about how we play with metaphor. I would propose that we define a few rules about the world, and then start a search for our protagonist. We find them and their story, and not worry about potential metaphors until we have the script better plotted out. Then we can tighten things to reinforce subtext if needed, but I’ll bet it worms it’s own way into our story through our interests.

To that end, I propose that we both spend some time ruminating on what is exciting or cool to us about the idea of a Prison Planet? We can mesh our ideas and come up with a landscape that might suggest a character. Are you game?

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Previously, on "Prison Planet" posted by kza

This is my first post on The Screenplay, and I’m not sure where to start. So I’m going to start everywhere at once, and just throw this shit at the wall and see what sticks.

It looks like we’ll be designing the Prison Planet from the ground up, in order to figure out what kind of world we’re dealing with, and what kind of characters and conflicts would emerge from this setting. I’m not against that; on the contrary, in general it’s a good idea. However, I think the ultimate point in doing so should be in discovering a character (ideally, the protagonist) who both is unique by nature and by the conflict that impinges on him – a character that couldn’t exist without the Prison Planet. Also, just to make things more difficult, the character’s unique nature and the conflict should be intertwined, if not the same.

To not have this goal, to simply build the Prison Planet for the sake of itself… To me, it’s like in one of my writing classes when I was at school, when the class built a character from the ground up. Give her a name! What does she do? What does she look like? Where does she live? Etc. Not that these aren’t good questions, but the end result was a Frankenstein’s monster, with no real obvious use. And it’s not that there weren’t any conflicts in the character – I’m sure some were suggested – but they didn’t seem like they were connected to anything in the character. So that’s my big fear with that strategy – that we end up with this thing that’s somewhat interesting in and of itself, but with no real narrative use.

I guess what I’m saying, at risk of looking like some hack screenwriting book author, it’s all about Character + Conflict. If the Prison Planet can give us that (and hopefully, one that couldn’t exist without the Prison Planet), awesome; otherwise, I’m content to start elsewhere. But of course, we won’t know until we try.

So the other thing I was thinking: Prison Planet as metaphor. How can one’s life be a prison planet? One’s city? One’s mind? One’s social world? I’m not arguing that this is a better place to start than a literal Prison Planet; in fact, it seems as hackneyed, if not moreso. But I remember when Burley first mentioned the Prison Planet idea, and my first response (because I like novelty and mash-ups and contrasts in general) is to combine it with something else, and the first thing that popped into my head was Jonathan Franzen’s The Corrections. But I don’t mean that book literally (I’ve never read it), but that as a symbol of a kind of “literariness” that might contrast nicely with the SF pulpiness of a Prison Planet. So one way to incorporate that is to think of it as a metaphor.

Okay, so for my first screenplay post, I shit on everything without offering anything constructive. Great. For my next post, I’ll either contribute directly to the idea of a Prison Planet, or I’ll make the Space Needle disappear. Whichever’s easier.

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Contemplating the contemplation posted by Martin

Mr. Shockah and I have more ideas than time to flesh them out. That’s just the nature of writing—the fullest screenplays start with a singular query—something that captures your attention. For me, it’s usually a question—in this case, what would a prison planet be like?

Now that we have to answer that question—have to, mind you—I’m trying to think about it from a different angle. Could you tell a love story on a Prison Planet (a: yes). Could you tell a comedy on a Prison Planet (a: yes). Could you make an action-adventure / horror / gory mess on a prison planet (a: yes). Political movie, chick flick—it could be all be done there—the setting suggests a plot, but doesn’t have to be the plot. Of course, if it’s not important to what happens, then there is no sense but pure whimsy to put the thing on the damn planet to begin with, so the plot will have to revolve somehow with the fact that the setting is a prison planet.

But, that caveat aside, we could really do anything we want. So, where do we start? Maybe we start with a character. Maybe that character is a prisoner just being sent to the planet. So, if that is indeed where we’re going to start (I’ll wait for Mr. Shockah to opine before I start spinning too far), then a bunch of questions pop up. Why is he there? What did she do? How did he get there? How is she put on the planet’s surface? Where on the planet is he put down? Are their guards on the planet surface? Are their guards in space? Do they monitor technology on the surface? What is the weather on the planet?

Suddenly, these questions start getting answered and a hazy picture starts being drawn:

A woman was convicted of murdering her violent husband is sentenced to the Prison Planet. She arrives there after being beamed on a stream of light. There is a heavily guarded landing station that the prisoners are always trying to assault, but as of yet they have not been successful. The skies are continually stormy with orange clouds as she is pushed out into the station by cruel guards into a crowd of very hungry looking men… or

A man convicted of treason—he was the president of his planet—is sent away after a coup. He is put on the ground by a lifter space craft that drops him with supplies in the middle of a desert. There are no guards. there is no one around. He has limited food and water… or

A woman is brought before a court in the largest city of the prison planet. They read the charges from her captors and assign her a task on the planet surface. The ore mines are popular with many people, but she has experience with high culture. She’ll be a domestic to one of the highest ranking judges, just doing his time until he can be rotated off the prison planet…

So, none of those kill me, but I could spend all night writing little synopsis. Somewhere in there we’ll find the hook that starts getting us more jazzed. What say you Mr. Shockah? Where would you like to start this discussion?

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Contemplating the Engine posted by Martin

What does a prison planet look like? Does a culture that has a prison planet pick a planet bereft of resources? What if the Prison Planet is old—centuries old? Does it become a viable culture and government (hello Australia!)?

What kind of prisoners does this culture send there? What kind of crime is so subversive that you must abandon the people that commit them? Rape? Murder? Sexual Offenses? If so, what level of offense? What if the government could legally, and culturally acceptably, get rid of their political opponents, would they do so?

How does the culture get their prisoners there? Prison planets could only exist in a culture that has very inexpensive space travel. Does that mean that there are aliens there? How does the alien government feel about this culture banishing their citizens?

The cliche of Prison Planet seems to be the Mad Max landscape—post-apocalyptic—but Prison Planet isn’t post-anything, it’s pre-something. Also, it seems to me that it wouldn’t resemble prison movies or shows that we have seen—the engine of those being the following recipe: 1. Take violent and unpredictable men, 2. Put them in an incredibly confined space.

But on the Prison Planet, can’t the prisoners spread out anywhere they want to? If so, would they start trade networks? What kind of commerce would arise?

If a group of prisoners—let’s say women—controlled a resource, could they take control of the planet? What would a prisoner-run matriarchy look like?

These are the kinds of questions running around my head, when I think of Prison Planet. I want to know what the engine is before I can see characters existing on it, not to mention that the engine might dictate the plot itself. Grand struggle, or personal struggle? Well, always the latter—of course—but in the context of what?

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In the beginning were two words posted by Martin

Kent and I have had a lot of conversations about the project that you’re looking at here. We’ve talked about the forums and the blog, what each post needs, what each post doesn’t need, should we have a blogroll or not, and a myriad of other subjects under the sun.

There’s one topic we have not broached at all, save for two words. That’s about the screenplay we’re going to write here. After all, the idea is that every conversation we have; every attempt at outlining, writing and arguing about what parts should be in and what should be kept out—all of those conversations are going to take place here on the blog. In public. With you watching and commenting, hopefully.

But Kent and I are full of it. Ideas. We’re full of ideas, so in order to give a bit of focus to an otherwise potentially out of control project, we picked an idea from our archive that we wanted to develop here. Of course, in our archive, the project is still only two words long. We’ve never really spent any time on it, other than to speak the two words, laugh and say “that’d be awesome to work on.”

Okay, enough teasing. Those two words—the words that will start us on the journey into the deepest jungle of screenwriting—the words that will launch this ship into the treacherous seas of public humiliation. Those two words are:

Prison Planet.

I mean, come ON! How much better can you get? As a sub-sub-sub genre, I have a loving affinity for Prison Planet movies, the most famous of which is probably Alien Prison Planet, but also due mention are Escape from Prison Planet New York, and Escape from Prison Planet Los Angeles. And even though there is a movie with the moniker Prison Planet, we still feel that the genre is under mined. The definitive prison planet movie has yet to be written. And, rest assured, ours will be outside the general cliches of the genre.

Which is not to say that our writing talent is so large as to avoid them, but is to say that although I love the Prison Planet, I’m not so down with spending a big chunk of my life writing a sweaty-muscle-men-bash-it-out sort of movie, which the genre seems to naturally suggest. But, that’s a topic for another post. Or, rather, a conversation another post will start. For now, dear friends, we will leave those two words hanging in the air. Two words that may evoke deep feelings in some of you. At the end of it all, we hope to take you to: The Prison Planet.

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